Feeling like I'm going downhill again!

[RachelZ]

Haven't used this forum much as I only joined fairly recently so sorry this may be a bit of a negative first thread to start...I guess if I was feeling positive I wouldn't be posting so...

I've been feelling quite a bit better for a while now...I know for me that being on the right meds makes a big difference....I prolly need a higher dose but am still feeding our son so want to minimise any drug transference.

But now I feel like I'm going downhill again and it just sucks...we've had some stuff at church on peace today and last Sunday and I'm like how do you feel peace when you have an anxiety disorder? How do you get a sense of God's presence and love when the more I try and think along those lines the chances are the more anxious I'll feel cos I usually have this feeling like God is not at all happy with me? I know that part of the problem is I'm scared to apply some of the therapuetic tools I've learnt cos when I do I feel this inner sense that feels like yes but what you're worrying about isn't to do with OCD...it's to do with you being unable to face reality. I can't deny I have OCD...but when it comes to the main thing that I obsess and ruminate over I just keep thinking yes but that isn't OCD so to treat it as such is wrong. I have tried to apply the four steps in brain lock but just stumble over the first one and don't really get anywhere. I'm tired of this seemingly eternal cycle of ruminating and worrying and at times feeling horrendous...then feeling better and hopeful only to be bitterly dissapointed when I go downhill again. I just think if it wasn't reality then I wouldn't be worrying about it...that phrase no smoke without fire fills me with a sense of dread...cos I think so really the fact I'm worried about something means there's something to worry about. And to take these things to God doesn't really help...although maybe it does in ways I'm just not allways aware of...but when I do try and take things to God I get anxious about stuff to do with Him as well.

It is so draining...exhausting to keep feeling like this...how can I know once and for all it's OCD or it's not OCD and then face the truth and not just be afraid?

Sorry again...and sorry if anything I've said seems disrespectful of God...I'm not saying He doesn't do stuff for me...it's just the way I am affects my relationship with Him too...I find it so hard to think of Him as someone who loves me...more I guess as someone who tolerates me. Thanks for 'listening'...take care, Rachel

 

[jc9992]

I know exactly how you feel, ive been feeling downhill for about a month now but ive learned to accept that things will not always be perfect with OCD even though they might be for a time.

My philosophy to combat this is "when you fall off the mountain.go through the valley and climb a new one."

God bless.

 

[ObsessedButBlessed]

Hi rachel, sorry you're not feeling good. I know all too well the whole "it's not OCD, it's reality" battle in your mind. No matter how much you try to for certain tell yourself it's OCD, there is always uncertainty or doubt lingering in your mind. I have been there a million times, my friend, and will be there a million and one times, I'm sure!

The thing is, if we could convince ourselves it's OCD for sure, we would never again question it and viola! we'd get rid of it once and for all, wouldn't we? Having the doubt is just part of the disorder. That's why you have to have faith and trust that it IS OCD. I read sooo many OCD stories just like mine, the exact same things that I struggle with, and I think "I have all this evidence it's OCD and yet I still think this is a real problem?"

So at this point I have no other choice but to treat it as OCD. So I dont get into an argument in my mind over "OCD vs reality," because OCD will always win with those feelings of doubt. I just make up my mind to treat it as OCD. Attack it as OCD. I even mock my OCD a lot of the time!

Why not just try letting the thoughts be there without trying to out-logic them or fight back with reassurance. That just feeds the problem. Just say "ok, that's OCD, and I'm going to treat it like it is OCD."

People who do not have OCD do not let themselves suffer like this (in regards to your main obsession).

 

[orangecrush98]

Gosh Rachel you explained it to a T . Last week i was reading through the gospel of mark . In the 5th chapter Jesus told Jarius " do not be afraid any longer , only believe " Nasb . For me just knowing that its " ok " to give it all to Jesus comforts me . Its like ive thought this way my whole life and when people or myself say dont be afraid it doesnt mean much but Jesus says its ok not to be afraid . Its like ive never heard that before .

 

[RachelZ]

Thanks everyone for your replies...I really appreciate them!!

It's helpful to know you get where I'm coming from Sad...although I'm sorry you seem to know all too well the horrible battle that goes on in your mind and heart! I know that I need to let thoughts be if I'm to break the ruminating cycle...I just find it almost terrifying to take that leap of faith...knowing that if I'm wrong and it's not OCD at the root of this then I've been a fool, kidding myself and will then need to face the truth...it fills me with dread! I hear what you're saying about people not letting themselves suffer like this but then I think there are people who live in denial or who suffer loads rather than make changes...I just don't know how to get over this? Only when I feel better can I say with more certainty that it was the OCD and that I was not responding in rational and well ways. When I feel I can accept more that it's OCD when I'm struggling it's like a burden lifts...but then I think maybe that's just cos believeing it's OCD is easier to face than the truth.

Arghhhhhhhhhhh....I hate the way I am when I get like this...I want to change but I don't know how to get the guts to try...thanks again for everyone who replied...take care, Rachel

 

[ObsessedButBlessed]

Rachel, unfortunately I know all too well how you feel. Yes I know the fear you're talking about... the fear that this is all real and that it's not just some false thoughts or false feelings coming from our mind. Now you have been diagnosed with OCD, right? So have I - about 4 times from 4 different therapists. And yet, I still doubt. I always doubt. When I am not obsessing, I'm just like you - I look at this objectively and say "wow, that really is OCD," or "I can't believe I let myself obsess over such silly things!"

Are there people who live in denial? yes, sure. I know that is one of my fears, like I'm just kidding myself and this OCD is just a bunch of nonsense. But then I think about how I am when I'm not obsessing. I feel/think the EXACT OPPOSITE of how I think/feel when I'm obsessing. I want to be married. I love my husband more than anything. I am happy, satisfied, in love, content. I am ME. I feel like ME. This obsessive anxiety is NOT me. God didn't make me this way. I had 23 great years of not dealing with this, so I know this is not who I really am. There is not some hidden "truth" deep inside me, just waiting to pop out and say "ah-ha! I told you so!" If anything, OCD is all lies, so if I really want to look for a "truth," I look at how I felt when I felt good and felt like my normal self. I know that was me, the one who didn't believe her obsessions and fears.

So, we've got to do everything we can to break this cycle. I'm feeling pretty bad myself today, Rachel, so you and I should make a pact together to beat this and get this monster under control. I plan on exercising when I get home tonight so all of this pent up anxiety and emotion have a place to go. I plan on praying, and then I plan on practicing REALLY HARD all the stuff I know about how to fight OCD - to just let the thoughts be there, to change my reactions to them. The key is, when I'm not afraid of them, the lessen in their intensity. They go away. It's only when I give weight to them, emotionally, that I start to go down that hill.

We can do this Rachel. I just got to see my husband for a few minutes before I left for class tonight and even though those ugly, intrusive thoughts came up, I tried my best to just let them be and say "ok, I hear you, but now I'm going to focus on talking with my husband."

Hang in there!! I'm praying for you.

 

[RachelZ]

Hi Sad...thank you so much for your reply...I'm so sorry I haven't got back to you before...fourteen month old babies and computers don't mix very well! I was gonna try last night when he was asleep but didn't want to just rush it and was quiet tired too.

I really appreciated your comments...you describe it so well and it's good to feel understood and identified with even though I wish for your sake that you didn't have a clue what I was going on about!!

You sound like although your struggling you're very determined and strong in your endeavours to beat this. I'm sorry you're having a tough time too though cos when it hits I know all too well how the rational side can be fogged out by all the hideous thoughts and feelings. Not trying to dismiss your suffering but just wanted to say I think it's great you're so determined.

Yes I agree...a pact to try and beat this thing would be a great idea...it's so helpful just knowing others understand cos most of the time I feel quite alone with it cos apart from my best friend who is incredibly understanding and helpful I don't talk to others much about it cos I know it would be hard for them to understand. And I find it hard to know God's angle on it cos I think the OCD has spoilt things there as well.

It really kind of you to be praying for me...I will do likewise...for you I mean...and if I can ever help please let me know...a pm is fine if you don't want to post a thread.

One question I do have...says the Queen of questioning lol...is how do you cope like when you said you looked at your hubby and the OCD kicked in but you managed to put it in its place but then the feelings are still there? I can try not to give my thoughts too much time but the feelings kick in and it's so hard to ignore them. And I worry cos with some things that I can more clearly put into the OCD category if I distract myself then eventually the anxiety does quieten down...but with my main obsession although this happens sometimes, it doesn't happen as neatly as with lesser things and so I think maybe that signifys it's not OCD...if that makes sense? It's like with lesser things the anxiety is more pure and yet with the main obsession it's a muddy and toxic type of anxiety. Does that make sense/ Hope so.

Now I really must go and change my poor son's nappy before he learns how to do it himself...hope you have a better day today...I will pray for you...take care and thank again for your much appreciated kindness...Rachel

 

[ObsessedButBlessed]

Hi Rachel, again (unfortunately) I know exactly what you're saying. For me, the anxiety can come as a result of thinking the thoughts, but it usually comes after I get all these other horrible, ugly, feelings, like they are my ACTUAL feelings and not feelings as a result of OCD. So then I fall into the trap of believing those feelings are true because they feel so real. It's like this sinking feeling in my stomach which feels very different than anxiety to me. To me, those feelings feel like "the truth," but I know they are actually part of OCD as well.

When my relationship obsessions switched to religious obsessions, it felt the exact same way. I really, truly felt like I didn't believe God existed or that I wasn't saved. It felt like someone came in and snatched all of my beliefs from my head, and here I was left trying to prove that God existed or get some reassurance that I believed through my feelings. I would go through these thoughts in my head and try to create a feeling that reassured me that God was real and I really believed.

you'd think that having another big obsession like that (it got me wrapped up for about 3-4 months and still comes back every now and then to this day) would have convinced me that I finally had OCD, after all, I found this forum and every had the exact same experience as I did. I should have been jumping up and down because now I finally had "proof" that I had OCD because I fell into that category of having another obsession!

But OCD kept its grip of doubt on me. Everyone else had OCD, but I was the exception, according to my OCD! During that time, my relationship obsession went away completely and I would sit there and think "now why did I ever doubt that I loved my husband?" It's because those scary, false feelings of OCD weren't attached to those thoughts anymore. They were focusing on my belief in God.

All that said, the religious obsessions were easier to let go than this relationship obsession, I think because I knew deep down exactly what was happening (OCD) because I had seen it happen with other people. I know I'm not the only one. I was talking with someone from SIAD and she mentioned that while other obsessions can trip her up, her main obsession is the one that seems to snatch her up every time. I think that is true for many folks with OCD.

So while it's harder to recognize OCD with your main obsession, and it seems harder to pull yourself out of it, this is where you take that leap of faith and just keep consistently treating it as OCD.

Hope you're doing better today, Rachel! Hang in there.. I think you're doing great!

 

[RachelZ]

Hi Sad...thanks for another helpful reply! You sound so much like me in the way you describe your thinking/feelings I too end up thinking I'm the exception and that in my case I'm actually in denial and that's what's causing the anxiety.That awful sense that this is somehow the truth and the horrible physical feelings that then follow!

I'ts helpful what you say about others also being more easily tripped up by their main obsession...I wonder if the more important the issue is to someone the more complex it becomes?

Do you mind me asking how you overcame the religious OCD? Was it the same as with other obsessions? I feel like my relationship with God is not all that healthy and not only for my sake and my hubby's but also for our son I would love to have a better realtionship with him. I often feel fearful and confused with God and the bible and feel like he's judging me and punishing me. Again, because the feelings feel so realy it's hard to let go of these worries in case it's actually the Holy Spirit convicting me.

I really appreciate your honest sharing of your experience...it helps to hear someone else describe how real the feelings feel. You're right in that dealing with it as OCD is like a leap of faith...that's so how I feel...like I'm needing to do something really scary and risky.

Thanks for your input and support, it really is appreciated...now I just need to try and get around the anxiety about the anxiety and actually stop thinking and feeling long enough to try and deal with this monster! It helps that I can look back on times when, like you it's hard to realise why you felt so awful...I know I can feel better...trouble is when I feel like this I wonder which is real, better or worse? But all I know is when I feel better I feel more alive and energised and normal...more well in a mental and emotional way.

Hope you're having a good day...I'm not too bad...wavering I think...will really try to think on what you've said and try and use it to counter the fear. Take care, Rachel

 

[ObsessedButBlessed]

Hi Rachel, well I would say that right now I am over my religious obsessions but I can guarntee that they'll be back some day. Not too long ago I was obsessing about death and the afterlife and being afraid of dying, and it felt, again, like I didn't believe. I also had intrusive thoughts about sinning too much and it counting against me, which is actually kind of ironic because when I was a kid, I used to worry about sinning too much, too.

Anyway, what worked for me for the religious obsessions is 1) praying. I prayed a lot. When I felt like I no longer believed, I prayed that the holy spirit would keep his grip on me and never "let me out of the palm of his hand." When I was obsessing and getting anxious, I would pray that God would touch my mind and ease my spirit, and it NEVER failed. I still do that to this day, when I get anxious over other things, and it inevitably works.

2) I decided not to try to use logic or feelings to figure out what I really believed. Basically, I was just patient. If I tried to logic my way back into getting reassurance, it never worked. My OCD would come back and say "it's a coincidence that it happened, not because of God." So I would try to just shrug it off and ignore it.

3) What worked REALLY well for me in this case was saying to myself "I can't trust that feeling because it came from an OCD thought, and I know that thought is false." So I would stop taking my feelings as "proof" that my obsessions were real and rather proof that I had OCD. Unfortunately this doesn't work quite so well with my ROCD. I think it's because i'm entirely wrapped up emotionally in that obsession whereas my religious obsessions were mainly feelings of doubt and a fear that my life was meaningless if I didn't have anything to believe in.

So that leap of faith? I started doing that with exposure and my ROCD. It is so scary at first. I have been fighting back these thoughts for so long and avoiding exposure because I was afraid I would believe the thouhts and act on them. Trying to neutralize them or reassure myself, but there was just no reassurance to be found. Nothing made me feel better. So yesterday I decided to do exposure. I imagined myself coming home and telling my husband I wanted a divorce. I allowed myself to be an evil, hurtful person. I told myself I should have never gotten married in the first place, that it was all a mistake or that I was in denial. It brought up some pretty bad feelings, and brought me to tears. But I kept doing it. Every time I would get a recurring spike, I would stop what I was doing, and forcefully bring up the thoughts.

It was actually amazing, because I saw just how connected to these thoughts my emotions were. I only felt bad when I purposefully thought about them. Once I gave myself permission to conjure up these awful thoughts, OCD had nowhere else to go. It couldn't come up with any other argument against my logic because I was actually agreeing with them. the feelings quickly went away. I'm feeling about 50% better today. The spikes are way less. I even did some exposure about my religious obsessions... in a way, it lets me see how silly they are.

I know you and I can beat this, Rachel!!!!

 

[gracealone]

So yesterday I decided to do exposure. I imagined myself coming home and telling my husband I wanted a divorce. I allowed myself to be an evil, hurtful person. I told myself I should have never gotten married in the first place, that it was all a mistake or that I was in denial. It brought up some pretty bad feelings, and brought me to tears. But I kept doing it. Every time I would get a recurring spike, I would stop what I was doing, and forcefully bring up the thoughts.

It was actually amazing, because I saw just how connected to these thoughts my emotions were. I only felt bad when I purposefully thought about them. Once I gave myself permission to conjure up these awful thoughts, OCD had nowhere else to go. It couldn't come up with any other argument against my logic because I was actually agreeing with them. the feelings quickly went away. I'm feeling about 50% better today. The spikes are way less. I even did some exposure about my religious obsessions... in a way, it lets me see how silly they are.

Hi Rachel and Sad,
All your posts are so insightful and encouraging to me as I too can say that ... "Yep.. I know exactly what you mean and how miserable it can make you feel."
I'm really excited though, Sad about this portion of your last post. For me this agressive attitude toward my OCD has been the best therapy of all. I love your, "go ahead, do your worst, make my day" exposure statements.
I've had to do the very same thing and notice amazing improvement when I do these type of therapy exercises.
To me the best answer as to why this works is that it takes the punch out of the OCD spikes. If we are doing the choosing of when and how long to think about them, if we encourage their presence instead of warring against them or trying to run and hide from them they eventually lose their ability to freak us out. Instead of OCD being in the drivers seat, we take the wheel. Our brain will become more and more accustomed to, or to use the technical term "habituated" to their presence. I've used this analogy before but it still helps me to think of it in this way:
Instead of calling in the ghost busters to get rid of a spooky phantom....
(The ghost busters being represented by any compulsive activity which can include, cancelling thoughts/behaviors, mental debating/rumination, reassurance seeking/checking..etc).....,
instead we should open up the door and invite the ghost in, even offer him a cup of tea.
(To do this is would be to greatly exaggerate the OCD thoughts/spikes. Instead of fighting them we just say, OK have it your way then, I'm not going to fight you any more. We go along with them with outrageous agreeing statements, just as Sad did with her OCDR spikes. Awesome, response therapy, Sad... way to go!!!)
In this way the creepy OCD ghosts along with all of their howlings and growlings will eventually lose their ability to haunt us. It's then that we will be able to have that calm attitude that just says... "Oh Hi, it's you again. Well come on in if you must, take a seat, old buddy, blab on all you want. I'm not afraid of you any more, I'm too busy living to let you interrupt me with your presence."
This agressive approach to fighting OCD is really scary at first but when you begin to see just how effective it is, it becomes easier to apply to each new OCD obsession.

Thank you both so much for your willingness to so openly share your OCD experiences.
God Bless,
Mitzi

 

[ObsessedButBlessed]

Hi Mitzi! Thanks for the encouragement. I was doing well yesterday until DH got home and I started spiking again. I made it through dinner and after he went to go workout, I did some exposure, and then prayed for a calm spirit. I had a pretty good anxiety-free time for the rest of the evening.

You're right when you say it takes the punch out of OCD. It doesn't allow any room for excuses, doubt or uncertainty when we actually agree with the thoughts. I'm still getting spikes here and there... morning seems to be the most anxious time for me. I think my main spike right now is worrying that I will actually believe the thoughts and act on them. At the same time, I feel those good feelings towards my husband rising up again, thank goodness. As long as I can let go of checking my feelings (which always brings up the wrong feelings!), then I think I can make it.

The love spikes seem to have gone away, now it's focusing on the relationship itself, it seems. A big fear before I got married was that I was getting married too young, and what if I changed so much that I didn't want to be in the relationship anymore? That seems to be the theme today so I'm focusing my exposure on that.

Rachel, how are you doing this morning?

 

[RachelZ]

Thanks Mitzi for your reply and comments...it's brilliant that Sad is finding this approach so helpful and obviously you do too. I was never really encouraged to do exposure therapy by my psychologist I don't think...he was into a more mindfullness based therapy. I think I have tried to just agree with the thoughts and feelings before but it seemed to make me feel quite down...maybe I wasn't doing it right. Guess it's scary too that maybe I'd realise it was all true.

Thanks for asking Sad...sort of so-so really...how about you? Really hope you're doing better...keep at it it's sounds like your onto a real winner in terms of taming the beast as it were...or to use Mitzi's analogy, making the ghosts sit down, have a cup of tea and twiddle their spooky thumbs whilst you get on with your life. Take care, Rachel

 

[gracealone]

Thanks Mitzi for your reply and comments...
I think I have tried to just agree with the thoughts and feelings before but it seemed to make me feel quite down...maybe I wasn't doing it right. Guess it's scary too that maybe I'd realise it was all true.


Hi Rachel,
Feeling down and scared when we do this form of therapy is quite normal. You have to anticipate that the anxiety is going to go up a few notches in the beginning with exposure therapy. When that happens try to look at it in this way. When a Dr. is poking around to try and attempt to locate a problem he will keep on saying... "Is this where it hurts?" When he finally hits the right spot we will usually wince in pain but it's only then that he can really begin to address the problem. So when we begin to do therapy - if we hit on the painful spot we are going to wince in pain also. But this is a good sign that we've located the source of the trouble. Remember that just because a medical treatment or procedure is painful doesn't mean that it's not the right one. Same thing with OCD. Usually, in the beginning, we will feel worse before we start to feel better. Hanging in there with determined resolve to not let the OCD push you around is the attitude that you have to have. It also takes patience and perseverance. Success must be measured over the long haul. To me success doesn't mean being cured of OCD as much as it means learning to live with it, to accept it's presence but not to have it dictate my thoughts and/or actions any more.
I try to always keep in mind that fighting OCD is paradoxical. To fight it is to do the opposite of what my instinctive response is telling me to do.
Praying for you,
Mitzi

 

[ObsessedButBlessed]

Oh Rachel, I definitely had those fears. I still do! I was absolutely terrified that I would believe my thoughts or act on them. But then I look back - this has been going on for over 2 1/2 years now - and I haven't acted on them yet, so why would I act on them now?

When I found myself agreeing with the thoughts (long time ago I did this), I also felt really down, and it scared me into thinking it wasn't OCD! But the thing that I didn't know back then, that I know now, is that my emotions are totally controlled by this disorder. I have OCD. That's a fact. That means that the emotional section of my brain isn't functioning properly when my OCD is in overdrive. So when I learned to start expecting those emotions to happen, it took a bit of the bite out of OCD.

Another key part is just learning NOT to respond to the thoughts. That has been sooo tough for me, because our brain gives us that signal that makes us feel like it's urgent, and then we want to ruminate or seek reassurance in order to figure it out.

I remember when I had a horrid episode about a year ago, I was ready to be locked up in a psych ward. The mere thought of actually ignoring these thoughts made me sick to my stomach because my OCD was telling me that it was WAY too important to ignore. Even the thought of going on meds scared the you-know-what out of me because my OCD was actually telling me that if I took meds, I would be lying to myself and just trying to cover up a real problem. I mean I was in it DEEP. So deep I never thought I would get out of it.

The difference is, with exposure, I'm being pro-active instead of re-active. Instead of waiting OCD to attack me, I attack it first. Then, it has nowhere else to go or no other excuse to come up with. YES, I feel yucky, like gracealone says. It reminds me of when I had my gallbladder removed 4 years ago. I was in a lot of pain, and life after the surgery was pretty painful... but eventually, I got to feeling wonderful. You're in pain now. And the surgery to fix this is going to be painful. But go in with the attitude that if you practice exposure long enough, you will reap benefits from it!

Up until this morning (and even a little bit today,) I would still get these random, intrusive thoughts. It was like a little jab of anxiety that reminded me of my obsession. But slowly, that jab has turned into just a poke, and I hope soon that it'll turn into just a whisper that I barely notice....

 

[RachelZ]

Thanks Mitzi and Sad...it makes sense what you're both saying. I have been trying today to make myself think things that cause anxiety...so far it seem to be making grinding anxiety feel more like blind panic...kind of rabbit caught in the headlights feeling...plus a feeling of sadness cos I'm trying to think absolutes that if they're real are horrible. It's totally contrary to the therapy for OCD I've had as the Psychiatrist and Psychologist are into mindfullness...where you allow the thougths to be and concentrate fullly on something else. But I know some people swear by exposure. I just don't know what to think when I think a spike type thought and then feel this sinking dread that it's true.

I'm really glad you're doing better Sad...hope you both get to enjoy Easter...take care and many thanks again for your wisdom...Rachel

 

[ObsessedButBlessed]

Rachel, I know about that "sinking dread" feeling. That happens ALL the time with my OCD! Trust me, it is just another way that OCD gets at you with your emotions. It makes it feel like "the truth," but I like what I read from Dr. Phillipson about emotions - if you don't like the way a thought makes you feel, chalk it up to OCD. It could be anxiety, fear, plain old doubt, or those bad sinking feelings. The fact is, they all are a result of thinking those thoughts. They happen as a reaction to our obsessions.

The sinking dread feeling, to me, was the absolute worst part. It takes it from "this is probably OCD" to "this cannot be OCD if I feel this way!" I know it's hard, I know it just puts you into a panic... that's what exposure is supposed to do. the hard part is saying to yourself "no matter how bad I feel, I'm going to continue living my life as if I didn't have OCD," and then trying your hardest not to find reassurance or obsessing/ruminate about the spike. Hang in there. You can do it. I have faith in you!!!

Praying for you!

 

[RachelZ]

Thanks Sad...I guess I just think well just cos I don't like a feeling doesn't make it not true. I mean I look at wedding pics of me and then pics of me post having a baby and I'm bigger in the post baby ones...so I feel bad about that which is a feeling I don't like but that's not OCD that's just me feeling bad about the reality that I'm not back to the weight I'd like to be. So when I get a spike thought/feeling/response I still don't get how I can know that cos I don't like the way it makes me feel it's therefore OCD. It's hard as well cos like today when I was trying to think things to make me spike I was feeling foggy at times cos the OCD, (if that's what it is,) sometimes feels like a paranoid generalised feeling about what I worry about rather than specifics. When things really kicked off badly with this a few years ago...I think towards the end of 2002...I would get this overwhelming feeling of terror as if you suddenly realised there was someone in your home with a knife. All those hideous feelings seemed to centre around what is now my main obsession. I'm not like I was back then but I still get this paranoid type anxiety/dread/fear and it's not allways specific to a particular thought. That's not to say I can't vocalise it into things I'm worried about but just that that feeling is there even if I'm not particulaly ruminating. Does that make sense? Sorry...I'm not trying to be awkward...I really do want to beat this thing with God's help but I feel almost paralised into inaction cos I'm too scared to either deal with it in a mindful way in case I'm ignoring the truth, a Phillipson way in case I just compound what I fear into hardened truth or totally go down the it's not OCD so you're stuffed route. I really admire people who are tackling their OCD but I guess I still just feel that I'm kidding myself and should just accept the truth and live with the feelings that brings. The stupid thing is, even if my worst fear was true I wouldn't change my situation cos that's not something I either want to do or believe is right...somehow it's just the knowing that is so important even though that knowing wouldn't lead to action.

Blaghhhhhhhhhhh! Sorry if all that's made you want to bash your head against a brick wall...really hope you're still doing better...please God may that continue...and may this Easter be one you remember for all the right reasons...take care, Rachel

 

[ObsessedButBlessed]

Rachel, how are you doing today? How was your Easter?

One of the things I learned in therapy a looooong long time ago .... (I was in therapy for what I THOUGHT was a different issue, it turns out I was actually trying to treat my OCD only I didn't know I had OCD, and neither did my therapist).... anyway, I learned that just because I feel something does not make it true. Easier said than done for OCD sufferers, I think. But I remember saying to my therapist "I am totally alone," and she would say "that's not true. You may FEEL alone, but the reality is, you have family and friends that love you."

But to us OCD sufferers, feelings mean everything. They decide everything for us. They tell us what to think and what to believe.

So when I get a spike thought/feeling/response I still don't get how I can know that cos I don't like the way it makes me feel it's therefore OCD.

How about anything that is related to your obsession is labeled as OCD? I had to get to this point with my OCD sometimes. I was trying so hard distinguish what was OCD and what was a legitimate concern. I would think "this doesn't feel like anxiety, this feels like a deep doom, or a convicting feeling of truth, or generally just a sick, sinking, twisted feeling in my stomach...how can that be OCD?"

I understand the fear of dealing with it. When I had a particularly bad episode about a year ago, I was terrified that treating it would reveal its truth.

It was either:

• I go on meds and that means I'm ignoring the problem or lying to myself, or
• I go to therapy and I find out it's the truth and not OCD.

I mean my OCD was that bad that my thinking got that twisted. Reality was so twisted in my mind that I couldn't see anything but what the OCD put in front of me. And I believed it!

I had the "fortunate" experience of having religious obsessions soon after that. It was just as hard, if not harder than the relationship obsessions, but in a way it was so helpful for me to see just how much OCD twisted my reality. When I was obsessing about my belief in God, I was 100% certain of my love for my husband. So when it came back last December, it was still difficult to deal with, but I had the patience to wait it out and see if it left again. Now that I was proactive and attacked it with exposure, I feel like the cloud is lifting again and what is the TRUE reality - that I do love my husband - is coming to surface.

 

[RachelZ]

Hi Sad...thanks so much for your response...i really appreciate your patience...and your honesty in saying how things have been for you. It's incredible how you describe the way it makes you feel cos a lot of it I can so relate to. So much of what you say sounds like the way I think about things for which I'm sorry for you but grateful that you've shared it cos knowing I'm not alone withhow I feel really helps!

The thing you said about thoughts was similar to what came up for me early on in therapy for the OCD...I give so much weight to so many thoughts instead of realising that as you've put it because you think something that doesn't make it true...nor does feeling it either.

Maybe what you said about labelling everything to do with my obsession as OCD could be a way forward...even that feels scary but I have to do something or I'll be writing the same stupid posts in fifteen years time!!! I need to really hold onto the fact that I have been in very dark places with this current obsession...but I've also come into lighter places where I've felt totally different. It's really hard but somehow I need to keep telling myself that how I feel right now is not me in a well place...and that when I do fel better I can hardly imagine how I felt so grim.

I don't really know how to start dealing with this...but I guess maybe as you've said to label the obsessive thinking as OCD is a good start. My best friend sometimes says something along the lines of it's not the issue that's the problem but the obsessive thinking about it...maybe even if I can't get to a place of accepting it's all OCD at the moment I can somehow accept that the way I ruminate on it and the feelings that accompany that which so sound like your own are OCD like.

Thanks ever so much again and I'm really glad things are still improving for you...I pray God blesses you for your kindness despite your own suffering. Oh and by the way when I re-read my last post I realised that when I said I hope you'd remember this Easter for all the right reasons I realised it sounded really preachy...I'm sorry that wasn't meant at all. What I meant was I hope you have a good one so you have good memories not bad ones I think. Ours was certainly one to remember...we ended up in casualty last night cos our little one decided to split his lip open...this trying to get to grips with walking thing is pretty hard when your only fourteen and a half months old! He was fine though...thankfully...he's a real lesson in perseverance...he keeps falling over and bashing himself and often it ends in tears...and then he gets on and trys again...and again...and again...until one day he'll be walking and then running and goodness knows what else...all because he didn't give up...I hope I can be as determined!

Take care...Rachel