Feeling Lied To

[Boidae]

A couple weeks ago I asked my ex-girlfriend if our oldest child is going into high school, i received a yes as the reply. Today I called the high school to make sure I am on my son's mailing list to receive his report cards and other important mailings as well as give them my phone number. The guidance office let me know he is actually in eighth grade.

He was home schooled last year by his grandmother since that is where he is living. When I visited my kids back in May, the grandmother let me know he is doing well with the assignments and that he wants to go back to an actual school. So I believe I was being lied to there as well.

I think I was lied to because they needed me to sign a paper from family court granting primary residence to the grandmother so that he can go into that school district where he is living. I believe they knew that if I knew he wasn't doing as well as I was being led to believe that I would question signing said paper and the wisdom of him being with the grandmother.

Once again I find out for another source something my kid's mother should be telling me. So much for more and improved communication.

I'm fuming right now.

 

[Inkachu]

Boidae, I'm sorry about that... ... I'd be upset, too. Take a deep breath and don't let this stress you out. It's OK to be upset about it, but if you hold onto it, you're just going to be harming yourself.

 

[Boidae]

Boidae, I'm sorry about that... ... I'd be upset, too. Take a deep breath and don't let this stress you out. It's OK to be upset about it, but if you hold onto it, you're just going to be harming yourself.

I will try. This has been happening now for years. Pretty much since we broke up and I left six years ago. Nothing has changed. Still no communication, being lied to, and me finding out things about the kids other ways than from the one who should be telling me what's going on.

I am getting tired of it.

 

[Inkachu]

I will try. This has been happening now for years. Pretty much since we broke up and I left six years ago. Nothing has changed. Still no communication, being lied to, and me finding out things about the kids other ways than from the one who should be telling me what's going on.

I am getting tired of it.

Of course you are. Anyone would be. Your feelings are totally valid.

 

[LilLamb219]

Talk to your son. Don't involve the others since they are not trustworthy. Let your son know that you are interested in how he is doing.

 

[Inkachu]

Nevermind...

 

[Boidae]

Talk to your son. Don't involve the others since they are not trustworthy. Let your son know that you are interested in how he is doing.

I do, but he still doesn't like me enough to have those types of conversations. I still should be getting information from my ex-girlfriend and not finding out from the school that my son is in a grade behind what I was told he was in. I shouldn't have to find out on facebook that one of my kids was in the hospital.

As I said this is an ongoing thing and I have been patient, but that patience is now wearing thin.

 

[Boidae]

I don't think he's legally allowed to...?

I'm pretty sure that he could tell me what grade he is going into. Now, would he? No, I do not believe so. School is an off limit topic for him and I to discuss, since I will talk to him about attendance, grades and he doesn't like that.

 

[Inkachu]

Boidae, what recourse do you have available to you at this point?

And I don't know if you've addressed this before (you probably have), but what's keeping you from moving your current family closer to your other children?

 

[Boidae]

Boidae, what recourse do you have available to you at this point?

And I don't know if you've addressed this before (you probably have), but what's keeping you from moving your current family closer to your other children?

My wife and money is the simple answer. She will not move from Florida. The farthest north she will go is northern Georgia. With her illness she doesn't want to take the chance that the cold will affect her. It could make things worse for her.

We also do not have the money to make that move.

 

[LilLamb219]

I'm pretty sure that he could tell me what grade he is going into. Now, would he? No, I do not believe so. School is an off limit topic for him and I to discuss, since I will talk to him about attendance, grades and he doesn't like that.

I think I remember you talking about school and your son before...

So, yeah, it's tough if that is an off limit topic. That's where you talk about other things and gain his trust that way first.

 

[mkgal1]

Can you speak more with the guidance counselor about whether or not this move has been beneficial for him? He *did* have attendance issues in the past....correct? Maybe being in a different school....away from the previous group of kids is better (where he can be placed where it's best for him right now, and not worry about being teased or judged about the grade he's in).

I understand being upset about not getting the truth....but, IMO, what matters is that your son is getting an education and is *wanting* to go to school.

 

[mkgal1]

There's an author/clinical psychologist that I heard on the radio the other day. I really love her philosophy on raising children. She said we put too much emphasis on the external markers (grades.....awards....etc) and not enough on teaching our children how to "connect" with the world and others.

Here's a link....see what you think (if you are even interested):

Could you briefly explain 'conscious parenting'?

If I'm to set myself up as my child's teacher, I must first have learned how to be selfdisciplined. I must have addressed, and continue to address, my own emotional immaturity. I can do this by becoming a "conscious parent", someone who is true to their self. In this way, my child learns from me to also be true to their heart's deepest desires.


This is fundamentally different from hyper-focusing on our children's behavior and constantly "disciplining" them to get them to conform to our wishes.

I was born and raised in Mumbai by parents who were intuitively aware of the importance of allowing my spirit to be developed . As a result, I grew up with an intrinsic sense of worthiness. The cultural underpinnings of Indian society did seep in however. The onus on grades and achievement as markers of worth I was born and raised in Mumbai by parents who were intuitively aware of the importance of allowing my spirit to be developed . As a result, I grew up with an intrinsic sense of worthiness. The cultural underpinnings of Indian society did seep in however. The onus on grades and achievement as markers of worth along with what it meant to be a woman in a patriarchal society often collided with what I was being exposed to at home. But my parents helped me see that these external markers did not define who I was. ~http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/...rent-Shefali-Tsabary/articleshow/35872633.cms

 

[Boidae]

There's an author/clinical psychologist that I heard on the radio the other day. I really love her philosophy on raising children. She said we put too much emphasis on the external markers (grades.....awards....etc) and not enough on teaching our children how to "connect" with the world and others.

Here's a link....see what you think (if you are even interested):

First Look: Oprah and Dr. Shefali Tsabary on Conscious Parenting

I haven't watched the video yet, so I will have to see if this is addressed, but I am severely limited in the amount parenting that I can do especially since I am 1200 miles away. He knows this and exploits it. I talk about anything that he doesn't want to talk about and he ends the conversation which is easier for him since I cannot chase after him.

 

[mkgal1]

I haven't watched the video yet, so I will have to see if this is addressed, but I am severely limited in the amount parenting that I can do especially since I am 1200 miles away. He knows this and exploits it. I talk about anything that he doesn't want to talk about and he ends the conversation which is easier for him since I cannot chase after him.

I deleted that link, and added a text version (the video was just a commercial, I found out after linking it).

No one likes to be scrutinized.....and I wonder if that's what he's feeling from all sides? That's probably why he ends conversations. I do think the key (for you to have a relationship with him---based on trust) would be for you to be someone that "hears" him---someone that listens to what he's thinking.....feeling.....desiring. At this age....it's SO important--since his future really does depend on him trusting some adult (and, personally, I think YOU are a great person for him to trust). You just need to convince him of that (by listening to him).

 

[Inkachu]

Mkgal makes a good point. You're already absent from his life. If he feels you're "checking up on him", he might feel resentful, like "who is he to be snooping around for my grades or my school attendance? he's not even here!" Remember that as a child, he had no control over what happened between you and his mother. He didn't ask for a broken family. He didn't ask for a dad who lives 1200 miles away. And now you're remarried with a new family; that's probably extremely difficult for him. Imagine the rejection he might be feeling. I know you're concerned about his school performance; any parent would be. But since you have such limited contact with him, maybe try making your conversations more upbeat and pleasant; conversations that he might actually begin to want to have. Maybe call him and talk about a sports team you know he follows. Talk about his hobbies; is he into computers? Cars? Art? In other words, since you have such a limited window of opportunity to be in his life, make the most of it. Make it count. Try to look the situation from his point of view. He may be feeling "My dad isn't here, he's got a new family, but he thinks he has the right to ask about my grades?!" and try to move that towards "My dad may not be here, but I know he loves me, I know I'm important to him, and I can open up and share with him when he calls me".

 

[ToBeBlessed]

Your getting some good advice here.

 

[mkgal1]

try to move that towards "My dad may not be here, but I know he loves me, I know I'm important to him, and I can open up and share with him when he calls me".

Exactly. Wouldn't that be awesome for him to believe that?

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

I have no advice, but I'm posting in support to validate you.