Feeling helpless.

[FindingaWay]

I don't know how to go on.
Just.. need prayer, need to change, and I can't
I know God can - but, I've been asking Him for 20 years, so does He even want to?
I know all the answers. But at this moment, all I want to do is die, because that seems like the only way out.
No, that's not a threat, I wouldn't ever do it. I just wish I could not wake up in the morning. "In heaven there is neither marriage nor giving in marriage"... that sounds so good! And yet, I am not sure that I would get to heaven - it seems from scripture that the Lake of fire is a more likely option.

Sorry, I'm venting.
Things may look better tomorrow. And I know God is in charge.
But what do you do with the self hatred?

 

[SparkyRed]

Thats how I used to feel, God is good and things do change, but then you know that already

 

[Bellicus]

Hoping you are doing better by now, I just noticed the post today and I've been thinking a lot what I could write. Don't want to write just some religious nonsense that "everything will be OK cause of blablabla" and then everything remains the same.

I believe that God answers prayers, but still I know that many people pray and never get any answer. I talked to a girl once that was blind, and she desperately wanted to see. I felt bad for her, that she could never see fields of flowers or sunsets or anything at all. She had talked with some Christians and they had told her that they would pray for her and then she would see again, but it didn't work, and then they had just blamed it on her lack of faith. And I know that many people are praying when they have serious physical illnesses, but even if they prey they end up dead. I know my grandmother trusted God to heal her, but still she died. She would even have lived longer if she didn't trust God that much, and if she had no faith then maybe she would still be alive. I know she was a good woman, making meals for a old man next door, and always making sure the guests was comfortable, she had a big picture on the wall in the living room that just said "JESUS" with big golden letters, cause she was so proud of her faith. But still God didn't listen to her prayer. And I've seen many people struggling with all sorts of things that never seem to improve, and even if they pray, still all remain the same. So do God want to answer those prayers? Obviously not. He is almighty. He can do anything. Still He don't answer the prayers of many that suffer. And what would that mean? Does it mean that He don't care? When we look at the world, where people are killing each others in wars, children starving to death, all sorts of horrible things that happen - does it really seem like there is a God that care about all of us? Where is God in this world? I can't see Him anywhere. What is the meaning about this life? It don't make sense to me. There is no logical reason I can see for why I live here. And even if I believe in God and think there is a eternal life, then I can say for sure that I don't know how to live like the bible suggest I should be living and I find it unlikely that I ever will. All I can see behind me is long series of screw ups that go as far back as I can remember, so that don't give me much hope for the future either.

But still, even when I think of all of this, I know that God is with me. I don't see Him, I can't smell Him, I can't taste Him, I can't hear Him, I can't touch Him. When I try to think about Him I don't understand Him. And still He is with me and I know it. He speaks to my heart, He fills my soul with peace, He watches my every step and knows all my thoughts and the depths of my heart. He is everywhere around me. Even if I fail to do what He wants for me, even if I know He wants the best for me, still I can come to Him. I can always come to Him and He will never turn me away. And that's basically most of what I know. That He is with me, that I follow Him, and that there is a grave in front of me, in the end of my path, and I hope He is with me trough that too. And that is really all that matters. I've given up on this world a long time ago, this is not my home, it has never been, I belong somewhere else, and I hope I will find the place where I want to be. And I also hope the same for you. I hope I can meet you there and we both can say "This is a much better place to be, this is where I belong, I don't remember my troubles anymore, I want to stay here forever".

God bless you.

 

[Fowler]

Hey!
I will pray for you! I felt like you 2 months ago. I thought that nobody likes me. I felt despair...I was screaming and thought that death is only the way out. I have almost cut my veins but Thanks God! I didnt do it. I knew there will be better day. There is beauty in our world!
Cud you explain what have u been asking for 20 years? Wife? I think your post isnt clear that much.
AS for me, I am 17 and alone. I dont have gf. I was dumped and feel ehh not thAt good... Bit I understood, God just tests me in this way and its right. Patience is virtue.
Just remember, The Sun shines for all!

 

[SughaNSpice]

I don't know how to go on.
Just.. need prayer, need to change, and I can't
I know God can - but, I've been asking Him for 20 years, so does He even want to?
I know all the answers. But at this moment, all I want to do is die, because that seems like the only way out.
No, that's not a threat, I wouldn't ever do it. I just wish I could not wake up in the morning. "In heaven there is neither marriage nor giving in marriage"... that sounds so good! And yet, I am not sure that I would get to heaven - it seems from scripture that the Lake of fire is a more likely option.

Sorry, I'm venting.
Things may look better tomorrow. And I know God is in charge.
But what do you do with the self hatred?

First off you need to seek out the services of a good therapist. One that doesn’t’ pretend people can change sexual orientation – and start working on your self esteem and this horrible self hatred with him/her.

Thanks to these forums I have learned a lot about ex-gay therapy –probably more than I would ever have cared to – (I’m guessing that is the underlying issue considering where you posted this and all) One of the hallmarks of this “therapy” is the promotion of self-hate.

 

[faithful follower]

Self-hatred is not from God. No matter what the struggle, self-hatred won't help it.

Alcoholics could hate themselves for struggling with alcohol, but it wouldn't help them cope.

I pray you find peace. I pray you find help! I pray you find self-acceptance and self-love. I pray you find and experience God's love for you!! He hasn't gone anywhere and He is not going to leave you because you struggle.

I'm praying for you.

 

[FindingaWay]

Thank you all.
I know self hatred isn't from God... and you know, somehow that makes it worse.. because I feel condemned for feeling condemned - how stupid is that!
I have started therapy, not with someone claiming to 'change' anything, in the hope that I can work out how to accept myself.
But, that won't make the problems go away, and looking at the issues, I don't think there is an answer, short of the kind of miracle that I am noy sure I believe in any longer.