I am sick and tired of feeling guilty for not wanting children right now.
My husband and I have been married for 3 1/2 years. And someday I may want to have a child. But right now I don't. Not at all. I had a difficult childhood and teen years and I took on a lot of responsibility at a young age. My grandparents grew ill when I was 15 and I spent my teenage years taking care of them. Over the past few months I've discovered some things that I want to do, like learning to scuba dive, go back to school, travel alittle. After taking care of people for so long, I don't want to take care of anyone right now, I want to try things that I've always been interested in. After talking with my husband, he completely understands how I feel and agrees that I need to try these things and enjoy myself. He encourages me with this decision.
But there are people who just make me feel so guilty for our choice not have a child right now. Friends, some family. They make comments about when we're going to have one, that we should get started soon etc. and it really ticks me off. They act like I'm selfish for wanting to take time to myself.
You're not wrong in your decision at all. You don't need to feel guilty! Just make the opinions of those people in this matter so unimportant in your mind that it doesn't bother you when they say that stuff to you. I know it's easier said then done perhaps, but you've done nothing wrong even if you never, ever want to have a kid. It's not a requirement at all. Either ignore the people or pointedly tell them to stop asking you about it.
You need a good line to firmly tell people that this issue is not up for a vote...
Perhaps when people offer their opinion, you should reach for a small notebook you keep in your purse and say "I'll make that down! Wanda thinks we SHOULD have children. Thanks so much for your opinion!" And if the advice is offered by someone who frequently brings up the subject you can then say, looking into the notebook - "Yes, I already recorded your vote... you think I SHOULD have children. Thanks again." Put away the notebook and close the subject - do not discuss it with them.
No, you aren't wrong. People are just rude. I get asked ALL.THE.TIME when I am going to have a baby. Even by people who have been told that we don't prevent pregnancy. It's so tacky!!!
First, I would like to say that as both a married woman, and also not in a rush to bare children, I do sympathize with the pressure often felt by family and friends who feel a need to have a say in how you and your husband should live.
However, I do feel like you're reasons for not wanting to have children are selfish, which is why people are likely making you feel guilty. Might I suggest sister that such a decision needs prayer and guidance from our Lord. There is nowhere in scripture, specifically in the new testament that says that one must have children within the first 2 years of marriage. But you must consider that having children is a blessing and a gift from God, and you must also consider that whether you feel you're ready or not, God may give you a child before you plan. Our Lord is sovereign and through His grace, there isn't a form of birth control out there that will stop His plan.
It is important to remember that God will never give you a challenge you can't overcome, and giving selfish reasons such as wanting to pursue more school, or a bad childhood are not reasons to not have children. Being a woman of God always demands sacrifice, and is always accompanied by challenges, this idea that you should wait to have children because you wish to pursue scuba diving is a worldly idea, I highly recommend my Sister that you and your husband reassess your reasons.
You need to strip away all those worldly reasons, and at the core pray. Pray that God will give you guidance and clarity. Because we are only in this world for a short time.
It is important to remember that God will never give you a challenge you can't overcome, and giving selfish reasons such as wanting to pursue more school, or a bad childhood are not reasons to not have children.
I don't believe that God won't "give me more then I can handle." I believe he does to push our faith and to get us to rely on him. And, if being emotionally drained, depressed, and not ready for a child are not good reasons, please share with me what you think is.
Being a woman of God always demands sacrifice, and is always accompanied by challenges, this idea that you should wait to have children because you wish to pursue scuba diving is a worldly idea, I highly recommend my Sister that you and your husband reassess your reasons.
First, did you read any of my post? Because I don't think you full comprehend why I don't want children. You pulled out the examples I gave without seeing the bigger picture.
Second, don't you dare tell me about sacrifice. I have sacrificed. Tremendously. I gave up my childhood. I gave up my teen years to care for my sickly grandparents. I gave up the college I really wanted to attend and the career I wanted to stay and care for them. I gave up living near my family and friends so my husband could go to school and pursue a career that he loves. I don't regret these decisions, they were the right decisions to make, but they have taken their toll. Do you honestly believe that it's wrong of me to wait a few years so I can pursue my dreams and my hopes? Because if so, I think that it's just plain cruel.
You need to strip away all those worldly reasons, and at the core pray. Pray that God will give you guidance and clarity. Because we are only in this world for a short time.
I believe that you might have misunderstood my reply.
First, I am not putting into question you're choice to wait to have children. I even understand the pressures you might feel and you are certainly not wrong for wanting to wait.
However, the reasons for not wanting to have children are incredibly selfish. Even as you try to prove to me and to everyone else all that you have given up in your life for others, it is all about you. We all feel that way, we all feel most of the time that we have been given a bad hand in life, but as Christians, God has promised us a much better place. I pray that God would grant you the peace you are obviously seeking.
Perhaps you should reread your post and read how many times you have used how much "you" have suffered, and "your" wants, "your" needs, and "your" sacrifices. My husband and I are not having children because God is not calling us to be parents at this time, and perhaps never. I was merely suggesting that perhaps the reason you were feeling guilty was because of your selfish reasons.
I do empathize with you Sister, and I do understand how difficult it is to strip away all the selfishness and bow before our Lord and beg for His deliverance. I struggle with it every single day.
I believe that you might have misunderstood my reply.
First, I am not putting into question you're choice to wait to have children. I even understand the pressures you might feel and you are certainly not wrong for wanting to wait.
However, the reasons for not wanting to have children are incredibly selfish. Even as you try to prove to me and to everyone else all that you have given up in your life for others, it is all about you. We all feel that way, we all feel most of the time that we have been given a bad hand in life, but as Christians, God has promised us a much better place. I pray that God would grant you the peace you are obviously seeking.
Perhaps you should reread your post and read how many times you have used how much "you" have suffered, and "your" wants, "your" needs, and "your" sacrifices. My husband and I are not having children because God is not calling us to be parents at this time, and perhaps never. I was merely suggesting that perhaps the reason you were feeling guilty was because of your selfish reasons.
I do empathize with you Sister, and I do understand how difficult it is to strip away all the selfishness and bow before our Lord and beg for His deliverance. I struggle with it every single day.
You say that God isn't calling you to be a parent, yet the Bible commands us to be fruitful and multiply. So then, how is it that you aren't called to be a parent at this time?
The fact of the matter is, you and your husband have used your current life situation, which includes past experiences, as well as what you "feel" God telling you, to come to that decision. Why do you have a problem with me doing the same?
It's very easy to sit in a seat of judgement over someone, especially if you don't know the person you're judging. You see my reasons as selfish, but keep in mind I've only shared what is appropriate for an online forum. My husband and I have reviewed our methods and reasons many many times, but even if we felt ready, or if we were "called" to be parents, which I'm not convinced of as yet, reality says that we simply cannot support a child, emotionally, spiritually, or financially at this point in our lives, thus we will not have children now, or ever if the situation doesn't change.
Anyway, the pressure to have children is external from a variety of places, not something internal, i.e. Spirit conviction. My frustration is mainly with people unwilling to accept my choices in the matter, especially people I care for. My husband supports me, but it would be better for me if other people I care about would be respectful and understanding of our feelings and decisions.
If you do not wish to be criticized I would suggest not asking for it. If you do not wish to get other viewpoints, but have others tell you that you are right; perhaps you should choose a different context in which to ask this question. Only God knows the motivations behind the choices you make and He will ultimately be the judge of them. Sunflowerwife was simply trying to say that as Christians we are to live a live of self-denial, to take up your cross and follow him. Also that every part of our lives should be in submission to Him who redeems us from sin. She was simply challenging you to take a close look at your motivations and to pray about it, not judging you or telling you that you are wrong.
It is OK that you choose to be childfree. My husband and I have made that permanent decision, and made physically sure we don't have an "uh-oh". I, as well, often get, (more often than not from Christians) the when are you gonna have kids or you need a few kids comments. I rather bluntly tell them, that it is none of their business if or when I choose to procreate. It is not a requirement of being a follower of Jesus, it not a requirement for salvation, and it does need to be done to get into Heaven. Others think they know what is best, and think they have the right to judge, but they are wrong. I do not judge nor condemn those who choose to have 1,3,5 or how ever many kids they would like. Sadly, for some reason, society does not offer us CF people the same courtesy.
Respectfully tell them, that you, for personal reasons, choose not to reproduce. The reasons can be whatever they be. Mine are not selfish, I simply do not have a maternal bone in my body, and I have no desire to "pass along my genes." My life is quite full with my dogs, my cats, my job, my husband, my faith and my personal interests.
DO NOT let them mess with you.
We are married and don't have kids yet, either. We still have things we want to do. My husband wants to grow his business more and I want to join the military reserves. So I guess we are being selfish together
A couple people mentioned a few things that sort of made me writhe a bit... for example, I absolutely loathe the idea of "God won't give you something you can't handle" -- that is such a false statement on so many levels, but true in other ways.... since God doesn't give you anything you can't handle... but life does. And life is random and full of coincidence, and we are full of error and bad judgment calls.
And children is one of those things that not everyone is good at, not everyone wants, and not everyone is "cut out for". Even if you go ahead and have a child anyway, you still may have actually made a mistake. An error in judgment. A faux-pas... And you might not be able to handle it. I know because I've been pregnant (by accident), and I had the child, and I couldn't handle it. I gave the child up in the end, to make a long story short.
The fact is, nothing on this Earth or in the other realms that exist will ever, EVER stop you from making a stupid decision. And sometimes those decisions turn into things you can't handle -- that's why we're supposed to use the brain God gave us, rather than run into things we logically know or perhaps feel we would be no good at, or that we don't even want.
I know first hand the dire situation surrounding making the wrong choice. God isn't going to "fix it", God isn't going to "change how you feel," and no matter how hard you try to "make it work"? Sometimes things are a mistake, and you just have to own up to that fact. But what is preferable to having to own up to the mistake after you make it, is avoiding the mistake to begin with because you logically know and instinctually feel you are not cut out for that life path.
And that's ok!
Moving on...
While being child-free isn't at all selfish (as I mentioned in my previous post, it's a common misconception that choosing not to have children is selfish), you know what? I'm just going to come out and say it: I'm selfish. And I love it. We like our money and our resources and our time to ourselves. Big deal? We'll have a long, happy marriage never arguing about money or kids. I'm looking forward to it like you would not believe. The future is a bright, shiny ball of "us, us, us" (a play on "me me me," except I'm married ) and I don't mind one bit, and frankly I don't think God minds one bit either. We have other things in life to put our energies into and what those things are or are not is frankly no one's business but our own.
This is the life I enjoy, this is the life that's right for me. And anyone who thinks differently can promptly choke on it for all I care.
Because here are the facts:
1) No one knows me but me and God.
2) No one knows what's right for me but me, and God.
3) No one knows my relationship with God, but me.
So no one can tell me what God does and does not want for my life.
Oh, the whole "be fruitful and multiply" thing.. I wrote an article on that, cut below if you'd like to read it.
As if I don't get enough back-lash for being progressive, I have one other "large" thing in my personal life that tends to get me a lot of ire from more main-stream to conservative Christians: the fact that I am a child-free individual.
Note the distinction "child free," not "childless" as these are two very different concepts. Child-free individuals have chosen not to have children, where as childless individuals most often have had that choice stripped from them (people who are unable to have children are more commonly known as "childless," for example). Oh I am perfectly capable of reproducing endlessly I'm sure, a young woman in good health... however, I simply choose not to for a barrage of reasons that are neither here nor there for the purpose of this particular article.
Mainstream to Conservative Christianity is unfortunately full of a lot of stereotypes for the livelihood of its members (as are many other organizations, as this tends to be the natural state of being for any "group of people"), and the Child-Free do not escape the type-cast. In fact, as far as topics to smash with the heavy hammer of fundamental values, a person choosing to be child-free ranks up there with the "gall" to even mention in passing that Jesus Christ may not have been Divine.
In other words, this issue is taken as a very serious war-crime on the battleground of spiritual-life.
One common Christianity-based misconception and "myth against a child-free life" has to do with a fairly early portion of the Bible that almost everyone knows by heart... Genesis, to be precise. It is used as a bludgeoning implement in the "war on the child-free" by those who believe having children is the one and only way to live a productive adult Christian life.
What most Christians fail to take into consideration from the start, however, are the same items the mainstream often fails to consider when taking in any portion of the text at all: context, time period, interpretation, literary and poetic devices, and so many other things that combine into what we know to be the overall Bible today. It is not as straight-forward as most people want to make it; the Bible is truly a very complex tool in some ways, though wonderfully simple in others.
In Gen. 1:28, God commands the newly-created man to "be fruitful and multiply." But what most people fail to realize... is that we already have.
Human beings have done exactly what God wanted and we have filled the entire earth with our children. We have fulfilled the original command to survive by procreation; we have gone forth and multiplied throughout the entire world that He has given us, and we have taken it as our own. Our children, our technology, our history, our society, our everything is fruitful and is multiplied, to the max. Even to the point where now we have created (or are creating) a society and situation in which some of our higher civilizations are having trouble supporting the sheer amount of offspring we've produced! We've certainly gone "above and beyond" the call of duty, as it were.
And now? We're most certainly left with one thing and one thing only: To use the brain God gave us.
Think about this: the command to have children was repeated to the Israelites when they were about to enter Canaan for the purpose of conquering it. It was important to fill the area with children of their own in order to make sure that their society prospered in the face of an opposing force. So that of course makes a lot of sense that you would want your society to produce children at an expedited rate. Also, throughout the Old Testament, not having children was considered to be a curse, so obviously it was important to have children based on the context of the times. This is important to keep in mind, and is yet another huge point that outlines the Bible as a context-based piece of literature. There are many good and true things in the Bible about God, but there are also many deceiving points that can lead us astray if interpreted incorrectly, or worse: literally.
Still other points include the fact that today in our more modern societies we are not primarily an agricultural or agrarian society! There was a time in history when people needed children for no other reason but to support their own livelihood - work the fields, tend the sheep, feed the animals, till the lands, and so on. But for many people in the modern western world, we have reached a point in many areas where children can actually be a financial burden. This is not to down-play the importance of children in society at all but rather to shine a light on the appalling living conditions we have created for ourselves as communities. Where I live, we have some of the highest costs of living in the world. Being able to afford to have a child, should I even have wanted one, would actually be a luxury at best.
Christians today concentrate on a set of very much out-dated and culturally-based statements in a very old book to dictate how they view the modern, advanced world. However, this world is also God's world also! People seem to forget that fact, when turning to the Bible. Not that I want to come across primarily as "anti-Bible" -- Yes, use the Bible, but use it along side your own personal relationship with God, and use God as the central last-best resource for answers and assistance on interpretation for a book touched by the imperfect hands of mankind. The Bible is simply not 100% up-to-date and 100% relevant for today's society without correct context, and some parts of it are not even admissable today without context, they are simply.. of no use to us, except perhaps as part of literary study.
I always find it disturbing to see Christians treating other Christians poorly while using the Bible and the name of God. Of all the people on earth I would anticipate would reject me for my lifestyle choices, in theory Christians should actually be among the last and in the most few. In reality, Christians as a mainstream instead come across as primarily judgmental and even hostile to groups of people who make lifestyle choices they either do not agree with, or simply do not understand. The list we could all make of these groups of shunned individuals would probably line our arms and then some.
But I digress...
My point is this: People telling those of us who choose not to have any children "God wants us to have children", is about as correct as telling anyone else that God had no intention on you: marrying your current spouse, working your current job, living your current life. The fact is no one, absolutely no one knows your life better than you, better than God. And no one can dictate anything for your life. To attempt to make that blanket-dictation in any category at all is a judgment made about each of us that states we have gone against the will of God (obviously known by everyone except us) and are creating a sin in our lives; but this sin does not even exist except in the minds of those who fabricate it from mind's eye and insist it upon reality in general.
I always find this topic to be somewhat taboo in every circle of life, spiritual or not. Community is based on children who are born and raised, so it is often difficult for that minority of us who choose not to fit the community stereotype as adults to find understanding for our decisions and life choices. So, if you are Christian, and you are child-free... I urge you not to be fearful to discuss your circumstance with other Christians in an open way so that light may be shed on the choice to be a child-free Christian.
And if the next time a Christian might say to you, "God said be fruitful and multiply"?
Simply tell them: "We already have."
Anyway.. I'm glad I'm child-free, I don't mind wanting my life to myself, and I'm 100x glad that my husband is "fixed". And "feeling guilty" is and never will be anywhere on my radar. Nor should it be on anyone else's.
No this not the wrong decision, in fact it is wise. There are too many couples being parents because that is what is expected of them. It is not them that will have the responsibility of any children you have, it will be you and unlike an unwanted item you can't send it back to the shop. Stick to your guns and have children when and if you want.
I believe that when we claim our faith in Jesus Christ and becoming Christians - everything we are, our life, everything we own - do not just belong to us. God owns everything we have, we are just God's stewards in this life - therefore we ought to be good stewards. And I also believe that children are from God, it's not really "up to us" to decide if we should or shouldn't have children - especially if we don't want to have children because we are trying to fulfill our own agenda. We're not our own anymore...we were bought with Jesus' blood on the Cross, therefore we're supposed to honor God with our life and decisions we make.
When God created the earth and all the creations including Adam - He blessed them and said to them, "Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it." - Genesis 1:28
The fact that God created the world and told us to "increase in numbers" should give us a clue that one of the reasons God created marriage is to procreate. I understand that there are some women that have medical condition that they can't have kids--that's fine and naturally can't conceive but that's up to God if He's going to give children or not. Other than that, I don't mean to argue but I just want to point you back to God/His words - it all starts with God, then us. Not the other way around. In my opinion - if you are married and you don't desire to have any children - then you should pray, ask God to search your heart and seek what His desire is (by lots of prayers and reading His words) in your life regarding children.
There is a very strong argument that the two (and only two... never repeated by Jesus, but just... two) times in the Bible that God told anyone to "go forth and multiply" were the two times that the world was empty and needed to be populated. That has obviously been accomplished now.
Lia, you are in a forum called Childfree Couples. It's specifically set aside for those who choose not to have children. It's not a place for those who think children are a mandate for all Christians to impose their views on the rest of us. It's a safe-haven. I'm sure you can start a fruitful thread on why everyone should have kids in the Parenting forum, and you'll be well received. But it doesn't belong here.
Does that mean that God's words change over time? If He creates marriage as a mean of His covenant, companion and procreation in Genesis, does that mean that His words change now that the world is populated? I believe God never change. He is the God of Abraham, Jacob, Moses, Paul and me. He is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. Jesus died thousand of years ago to save those who believe in Him and He still save sinners these days. His words don't change.
I understand that it is a Childfree couples forum but I was just browsing the forum and saw the original's poster question and I was just wanted to state what it's written in the Bible. I don't mean to judge or to argue - if I'm not received here... that's fine, I will leave. May God bless you.
In my opinion - if you are married and you don't desire to have any children - then you should pray, ask God to search your heart and seek what His desire is (by lots of prayers and reading His words) in your life regarding children.
Question: Do you believe that God could tell a couple not to have children?
Looking at the context of Genesis, was God commanding all people everywhere throughout the history of time to have children, or was He speaking directly to Adam and Eve?
And if God speaks to us individually, could He tell people not to have children even though they may be able to biologically?
My parents are perfect examples of people who biologically could have children, but never should have. My father neglected me for 20 years, my mother nearly killed me. By the grace of God, my grandparents gained custody, but I've had the perfect example of people who shouldn't have had a child, but were still able to.
(And this also comes down to a bit of theology on my part. I don't believe that God points to a couple and goes "BAM! You're going to have a child." He set certain laws of natures (ex. gravity) in place and I believe that applies to how children are created (do I really have to get into the details? ) )
What you posted is the typical Christian answer I get, but I don't get answers for these.
When I posted the orignal post, I was and emotional wreck over the pressure from my family and friends to have children (my father and I have reconciled over the past few years and he keeps asking when I'm giving him a grandchild). So it's my fault for not stepping back and being more rational in what I was writing (the past few months have been horrible). I also should have mentioned that my husband and I have prayed and discussed this more then once. It's a discussion that's on going, one that we keep talking about and praying about because who knows when things change. I do find it funny how a lot of Christians don't think that we've prayed about it.
I did post this in the Childfree Couples forum because I was looking for encouragement from others who have made the same decision as us, because I don't know any in real life. All my closest friends have children and can't fathom the idea of not having children.
I was going to leave but I saw your post Cynthia - let me reply really quick before I quit this forum. I just wanted to reply again just because you said that what I posted previously is the typical Christian answer you got and you never got answers for your next question. I just wanted to see if I can offer an answer.
I don't think God will tell people to have or not to have children these days. God doesn't talk to us directly anymore these days - the prophets' days were over long time ago. But what we left is discernment that comes from knowing God and His words. If God doesn't want you to have children then God will not give you any children - there are many couples that can't have children. I have three close friends that have been trying for 1.5, 3 and 10 years to have a baby but they haven't conceived.
I'm actually in the same position with you in the way that I was raised abused physically by my dad and he also threatened to kill me when I was 15 years old. My mom told me many times that she hated me growing up. But God gave me grace to forgive them (over time) for the things they did - God reconciled our relationship. Other than that, my husband's parents were divorced and troubled - he was raised by his grandparents since he was 3 or 5 years old. You know what - these parental issues are simply what we called "sins". People sins everytime - you and I sin, parents sin, children sin. Sometime people don't realize that what we need is His words, forgiveness, God's grace and His grace is sufficient - including having and raising a child.
Though my husband and I had bad experience growing up too - by God's grace we are open to having a child. I don't even know if I can (cause I never tried having a baby before and actually, according to my ob-gyn, I have a thinner wall in my womb so an embryo might not stay - so I might not be able to have a child after all, who knows) - you know what I will just trust God and eventhough I'm scared to death about being pregnant or raising a child/children, I will trust God that His grace is sufficient in everything I and my husband will go through.
And please get me wrong - I have never thought that you never or didn't pray about it. You are a Christian, I'm sure you pray, especially for something important like this. But sometimes even though we pray a lot, we still lack of discernment - I know many times I do, that's why we need to hear from other believers because God can speak through people around us. And if we look for encouragement/discernment - then maybe it's good to hear from two different sides. Unless you set to hear from one side only, then you're just looking for a justification of your decision.
As I said before, I will leave this forum and won't look back after this. Thanks for reading. God's blessings and grace to you and your husband.
I think my FIL was trying the old guilt trip on me a few days back. I was looking excitedly through a toy catalogue because I love kids toys (mainly boys toys). My FIL suggested I have a boy so I can play with these toys. I responded that there was no way I would be willing to share my toys with some child and if I wanted to then I have a nephew. He told me its not the same so I agreed and said its better because its all the fun without the responsibility.
I have been bingo'd by a family member in ages so maybe he thought I was softening my attitude to children. I still don't have a maternal bone in my body.
I told my work friends about the conversation and they kinda felt sorry for him. I do understand where they are coming from but a grandchild is not a right. He has just turned 60 so should be enjoying a childfree time not wanting little children around.
One of my friends is in hospital for her third big operation in just over a year and she is getting asked when she is having children. I get so mad at peoples obsession with children. She needs to recover from her operations because she is not a well person but not many people seem to understand that.
