Feeling guilt..

[yellowfree]

So recently i made some purchases.
A software program got on sale where they knocked of nearly $250 . ( it was on sale for $559 something like that)
I had been thinking of purchasing it for awhile.

the sale was to end mMondayso i decided out of much thinking and deliberation to purchase it.

However with that software in order to use it close to how i want i needed other equipment. ( all music relationship ) This totaled to over $1000 which i put on credit.Its near my credit limit.however as long as i make the minimum payment..there is no interest for two years though if i do that the credit utilisation on my card may be high factoring in to lower my credit score..though i am not planning to buy a house any time soon...though ive considered buying a car but anyway i have to get my drivers license first and i could by a used one without a car note.

For so long ive wanted to at least try to learn to make music.This is opportunity albeit expensive one to pursue that.

On top of that i bought a dslr and laptop ( maybe i could dj with it)
and like three or two minor purchaes totalling over $1200 also near the credit limit of that store card.

Twice before i had purchased a workstation ( to make music) which i ended up returning out of fear and guilt.

Twice i purchased and cancelled an order for an imac computer i really wanted again guilt and some fear of death

my mom has noticed this pattern of behavior and suggested i expect better and get another job.

This may increase my monthly bill by 65-$70. I have to admit I have utility bill I have to take care of are over due on

so ive worried about the fact that yes ive already had it tough making ends meet.
Working on getting another job.

But on top of that i may end up going to a school program i don't even care to pursue medical related because of fear and pressure from mom..

Its hard trying to be my own man, whilst trying to see the wisdom of my mom. ( as she has in sense indoctrinated me to pursue a career in the medical field. .it hard because she will speak words that make me think i can be successful else wise though she did once though something else that gave me a little hope I could do something else i cared or maybe still care to do )

Well as concerning the purchases my mom doesn't want me to return them and said maybe this will at least prompt or drive me or motivate me to pursue a better job.

Sigh. I really want give a shot at the creative endeavors but its been hard. I really have to get a better source of income and work at that ...though i may have an undiagnosed case of OCD..or some anxiety issues...which may have contributed to where im at now....
there is also other issues. I have felt like i use some verses in Romans 14 to self sabotage myself...
but i have l dreams about music ive heard that have inspired me to at try a produce what ive heard ..

There is free music producing software but im not sure how to use it ..id rather purchase the other software and learn it at lynda.com

Literally i wake up scared and guilty not being able to sleep. I pray in tongues but i've still felt guilt. I think Holy Spirit told me to ask or get advice from others ( i wish i could hear or discern his voice well as he is the counselor of God's children )

I thought i heard separate the purchases but again i may start school in the fall ...and it seems frustrating to wait for equipment separately. ..

if you guys could offer a solution or guidance please do...

Also i have heard from my self brother and person prophetically online about how i should "swing"
Which mean to me chill have fun..
these are outlets i could do that by...

I suppose there are cheaper ways to have fun but i want to use the opportunity i have to pursue or try out something.

I want to see also if i could sell stuff online to help with my bills. It's kjsut that I have the opportunity to do this now..I feel somehow I should be able to come up with way of getting extra income to help pay bills. But that software it not necessarily on sale like that

Mind you i stil have opportunity to return those things except the software if i open it.
but my mom does want me to and i don't either but the guilt and fear in the morning...how long can i bear that..?


I was upset real bad one time to because i could not hear God speak to me and out of my mouth i guess was "DJ"
Also i had heard dj before...and rap (spit)
Had a dream of rapping maybe one or twice ..i remember a vivid one...anyway.
Mind you i don't currently have interest in rapping much though one rappers rapping was pretty powerful and i could see how it seemed like a tool i could strengthen my spirit hear by.

I saw a female dj online and i could see it looked "cool"
Perhaps with practice i could get be good and get gigs and hence have an extra source of income.

How will i know if i don't try. I have my moms computer at home to use but i don't feel comfortable putting expensive software on her computer and if i dj software it would help to have a laptop...anyway.

Though i must have faith God will guide me give me wisdom so as to receive it plus please pray that i will have faith to receive wisdom from God on this matter and if you guys could use your faith on my behalf for wisdom as and guidance id appreciate it.

 

[Bass4Jesus]

The last thing you need, especially at this point in your life, is credit card debt. Actually the last thing anyone needs at any point in his life is credit card debt. Sell/return everything you possibly can, and stop using the credit card immediately. Cut it up if you have to. Start paying cash for everything. Yeah, I know, not so cool for people your age who love their plastic and hate cash, but it will force you to stay on a budget.

There really isn't any spiritual angle to any of this. It just a question of making good decisions & developing good habits for when you finally do start a career as a DJ or whatever, because when that happens, you'll want to have those good habits already in place as your foundation, or else your whole business will tank because you'll still be buying all kinds of stuff on a whim like you are now. Trust me, I've seen it happen over and over again, especially in the music business where everyone's in hock up to their necks. Don't be a chump like everyone else. Start clean, with a positive net worth. You'll thank me later, even if I sound totally boring now, lol.......

 

[yellowfree]

Please it is not funny not all..

I have literally felt like death over this guilt.
I have a something I really want in my heart to try out but definitely issues have been making it not easy for me to try these things out

All I know is that I have the opportunity now in a sense. I want to use it while I have
Sure it may seem easy for you to say that but you are not being sensitive to the position I am in..because I doubt you know how I fell.

You telling me to take everything back is like you ripping and shredding my dream out my hand.
How long must I wait, when will be the perfect time. All of this hinges on money. If I plan to go to school in two months or less

I am trying to work with the situation I have. I definitely need to amp up my search and strive to get more income. I have credit card debt and I have done my best to keep up with the payments and trying to figure out a ways in which I can pay of the higher ones off. I know that there is interests but I want to own up to that and will have to take the hit of interest fees if I don't pay them off before the interest free period ends.

I literally work hourly part time job that doesn't' pay much sure if you are making an income that you can live on sure I could just buy cash for everything.

Again that software is on sale. I don't know when it will come on sell again. If I am in school I will not have much time to be learning new software. It is summer, and I am not studying at the moment.

Well I have other things to consider if my income were to change.
Anyway I am going to think and try to come up with a plan to sort this matter out.

 

[BFine]

Keep yourself free from debt, take the
stuff back ASAP.

Put out the word about what you would
like to do with music etc.
I have family members here in Canada that
are in bands, they started out by seeking resources (sharing instead of buying) -- the
buying came after they got a couple gigs....
mind you, they bought good used items not
brand new since they were starting out.
Then over time they replaced the used items
with new equipment.

 

[Mister_Al]

Sometimes you will wreck the car a couple of times before you learn when to hit the brakes.

Blessings,

Alan

 

[Goodbook]

You say it all hinges on money. What hinges on money?

You cant buy yourself into a career.

Maybe go back and ask God what He wants you to do and if its to be a dj ask him to show you how to be a God glorifying one.

Going into debt does not sound like fun..you going to be a slave for months paying all that off, with interest if you forget.