Feeling conflicted

[MnLeo]

I was born and raised as a Christian, baptized and confirmed in a Lutheran church, raised in a very good Christian family, though like everybody, my life is far from perfect, and though I feel my beliefs very strongly, I am not a perfect Christian and I feel conflicts between what is expected of us as Christians, and some of the things I have experienced in my life.


I have some terrible experiences from my past that are still with me. My sister and I were from different fathers, neither of whom we were around when we were children, so my mother married another man, a stepfather, and he was very bad to all three of us. He was very abusive in all the usual ways, we lived with him for seven years and that whole time was just like one long nightmare for us, worse yet, because it was like a nightmare you can't wake up from. To give just a small example, he molested my sister a handful of times when she was only eight years old and on one occasion he brutally raped my mother while I sat helplessly in the next room. I feel horrible anger and bitterness every time I remember that event because I wish to God I could have done something to help my mother, and I feel very bad that I couldn't, but he was a very violent man and I was just a small child at the time and was terrified of him as we all three were. And these are just a couple of many, many other terrible experiences we all three suffered at the hands of this awful man during the time we lived with him.


So, to this day, every time the memories of this man and the things he put us through resurface in my mind, I still feel furious anger and great hatred of him for all these terrible things he did to us. For me, time has not lessened the intensity of the things I feel against him and the power these awful memories still hold for me. I know that in the Bible Jesus commands us to love even our enemies, and God commands us to forgive others that we ourselves may be forgiven. But I can't deny the things I feel, they are real, and to me they are entirely valid. I can't imagine a human being who could go through all these terrible abuses at those young and impressionable ages and not feel these same kinds of things for the abuser. So I don't know how to even begin letting such a thing go. Plus, after considering it all for a long time, I really feel like even if I could forgive this man for these terrible things he did to us, that would be just the same as me saying the things he did to us are ok with me, and they are not, as long as I live they will never be ok with me. So on the one hand, I feel like to this day my anger and my hatred of this man are still so strong, so intense, that I will probably never be able to forgive him as long as I live, and I also can't even begin to imagine how I could ever feel any love for that awful man whatsoever, like I just hate him too much to even be able to imagine the idea even if I wanted to.


Yet on the other hand I know we are commanded as Christians to forgive people who hurt us and love our enemies in order to have God's salvation. So I find myself going back and forth between my terrible hatred and anger for this man, and my very sincere desire to obey Jesus and the Father's commandments for us. And I keep wondering, if it turns out I can never forgive this man and can never love him as long as I live, does that mean I'm a failure as a Christian? This is really a terrible conflict for me that I go through again and again and I don't know how to resolve these things. I don't believe God meant for anybody to live with this kind of heartache, but I just don't know how I could ever forgive or love him when he did such terrible harm to us, especially when he will probably never care even a little bit as long as he lives his sorry, self indulgent excuse for a life.

 

[tp552]

Hey, I am so sorry that you had to go through this.

God already knows everything that you are feeling-and remember-you are human-and remember, He knows that! Ask for help to forgive, it might not happen overnight but keep that in the forefront of your prayers.

Don't feel defeated, it is easy to do. It seems that I have a laundry list everynight of my daily shortcomings...do your very best and remember, He is a God of mercy. Talk to Him and ask for help to forgive. I will keep you in my prayers-keep your head up!

 

[hedrick]

Fortunately God doesn't expect us to be perfect. I think it would help you get past your experiences if you could forgive him, but it could take decades, and it may even never be possible. It doesn't make you less a Christian because there are some things you can't do.

If you look at Jesus' teaching about judgement, I think you'll see that God didn't judge people for mistakes. Rather, the people who were in trouble with Jesus were those who didn't live their faith in any way, even as little as giving a cup of water to someone. (Mark 9:41) Start with what you can do, and go from there.

 

[FireDragon76]

First off, learning to forgive is not about condoning or forgetting evil. But it is about letting go of the anger. You should learn to forgive just because its no fun to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders, to believe that if you let go of your anger, somehow that lets somebody else off the hook. Having to be a judge is a terrible burden.

That has been very hard for me to understand. Maybe because many Christians are so good at judging others, even though they have euphemistic ways of talking about it. Most Christian churches do a poor job of being a culture of forgiveness, which is IMO the real message of Jesus. Not about the tribalism and religiosity that engulfs most Christian churches, which is the sort of thing that Jesus rejected in his own ministry and life.

 

[PrudenceAnn]

I am so sorry to read of your experiences. Truly. So much so that it is hard to know what to say... Please remember that you are so loved... By God and by your brothers and sisters around the world. I would also like to offer you any support that I can... If you ever need to vent, for example, I check my messages frequently and I am more than happy to provide a virtual shoulder, if you ever feel you need this.

In terms of forgiveness... It is hard. Having experienced abuse myself, I know this all too well. I wish I could give you a step by step guide of how to forgive... But I can't. I can only tell you how it has been for me personally... your journey may be quite different from mine.

I would like to start by reiterating the point made by FireDragon76... Forgiveness is not about condoning and accepting acts of evil... Not at all. Forgiveness is, however about letting go... And as such liberating yourself from these events. My own experience of forgiveness is that it is a beautiful gift... when one has not been able to forgive, any experience of pain and anger prolongs the events... bringing them back over and over again, so that one never moves beyond that extreme pain you have described. As I said... I can relate to this. For many years I was haunted by my experiences... Every time I heard certain words, or experienced pain in any form, I was right back there, experiencing abuse all over again. It was as if I was forever stuck in these moments. However, since accepting the gift of forgiveness, these events are where they should be; in the past. It really was an amazing moment for me. I still experience hurt, and occasionally anger... but rather than past events being resurfaced during these times, my pain is always in response to the matter in hand, and is far easier to move beyond. This is the gift of forgiveness. I think sometimes people focus too much on what must given... I think this misses the mark somewhat. Yes, you must give forgiveness to this man that did those unspeakable things to your family... But by doing so, you are receiving a far greater gift... That is... The experience of peace. One can never be at peace if one is continuously haunted by the past. I have found that forgiveness is in part acceptance... Acceptance that is was not your fault, acceptance that these things already happened to you, accepting that you can't change them, and accepting that they are not happening now. You are alive, you are free from him, you are of intrinsic worth, and beauty... And are so loved. All of these things are happening right now. The pain is in the past, and you survived.

If terms of being a "failure as a Christian"... No indeed!! As has been said in this thread, God knows that we are not perfect... We are all individual works in progress, and are loved and cherished in our own right, detached from our successes and failures. Indeed, no one communicated this better than Jesus. When he chose his disciples, He didn't do it based on some sort of test... it was purely out of faith; 'After this he went out and saw a tax collector named Levi, sitting at the tax booth. And he said to him, “Follow me.” And leaving everything, he rose and followed him.' (Luke 5:27, 28 ESV). When rabbis of the day chose their students, they chose the best of the best of the best... One had to be academically superior... Exhibit an extraordinary level of self control... Be as near to "perfect" as they could be. This is not the way of Christ. Indeed, Christ chose His followers from the tradesmen... Those that had "failed" to be chosen to by the rabbi of their community... And yet there was Jesus, with open arms, saying "come follow me". No one is a failure in the eyes of Jesus. No one. We are all a work in progress, and He will accept every single one us, regardless of our perceived short fallings.

I hope what I have said makes sense... I have been very much going with my "gut instinct" when writing this. As I said, if you need to talk, please feel free to message me.