Feeling Awful. Now What?

[NoddaProbBob]

Well, it's no secret to me or to anyone around me that I suffer from depression. i've dabbled with a couple medications and I just kind of give up on them right now. I first tried Wellbutrin and it wasn't strong enough, then I switched to Zoloft and hated it. It made me tired, messed with my eye sight and I gained weight. So I stopped taking it. I just started the Wellbutrin again, so we'll see if that helps. But what I really wanted to talk about was how bad I feel just in general.
I don't know if this is the hopelessness aspect of depression or what it is, but I kind of feel like I've just hit this wall. Like, I don't know how else to describe it other than by saying I feel like this is the end.
I just think about how I feel right now and nothing has made it better. Not therapy, not meds, not talking about things, nothing. And when I think about how that's never going to end, I start to wonder what I'm doing anymore. And so I wonder why I'm even still alive anymore. I don't really know what to do anymore. And it's just a feeling of ultimate defeat. It leaves me asking "now what?" and I don't like the answer to that question. But at the same time, I feel like the only option is to just quit, stop existing. I am so overwhelmed and empty all at once. I was using self injury as a means of coping, but now I'm starting to feel like that's not even working. And because of that, I just feel like I've got no other options. Nothing is working anymore and I'm afraid that everything is just done and over, like I've lost.
Does anyone ever feel like this? Anyone have any advice?
Thank you

 

[GreatSpeckledBird]

I have had terrible struggles like you're talking about. I haven't self harmed but I have been severely tempted (tormented is what I call it and I firmly believe from dark spiritual entities) trying to get me to do something I'll certainly regret.

It all started first with a very painful life. My beginnings in life were awful with severe trauma and abuse in my childhood & 2 abusive marriages. My second husband isn't so abusive as he is neglectful. I don't want to talk bad about him but I'm just telling you sort of the situation so you can tell I have suffered and have a platform from which to speak to you and hope that you may hear me.

I want to share with you what I've been doing to fight this dark enemy. First I did take anti-depressants off and on throughout the last 10 years. The last time I got on them they really helped a lot( celexa) but it gave me heart problems. So I had to get off the celexa & start taking coQ10 & baby aspirin for my heart. I also started taking vitamins (when my stomach can handle them, i have irritable bowel syndrome as well) and St. Johns wort for days of severe emotional pain.

I also pray like crazy. I also cry out to God with EVERYTHING! So I had been suffering with suicidal thoughts for several years and resisting the temptation, broken by the time period I was on celexa but they quickly returned when I had to quit taking it. I learned I had some work to do. Spiritual work. I asked God to show me what was causing my torment, I loved HIm, why was I suffering this way?

This is what I've learned so far. 1/ I had this little thought planted in my head years ago that because life is only about suffering that if I ended it, there might not really be a God and it could just be lights out and the suffering would be over(lie of the devil and the sin of unbelief). 2/ fear of suffering, i knew I had suffered my entire life & if I continued to live it would only be more suffering. My life had become like a tender sore that any negative pain caused immense suffering because I am spiritually wounded. I had to recognize fear & the unbelief AS SIN. I HAD TO CONFESS the fear of living & believing the lie of the devil TO GOD & ask HIm for the grace to forgive me and remove it from me, only grace can deliver me from this temptation.

Now these two things seem to be helping me somewhat. Not that I'm not still suffering but today I'm fighting back and before I was just being tempted beyond measure to end it all. I took a little road trip this week and in a little town I saw a billboard that said "Jesus did not tap out. Jesus loves you". You know my soul thrilled to that billboard. I took it as God speaking directly to me. "Cling to that" I said to myself, "Jesus did not tap out and I'm not going to tap out either by the grace of God!". Take away our fear of pain Lord and give us good courage! Even if we have to suffer severely every day for the rest of our lives, give us Your glorious grace to be strong and face each day, one day at a time. AH YES! ONe day at a time. That's the only day I have to live is today. If I'm in pain, run to Jesus and tell Him all about it. Pray, pray, pray.

May you find the grace to start overcoming this terrible torment and find the courage to run the race until the end. Don't tap out. Others are suffering as you are. Let's find the courage to face life, even if pain filled, until it's our time to go home according to Jesus, as we are not our own, we are bought with a price.

God bless
p.s. I LOVE RICH MULLINS! I live on the great plains & am 1/8th cherokee so He was really special to me

 

[LottyH]

GreatSpeckledBird your words are so wise and encouraging!

NoddaProbBob please don't give up!! At my lowest point, I read somewhere that 'when you get to the end of yourself, you get to the beginning of God'. And I really felt at the end of myself -feeling numb and dead inside and without any strength to do anything. Although it seemed all hope was lost, I did eventually change and get better.

I've been thinking a lot lately about how Jesus said 'If you lose your life you will find it, if you gain your life you will lose it' and 'unless a kernel of wheat dies, it remains a single seed but if it dies it bears fruit.' I wonder if this relates to people who go through depression as it would bring great hope knowing that God can use adversity and that things can get better. Praying for you my dear sister!

 

[NoddaProbBob]

Thank you to both of you. Lotty is right, your words were very wise and encouraging Speckle. I think you made some very valid points, and I want to thank you for sharing some of your story with me. I was physically, sexually, and emotionally abused for most of my life by my older brother. I'm 23 now and just this past year I disclosed this abuse and had little to no support whatsoever from my parents. It has been a gut wrenching year to say the least.
I couldn't really pinpoint what it was that I wanted to say with that first post as I was feeling very emotional and my feelings and thoughts were coming out very choppy. But what you said about suffering resonates with me deeply. I am so tired of suffering. Tired of realizing that this is my life and I can't change what happened to me. Like you said, I'm emotionally sore, and anything that happens is like touching that spot. It's awful. All the time. And I just want to stop. Slow down and just, I don't know. Stop suffering. Like you said, I sometimes feel like just "tapping out" would stop the suffering. I need some peace. I need some end to this craziness.
I too have wished that I could just be taken away. I have always believed in God and I remember nights just begging and crying, pleading with God to just take me home to be with Him.
I just feel like now I'm at a crossroads and I don't like my options. I feel like I lose no matter what I do. That's the way it's always been.

I'm always glad to find a fellow Rich Mullins fan! I too am Cherokee so I feel some connection there as well!

 

[NoddaProbBob]

GreatSpeckledBird your words are so wise and encouraging!

NoddaProbBob please don't give up!! At my lowest point, I read somewhere that 'when you get to the end of yourself, you get to the beginning of God'. And I really felt at the end of myself -feeling numb and dead inside and without any strength to do anything. Although it seemed all hope was lost, I did eventually change and get better.

I've been thinking a lot lately about how Jesus said 'If you lose your life you will find it, if you gain your life you will lose it' and 'unless a kernel of wheat dies, it remains a single seed but if it dies it bears fruit.' I wonder if this relates to people who go through depression as it would bring great hope knowing that God can use adversity and that things can get better. Praying for you my dear sister!

Thank you for that quote. I really think it speaks volumes to where I'm at right now emotionally in my life. I'm just tired of this. Depression is a thief no doubt.

 

[LottyH]

Thank you to both of you. Lotty is right, your words were very wise and encouraging Speckle. I think you made some very valid points, and I want to thank you for sharing some of your story with me. I was physically, sexually, and emotionally abused for most of my life by my older brother. I'm 23 now and just this past year I disclosed this abuse and had little to no support whatsoever from my parents. It has been a gut wrenching year to say the least.
I couldn't really pinpoint what it was that I wanted to say with that first post as I was feeling very emotional and my feelings and thoughts were coming out very choppy. But what you said about suffering resonates with me deeply. I am so tired of suffering. Tired of realizing that this is my life and I can't change what happened to me. Like you said, I'm emotionally sore, and anything that happens is like touching that spot. It's awful. All the time. And I just want to stop. Slow down and just, I don't know. Stop suffering. Like you said, I sometimes feel like just "tapping out" would stop the suffering. I need some peace. I need some end to this craziness.
I too have wished that I could just be taken away. I have always believed in God and I remember nights just begging and crying, pleading with God to just take me home to be with Him.
I just feel like now I'm at a crossroads and I don't like my options. I feel like I lose no matter what I do. That's the way it's always been.

I'm always glad to find a fellow Rich Mullins fan! I too am Cherokee so I feel some connection there as well!

That just cuts me to the core, it makes me so angry and upset when people are abused and left to pick up the pieces when they have done nothing wrong. I'll say it again - you have done nothing wrong Nodda. And you deserve all the love, support and nurturing care imaginable. Praying for you

I pray to you Father, for complete healing for Nodda, healing in this beautiful girl's life. That you will wrap your nurturing, healing arms around her, melting away her past, and give her a brand new beginning with fresh hope.

I pray Father that you would bring people into Nodda's life that will be a support to her, so she knows that people care and that she is not alone. I pray that you will give her strength to live one day at a time, growing in your love, like a dead seed that eventually sprouts, grows and blossoms into a beautiful, glorious flower. Look after Nodda, Father, take care of her and protect her. I pray this is the mighty name of our saviour Jesus Christ, Amen.

 

[GreatSpeckledBird]

Oh I've begged Him countless times to take me home. I didn't think there was any hope for me to ever enjoy life at all but I'm now fighting back which I had just succumbed to the pain before. Today I'm trying to accept that the pain is there but maybe I can find some sort of joy & purpose in life if I look for it. By total reliance on God's grace, I'll get up and ask Him for the grace to endure this day & when I retire, I'll thank Him for giving me the grace for that day. Maybe by this I can endure until my proper time to depart this life.

I'm going to try to avoid the things that cause me despair and reach for those little things that make me smile, maybe by so doing I can begin to heal. May we both find peace by trusting in God completely in all things TODAY!

God bless

 

[Criada]

(((Nodda)))
I'm sorry you're in that place, sister - it is so painful. There's some great advice in this thread - try to hang on to that, and to the fact that God does have a plan, somehow.

I was abused sexually, physically and emotionallythroughout my childhood and teen years, and I have come to that place of despair many times. But, about 6 years ago I got a phone call from someone I barely know, offering me a teaching job at a unit for teens with psychiatric problems. Many of the kids I work with have been abused, and a lot of them feel that no-one can understand or help them to deal with their pain. The fact that I've been there means that I can often support them and understand them... and that has made a difference, however small, to a lot of young people.
I can't say that I'm glad I went through what I did - but I am very glad that God is using that horrific experience for good. He does have a plan - and you will see it one day

You are in my prayers, precious sister, and my PM box is always open if you need a listening ear.

 

[NoddaProbBob]

That just cuts me to the core, it makes me so angry and upset when people are abused and left to pick up the pieces when they have done nothing wrong. I'll say it again - you have done nothing wrong Nodda. And you deserve all the love, support and nurturing care imaginable. Praying for you

I pray to you Father, for complete healing for Nodda, healing in this beautiful girl's life. That you will wrap your nurturing, healing arms around her, melting away her past, and give her a brand new beginning with fresh hope.

I pray Father that you would bring people into Nodda's life that will be a support to her, so she knows that people care and that she is not alone. I pray that you will give her strength to live one day at a time, growing in your love, like a dead seed that eventually sprouts, grows and blossoms into a beautiful, glorious flower. Look after Nodda, Father, take care of her and protect her. I pray this is the mighty name of our saviour Jesus Christ, Amen.

Thank you for this beautiful prayer. It really means a lot to me.
And yes, the abuse has left me feeling very stripped raw. To further pour salt in the wound, it hurts worse to deal with alone. I just don't see a way out of this darkness that has taken me over. And I'm just tired. So tired.

 

[NoddaProbBob]

Oh I've begged Him countless times to take me home. I didn't think there was any hope for me to ever enjoy life at all but I'm now fighting back which I had just succumbed to the pain before. Today I'm trying to accept that the pain is there but maybe I can find some sort of joy & purpose in life if I look for it. By total reliance on God's grace, I'll get up and ask Him for the grace to endure this day & when I retire, I'll thank Him for giving me the grace for that day. Maybe by this I can endure until my proper time to depart this life.

I'm going to try to avoid the things that cause me despair and reach for those little things that make me smile, maybe by so doing I can begin to heal. May we both find peace by trusting in God completely in all things TODAY!

God bless

It gives me a bit of hope to hear that you're in a better place. But where does that strength to fight back come from? I feel like everytime I fight back, something bigger and even more emotionally painful comes back to knock me down. And the fall seems further each time. Maybe I just don't have it in me anymore. This has been an awful year. It has felt longer than any year is supposed to feel like.

 

[NoddaProbBob]

(((Nodda)))
I'm sorry you're in that place, sister - it is so painful. There's some great advice in this thread - try to hang on to that, and to the fact that God does have a plan, somehow.

I was abused sexually, physically and emotionallythroughout my childhood and teen years, and I have come to that place of despair many times. But, about 6 years ago I got a phone call from someone I barely know, offering me a teaching job at a unit for teens with psychiatric problems. Many of the kids I work with have been abused, and a lot of them feel that no-one can understand or help them to deal with their pain. The fact that I've been there means that I can often support them and understand them... and that has made a difference, however small, to a lot of young people.
I can't say that I'm glad I went through what I did - but I am very glad that God is using that horrific experience for good. He does have a plan - and you will see it one day

You are in my prayers, precious sister, and my PM box is always open if you need a listening ear.

Thank you for sharing part of your story Criada as well as for the listening ear. I am hopeful to do the same thing with my experiences. I was hoping to continue onto graduate school and work towards a counseling degree of some sort. I truly believe that I cannot do anything for myself in regards to the past abuse. The only thing I can do is use it, and that's what I was aiming for as you have done.
You have made more than a small difference I'm sure!

 

[LottyH]

Thank you for this beautiful prayer. It really means a lot to me.
And yes, the abuse has left me feeling very stripped raw. To further pour salt in the wound, it hurts worse to deal with alone. I just don't see a way out of this darkness that has taken me over. And I'm just tired. So tired.

Just wanted to give you a huge hug and to let you know that although we are at opposite ends of the world I care so much about you! And there are others here on CF that care so much too and understand what you are going through. I pray that God will give you the strength to endure through this process of healing and that he will give you a future full of hope and lightness

 

[GreatSpeckledBird]

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Nodda I dont understand what that person was saying at all, but just ignore it. I think it was supposed to be helpful but it was just confusing. I doubt they meant harm. Isnt that LottyH something special? I'm thanking God for her and Criada and all these amazing people on this board. Finding this forum may have very well saved my life. I'm sooo glad you're here too

God bless

 

[Criada]

How are you doing, sweetie?
Still praying for you