OH, GOD BLESS YOU ALL! I am feeling SO MUCH BETTER! I can't WAIT for Christ to return for me! I do somewhat remember what it was like with Him. I loved him SO much and I STILL DO! He has NOT given up on me...if anything, I've given up on Him...either way, He WILL sow me back together until we finally do meet. I LOVE each and everyone of you out there!
At the same time here guys, I'm still very much afraid. I don't know what to expect for the future. I no longer have college as a real option right now. I'm scared and afraid of what is going to happen to me. Right now, I'm secure where I'm at I guess. I live with my dad here in Tennessee. I like it here... But...I'm anxious about the future. When I do finally meet God, I can't wait! I know He'll be waiting for me...patiently. I really don't know if I'm going to make it. I know the Lord never puts more on me than I can handle and that I must look at other people and the world with a LOVING heart. It was so difficult before. I "put up" with so much from others...lol Looking back, it wasn't a big deal, but...as I got closer, and closer to God, it got more and more difficult. Before, it was just random stuff that happened to upset me...then, it really became "personal" to me! I just wanted to be an individual. I was too firm in my ground and who I "thought" I was... When in HS, I identified myself as "gay." If feel into it...that became my identity and I became obessed with keeping it. I didn't want to let go of it. I believe God has inevitably taken me down this path because I wouldn't let go of that "lifestyle." I only wish now I could go back and tell that young man a thing or two about "real life." It's as if I'm now WIDE AWAKE with no support or comfort. What do I really want out of life? I want to be able to sleep again...I just want to be able to lie my head down and fall asleep again to a nice dream. I can remember some dreams I had before...when I was little, I can remember the dreams being scary, but, by the time I entered HS, my dreams were great! lol I made it that far...lol Now, I look back, and I wonder what is going to happen again when I do wake up from my dreams... Where will I be? I don't care anymore about monetary things...I just want to meet God. I've heard of people doing this...does it ever end? Do we ever become COMPLETE with God? Or is this a non-ending process? I was so commited before and I still am... :*( I know this is all about expression of self...expression of God...but... I feel myself being pulled back down inside myself again...back into what one might call "hell." Everyday I experience more and more, but it gets easier... How long does this take? Really... I'm tired of it, but I refuse to end my own life. I will NOT do it. My life is the property of God.
Anyways, I'm now 20 years old. That's old! I'm afraid of losing my looks. But, then again, in Heaven God says that we'll have a "new body." I never had a great body...I always thought I was "good-looking" until one day I woke up spirituallly and admitted to another human being that I was "ugly." I knew then that I was truely ugly...I knew that for sure. I know I'm still ugly but I know God will "work it out" inside of me. I just have to keep going and I'll have to support myself and continue to go to my real source of strength...the church, and ultimately, God. It's like I'm learning how to love all over again.
I know it's all worth it in the end, and I would never give it up. I just hate this sinking feeling...again. I'm "sinking" down into Him again. Where will this path take me? I don't want to go down it, but I will...willingly. And then, I'll "come out" on top once again. In the process, things will get easier. I'm still depressed, but I don't care...I'll be depressed, I'll go without sleep until God finally chooses to wake me up. At times, I feel like screaming, but I can't. It's as if my soul is screaming...inside...I do not like it. But, this is an inside out process.
I can't wait for that warm inside feeling to return again! And, I can't wait for God to return so I can receive my "new" body. I know this body will get old... It will fade...it will begin to crumble... But, I will survive through it. I don't know how, but I will... OH, I was always a nice looking person. I do not want it to disappear, but if you're not good looking on the inside, then you'll never be "good looking" on the outside. I know, this is so...self-centered.
Well guys, that's all I can handle for now... I'm looking into getting a job that will keep me busy and keep my mind off of things so I can get "caught up" again with Him. Because once you do fall into His palm, it's difficult to..deny His Spirit. I can't wait again to be "grafted" back into the world. I won't come out looking the same though. I'm absolutely miserable about that though. It's what's on the inside that really does count though. I could just keep going and going on. I often have relapses inside my "mind." Relapses back to old memories...memories that often hurt. I hurt...lol I know, that's TOO cute...lol I don't want to be cute anymore, but I DO NOT want to do this...I don't want the world to send me to jail...lol That's terrible too there... That's what school seemed like at times too...seemed like a jail at times. It just feels like I'm doing this all over again and I'm tired of it! I really really am. I keep sinking deeper and deeper into Him... But, you know what? I don't care. How long does it take? Really? ***...now I get it...oh my... What have I done? Seriously? I've wasted so much time and effort...I've wasted my love. Jesus said that if you deny the Holy Spirit and fall away, then it would have been better if you had put a "millstone" around your neck and thrown into the ocean... I don't want it to be like that guys.
I'm happy and sad at the same time...lol It's going to take a while before these "feelings" begin to separate...before the...ocean within me departs...
I know there's only One Way, but I'm afraid to look at it like that...I really am people...
And the "problems" we create for ourself to just get there...are...abounding and horrendous at times. I guess you just have to stay committed to it... Oh... The memories are beginning to surface. I feel as if I'm being shaken apart...slowly. I now can see why this was so difficult before and why I did deny Jesus. I did it because I was so tired of it, but I didn't realizze that this was the ONLY way to begin with. I just...became so tired of it. However, in the end, perhaps I will find God and everything will work itself out.
That's all I can do for 2nite...thank you for reading this if you've made it this far...lol Goodnight everyone.
At the same time here guys, I'm still very much afraid. I don't know what to expect for the future. I no longer have college as a real option right now. I'm scared and afraid of what is going to happen to me. Right now, I'm secure where I'm at I guess. I live with my dad here in Tennessee. I like it here... But...I'm anxious about the future. When I do finally meet God, I can't wait! I know He'll be waiting for me...patiently. I really don't know if I'm going to make it. I know the Lord never puts more on me than I can handle and that I must look at other people and the world with a LOVING heart. It was so difficult before. I "put up" with so much from others...lol Looking back, it wasn't a big deal, but...as I got closer, and closer to God, it got more and more difficult. Before, it was just random stuff that happened to upset me...then, it really became "personal" to me! I just wanted to be an individual. I was too firm in my ground and who I "thought" I was... When in HS, I identified myself as "gay." If feel into it...that became my identity and I became obessed with keeping it. I didn't want to let go of it. I believe God has inevitably taken me down this path because I wouldn't let go of that "lifestyle." I only wish now I could go back and tell that young man a thing or two about "real life." It's as if I'm now WIDE AWAKE with no support or comfort. What do I really want out of life? I want to be able to sleep again...I just want to be able to lie my head down and fall asleep again to a nice dream. I can remember some dreams I had before...when I was little, I can remember the dreams being scary, but, by the time I entered HS, my dreams were great! lol I made it that far...lol Now, I look back, and I wonder what is going to happen again when I do wake up from my dreams... Where will I be? I don't care anymore about monetary things...I just want to meet God. I've heard of people doing this...does it ever end? Do we ever become COMPLETE with God? Or is this a non-ending process? I was so commited before and I still am... :*( I know this is all about expression of self...expression of God...but... I feel myself being pulled back down inside myself again...back into what one might call "hell." Everyday I experience more and more, but it gets easier... How long does this take? Really... I'm tired of it, but I refuse to end my own life. I will NOT do it. My life is the property of God.
Anyways, I'm now 20 years old. That's old! I'm afraid of losing my looks. But, then again, in Heaven God says that we'll have a "new body." I never had a great body...I always thought I was "good-looking" until one day I woke up spirituallly and admitted to another human being that I was "ugly." I knew then that I was truely ugly...I knew that for sure. I know I'm still ugly but I know God will "work it out" inside of me. I just have to keep going and I'll have to support myself and continue to go to my real source of strength...the church, and ultimately, God. It's like I'm learning how to love all over again.
I know it's all worth it in the end, and I would never give it up. I just hate this sinking feeling...again. I'm "sinking" down into Him again. Where will this path take me? I don't want to go down it, but I will...willingly. And then, I'll "come out" on top once again. In the process, things will get easier. I'm still depressed, but I don't care...I'll be depressed, I'll go without sleep until God finally chooses to wake me up. At times, I feel like screaming, but I can't. It's as if my soul is screaming...inside...I do not like it. But, this is an inside out process.I can't wait for that warm inside feeling to return again! And, I can't wait for God to return so I can receive my "new" body. I know this body will get old... It will fade...it will begin to crumble... But, I will survive through it. I don't know how, but I will... OH, I was always a nice looking person. I do not want it to disappear, but if you're not good looking on the inside, then you'll never be "good looking" on the outside. I know, this is so...self-centered.
Well guys, that's all I can handle for now... I'm looking into getting a job that will keep me busy and keep my mind off of things so I can get "caught up" again with Him. Because once you do fall into His palm, it's difficult to..deny His Spirit. I can't wait again to be "grafted" back into the world. I won't come out looking the same though.
I'm absolutely miserable about that though. It's what's on the inside that really does count though. I could just keep going and going on. I often have relapses inside my "mind." Relapses back to old memories...memories that often hurt. I hurt...lol I know, that's TOO cute...lol I don't want to be cute anymore, but I DO NOT want to do this...I don't want the world to send me to jail...lol That's terrible too there... That's what school seemed like at times too...seemed like a jail at times. It just feels like I'm doing this all over again and I'm tired of it! I really really am. I keep sinking deeper and deeper into Him... But, you know what? I don't care. How long does it take? Really? ***...now I get it...oh my... What have I done? Seriously? I've wasted so much time and effort...I've wasted my love. Jesus said that if you deny the Holy Spirit and fall away, then it would have been better if you had put a "millstone" around your neck and thrown into the ocean... I don't want it to be like that guys.I'm happy and sad at the same time...lol It's going to take a while before these "feelings" begin to separate...before the...ocean within me departs...
I know there's only One Way, but I'm afraid to look at it like that...I really am people...
And the "problems" we create for ourself to just get there...are...abounding and horrendous at times. I guess you just have to stay committed to it... Oh... The memories are beginning to surface. I feel as if I'm being shaken apart...slowly. I now can see why this was so difficult before and why I did deny Jesus. I did it because I was so tired of it, but I didn't realizze that this was the ONLY way to begin with. I just...became so tired of it. However, in the end, perhaps I will find God and everything will work itself out.
That's all I can do for 2nite...thank you for reading this if you've made it this far...lol Goodnight everyone.
