Feeling a bit schizo ... can you help?

[Jenster]

Hi everyone,

I've been feeling like a runaway kite lately, so thought I'd turn to this board for some grounding. I hope someone can understand and advise me. I've really appreciated the wisdom that everyone's kindly shared with me before.

All my life, I've chosen to be practical and reasonable. Go to school, work, contribute at church, be responsible. Part of that stems from my family culture; they frowned on anyone getting 'too big for their britches,' so to speak. Part of that probably also comes from my own lack of direction and tendency to play things safe.

But I've also always had this passion/desire inside me to live an 'epic' life. I love tales of heroism, greatness & sacrifice, beauty & drama. I adore movies where good triumphs over evil. I love the idea of a "larger-than-life" life. I respond powerfully not just to movies but music too -- to the "human experience," if you will.

I've tried to appease these desires over the years (decades, really), dabbling in music and drama. But lately, I've been feeling as though I need to change my life more significantly, or come up with some life goals other than being stable. One thing I've tried to do is connect more with people, and that's been good. More life-giving.

I guess, in a way, I'm afraid that living my life will always feel like "not enough," as it feels now. I'm afraid to live a visionless life, but at the same time, I'm worried that my desire for a vision will take me away from God or lead me to just chase after silly things or fantasies. What if, for example, I tried to write a movie screenplay -- how do I know that's not just taking me away from "real" things of greater importance in this world and to God?

OTOH, I don't seem to have a vision for continuing to serve on church committees or do sidewalk evangelism or host home ministries. Although I do believe in the ongoing importance of friendship evangelism.

I'm hoping someone who reads this can understand what I'm trying to say. I'm really spinning my wheels here. Thanks for listening.

 

[HumbleBee]

What about joining a travelling Christian drama group? You'd be glorifying God, evangelizing, AND fulfilling your larger than life dreams!

 

[firecracker]

Ain't that the worst feeling ever?! You're all fired-up and wanting to take the world, and bump, nothing comes of it... as the years roll by it becomes more of a drag and eventually you start to consider looking elsewhere for your meaning and purpose. Here's what I've learned. That "larger than life feeling" - God doesn't want it or need it, its something He wants to take away from you, so that He can get down to the real stuff He can use - remember, we are the jars of clay holding His incredible gift. Its bad news I know, again trying to compare your life with the big movies - they are fiction, everyone else on the planet lives a regular life - some live lives that make us weep and ashamed of society - and thats where Jesus came in - to the poor, the lost, the frightened and downtrodden. The world spins a yarn of how it should be, and even as Christians we compare our lives to that fictional vision, and are then disappointed that God hasn't done for His kids what satan does for his!!!

Be encouraged, God wants you to have a purpose, a vision and a life of excellence, but the key to finding that place is in humility, stripping away of pretence and self, its a wee bit painful, and seems to take years rather than months! So, hang in there! And when you done hanging, hang some more!

Imagine Moses standing at the Red Sea, all that grief in Egypt, all that death and threats, the Egytian army chasing them... "Oh God, I don't believe this - are you serious??! You brought us all this way to be drowned!! " And in the darkest hour God sprung up with "Nope, have a miracle!" So, hang in there, keep the faith and don't let satan whisper in your ear about how much fun you could be having somewhere else!

 

[KidDitto]

Love the replies


You are tapped into something huge. Each time you lead someone to Christ you change the path they were on to a wonderful path to heaven.

If you feel like you want to so more than perhaps you need to ask God if you have a calling. If you feel you do then maybe you should be the drama/musical director at a church.

I have been to incredible plays that were life changing at churches. This will give you an outlet and still be in service to God.

 

[bliz]

It has been my experience in life that people will often become restless and disatisified with their lives when God will soon make a change in things. Of course, one can only see that in hindsight... but I have seen the pattern in my own life and the lives of others.

Making us uncomfortable with the current situation makes it easier for us to make a trnasition. Being on the lookout for the next task makes it easier for us to spot it.

Stay in prayer. Tell God exactly what you are thinking and feelings about the church work you have currently been doing. He already knows what's in your heart, and He wants you to talk it over with Him.

God has designed and gifted us all differently. Your desire for the grand passions, for an epic life, are an integral part of who you are. I have no idea how God will make use of that, but I know that He will. He wants to give us the desires of our hearts. I believe that He will because I also believe He has given us those deep desires.

There will be a place for you that will benifit from your appreciation of those things. It may be within the church. It may also be outside of the church. God needs Kingdom builders and witnesses for Him everywhere. It does not seem at all unreasonable that God would give you the talent and gifts to write a great screenplay. Think of all the people you would come to know who may have never heard of the Gospel of Christ! Think what you could do for the Kingdom with the money you can make selling a good script! Who knows if that will happen for you, but it seems quite appropriate that God would call one of His children to work with Hollywood, or Broadway, or the community theatre group. After all, we're talking about a God who has sent His children to live in caves and be fed by birds, to reside in the haarem of a King, to buy back a wife in the market place, to interpert dreams in prison as a prisoner...

Keep you eye on Him

Pray that God wil lead you and direct you.

 

[Jenster]

Hi HumbleBee, firecracker, KidDitto, Bliz,

I'm really touched by your replies, and deeply humbled. Thank you. Perhaps I'm not as crazy as I've been feeling.

Bliz, your reminders that our Lord has always used His children in unique ways and for His kingdom leave me a bit awestruck -- all in all, a good place to be when faced with the God of wonders.

On the balance of that, firecracker, I do appreciate your understanding of where I'm at. I don't want to chase after something in an endless quest for worldly satisfaction -- an oxymoron if there ever was one! And you're right: the movies are not life (ever seen a character scrub the bathtub in a film?).

HumbleBee and KidDitto, thank you for the encouragement. I'll try to keep my eye on His hand, to see what door might open up next.

I so appreciate you all taking the time to reply. I feel better now -- not so much 'schizo' as eager to see what God might do.

Love in Christ,

Jen

 

[Ninjitsu14]

You are living a life from a lyric of a country song."Live like you were Dyin'"follow your dreams.If you have a gut feeling,its usually right.God sometimes gives those feelings like your sick to make you feel somethings wrong,or the could be a weightless stomach,light on air because something good happened.I don't know if that was helpful,most likely no,but whatever .

 

[Jenster]

Thanks, Shadow1230. I do feel like I'm in a foggy zone of life, not quite dying, but not quite living either. I appreciate your advice to follow my instincts on this. It's really nice to have your encouragement. I do trust that God's doing something with me. I'll try to stay near Him so He can show me what it is.

 

[Kalewen]

Well, God gives us dreams and gifts, and He wants us to use them for His glory. I have a dream too, but I am waiting. Our state overseer did a sermon on this very thing. There are several steps:

1) God gives you a dream
2) You have to make a decision whether to follow the dream or not
3) Then there will almost always be a delay until the fulfilment of the dream
4) Then there are, without fail, difficulties
5) Then the step comes where you are at a dead end...it would take a miracle to get you out
6) People at the dead end stage should be the happiest, because the next stage is deliverance, and God will show something about Himself to you that you never knew.

However, that dream God has implanted in your heart might take a while...remember Joseph: if God had allowed him to become second only to Pharoh at the time he had the dream of doing so, he probably would not do as well as after he learned to lean on God and trust God. However, the dream can sometimes be a passion. Do not lose hope. I'll be praying for you!

 

[Jenster]

Thanks, Kalewen -- you're so kind to pray for me! That's some helpful info from the sermon you heard. It gives me some perspective, and if God IS leading me to explore a new area, I can be confident that He will have the path laid out. In a way, I have to ask myself if this is a path I am interested to take. If I say "no," then maybe my passion is not all that great afterall, and I'm just being wistful over something else.

BTW, I re-read my original post, and wanted to clarify that I don't sense God leading me to do epic things -- jump out of planes or trek the Amazon and reach unreached natives. But there's something about a life devoted to great aspirations and great love that I am drawn to. Perhaps this is a call to live out my values with more passion. We shall see!!

Thank you again.