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Feel lost after husband's vasectomy

Discussion in 'Parenting' started by seekingcontentment, Mar 2, 2011.

  1. seekingcontentment

    seekingcontentment Newbie

    I had no idea where to go about this, but somehow I got to this forum and signed up specifically to post this question! After two pregnancies that resulted in early (due to preclampsia) but beautifully healthy babies, we got scared. Mostly my husband got scared that we would have a sick baby or that he would loose me. So, he got a vasectomy. That was 2 years ago. I have felt lost ever since then. Actually, we were both over excited one month after the procedure when we thought we were pregnant, but it was a false positive. Now he is firmly happy with our little family, but I still feel lost! I want another baby so badly, I think about it every day, even on the hard days when my kids are not on their best behavior, I feel so lucky and blessed to even have them! He jokes about the fact that I have looked into a reversal, but we could never afford one. He thinks we could never afford another kid but I always say you make it work, right? We are middle class, struggle some months, but mostly are financially stable. Anyways, the worst part about all of this, and I really hope I'm not stepping on any toes by posting this because I truly need some guidance. So the worst part is that I literally have no sex drive now. I NEVER feel like being really intimate with my husband. The thought goes through my head "Nothing is going to come of it" and that totally ruins any mood I might have. I have prayed, I have cried, I have tried to talk to my husband but he just says we can't afford it so it isn't an option. I have this longing, this feeling like I should have had another baby. I feel like we took it into our own hands. I couldn't be on medical birth control before anyways, and our babies were very planned, so I feel even more horrible that we did this out of "convenience". It amazes me that the vasectomy cost only $50, but a reversal would cost in the thousands. But then, an adoption would be even more! Yikes! I am so all over the place here, sorry, but I am reallyjust looking for some advice and guidance. i love my two beautiful children, but want more!
  2. katautumn

    katautumn Wandering, not lost.

    Other Religion
    Hi, Seeking. This may be cold comfort, but does it make things any better to know you do have two beautiful children with your husband? My husband had a vasectomy when we were dating, so I'll never have children with him. We both have children from previous relationships. His son is a teenager and my son will be nine in August. I didn't realize how much I'd want another child until I hit about twenty-seven. I've had my tears. I've yelled at my husband. I've screamed at him about how I hate his vasectomy. I've mentioned reversal, adoption, even artificial insemination. His response? He's "too old" to have another child. He's happy with what we have. He would have loved to have had a child with me, if only he were younger.

    I too dealt with the whole, "what's the point?" mentality in regards to sex. In the end I realized that it wasn't that I just wanted a baby. I wanted a baby with him, but he couldn't give me that, so I had to make a decision - did I leave and try and find any old man to marry and have a child with, or could I be content with the son and step-son I've been blessed enough to have? I realized that the one up-side to the vasectomy is that we could at least be spontaneous and carefree when it came to intimacy. No fooling with condoms or pills or anything of the sort.

    At the end of the day you have to really examine your heart. What are your motives for wanting another child? How would you feel if your husband had the reversal and it didn't take or, even worse, it rendered him permanently impotent? Is the desire to have another child stronger than your love for your husband? These are all questions you have to ask yourself.
  3. illudium_phosdex

    illudium_phosdex Insert witty title here.

    I've also gone through something similar. I had problems with both my pregnancies at the end; placenta previa and premature delivery with the first and then toxemia poisoning and a brow presentation with the second. It was strongly recommended by my OB that I not have any more children. And then my husband made it abundantly clear that he didn't want any more anyway. So I had a tubal ligation. I cried all the way to the OR.

    Even knowing that there could be more problems even life threatening ones didn't really help because I really wanted two more children. I even had the names picked out. Like you and KatAutumn, I went through the same issues with intimacy and thinking it was pointless. Knowing we could never afford a reversal, I even went through a stage where I was doing these abdominal massages that supposedly had a chance of making my tubes fuse back together.

    On Tuesday of next week, it'll be nine years since I've had my surgery and there are still a few days here and there when it's hard. But as the years go by, it does get easier and I'm so thankful that I have the two I have and they are so wonderful. So I guess that's all I have to offer that hopefully, like me, it will get easier for you too.
  4. Spock49

    Spock49 Guest

    First of all, I want you to know that I understand what you are going through. My husband had a vasectomy 13 years ago after the birth of our 3 child. My 3rd pregnancy came with many obstacles and it was hard, but I did carry to term. At first we had decided that we didn't want to close the door to having more children, but there was family that convinced my hubby that I would DIE if we had another baby and he said he was "happy" with our little family. 5 1/2 years ago, I went to my husband and told him that I had regretted our choice to have a vasectomy and to my surprise, he had felt the same way too. This month marks the 5th anniversary of his vasectomy reversal.
    A reversal does not cause impotence. It is simply dealing with the repair of the vas deferens and has nothing to do with a man being able to function sexually. I just thought that I would clear that up for you and ease your mind there. I also want you to know that there are some insurance companies that will cover the cost of a vasectomy reversal. It just depends on the plan. If you have insurance, call them and ask them if you are covered for infertility and for how much. My husband's cost less than $7000. After we payed it out of pocket, we found out that it was covered on our insurance 2 years later. You may have to check and recheck with your insurance provider.
    Even though we haven't had a successful pregnancy, I am so glad that we had it reversed. The sooner you have it reversed,the greater chance for successful repair.
    You can always afford what you want in life. If you are concerned about future pregnancies... talk to your OB/GYN about future risks and what you need to do NOW to prepare for a healthy pregnancy. The more educated you are about all these things, the better you will be equipped to prepare for the future of your family.
    I hope for you to have peace as you walk through this in your marriage. God bless you.