Fear that nothing is real

[fealty77]

Ok, so it has been a while since I've been on these forums. My religious OCD is pretty much gone, Thank God, but here lately I have been going through some other stuff. My depression has come out strong. I keep feeling like life is worthless, there is no point and I just can't seem to find joy in anything anymore. I try to but I can't. I wish sometimes that God would just take me away (b/c suicide is something I wouldn't do). And i have been seeing a therapist about it. This comes and goes. But the biggest thing that I hate are these thoughts that everything is fake. I will think, "what if this life isn't real, or what if I am dead and all this is made up, or I am in a psycho ward or in a coma and making all this up?" And it just keeps going on and off like this. I get a bit anxious when it comes but it doesn't spike too high most times, I just can't stand the thoughts, they scare me! I have read about the whole depersonalization/derealization stuff but I don't think that is what it is. I don't feel detached or separated or zoned out or in a fog. I'm just scared that the thoughts might be true. The thought just hits and I wonder over it and it causes slight anxiety then I try to just let it go and it goes away for a while then comes back most days than not. Has anyone ever been through this? Did anything help. U try to do ERP and tell myself that I am crazy and it is all fake so I don't let the thoughts win, but that only seems to help for a while. Any suggestions would help. And it is nice to know others that are or have been through this also...helps me know I'm not alone and crazy. Thanks!

 

[OnAQuestForTruth]

Wow. Everything you just said is exactly what I am going through. I have perverse thoughts on life and why I am hear and what I am destined to do on a daily basis. I usually confide in the people in my life to lead me in the right direction. I begin thinking in negatives when I am alone and bored so I try my best so submerse myself in the company of people who make me laugh and love.

I usually find that when I get depressed or anxious it is because I am thinking inwardly. if I start to think outward and what I know I am, what I know I can do and how I can help others I feel more calm. I also tell myself that maybe, just maybe my feeling that nothing is real is my reality (catch the irony?). Listen to Joe Rogan, yes the UFC commentator, and what he says about life and reality.

Rogan says that we don't know anything is real, we don't know what time and space is, we have no idea what we are or where we are going, we just are and time just is, and there's nothing you can do to change that, you just have to let it be.

PM me if you want to talk further.

Until then. Best wishes and much love.

 

[fealty77]

I defintely agree about the thinking inwardly thing. I notice more now when I do it and try to keep myself busy. I also notice that the more I read the bible the better I feel and the more my life makes since, but I still have a long way to go b/c these thoughts get the better of me a lot here lately. I have been reading the book of Job and I just want to cry out to God like he does, even thought I am not going through the same exact things that he is. I just feel like life is not worth living, and the irony is that I just had 2 beautiful baby twin girls a year ago and I love them so much...but my mind go so far as to say, "can I ever find joy in them, or what is love, really, or is there even a such thing as love, how can we know, or is there really such a thing as right and wrong and how do we really know all this, etc, etc..." It gets annoying and causes anxiety of course.
I also want to thank you for the quote by Joe Rogan. I don't know why but ever since I read that about his view on reality I have not had anxious thoughts about it since. I guess I see others around me and think they have life worked out and all the answers and they live their lives so naturally and fun and easy, and it makes me feel like I am the only time bomb about to explode on the inside, and I also know that nobody really sees what is going on inside of me so I feel like they really don't understand my anguish, my anxieties and fears and just how far it really goes to the point of not wanting to live, even though I would never kill myself. I pray a lot that God would just go ahead and come on back for the rapture and let all this be over, but I know I am going through this for a reason. My therapist told me I need to try to get on an antidepressant, but I am just waiting on the new year b/c I will finally have insurance (it's been years since I've had insurance other than the year I was pregnant). So hopefully soon I will get some medicine to get this depression and anxiety better. I have a feeling that a lot of this has come on b/c of hormones and ppd. But I don't know for sure. I have had OCD/anxieties since almost 5 years ago b/c I had to have brain surger for a tumor, and all of a sudden OCD reared it's ugly head...never have I had it before, but I have never ever had depression or thoughts like these about wanting everything to end or not seeing a point in life or not being able to find joy and feeling worthless and everything seems pointless, blah, blah, blah.Thank you for your reply. I do feel better that I am not alone.

 

[dabro]

Yes it's called EOCD I got tangle into thinking I was at God Judgment and left me really scared but, I undewrstand what your going thru. It sounds like your OCD switched theme's

 

[fealty77]

What does EOCD stand for?

 

[dabro]

existinal OCD

 

[OnAQuestForTruth]

I defintely agree about the thinking inwardly thing. I notice more now when I do it and try to keep myself busy. I also notice that the more I read the bible the better I feel and the more my life makes since, but I still have a long way to go b/c these thoughts get the better of me a lot here lately. I have been reading the book of Job and I just want to cry out to God like he does, even thought I am not going through the same exact things that he is. I just feel like life is not worth living, and the irony is that I just had 2 beautiful baby twin girls a year ago and I love them so much...but my mind go so far as to say, "can I ever find joy in them, or what is love, really, or is there even a such thing as love, how can we know, or is there really such a thing as right and wrong and how do we really know all this, etc, etc..." It gets annoying and causes anxiety of course.
I also want to thank you for the quote by Joe Rogan. I don't know why but ever since I read that about his view on reality I have not had anxious thoughts about it since. I guess I see others around me and think they have life worked out and all the answers and they live their lives so naturally and fun and easy, and it makes me feel like I am the only time bomb about to explode on the inside, and I also know that nobody really sees what is going on inside of me so I feel like they really don't understand my anguish, my anxieties and fears and just how far it really goes to the point of not wanting to live, even though I would never kill myself. I pray a lot that God would just go ahead and come on back for the rapture and let all this be over, but I know I am going through this for a reason. My therapist told me I need to try to get on an antidepressant, but I am just waiting on the new year b/c I will finally have insurance (it's been years since I've had insurance other than the year I was pregnant). So hopefully soon I will get some medicine to get this depression and anxiety better. I have a feeling that a lot of this has come on b/c of hormones and ppd. But I don't know for sure. I have had OCD/anxieties since almost 5 years ago b/c I had to have brain surger for a tumor, and all of a sudden OCD reared it's ugly head...never have I had it before, but I have never ever had depression or thoughts like these about wanting everything to end or not seeing a point in life or not being able to find joy and feeling worthless and everything seems pointless, blah, blah, blah.Thank you for your reply. I do feel better that I am not alone.

You're most welcome. They say it is very common for women to go through prolonged depression shortly after bearing children, so that may help you also feel like you're not alone; those feelings are normal.

I am not doctor and I certainly wouldn't want to impose my will on you but antidepressants are something I would never take no matter how bad my thoughts got. I have seen what they have done to family members and friends. They just lead to worse thoughts, terrible side effects, and unfortunately irrational thoughts, and sometimes the execution, of suicide. I have done so much reading on pharmaceuticals and I feel compelled to at least give my two cents to people when they consider them. Plus pharmaceuticals are band-aids. They are not solving your problems, they are masking them. Unless you are on the brink of killing yourself and you need something that might work even if just a little bit, I would advise against it; placebo drugs have been found to work just as well as antidepressants.

I always refer back to Joe Rogan's look on life. We don't know anything and time just is. It is so humbling to think like this; it makes you feel like everything will work out and be okay.

Trust me when I tell you it gets better with hard work. I practice Yoga, I meditate, I read, I keep busy, and I make time to reflect on my thoughts and write them down to see my progress. I have been battling these irrational thoughts for a year and a half now and I am getting better with each passing week; although some days are worse than others. Point being - you can overcome this with will power and the desire to better yourself using your mind. Remember; this is all an illusion being caused by your brain; nothing more, nothing less. <3

 

[fealty77]

I am definitley iffy about medicines also. I actually had a few bad episodes with some seizure medication in the past, but I had to take it for seizures. I have taken Zoloft before, right after I had brain surgery, and it actually made me feel better, not worse. It made me feel normal again and took away almost all of the anxieties. But I also took Prozac not long ago and had to stop b/c it gave me bad headaches, but that was it. I think it just depends on the person and the medication. You have to find what is right for you. I am very cautious about medicines, even over the counter. I barely even like to take things for headaches. But I also think it is good like you said to include physical activity and staying busy into the mix. I'm pretty sure my OCD came about as a result of my brain surgery and the neurosurgeon said it could cause chemical imbalances with any surgery like that. I have been going through this off and on for almost 5 years, right after my surgery, but I never had anything like this before that. I finally found a therapist to see these last 5 months and he has helped a lot also. He only recently recommended medication b/c of the extreme depression I was going through. When it first came on I just kept thinking about how easy it would be to take that knife and kill myself or take those pills and end it all, even though I knew I wouldn't do it.