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Family difficulties
- Thread starter dms1972
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- Jan 16, 2019
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I’m sorry you’re overwhelmed and not getting the support you desire. This sounds like a lot to manage for someone your mother’s age. Have you considered a smaller place might be best? At 89 maintaining a house can be burdensome. We went through this with my grandmother.
If upkeep requires your sibling’s involvement you need to have a frank conversation. I’d also recommend addressing her care and the things they want to handle. Do they have families too?
If upkeep requires your sibling’s involvement you need to have a frank conversation. I’d also recommend addressing her care and the things they want to handle. Do they have families too?
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- Jan 16, 2019
- 22,413
- 18,940
- Country
- United States
- Gender
- Female
- Faith
- Non-Denom
- Marital Status
- In Relationship
Unfortunately this isn’t uncommon. I’ve witnessed people in their twenties caring for older parents with several siblings. They left the responsibility in their lap and made them carry the load.
In my experience the most equitable agreements occur when there’s a practice of working together and playing to your strengths. Viewing the situation through the lens of gifting can minimize upset.
If everyone tackles the areas they excel in and divvy up the rest there’s mutual give and take. But if every task is unpleasant it’s hard to keep the peace.
I think you should speak to your siblings about the house. You can’t commit them to work they haven’t agreed to. If you want financial support keep in mind that’s a form of service. Don’t fall into the trap of equating heavy lifting with real work and support as the easy out.
The key in all of this is agreement. Making decisions together instead of alone brings everyone on board. Start discussing things. Not giving orders. Seek their input. When you act unilaterally you place the burden on yourself.
In my experience the most equitable agreements occur when there’s a practice of working together and playing to your strengths. Viewing the situation through the lens of gifting can minimize upset.
If everyone tackles the areas they excel in and divvy up the rest there’s mutual give and take. But if every task is unpleasant it’s hard to keep the peace.
I think you should speak to your siblings about the house. You can’t commit them to work they haven’t agreed to. If you want financial support keep in mind that’s a form of service. Don’t fall into the trap of equating heavy lifting with real work and support as the easy out.
The key in all of this is agreement. Making decisions together instead of alone brings everyone on board. Start discussing things. Not giving orders. Seek their input. When you act unilaterally you place the burden on yourself.
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It's difficult when parents want to keep making their decisions and just aren't able to do that anymore.
Just asking - not expecting an answer. If the house goes to one child after your mom passes, the others maybe expecting that sibling to do the repairs. (It needs to be legally done). If she had to go into a facility, wouldn't a boiler need to functional in order for the house to be sold or rented.
Just asking - not expecting an answer. If the house goes to one child after your mom passes, the others maybe expecting that sibling to do the repairs. (It needs to be legally done). If she had to go into a facility, wouldn't a boiler need to functional in order for the house to be sold or rented.
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I talked to my mum again this morning and cleared the air a bit with her and she is a bit more willing to let us help - the issue really is were the money will come from to make some of the alterations - my own view is that she should get some from social services (Gov) if she can - because for one thing she has never claimed several monies she is entitled in her state of health - and she needs a system that does not require her to be remembering to turn a lot of things on and off. So I see it that the Gov social services have an obligation to her also - because if some in her family was not taking up the strain she would need as one or two of her neighbours need a home help coming in several times a week or sheltered dwelling at the expense of social services. Its in their interests to make sure she has the basics at home that she needs at this point?
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She seems to need help by various social service agencies, but she does not appear capable of handling this; so, that is when family needs to help by contacting agencies in the community about her needs. In some states there are State agencies that will come in to assess needs for elderly people, when it is brought to their attention.
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My sister handles most of my mums personal matters and shopping - I have been grocery shopping also for her, and do any housework she cannot manage now such as cleaning windows and hoovering and checking she remembers to turn stuff off. Its more the exterior of the house that presents difficulties at times - I am trying to get some extention ladders which will reach the parts that need painted - I am hoping to get some second hand for a reasonable price - I need a 20ft extending ladder if I can get hold of one - then I will have them and can paint the other parts or someone else in the family can help - but getting the ladders is the first thing - if people could pray I might be able to find someone selling the right sort second hand and I will keep looking online.
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