Fallen From Christ, no Courage and Willpower to Follow and Obey Him

[Edgars90]

This will be a long post so please bear with me.

I come from a non-christian family. They believe that there is a god or some higher power, but are not born-again Christians. Until the age of 17 I was a pretty agressive atheist. I argued a lot with Christians in real life and on the Internet and mocked them.

Then I met this Christian guy on the Internet and we started exchanging private messages, talked on the phone sometimes and even met a few times in real life. We are from different cities, but now he is one of my best friends. As an atheist I was really shocked by his character. For me it was normal that people always fight fire with fire. However, he replied to all my insults with kindness and patience. I've never seen such attitude before.

His Christ-like character and all the testimonies of God's mighty works that I've heard over the years while arguing with Christians got me thinking that maybe, just maybe there is a God. My next thought was that if this God is all-mighty than He can answer me and prove Himself to me in a way I would understand. So I started praying these simple prayers: 'God, if you are real, please reveal Yourself to me in a way that I would understand and believe.'

I also started reading the New Testament though it was quite difficult to grasp. I also shared my intentions to get an answer from God with my Christian schoolmate and he invited me to his pentecost church and to their youth fellowship.

I spent three months like this, but there was just no answer. So I decided in my heart that there is no God since there was no answer. Next day was Sunday so I decided to visit the church one last time. Nothing special happened during the service. I was pretty happy and relieved that I could stay an atheist. I was walking home with my headphones on and listening to some wordly music when suddenly I heard a voice 'Accept Jesus'. I thought I was going crazy, I put of my headphones and heard a very clear and loud voice again: 'Accept Jesus'. It was July 1, 2007.

I rushed home and called one of my Christian friends to ask what to do next. He made me repeat the sinner's prayer where I confessed my sins and gave my life to Jesus. Right after the prayer I was filled with an out of this world joy and peace that I never experienced before as an unbeliever. I knew I was a child of God and that I belong to Jesus. I had an instant change of heart. Suddenly all of my personal goals, dreams and ambitions vanished, and my only wish was to follow my Lord and do whathever He commands. As an unbeliever I was convinced that I have the right to be bitter, offended, not forgive and hate my wrongdoers, but now I wanted for every thought of unforgiveness or hate to be far away from me.

I wanted to praise and worship the Lord loudly, but I thought that my parents would think that I've gone crazy, so instead I took my dog for a walk to a quiet park and praised there. In the park I remembered that I have a small Buddha stattuete in my room and that I will need to get rid of it. When I returned home I found out that while I was out my mom for some unexplained reason decided to put this little Buddha in trash even though she liked these little juju things and considered them as a lucky charm. It was a true miracle for me.

After that my life started to change very rapidly. I stopped drinking and going to the parties. Stopped swearing and threw away all my worldy music and books. I testefied about Jesus to my family, friends and schoolmates and was constantly mocked for it. Everyone was shocked that I stopped liking the sinful things that I used to like.

I started searching and praying for the right church for me. I didn't want to stay in the church my schoolmate invited me to because almost every sermon was about financial wealth in a Christian's life, and it just seemed uniblical and the wrong focus. In the end I stopped at a local Baptist church. The teaching seemed biblical with the exception that they very rarely talked about the Holy Spirit, Holy Spirit gifts, divine healing, deliverances even though the New Testament has a fair share about these topics.

After some short time I got pretty dissapointed in the congreggation. While the pastor was a very godly and God-loving man a lot of the church just seemed lukewarm. While for me Christ was my whole life and the center on the universe I felt that a lot of church members simply attended the Sunday services, but their lives and thinking wasn't transformed at all and I didn't see any passion for Christ even though they were attending the church for many years.

I started preparing for water baptism which took place almost a year after I came to Christ. I also have to mention that shortly after my repentance I started to struggle with depression and suicidal thoughts. To this day I don't know the reason why it started, because I never had depression as an atheist, but that's just how it was. I was ashamed about it, but found the courage to share this with my pastor. He just asked some generic questions wether I have enough sleep, enough vitamins, have I've been under any stress lately etc. Which to be fair seemed very unspiritual approach.

I hoped that through the water baptism all my final bonds with this world and the devil will be cut, and that I might be free from depression, but after the baptism nothing happened and I still was depressed and had suicidal thoughts for no reason. So dissapointed with the church and depressed I just stopped attending the services.

After about a month I accidentaly met a brother from my church on the street. He asked why I stopped attending the church and I told him the truth about my depression. He encouraged me to come to church next Sunday, and said that the church will pray for me. I came to the service, the church prayed for me and I really got the freedom from depression. Even though there are still times when I'm down I never experience such dark and suicidal thoughts anymore.

Another year passed. I was getting even more dissapointed with the lukewarm congregation, but luckly I knew that I was graduating high-school and then moving to another city to study in a university which also meant a new church and a new leaf. I started looking for a new church in the new city, but time after time was dissapointed again by the lukewarm church members who seemed to have no real passion for Christ.

The last straw was when I got my hands on Watchman's Nee book 'The Normal Christian Church Life' where he describes that denomination are man made, and that the Bible describes local churches only by their location: Church in Rome, Church in Corinth, Church in Jerusalem. But no Baptists, Catholics, Methodists, Lutherans, Pentecosts etc.

After that I went to the pastor of my first Baptist church and officially resigned my membership because I didn't want to do anything with man made religious organizations anymore. Please, understand that I'm not saying that I was in the right. I probably made a lot of mistakes in my journey. I'm just describing how it was.

So I refused to join any denominational church, but still had some home fellowships now and then, met and had phone calls with my Christian friends, but it wasn't working. Sin started to crawl back into my life and I was starting to fall away from Christ. I stopped praying and reading the Scripture for a few days, then for a few weeks, then for months. I started watching pornography, swearing, having episodes of rage and anger. I returned to wordly music, videogames and movies which often contain some demonic elements. I still tried to seek the Lord, go to fellowships, but I kept falling away from Christ.

I'm now 30 years old, but after graduating the university I moved back to my non-believer parents because I work from home as a freelance translator, and they said they can't really handle everything at home and business without my help. I can support myself financially and live on my own, but I don't want to hurt them and leave them without my help. But because they are non-believers there is constant compromise. For example, sometimes I see they mistreat people in their business but I don't speak up and just go along with it because I fear to ruin our relationships. Sometimes when I go shopping my father asks me to buy him some alcohol and I just listen to him even though I should just say no. Same with my job - sometimes I have to translate some ungodly stuff and I just don't have the courage to say no because it could cost me my clients. Basically it's compromise after compromise, disobeying Christ because of fear of men and because appearantly I love my family more than Him and we know what Scripture says about that.

Then about 3 years ago I met some very radical, biblical and godly Christians who said that true repentance is turning away from the sin, changing your ways, leaving your old life behind and not just some silly sinner's prayer. So I started to doubt my whole salvation. Did I truly repented? Especially if my life is now so filthy, so full of sin, compromise, fear of men, disobedience?

Then about a year ago I started to actively seek the Lord again through prayer and Scriptures. I started attending another local church with very clear and biblical teaching and godly leaders. I started attending Sunday services, Bible studies, prayer meetings, house fellowships. I lasted for 6 month and then got discouraged again, and now for the past 6 months are living without God again.

I left the Lord and the church because I felt like hypocrite. Yes, I can pray, fast, read my Bible and attend church as much as I want, but my life is full of filth. While I fight with my lusts (pornography and overeating) I still don't have the willpower to stop playing demonic videogames and watch demonic movies. I'm still a men-pleaser and still don't have the courage to say no to my family, my clients and other people out of fear to ruin relationship. I still don't have the strenght to fully obey and follow the Lord, to pray the price whatever the cost even if it means everyone will hate me for my faith.

Is He even my Lord if I don't obey Him? Was I even saved and born-again in the first place at all or was it all just a lie and illusion? What good does it make to 'seek' the Lord when my life remains unchanged? Is there even hope for such people like me anymore? I don't have answers to these questions and I'm not getting any answers from the Lord either. Does He even hear me while I live like this? Is there even any point in praying and reading the Scripture if my life so sinful?

 

[Paul4JC]

What good does it make to 'seek' the Lord when my life remains unchanged? Is there even hope for such people like me anymore?

Welcome to the forum, and thank for sharing. I may comment later, but for now I will pray for you

Lord God we pray for Edgars90, you know him and I think he knows you. Lord help him through this time of his life, Thanks for all you taught him over the years, and that you're still there for him, cause it's by faith in Christ's life, and his finished work we are saved. Just give him new direction to follow you, and not give up. Victory be his In Christ, who is the real champion, we embrace. Thanks there is forgiveness in Christ, even when we fail miserably. Thanks for your love, In Jesus name, Amen.

1Jo 4:19 RSV - We love, because he first loved us.

1Jo 1:9-NIV If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.

 

[Tony B]

From what you have said, I would say your spirit was born again on or around July 1 2007.

Jesus said He will never leave you nor forsake you, I believe Him.

God’s grace when given is greater than any sin (consider King David’s experience).

You need to find a church group where you can be watched over and nurtured, and given an opportunity to exercise the particular bent (combination of faculties, qualities and talents) that God has vested in you. This group won’t have any association with a denomination, and will be led by elders that have proven faith and loyalty to Jesus and not in any religious institution.

My salvation walk of 37 years is very similar to yours. I have not ‘been to church’ for over 30 years, I and others like me are the church. I walk the gap between the world and this world’s religions. I am far from perfect in myself, but Jesus has never left me nor forsaken me, even though at times I felt He had. Again, consider King David’s ups and downs!

 

[crossnote]

I seldom ever read long posts but I read this one.
I hate the use of the word 'journey' but reading your post it appears a fact in your case. Hang in there as the Lord has promised to never leave or forsake you.
The one thing I noticed in your story/journey is that often your downfall seemed to occur each time when you started to compare and size up other groups or movements/churches. Tip: Keep your eyes on Jesus the Author and Finisher of our faith. (BTW,. I had not read @Tony B s post before writing mine. It's interesting we both came up with the same verse.)

 

[Jesus is my Superhero]

May I suggest that you pray and fast asking for more direct guidance from God, meaning constant supervision. I know that I was in need of constant supervision, read - closely watched for many years
due to my constant character faults and failures. Like posters above, I haven't attended an organized religious service, except for a funeral, in over 30 years. I know God is with me, and I in Him.By His Spirit and Jesus' teachings and my application of His truth in life.

 

[NBB]

You can't live to God standards without Jesus help, and sometimes that help requires you to pray and wait a lot and insist, don't be discouraged too much, just do what you can and ask for help for the rest. But even if you sin, don't enertain ideas of getting away from God, just stay with God no matter what, God understand you have problems.

 

[Joined2krist]

You have to chose to submit to him fully, which is the worthy sacrifice he desires. You seem to please people more than you do Christ yet he's supposed to be your new life which is resurrected. I suggest you take out time for intensive study of the Word of God, look for fellow believers who can help strengthen and feed your faith, don't be unequally yoked with unbelievers. If your job makes you compromise your faith by sinning, give it up and trust Him for a much better one( He can do much more than you imagine), pray consistently for your parents and live a life that makes them see your new life and desire to be like you in faith.

 

[FutureAndAHope]

This will be a long post so please bear with me.

I come from a non-christian family. They believe that there is a god or some higher power, but are not born-again Christians. Until the age of 17 I was a pretty agressive atheist. I argued a lot with Christians in real life and on the Internet and mocked them.

Then I met this Christian guy on the Internet and we started exchanging private messages, talked on the phone sometimes and even met a few times in real life. We are from different cities, but now he is one of my best friends. As an atheist I was really shocked by his character. For me it was normal that people always fight fire with fire. However, he replied to all my insults with kindness and patience. I've never seen such attitude before.

His Christ-like character and all the testimonies of God's mighty works that I've heard over the years while arguing with Christians got me thinking that maybe, just maybe there is a God. My next thought was that if this God is all-mighty than He can answer me and prove Himself to me in a way I would understand. So I started praying these simple prayers: 'God, if you are real, please reveal Yourself to me in a way that I would understand and believe.'

I also started reading the New Testament though it was quite difficult to grasp. I also shared my intentions to get an answer from God with my Christian schoolmate and he invited me to his pentecost church and to their youth fellowship.

I spent three months like this, but there was just no answer. So I decided in my heart that there is no God since there was no answer. Next day was Sunday so I decided to visit the church one last time. Nothing special happened during the service. I was pretty happy and relieved that I could stay an atheist. I was walking home with my headphones on and listening to some wordly music when suddenly I heard a voice 'Accept Jesus'. I thought I was going crazy, I put of my headphones and heard a very clear and loud voice again: 'Accept Jesus'. It was July 1, 2007.

I rushed home and called one of my Christian friends to ask what to do next. He made me repeat the sinner's prayer where I confessed my sins and gave my life to Jesus. Right after the prayer I was filled with an out of this world joy and peace that I never experienced before as an unbeliever. I knew I was a child of God and that I belong to Jesus. I had an instant change of heart. Suddenly all of my personal goals, dreams and ambitions vanished, and my only wish was to follow my Lord and do whathever He commands. As an unbeliever I was convinced that I have the right to be bitter, offended, not forgive and hate my wrongdoers, but now I wanted for every thought of unforgiveness or hate to be far away from me.

I wanted to praise and worship the Lord loudly, but I thought that my parents would think that I've gone crazy, so instead I took my dog for a walk to a quiet park and praised there. In the park I remembered that I have a small Buddha stattuete in my room and that I will need to get rid of it. When I returned home I found out that while I was out my mom for some unexplained reason decided to put this little Buddha in trash even though she liked these little juju things and considered them as a lucky charm. It was a true miracle for me.

After that my life started to change very rapidly. I stopped drinking and going to the parties. Stopped swearing and threw away all my worldy music and books. I testefied about Jesus to my family, friends and schoolmates and was constantly mocked for it. Everyone was shocked that I stopped liking the sinful things that I used to like.

I started searching and praying for the right church for me. I didn't want to stay in the church my schoolmate invited me to because almost every sermon was about financial wealth in a Christian's life, and it just seemed uniblical and the wrong focus. In the end I stopped at a local Baptist church. The teaching seemed biblical with the exception that they very rarely talked about the Holy Spirit, Holy Spirit gifts, divine healing, deliverances even though the New Testament has a fair share about these topics.

After some short time I got pretty dissapointed in the congreggation. While the pastor was a very godly and God-loving man a lot of the church just seemed lukewarm. While for me Christ was my whole life and the center on the universe I felt that a lot of church members simply attended the Sunday services, but their lives and thinking wasn't transformed at all and I didn't see any passion for Christ even though they were attending the church for many years.

I started preparing for water baptism which took place almost a year after I came to Christ. I also have to mention that shortly after my repentance I started to struggle with depression and suicidal thoughts. To this day I don't know the reason why it started, because I never had depression as an atheist, but that's just how it was. I was ashamed about it, but found the courage to share this with my pastor. He just asked some generic questions wether I have enough sleep, enough vitamins, have I've been under any stress lately etc. Which to be fair seemed very unspiritual approach.

I hoped that through the water baptism all my final bonds with this world and the devil will be cut, and that I might be free from depression, but after the baptism nothing happened and I still was depressed and had suicidal thoughts for no reason. So dissapointed with the church and depressed I just stopped attending the services.

After about a month I accidentaly met a brother from my church on the street. He asked why I stopped attending the church and I told him the truth about my depression. He encouraged me to come to church next Sunday, and said that the church will pray for me. I came to the service, the church prayed for me and I really got the freedom from depression. Even though there are still times when I'm down I never experience such dark and suicidal thoughts anymore.

Another year passed. I was getting even more dissapointed with the lukewarm congregation, but luckly I knew that I was graduating high-school and then moving to another city to study in a university which also meant a new church and a new leaf. I started looking for a new church in the new city, but time after time was dissapointed again by the lukewarm church members who seemed to have no real passion for Christ.

The last straw was when I got my hands on Watchman's Nee book 'The Normal Christian Church Life' where he describes that denomination are man made, and that the Bible describes local churches only by their location: Church in Rome, Church in Corinth, Church in Jerusalem. But no Baptists, Catholics, Methodists, Lutherans, Pentecosts etc.

After that I went to the pastor of my first Baptist church and officially resigned my membership because I didn't want to do anything with man made religious organizations anymore. Please, understand that I'm not saying that I was in the right. I probably made a lot of mistakes in my journey. I'm just describing how it was.

So I refused to join any denominational church, but still had some home fellowships now and then, met and had phone calls with my Christian friends, but it wasn't working. Sin started to crawl back into my life and I was starting to fall away from Christ. I stopped praying and reading the Scripture for a few days, then for a few weeks, then for months. I started watching pornography, swearing, having episodes of rage and anger. I returned to wordly music, videogames and movies which often contain some demonic elements. I still tried to seek the Lord, go to fellowships, but I kept falling away from Christ.

I'm now 30 years old, but after graduating the university I moved back to my non-believer parents because I work from home as a freelance translator, and they said they can't really handle everything at home and business without my help. I can support myself financially and live on my own, but I don't want to hurt them and leave them without my help. But because they are non-believers there is constant compromise. For example, sometimes I see they mistreat people in their business but I don't speak up and just go along with it because I fear to ruin our relationships. Sometimes when I go shopping my father asks me to buy him some alcohol and I just listen to him even though I should just say no. Same with my job - sometimes I have to translate some ungodly stuff and I just don't have the courage to say no because it could cost me my clients. Basically it's compromise after compromise, disobeying Christ because of fear of men and because appearantly I love my family more than Him and we know what Scripture says about that.

Then about 3 years ago I met some very radical, biblical and godly Christians who said that true repentance is turning away from the sin, changing your ways, leaving your old life behind and not just some silly sinner's prayer. So I started to doubt my whole salvation. Did I truly repented? Especially if my life is now so filthy, so full of sin, compromise, fear of men, disobedience?

Then about a year ago I started to actively seek the Lord again through prayer and Scriptures. I started attending another local church with very clear and biblical teaching and godly leaders. I started attending Sunday services, Bible studies, prayer meetings, house fellowships. I lasted for 6 month and then got discouraged again, and now for the past 6 months are living without God again.

I left the Lord and the church because I felt like hypocrite. Yes, I can pray, fast, read my Bible and attend church as much as I want, but my life is full of filth. While I fight with my lusts (pornography and overeating) I still don't have the willpower to stop playing demonic videogames and watch demonic movies. I'm still a men-pleaser and still don't have the courage to say no to my family, my clients and other people out of fear to ruin relationship. I still don't have the strenght to fully obey and follow the Lord, to pray the price whatever the cost even if it means everyone will hate me for my faith.

Is He even my Lord if I don't obey Him? Was I even saved and born-again in the first place at all or was it all just a lie and illusion? What good does it make to 'seek' the Lord when my life remains unchanged? Is there even hope for such people like me anymore? I don't have answers to these questions and I'm not getting any answers from the Lord either. Does He even hear me while I live like this? Is there even any point in praying and reading the Scripture if my life so sinful?

Don't give up. The bible says:

Php 1:6 Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ:

Reading your testimony I can see God's hand on your life in a real way. The passionate faith, is what God would call you to. It is what you had.

But lets start simple. Pornography, yes it has to go. Overeating, work on that one. Video games, again not a big issue, give it time.

I say video games are not a big issue for the following reason. It is not wrong for a Christian to have entertainment. When you say you play demonic games, sure it may have magical content, or some violence, but even that is not "so bad that God will strike you down". I am a casual gamer, and I play some games with magical elements, war or conflict. Sure it is best not to play games, but it is not a sin to do so. God showed me, that because it was something I liked, that I was being "overly religious", to remove it entirely.

Ecc 7:16 Be not righteous over much; neither make thyself over wise: why shouldest thou destroy thyself?

There are certain games I feel it is wrong for me to play, like ones with sex, or magic involving a strong demonic flavour. There was one game recently I wanted to buy, but when I enquired of the LORD, He said no; it had a strong magical element to it.

But like I say, take it slow. Deal with the real heavy sin, before coming down heavy on yourself.

As for the courage to say what is right, and do right. I know what it is like to work in industries where demand can be heavy to go against the LORD's word. I work in computers, computer programming and web design, with a advertising focus. People are always following the latest trends, which often are sinful. I struggled internally with so many issues, but tried as hard as I could to promote God's ways. Somethings I have taken a stand on, some are just, how would you say, too little to worry about, and would cause more strife than what they could solve.

Again don't beat yourself up over your failures, we are just trying our best to live God's way. Your foot may have slipped, but God is wanting you fired up again.