Fall

[Kaylee4Christ]

I run
You sigh
I scream
You cry

Do you love me?
Its hard to tell
You laughed when I fell.

And I fept falling.
Down down down.
Until I hit the bottom and stopped.

Did you care?
I swear
I was at a loss
for words

You were at a loss
for me.

 

[Kaylee4Christ]

When I wrote it I was in tears.....please forgive me if its a little....iffy

Kaylee

 

[Alice the Sister]

I'm going to give you an honest critique ok?

I want you to read what I'm saying, so you can take it into consideration and make the poem better. Alright? Here goes.

I liked the subject matter, but it seemed choppy. I think you may have overused rhetorical questions. Or maybe not, they just seemed a little out of place.

I didn't like the first stanza. It seemed too ping-pongy.

Overall I would consider it decent. It definately could use some fine-tuning, because it seems like each stanza is its own poem. in its own little "short but sweet kind of way"

A little word of advice: "show don't tell."

Show me with words, don't just tell me things.


I wasn't bashing, I promise. I was being helpful.

 

[Kaylee4Christ]

Thanks drew.

Kaylee

 

[Cerulean_Butterfly]

I liked it. But, I also agree with Andrew. It was a bit choppy and it could use a little bit of tuning. Just fix it up a little and it will be great. I give it a 7/10. BTW, If you need to talk my PM box is always open to you ok? Good job hun.

-Jo.

 

[Kaylee4Christ]

OK Thanks Jo

-Kaylee

 

[<<dAnNi>>]

I really enjoyed that poem...and though I understand what the others are saying about it...it is still completely unique on its own...and in its briefness it allows it to express different feelings/emotions well.

God Bless
Danni