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Alice the Sister

optimize
Jun 30, 2003
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I'm going to give you an honest critique ok?

I want you to read what I'm saying, so you can take it into consideration and make the poem better. Alright? Here goes.

I liked the subject matter, but it seemed choppy. I think you may have overused rhetorical questions. Or maybe not, they just seemed a little out of place.

I didn't like the first stanza. It seemed too ping-pongy.

Overall I would consider it decent. It definately could use some fine-tuning, because it seems like each stanza is its own poem. in its own little "short but sweet kind of way"

A little word of advice: "show don't tell."

Show me with words, don't just tell me things.


I wasn't bashing, I promise. I was being helpful.
 
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Cerulean_Butterfly

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I liked it. But, I also agree with Andrew. It was a bit choppy and it could use a little bit of tuning. Just fix it up a little and it will be great. I give it a 7/10. ;) BTW, If you need to talk my PM box is always open to you ok? :hug: Good job hun.

-Jo. :hug:
 
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