I've had several similar experienced, figuring out God was different than I thought. The best experience was when I discovered that he wasn't out to punish and torture me forever. Believing he had real, true and sufficient grace for me changed my life, something morality and the christian religion never could. It set me free from drug addiction, among other things. And made me a passionate witness, inspiring others.
I'm a little puzzled here. As I understand it, God's grace is a Christian concept, but you suggest above that the Christian religion couldn't do what God's grace did for you. What's the distinction you're making here between the two, exactly? Also, was it the strength of your belief in God's grace or His grace itself that effected the changes in you that you mention?
Well, my ceasing to pray is the result of the feeling of separation, not the other way around. I'm getting used to it now, not praying or talking to God about this and that. And like I mentioned, I see no difference whatsoever in what happens or doesn't happen. So as far as I can see, all those prayers had precious little effect.
I'm a little confused: If you aren't praying to God and nothing is changing in your life is that
necessarily an indicator that God has
never answered your prayers? Do you believe that
none of your prayers has
ever been answered? Might there be some other possible reasons that nothing changes whether or not you pray?
Ha! Congratulations! A good marriage is among the most excellent things in life, I think.
I just don't like to clutter my posts with all sorts of icons and flashy stuff (except for my cool avatar).
Yeah, about that...I don't know why, but your avatar's quick chewing action and stony expression bother me. I think its because if someone was, say, chewing gum and staring at me like that, I'd want to give 'em a smack. Heh. Weird, eh?
Would this be normal? If you really loved your wife, if the relationship between you was healthy and deep, an imposed silence between you would be deeply troubling to both of you.
It sure would. But it's not I who stopped talking to God, it's he who stopped talking to me. And naturally, after a while I begin to wonder if he ever talked to me at all or if it was just my wishful thinking.
Sure He wants to talk with you. Just take a look at the Bible and you can see that He has a great deal He wants to communicate to us.
God supposedly loves me more than I can fathom. He is also almighty. And he supposedly wants to talk to me and keep in touch, and wants me to believe in him. And I want the same. So what's the problem? Why the silence?
Well, the Bible suggests a few things. Here's the short list:
1. Doubt.
Doubt can be a good thing. It can provoke us to use our faith "muscle." When we do, our faith grows stronger. Doubt unchallenged, however, can provoke us to abandon our faith. When this happens, God begins to feel like a phantom, a figment of one's imagination.
The Bible says that
"the just (or righteous) shall live by faith." Paul the apostle explained,
Hebrews 11:6 (NKJV)
6 But without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him.
He wrote in another place,
Hebrews 3:12-14 (NKJV)
12 Beware, brethren, lest there be in any of you an evil heart of unbelief in departing from the living God;
13 but exhort one another daily, while it is called "Today," lest any of you be hardened through the deceitfulness of sin.
14 For we have become partakers of Christ if we hold the beginning of our confidence steadfast to the end,
2. Sin.
The Bible also teaches that Sin separates us from God. This can be anything from murder and adultery to gossip and arrogance.
King David wrote,
Psalm 66:18 (NKJV)
18 If I regard iniquity in my heart, The Lord will not hear.
Isaiah the prophet echoes David:
Isaiah 59:2 (NKJV)
2 But your iniquities have separated you from your God; And your sins have hidden His face from you, So that He will not hear.
3. Not truly saved.
Some people believe they are saved simply because they prayed a prayer asking Jesus into their heart. It has been observed that many are eager to escape the threat of Hell but few want a changed life. As a result, when people pray to "accept Jesus" they are often only pursuing "fire insurance" and have no desire to see their way of life fundamentally altered. Under these circumstances, it is highly doubtful that one is truly saved.
Sometimes people have only some of the truth in hand when they reach out for salvation. Often, these truths are confused, or exaggerated at the expense of other necessary truths. Such people go on to try to live the Christian life, but having begun in confusion, and missing vital pieces of the salvation picture, they only encounter greater confusion, frustration, and spiritual failure. So it is that Paul the apostle urged those who claimed salvation,
2 Corinthians 13:5 (NKJV)
5 Examine yourselves as to whether you are in the faith. Test yourselves. Do you not know yourselves, that Jesus Christ is in you?--unless indeed you are disqualified.
Christ, too, warned,
Matthew 7:21-23 (NKJV)
21 "Not everyone who says to Me, 'Lord, Lord,' shall enter the kingdom of heaven, but he who does the will of My Father in heaven.
22 Many will say to Me in that day, 'Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in Your name, cast out demons in Your name, and done many wonders in Your name?'
23 And then I will declare to them, 'I never knew you; depart from Me, you who practice lawlessness!'
And the apostle John wrote,
1 John 2:19 (NKJV)
19 They went out from us, but they were not of us; for if they had been of us, they would have continued with us; but they went out that they might be made manifest, that none of them were of us.
The more I've tried to be open to God not being confined to whatever little box I had him in, the less I see/feel/hear of him. It's paradoxal - but perhaps it just proves that the more you define God, the easier it is to have that image of God confirmed. If you have an image of God as angry and vengeful and wanting to punish the guilty with tsunamies and AIDS, you can easily confirm that image with the bible. Just select the verses. And find a congregation who thinks the same.
Its funny, you know, God has defined Himself and yet remains unknown. I mean, the Bible gives us a pretty clear picture of who God is, but it does so in a way that reminds us that while there is much we can know about Him there is still much more we cannot. In any case, what God has revealed about Himself in the Bible prevents us from painting our own picture of who God is. Sure, someone who wants only a wrathful God can go to the Bible and, taking verses out of context, make a case for such a God, but such a person must also ignore all the rest of what is said in Scripture about the nature of God to do so. Then there is the person who wants only a light and fluffy God, a God who loves unconditionally, who indiscriminately embraces everyone. These sort must do with Scripture precisely as the one who wants to establish that God is only wrathful has done. Fortunately, you and I have access to the Bible too, and can judge how various people characterize God as right or wrong based on what the
entire Bible tells us.
I want to know God. If he's there, I don't want to waste my earthly life being an insecure doubter. I want to live as God intends for me. I want to serve him (provided he is indeed a good God), I especially want to see his healing powers in sick people. Not so that I may experience something cool, but just so that they may be well. I want to know that there's a purpose and a hope, that I exist for a reason, that I am loved no matter what anybody does to me. I want to believe that there's a God who loves even those who I hate, a God who can give me love where I can't summon anything but contempt.
Well, such a God we encounter in the pages of the Bible. But you must choose to believe that He is who and what the Bible says He is.
Hebrews 11:6 (NKJV)
6 But without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him.
Thanks for answering. It really feels good getting these things off my chest. I feel like doubt is like a taboo in christian circles.
Maybe it is in some circles. I don't have a problem with you expressing your doubts, however. I'm glad to give you a chance to get it off your chest. I hope some of what I've written is helpful.
Peace.