Failed marriages

[£amb]

There are many happy couples here including myself...19 years. Too bad we don't see that many threads celebrating the joy of marriage. Don't be discouraged by reading what is here. It doesn't represent every marriage or couple. Not all marriages end in divorce and not all of them are unhappy.

 

[catlover]

Divorce is so rampant and people have become so desensitized that they aren't making a serious commitment...they don't even know the meaning of the words.

Spreading eronious propaganda about why people divorce is wrong.

I have been through two divorces and both felt like a knife in my heart-

I know what commitment is.Many people who divorce are extremely sad it came to that and would have loved to have stayed married. Do you honestly believe it's EASIER to divorce? It's NOT.

 

[catlover]

oh honey, i hate to burst your bubble...but marriage is not a fairy tale and unfortunately most people go into it with the attitude that it is going to be everything the dreamed. when they realize it is alot of hard work, alot of people give up.

i think if you have the right attitude and get married for the right reasons then YES you can be successful. marriage is a contract, both parties have to decide they want to commit to that. the passion fades after a while and then you just have to learn to retool adn rework things.

my husband and i have our fair share of problems, some of them serious but i take my marriage vows seriously and believe that God has put us together for life. we do what we can to make it work.

there are times where i certainly feel like it would be so much easier to just leave but i do not think that is what God wants. i think people who get married based on their emotions of being "in love" soon realize that that passion does not last for long. love is a choice...it takes work.

dont give up...just because you hear all the negatives does not mean there are not as many positives. as with everything, people are much more likely to complain about negative things than to praise the positive.

the best advice is dont rush in to anything, listen to God, keep your purity, be prepared from the beginning that there will be challenges with the person you marry...no matter how PERFECT they see at first...you will be challenged.

do not be discouraged. God has a plan for you...perhaps that is to stay single...perhaps not...but sont give up on it just yet.

True marriage is 96% give and 4% take...I think the day with the dresses and food should happen after the 10 year mark.

The wedding day should be lame without the fan fare...

 

[Ryanswife]

Spreading eronious propaganda about why people divorce is wrong.

I have been through two divorces and both felt like a knife in my heart-

I know what commitment is.Many people who divorce are extremely sad it came to that and would have loved to have stayed married. Do you honestly believe it's EASIER to divorce? It's NOT.

I said people. I did not say any and all people everywhere who have ever been divorced so therefore, that comment was not even about you. There are many people who have that attitude about divorce if you agree with that or not. They are mostly the younger crowd, but don't act like that attitude does not exist. Many young people do not take marriage and commitment seriously and I know this for a fact because I know quite a few of these people personally.

 

[JohnDB]

I doubt the op is reading this at this point but hey, why not throw my two cents in here as well.

My first marriage was when I was 23 and was sure that I knew everything...not like when I was 18 and only thought I did. (my misery did last for 17 years)

expectations delivered and compatability are going to be key for a successful marriage.

I recently got remarried with a different set of criteria for this wife than the last one...and I ended up with a much more mature and wonderful marriage as a result.

IF we have a complaint about each other it is that we love each other too much...we are too much alike. We both delight in the exact same sorts of things. I have my talents and she hers (which aren't the same) but they are in similar areas and in the same manner.

Confusing, not copletely understanding all this gobeldegook? Then don't get married even though you LOVE her....wait till you are settled, know what you want, know that she knows what she wants...and then do it.

 

[gracepaints]

There are a lot of happy marriages around here.

 

[razzelflabben]

I doubt the op is reading this at this point but hey, why not throw my two cents in here as well.

My first marriage was when I was 23 and was sure that I knew everything...not like when I was 18 and only thought I did. (my misery did last for 17 years)

expectations delivered and compatability are going to be key for a successful marriage.

I recently got remarried with a different set of criteria for this wife than the last one...and I ended up with a much more mature and wonderful marriage as a result.

IF we have a complaint about each other it is that we love each other too much...we are too much alike. We both delight in the exact same sorts of things. I have my talents and she hers (which aren't the same) but they are in similar areas and in the same manner.

Confusing, not copletely understanding all this gobeldegook? Then don't get married even though you LOVE her....wait till you are settled, know what you want, know that she knows what she wants...and then do it.

I could get in trouble for asking this question, so let me give you a bit of background first. I have a friend who...let me see, a way to say this to protect people, innocent or not...his first wife did some very nasty things and ended up in divorce. (personnally don't think what I heard made the divorce wrong, so don't read that into what I am saying please) Remarried, she ended up leaving him, another not pretty situation. He is now, dating and planing on remarrying within the year. Now I talked with him just this week and am concerned about this new relationship. Partly because the last one ended him up in an attempted suicide. Partly because I don't want him to find himself in another divorce. That is the background for this question (no judgement, just seeking hope)

How long have you been remarried and how do you know that you have matured enough to endure to the end? (end meaning till death do you part) If you find it too personal, please don't take offense just simply tell me to but out. Thanks

 

[JohnDB]

The first time I married I didn't pay attention to any warning signs of things that would be important to me. I may have been a Christian but wasn't exactly living the lifestyle. She never really claimed to be one...only a time to time church attender. My value system and hers was radically different. I did try to make the best of things but she really wasn't that mentally stable. Still isn't...and the thing that worries me most today is my son that I had with her.

When I first met my now wife I did all I could to dissuade her from getting her hope set on me. I am a Christian Koolaide drinker. Completely sold out to God. I am looking to head into the ministry field as a missionary when my son matures enough. I want no house or much in the way of possessions or security except for Christ.
(That made most women run screaming away)
It had the exact opposite effect that I was looking for. (It was the beginning of her falling very hard for me)
Then I know that if I were to be in a marriage again I would love her hard...giving as much of myself as possible. For me to consent to marrying a woman she would have to not only be able to do the same but also be willing as well. I didn't have much to offer her financially (still don't) so she needed to be self sufficient. Since also I can get into some rather deep conversations where some real brain power is going to be neccesary she, in order to keep up and not feel lost/unconnected, also had to have some above average smarts about her.
She, at one time was an ordained minister.(Salvation Army) I never have been much of anything at church except twice I did lead a small group bible study. She was looking for someone who knew more theology than she did so that he could be a spiritual leader in the home. She marvels at how I glue the land, customs, and actions in the Bible together to form a story. I marvel at her Christian walk as well.
(She is currently gloating over asking her former pastor and friend a theological question because she knows it will bother him...I occasionally enjoy the same thing...OK OK..so I taught it to her and she is having fun with it as an ongoing battle of wits...and so am I)

I have the responsibility of the leadership of this house and she has the responsibility of the home. I love her and she respects me. We both are working towards the same things on a long term and short term basis. She can't wait to get on the road and neither can I. We are alot alike in a lot of ways...we have our little minor differences but we really don't fight...Both of us are continually trying to outplease the other. Not so much with fury but with longstanding efforts. And both of us want to serve the same God...it is both of ours main goal.

 

[catlover]

...

 

[razzelflabben]

The first time I married I didn't pay attention to any warning signs of things that would be important to me. I may have been a Christian but wasn't exactly living the lifestyle. She never really claimed to be one...only a time to time church attender. My value system and hers was radically different. I did try to make the best of things but she really wasn't that mentally stable. Still isn't...and the thing that worries me most today is my son that I had with her.

When I first met my now wife I did all I could to dissuade her from getting her hope set on me. I am a Christian Koolaide drinker. Completely sold out to God. I am looking to head into the ministry field as a missionary when my son matures enough. I want no house or much in the way of possessions or security except for Christ.
(That made most women run screaming away)
It had the exact opposite effect that I was looking for. (It was the beginning of her falling very hard for me)
Then I know that if I were to be in a marriage again I would love her hard...giving as much of myself as possible. For me to consent to marrying a woman she would have to not only be able to do the same but also be willing as well. I didn't have much to offer her financially (still don't) so she needed to be self sufficient. Since also I can get into some rather deep conversations where some real brain power is going to be neccesary she, in order to keep up and not feel lost/unconnected, also had to have some above average smarts about her.
She, at one time was an ordained minister.(Salvation Army) I never have been much of anything at church except twice I did lead a small group bible study. She was looking for someone who knew more theology than she did so that he could be a spiritual leader in the home. She marvels at how I glue the land, customs, and actions in the Bible together to form a story. I marvel at her Christian walk as well.
(She is currently gloating over asking her former pastor and friend a theological question because she knows it will bother him...I occasionally enjoy the same thing...OK OK..so I taught it to her and she is having fun with it as an ongoing battle of wits...and so am I)

I have the responsibility of the leadership of this house and she has the responsibility of the home. I love her and she respects me. We both are working towards the same things on a long term and short term basis. She can't wait to get on the road and neither can I. We are alot alike in a lot of ways...we have our little minor differences but we really don't fight...Both of us are continually trying to outplease the other. Not so much with fury but with longstanding efforts. And both of us want to serve the same God...it is both of ours main goal.

thanks, and I really don't want to hijack this thread, so I will leave it at that. I see nothing in your response that will insure a long lasting marriage, but maybe I am just missing something important. Thanks for your time and openness.

 

[Windmill]

Hi guys- I am still reading and appreciate all responses and all responses have been very useful to me. I was seemingly too cynical

So- if anyone is still reading at this point- what does one need in a relationship for the spark to last forever? Not necessarily passion-driven-love spark, but what I mean is- a spark that means you forever can love your spouse in a special way?

 

[moerunamida]

Hi there all

I am just starting out in life- I'm young, I'm free, and the world is mine to make of it what I will.

I am expected by those around me to some day get married.

But it seems every relationship I read about like on here on CF gets horrendously stagnent or ends in a divorce.

It is discouraging to see the only happy couples are the ones freshly divorced and rewed.

I am wondering, are there more happy marriages that I don't see? Can marriage be successful? Or shall I spend my life celibate and never marry?

I love my boyfriend very much, but I am afraid to get married too for the same thing.

 

[razzelflabben]

Hi guys- I am still reading and appreciate all responses and all responses have been very useful to me. I was seemingly too cynical

So- if anyone is still reading at this point- what does one need in a relationship for the spark to last forever? Not necessarily passion-driven-love spark, but what I mean is- a spark that means you forever can love your spouse in a special way?

I don't think there is a "spark" that keeps you together in fact, if we look at history, people who had never met before can grow into a happy, healthy, lasting marriage. From my experience there are two things that will insure that even during the times you don't "like" your spouse much, you still will "love" them 1. they complete you, you feel whole when you are around them. Like you can breath for the first time in your life when you are together. 2. both are commited to persevere through the tough times, keeping in mind at all times that there is always hope that this time in which emotions waver is but a season and soon, we will rediscover what we first saw in each other that compelled us to love, compelled us to look at each other differently than all others.

Just my two cents worth.

edit: one more thing to add to my post. My husband and I went through a rough patch that ends many marriages. during that time, I told my husband that I wanted to be one of those couples that when we are old and worn out, we still look at each other as if they were the most incredible, sexy, beautiful person in the world. What we discovered that got us through that time was a painfully honest approach to everything in our lives. We had learned from the world to with hold things that we knew would hurt the other person, but it is in sharing that thing, allowing it to hurt and to show the pain that it causes us to share it, we learned that nothing, not even the raw evils of this world would seperate us from loving one another. One of God's laws of inversion. Hope that made sense.

 

[visionary]

I am in one wonderful marriage... celebrating 9 years like it has been a honeymoon... can't believe the time has flown so.. and it has spark and is like fine wine that just keeps getting headier and more intoxicating with time.

 

[jdizon]

happy marriages still exists only that failed marriages are often talked about is because some people or most people can hardly notice the good things but can easily notice those bad ones. tampabaylawyers dot com

 

[moonkitty]

Haven't read all the replies, most likely wont. But I've been married for 14, almsot 15 years, and while we have had our ups and downs, our marriage has been what I would call a happy one.


I think too many people go into marriage with expectations that are too high. I've meet so many young brides who think their new hubby is suspose to worship the ground they walk on, spend every free time doin what she wants to do, and think her friends are the coolest in the world.

I've meet many young grooms who think the "little wife" should stay home and take care of his every whim, do all the house work, and get a small job on the side to make some extra money.

 

[moonkitty]

...I think the day with the dresses and food should happen after the 10 year mark.

The wedding day should be lame without the fan fare...

Not a christian, but I have to say . I agree compeletly.

I never understood the whole celebration of the wedding. Any two idiots can get married. The real celebrations should wait till the couple has done well and lasted a while.

 

[Mrs. Luther073082]

Hi there all

I am just starting out in life- I'm young, I'm free, and the world is mine to make of it what I will.

I am expected by those around me to some day get married.

But it seems every relationship I read about like on here on CF gets horrendously stagnent or ends in a divorce.

It is discouraging to see the only happy couples are the ones freshly divorced and rewed.

I am wondering, are there more happy marriages that I don't see? Can marriage be successful? Or shall I spend my life celibate and never marry?

Blind post:

I'm not married, but my parents have been happily married for over 30 years. I was just thinking about how cute they are yesterday ... they went surf fishing at the beach together and when they got back they got into a water fight and were laughing and playfully teasing each other.

My boyfriend's parents have also been married for about that long and are still happy together, too. They are cute together as well.

 

[myanchor]

24 years, 11 months. Sometimes the pits, sometimes the mountaintops. It's a covenant between you, her and God. Fight for your marriage and there's book by that name too. AGAPE always, Phileo most of the time, eros some of the time. If I'm too cryptic, email me.