S
SimplyNothing
Guest
I'm going to be more honest on this site than I ever have before.
My Name is Jesse... and I have been an addict for five years.
I was always a Christian... as long as I can remember anyway. I remember when I was young I loved God and the Church so much. All I wanted was to be cool and fit in with all the guys at my youth group and travel the world helping people in the name of Jesus. I was so idealistic. I would come to Church every Tuesday and Friday... in joyful anticipation of when I would be shunned by these hypocrites.
See I had a bunch of friends in my Junior high. I didn't hang out with them much outside of school though. They drank and some of them were already having sex. My mom told me they'd be a bad influence on my life. I believed her. I wanted desperately to be friends with these kids at church and tried so hard.
Oh yeah... I look back now and I realize the guys at church didn't like me very much. I was oblivious back then... but I realize now that them shunning me repeatedly caused a great deal of emotional pain. I remember coming to the realization that I was an outcast in God's house. I cried by myself sitting in a pew. I was thirteen.
I didn't go to church much after that. I started high school after that summer, and started hanging out with my friends at my school outside of school. I realized they were everything that the people at church had been and more... I thought. They were accepting of everybody, and so funny and so confident. I loved it when I first started hanging out with them. I felt popular. People... girls smiled at me as I walked by in the hallway. I could pick out almost anybody and start a wild and funny conversation with them. I would walk down the halls and people would start talking to me... even follow behind me sometimes.
It only got worse after my first drink. I liked this girl that I'd met through a mutual friend. It's always a girl in high school isn't it? She was everything I shouldn't have wanted to date. Granted she was social, and funny and so pretty I had no chance. She smoked cigars and drank beer. I wanted her to like me so bad it was disgusting. I remember I smoked my first cigar cuz of this girl. I drank my first drink because she invited me to a party at my buddy Brian's house... and after that first loaded night of fun... you can't just stop. I was on top of the world at school the next week... I was fired up... by next weekend I had decided this girl was going to be my girlfriend.
We had a party at her best friend's house that saturday. I remember I was kinda drunk and playing the guitar... while she made out with some random guy on top of her friend's bed.
I don't remember how long I sat and took that... indignation for but I eventually just put down the guitar and left. I was walking down the street... ready to never talk to her again.
"Please don't leave," and the wind. That was the first time I'd felt depressed I think. When I realized I wasn't going to be a man. I was helpless. I was going to listen to her... turn around... and go back inside.
When I realized she didn't like me my behaviour didn't stop... it increased. My friends were still all about drinking and smoking and we were in high school without a car in the world, so the lines between wrong and permissible started to blur over the next two years. Women became these heartless things that I could play with while they were drunk. I look back now and high school was total debauchery for me and my friends... I won't say anymore than that.
Near the end I tried smoking pot for the first time. Probably around Spring break of my grade twelve year. I loved it. I was on top of the world when I smoked. All the anxiety that I felt about what I was going to do with my life... all the insecurity that I had buried in place of a false sense of confidence (by false I simply mean... not found in God) vanished. I started to smoke weed at parties and drive people home for money instead of drink at them.
It was once I actually started to trust girl's again that things got even worse. Women have this way of destroying a man. The worst part is that we have to pretend we're stone. That these gentle little beings can't hurt us or our feeling's. I found myself saying often... "Behind every evil man is a woman who destroyed his soul."
Her name was Krystle. One of my best friends had introduced us and we'd hit it off immediately. Only problem? She had a boyfriend. Great! I thought my chances were pooched until she called me one night while I was at work, just sobbing. Her boyfriend had cheated on her twice in the same night. She'd called me... she wanted me to go over to her place and comfort her.
Now under regular circumstance I would've gone over there, given her a comforting "you're still beautiful" night of sham intimacy and called the situation settled good. The problem was I actually liked this girl. We stayed up all night at her house just talking... and I cuddled her until she fell asleep.
Now I realize something about this moment which I can contrast with the rest of my story. This moment, to which I am referring brought into my soul the most nourishing sense of peace and comfort that I had not experienced up to that day. I realized I was love starved. I wanted true and deep intimacy with someone. I needed some sort of tangible love. I was done with love from an invisible being. I did not let the love of the Lord satisfy my soul. I trusted in the partial love that human's provide. I hung out with her everyday for weeks. I liked her so much though that I became nervous around her. I didn't know what to do to lock her in as my girlfriend. Nobody had ever taught me how to lock a girl into a real relationship. I realized that despite how love starved I was... I had never been taught how to love anybody. I had no idea how to express my feelings... how to express it when I loved somebody. Maybe this is why everybody I'd loved up until that moment was starting to vanish. I realize now I was waiting for her to guarantee that the feeling was returned in full measure. I was scared to put myself out there and get hurt again. Maybe it was my fault... but she ended up going back to her ex... the one who'd slept with two different girls in one night.
I remember I was at work when suddenly this sense of dread and panic overwhelmed me seemingly from nowhere. I knew in that moment that I'd failed. She did not like me anymore (she'd actually confessed to crushing on me but she must have been deeply confused by the situation,) and she was going to get back with her ex.
Maybe I shouldn't have... but I fell into this sense of helpless depression.
I'd had a friend in high school that had kinda separated from the group. She had started dating a buddy of mine (a huge pothead) and become something of a potsmoker herself. Now all she did was hang out with him, and his two friends in a garage or in a basement and tok until they had no more emotions to tok away. That sounded fantastic to me. i knew weed couldn't possibly make me sad. All I'd ever felt when I'd smoked it was pure relief. I called her... asked them if they wanted to chill. They said sure, and we chilled and blazed.
I felt awesome... until the next day when the same gnawing sense of panic and dread returned. So I smoked again. And then again the next day... and the next day. Everyday I came and every time I smoked I felt relief wash over me. I was at peace. I didn't care that it was a chemical peace. I was at peace and that was the important thing.
Until i realized that I was not at peace. When my brain finally became dull to the effects of marijuana I didn't know what to do except keep smoking. Maybe if I smoked enough and for long enough it'll just disappear on its own. Instead my social abilities were partially destroyed by my numbed brain. Instead of the confidence weed once brought me I now only felt nervous and paranoid. Drugs really are a downward spiral into nothingness. They keep you hopeful... keep you optimistic while making you complacent and lazy. I also do partially believe the gateway drug theory now. I've experimented with other things since I started drinking... none of which I feel like talking about on here yet. My big struggle was weed. I realize now that God often uses evil situations to teach us lessons so... here are some lessons I learned. Maybe you don't have to go down the same path I do... or maybe you'll feel less alone. If you have any lesson you wanna share for the struggling that you think might be useful please do. We're all together in this.
-We all have a gaping hole in our soul where God and a companion are supposed to be. Broken people use drugs to fill this hole. The most commonly used drug to fill this hole is marijuana.
-Marijuana brings about a false sense of peace and destroys your ability to be happy. Things seem mundane after prolonged use.
-Marijuana destroys self confidence. Marijuana inhibits a person's ability to carry on a regular conversation in an intelligent manner. Whether due to burn out or perma-friedness is irrelevant.
-Many people who smoke weed feel completely hopeless to their addiction. It is because they started smoking it to help an unhealthy mental state.
-Quitting weed does take serious willpower. You literally cannot think about it... must divert your attention and mind to something else.
-You are not the only one struggling. Talk with somebody about how you feel... it helps.
-Marijuana does have health side effects. Many of them involving your digestive tract. Constipation, IBS, Acid-reflux, loss of appetite, insatiable hunger... all of these things happen when marijuana tolerance develops.
Better ones:
-You likely do drugs to fill some gaping hole in your soul
-You should likely sit back and think seriously and critically about where this hole comes from. I realized my hole is right where God, and a wife need to be.
-As an addict, when you think about socializing with regular people, your stomach literally drops out of your bum... and a sense of dread overwhelms you. You realize there's really no way in hell you're gonna go chill with these people. That would cut out valuable drug time. you might be judged... maybe even feel ashamed. The sad part is... you need to hang out with these people anyway.
-As bad as it sounds. God is not going to just whisk you away from your addiction and pump your body full of dopamine. You have to literally try and try until you cry. And once you absolutely know you can't try anymore... you have to keep trying.
-Stand back and try to observe your emotions as you're withdrawing objectively. Don't experience them... observe them. If you can observe your emotions from a distance you'll realize they're not as bad as you think they are.
-This may not be very Christian... but try meditating. Cross your legs, focus on your breathing... and think of nothing... or think of God whatever helps. Your mind is your best friend and your worst enemy. When it's being rude try shutting it up.
-Find a girlfriend. If you can't find a girlfriend because drugs have turned you into a zombie with the inability to speak... quit drugs. Girls are better... most of the time. You may find that the hole in your soul that you fill with drugs may get smaller.
-Yell at your girlfriend. It's like drugs. Esecially if you're right.
-The above was a joke.
My Name is Jesse... and I have been an addict for five years.
I was always a Christian... as long as I can remember anyway. I remember when I was young I loved God and the Church so much. All I wanted was to be cool and fit in with all the guys at my youth group and travel the world helping people in the name of Jesus. I was so idealistic. I would come to Church every Tuesday and Friday... in joyful anticipation of when I would be shunned by these hypocrites.
See I had a bunch of friends in my Junior high. I didn't hang out with them much outside of school though. They drank and some of them were already having sex. My mom told me they'd be a bad influence on my life. I believed her. I wanted desperately to be friends with these kids at church and tried so hard.
Oh yeah... I look back now and I realize the guys at church didn't like me very much. I was oblivious back then... but I realize now that them shunning me repeatedly caused a great deal of emotional pain. I remember coming to the realization that I was an outcast in God's house. I cried by myself sitting in a pew. I was thirteen.
I didn't go to church much after that. I started high school after that summer, and started hanging out with my friends at my school outside of school. I realized they were everything that the people at church had been and more... I thought. They were accepting of everybody, and so funny and so confident. I loved it when I first started hanging out with them. I felt popular. People... girls smiled at me as I walked by in the hallway. I could pick out almost anybody and start a wild and funny conversation with them. I would walk down the halls and people would start talking to me... even follow behind me sometimes.
It only got worse after my first drink. I liked this girl that I'd met through a mutual friend. It's always a girl in high school isn't it? She was everything I shouldn't have wanted to date. Granted she was social, and funny and so pretty I had no chance. She smoked cigars and drank beer. I wanted her to like me so bad it was disgusting. I remember I smoked my first cigar cuz of this girl. I drank my first drink because she invited me to a party at my buddy Brian's house... and after that first loaded night of fun... you can't just stop. I was on top of the world at school the next week... I was fired up... by next weekend I had decided this girl was going to be my girlfriend.
We had a party at her best friend's house that saturday. I remember I was kinda drunk and playing the guitar... while she made out with some random guy on top of her friend's bed.
I don't remember how long I sat and took that... indignation for but I eventually just put down the guitar and left. I was walking down the street... ready to never talk to her again.
"Please don't leave," and the wind. That was the first time I'd felt depressed I think. When I realized I wasn't going to be a man. I was helpless. I was going to listen to her... turn around... and go back inside.
When I realized she didn't like me my behaviour didn't stop... it increased. My friends were still all about drinking and smoking and we were in high school without a car in the world, so the lines between wrong and permissible started to blur over the next two years. Women became these heartless things that I could play with while they were drunk. I look back now and high school was total debauchery for me and my friends... I won't say anymore than that.
Near the end I tried smoking pot for the first time. Probably around Spring break of my grade twelve year. I loved it. I was on top of the world when I smoked. All the anxiety that I felt about what I was going to do with my life... all the insecurity that I had buried in place of a false sense of confidence (by false I simply mean... not found in God) vanished. I started to smoke weed at parties and drive people home for money instead of drink at them.
It was once I actually started to trust girl's again that things got even worse. Women have this way of destroying a man. The worst part is that we have to pretend we're stone. That these gentle little beings can't hurt us or our feeling's. I found myself saying often... "Behind every evil man is a woman who destroyed his soul."
Her name was Krystle. One of my best friends had introduced us and we'd hit it off immediately. Only problem? She had a boyfriend. Great! I thought my chances were pooched until she called me one night while I was at work, just sobbing. Her boyfriend had cheated on her twice in the same night. She'd called me... she wanted me to go over to her place and comfort her.
Now under regular circumstance I would've gone over there, given her a comforting "you're still beautiful" night of sham intimacy and called the situation settled good. The problem was I actually liked this girl. We stayed up all night at her house just talking... and I cuddled her until she fell asleep.
Now I realize something about this moment which I can contrast with the rest of my story. This moment, to which I am referring brought into my soul the most nourishing sense of peace and comfort that I had not experienced up to that day. I realized I was love starved. I wanted true and deep intimacy with someone. I needed some sort of tangible love. I was done with love from an invisible being. I did not let the love of the Lord satisfy my soul. I trusted in the partial love that human's provide. I hung out with her everyday for weeks. I liked her so much though that I became nervous around her. I didn't know what to do to lock her in as my girlfriend. Nobody had ever taught me how to lock a girl into a real relationship. I realized that despite how love starved I was... I had never been taught how to love anybody. I had no idea how to express my feelings... how to express it when I loved somebody. Maybe this is why everybody I'd loved up until that moment was starting to vanish. I realize now I was waiting for her to guarantee that the feeling was returned in full measure. I was scared to put myself out there and get hurt again. Maybe it was my fault... but she ended up going back to her ex... the one who'd slept with two different girls in one night.
I remember I was at work when suddenly this sense of dread and panic overwhelmed me seemingly from nowhere. I knew in that moment that I'd failed. She did not like me anymore (she'd actually confessed to crushing on me but she must have been deeply confused by the situation,) and she was going to get back with her ex.
Maybe I shouldn't have... but I fell into this sense of helpless depression.
I'd had a friend in high school that had kinda separated from the group. She had started dating a buddy of mine (a huge pothead) and become something of a potsmoker herself. Now all she did was hang out with him, and his two friends in a garage or in a basement and tok until they had no more emotions to tok away. That sounded fantastic to me. i knew weed couldn't possibly make me sad. All I'd ever felt when I'd smoked it was pure relief. I called her... asked them if they wanted to chill. They said sure, and we chilled and blazed.
I felt awesome... until the next day when the same gnawing sense of panic and dread returned. So I smoked again. And then again the next day... and the next day. Everyday I came and every time I smoked I felt relief wash over me. I was at peace. I didn't care that it was a chemical peace. I was at peace and that was the important thing.
Until i realized that I was not at peace. When my brain finally became dull to the effects of marijuana I didn't know what to do except keep smoking. Maybe if I smoked enough and for long enough it'll just disappear on its own. Instead my social abilities were partially destroyed by my numbed brain. Instead of the confidence weed once brought me I now only felt nervous and paranoid. Drugs really are a downward spiral into nothingness. They keep you hopeful... keep you optimistic while making you complacent and lazy. I also do partially believe the gateway drug theory now. I've experimented with other things since I started drinking... none of which I feel like talking about on here yet. My big struggle was weed. I realize now that God often uses evil situations to teach us lessons so... here are some lessons I learned. Maybe you don't have to go down the same path I do... or maybe you'll feel less alone. If you have any lesson you wanna share for the struggling that you think might be useful please do. We're all together in this.
-We all have a gaping hole in our soul where God and a companion are supposed to be. Broken people use drugs to fill this hole. The most commonly used drug to fill this hole is marijuana.
-Marijuana brings about a false sense of peace and destroys your ability to be happy. Things seem mundane after prolonged use.
-Marijuana destroys self confidence. Marijuana inhibits a person's ability to carry on a regular conversation in an intelligent manner. Whether due to burn out or perma-friedness is irrelevant.
-Many people who smoke weed feel completely hopeless to their addiction. It is because they started smoking it to help an unhealthy mental state.
-Quitting weed does take serious willpower. You literally cannot think about it... must divert your attention and mind to something else.
-You are not the only one struggling. Talk with somebody about how you feel... it helps.
-Marijuana does have health side effects. Many of them involving your digestive tract. Constipation, IBS, Acid-reflux, loss of appetite, insatiable hunger... all of these things happen when marijuana tolerance develops.
Better ones:
-You likely do drugs to fill some gaping hole in your soul
-You should likely sit back and think seriously and critically about where this hole comes from. I realized my hole is right where God, and a wife need to be.
-As an addict, when you think about socializing with regular people, your stomach literally drops out of your bum... and a sense of dread overwhelms you. You realize there's really no way in hell you're gonna go chill with these people. That would cut out valuable drug time. you might be judged... maybe even feel ashamed. The sad part is... you need to hang out with these people anyway.
-As bad as it sounds. God is not going to just whisk you away from your addiction and pump your body full of dopamine. You have to literally try and try until you cry. And once you absolutely know you can't try anymore... you have to keep trying.
-Stand back and try to observe your emotions as you're withdrawing objectively. Don't experience them... observe them. If you can observe your emotions from a distance you'll realize they're not as bad as you think they are.
-This may not be very Christian... but try meditating. Cross your legs, focus on your breathing... and think of nothing... or think of God whatever helps. Your mind is your best friend and your worst enemy. When it's being rude try shutting it up.
-Find a girlfriend. If you can't find a girlfriend because drugs have turned you into a zombie with the inability to speak... quit drugs. Girls are better... most of the time. You may find that the hole in your soul that you fill with drugs may get smaller.
-Yell at your girlfriend. It's like drugs. Esecially if you're right.
-The above was a joke.
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