Facing the Lies, Finding the Truth

[TheMainException]

It's a hard place seeing the lies in shambles. When you're gripping onto them so dearly and yet, at the same time, ripping them apart with all your might. The lies aren't holding you up and the truth has yet to help you stand. Hanging in the balance that is beginning to shake mightily and you become fearful that you will soon fall head first into the mess of things. It's where the enemy employs a new tactic. First, the lies seem more like truth than ever before. The lies are screamed into your ear and soon you can't tell if you that's screaming or someone else. Second, your friends feed the lies back to you and curse you for finding the truth, even if for a moment. Then, you whirl into a depression, because you can finally see past the spoon fed lies hanging like ripped curtains in the air. The truth shines so brightly through the patchwork like sun beams from the sky. But they blind and you find it feeling more like a curse than a blessing to be able to see them at last because you still feel chained to the old life and you don't even realize your fists grip the very earth where you sit, rigid and horrified.

Here lies the problem...what is told to me in outpatient is already what I know. I am no less able than a counselor of addicts to see what is before me. I know the lies I tell myself. I know the thoughts, the triggers, the urges that are within me. I know the people who cause me to trip and fall. I know all the right questions and all the right answers. There is nothing new that she will tell me. She can educate me, but I've already done the footwork. I'm already trained, I could do the assessment myself and play both roles. I am more than capable and know far more than she could begin to see. That is not the problem. The problem is that she cannot help me. The problem is that I cannot help myself. The problem is that I knew you were right all along. Of course I didn't want you to be right. I still think you are wrong in some aspects. AA still makes me mad and I doubt it will ever be an aid to me. One day though, I will look through the beer instead of at the beer. I will be able to ignore the alcohol and be content without it. For now though, I can't be sat in front of alcohol without drinking it all. Abstinence makes me thirsty, but drinking does too. If I have it, I will drink it.

Since before ever touching a drug or a drink, I've wished to go on benders. I was cursed from the moment I was thought into being. Maybe it's in my blood. Maybe it's in my home. Whichever is true doesn't really matter, I guess. I won't fight over whether the disease model is right or not anymore. The truth of the matter is only that I've got a problem and I need to deal with it. Truly I lack control...but I am by far not insane. Truly I must deal with the issues surrounding my abuse, but I am not dependent. With the help of my friends and my God, I will be freed. I will not live my life hanging in this awkwardly horrific place. I will stand on solid ground and this will cease to be an issue. I will either be able to drink without losing control or I will be able to ignore alcohol and never feel the need to drink again...and I know getting there will be no easy or short path...I know it will be more than a simple battle but a mighty war to be raged inside of myself. But one day, I will have freedom.

 

[madison1101]

I thought I knew all the answers at one time. I thought I knew why I drank, and what to do to stop myself from drinking to excess. BUT, in working with my therapist, I was able to learn about my unconscious thought and desires, and see the patterns of repeated success and failure and identify some truths I could not acknowledge in the beginning.

I also hated AA, for ages. I hated my dependence on the people and the 12 steps.

Then, after 19 years in AA, and a Masters of Social Work, where my internships were done at treatment facilities, I was confronted with the need to go to outpatient treatment. Me? A therapist, who does groups with all types of mentally ill people. I was in shock at the thought of it.

I went into treatment with an open mind. I go to AA with an open mind. I am willing to learn, and want to learn more and more about myself.

Try to be as honest, open and willing as you can each day. Don't give up on outpatient counseling. Don't give up on AA. You are worth it.

Hugs,
Trish

 

[TheMainException]

I don't have the money for outpatient. When the year ends, it ends. It's that simple. I can only gain so much anyway. I've been to numerous counselors in my life so far. I've not learned much from them. What I've learned, I've taught myself. I've picked up on "unconscious" thoughts, noticed trends in my lifestyle, drug use, mood, etc. I don't know all the answers. I don't know why I drink, sometimes I don't think there needs to be a reason...I just do it. I don't know how to stop myself...and I think there's no way I can ever stop myself. I have to rely on God for that. I don't hate relying on others as much any more. I'm learning. I'm learning it with a friend who has to learn the same lesson. We are strengthening one another. I'm not giving up...I can't. I know God wants to use me for big things, I know He wants me to live a great life because He wants to bless me and love me. He doesn't want me to live this sick sad life. I'm learning things daily...but God gave me the one thing I asked for when I was a kid...wisdom. I prayed, and he responded...it didn't take long...a few years and wisdom was being downloaded constantly. While most need someone to help them see what's going on inside of themselves, I've been able to see on my own. It's a blessing and a curse because I've not yet been able to activate it in the way God desires for it to be used. Right now I'm still using it mostly in selfish manners...when I finally grow through this and come out of it on the other side...my full potential will begin to be realized...full throttle...I am in a time of battle, growing...and I know it's going to be rough. I have to keep an open mind, you're right...I'm trying.

 

[madison1101]

I find it interesting that you would think you have little to learn in therapy. I have been in therapy for twenty years, and am constantly learning about myself. Part of therapy, for me, is working through transference of my relationships from childhood. I also learn to change my behavior, and constantly work on changing that.

At 21, you have a whole lot to learn. I first began therapy at 32, and I had no clue what therapy involved. Your therapy journey is just beginning.

If you cannot afford to continue with this counselor, seek counseling at your college. That should be available to you.

Also, remember, that AA is always free.

 

[Mayflower1]

I don't have the money for outpatient. When the year ends, it ends. It's that simple. I can only gain so much anyway. I've been to numerous counselors in my life so far. I've not learned much from them. What I've learned, I've taught myself. I've picked up on "unconscious" thoughts, noticed trends in my lifestyle, drug use, mood, etc. I don't know all the answers. I don't know why I drink, sometimes I don't think there needs to be a reason...I just do it. I don't know how to stop myself...and I think there's no way I can ever stop myself. I have to rely on God for that. I don't hate relying on others as much any more. I'm learning. I'm learning it with a friend who has to learn the same lesson. We are strengthening one another. I'm not giving up...I can't. I know God wants to use me for big things, I know He wants me to live a great life because He wants to bless me and love me. He doesn't want me to live this sick sad life. I'm learning things daily...but God gave me the one thing I asked for when I was a kid...wisdom. I prayed, and he responded...it didn't take long...a few years and wisdom was being downloaded constantly. While most need someone to help them see what's going on inside of themselves, I've been able to see on my own. It's a blessing and a curse because I've not yet been able to activate it in the way God desires for it to be used. Right now I'm still using it mostly in selfish manners...when I finally grow through this and come out of it on the other side...my full potential will begin to be realized...full throttle...I am in a time of battle, growing...and I know it's going to be rough. I have to keep an open mind, you're right...I'm trying.

Main Exception, God made Solomon the wisest man on earth. and yet he still had much to learn.You are so right. Relying on God is the only way you are going to be able to overcome this. You are right. NEVER give up. God does want to use you for great and mighty things. He already is. keep praying for wisdom, guidance, deliverance. You will in Jesus name, become free. Just keep fighting. Don't give up. Do whatever you need to do to keep you hoping and living, and one day, you will wake up and you will realize, hey... I love myself now. I love my life now...

 

[TheMainException]

Trish: I've been receiving counseling from my college since my freshman year and I've received therapy from other counselors and I learned very little. I'm not saying I have nothing to learn...I learn from many people and I do gain stuff from therapy...that's why I continue to go, but from the way the woman was talking to me at the assessment, and how much I learn from myself from simply paying attention and working on my own thoughts and tracking my behaviors, I basically assess myself daily. While many people cannot see themselves without feedback, I have double talk constantly ticking through my head...warring with my own thoughts and ideas constantly dueling it out.

Guys, I am never done learning, never done receiving, and never done growing. Every day I grow, every day I battle, every day I pray for my own heart, soul, and mind to see the truth, accept the truth, and bow down to the truth, no longer accepting lies and falsities...

 

[madison1101]

Trish: I've been receiving counseling from my college since my freshman year and I've received therapy from other counselors and I learned very little. I'm not saying I have nothing to learn...I learn from many people and I do gain stuff from therapy...that's why I continue to go, but from the way the woman was talking to me at the assessment, and how much I learn from myself from simply paying attention and working on my own thoughts and tracking my behaviors, I basically assess myself daily. While many people cannot see themselves without feedback, I have double talk constantly ticking through my head...warring with my own thoughts and ideas constantly dueling it out.

Guys, I am never done learning, never done receiving, and never done growing. Every day I grow, every day I battle, every day I pray for my own heart, soul, and mind to see the truth, accept the truth, and bow down to the truth, no longer accepting lies and falsities...

Main,
It is good that you are able to access counseling from the college you attend. That is a plus in your favor. Stay open to learning about yourself. One of the things that a therapist can do for you, that most of us are unable to do for ourselves, is to be able to cut through the denial and B...S... that we tend to feed ourselves. I need constantly to have my therapist challenge my distorted thinking and denial over and over again. That is something I could not do before I started therapy. Now, most of the time, I can catch myself in the beginning of saying something to him, and realize what I am saying.

Hang in there. Keep your eyes wide open and pray for the Lord to help you see the Truth when it is there.

Love,
Trish

 

[TheMainException]

I stopped going to a therapist a few years ago when I was traveling the world...but I stopped earlier than necessary because I was gaining no ground. Even now, we gain no ground. I'm hoping a different counselor with different training will provide new insights...but even so, I break through my BS by talking with myself and writing and spending time with my friends who know what's going on in my life. In reviewing some of the stuff I've written in my childhood and simply thinking about my past 21 years, I've been gaining a lot of insight. My need for connection, a father who actually acted like he loved me and wasn't an alcoholic, my desire for love, friends who actually did things for me instead of me crawling through thick and thin to get them everything they needed and doing the best for them without ever receiving anything in return etc etc.

One of the reasons I write so often on here is because I know I talk a lot of nonsense. I know that a lot of the stuff I write is absolutely bonkers...and is going no where. It's often just junk that I don't know what to do with and the best way for me to get stuff out is to write it down. Therapy helps me less because I have so much trouble actually saying words. I've come a long way since my first therapy session in high school. I can articulate things much better than I used to and my anxiety has faded relatively well. Even so, writing is still my cure...and maybe that's not the right word...but writing is like skipping a complicated step that I have trouble with. Therapists would rather talk it out...writing it out helps me more than anything. Thankfully my therapist allows for that because she is so busy now that she doesn't always have time for sessions (and neither do I). So, this is working.

 

[RuthD]

The Lord is with you TME. I am praying for you. God bless you.

 

[TheMainException]

Yea...my drinking friends...I don't think they really care about me as a friend...it's a waste....