Extremely devastated

[Lady Bug]

I don't where to start. I just don't know. All I know is that those who know I lost a friend months ago (we haven't spoken for months) and who have gotten impatient with me being unable to get over it (if that is true) will cringe but there's no way on God's green earth that I cannot talk about this. NO way.

He and I managed to talk to one another on Skype last night (he somehow didn't delete me from there, but I hadn't been on there in months). He refuses to tell me ANYTHING what I did wrong to destroy the friendship. He won't talk to me about it whatsoever. In the beginning of the conversation, I had asked him if he had anything against me he said no, but if that's the case, why won't he tell me why he and I can't be friends? I asked him towards the end, when I realized that he wouldn't say anything, if I'll always have to wonder what I did and he said I guess.

I gently asked him if he would keep me on Skype anyway and he did say yes and he hasn't deleted me but heck...it's kind of pointless when he has an axe to grind with me for "no" reason.

Apparently I have done something so terrible that it is seemingly unforgivable and he doesn't want to be friends, but is absolutely adamant in not saying what it is. I don't even have a CLUE what the heck is going on.

I was so devastated about this that (you may make fun of me for this) that I thread up my ENTIRE supper afterward.

If I'm a terrible person that has done an unforgivable thing then fine. But you know, if someone were to apologize to ME after hurting ME deeply, although I'd still be angry, I'd forgive.

 

[Catherineanne]

I don't where to start. I just don't know. All I know is that those who know I lost a friend months ago (we haven't spoken for months) and who have gotten impatient with me being unable to get over it (if that is true) will cringe but there's no way on God's green earth that I cannot talk about this. NO way.

He and I managed to talk to one another on Skype last night (he somehow didn't delete me from there, but I hadn't been on there in months). He refuses to tell me ANYTHING what I did wrong to destroy the friendship. He won't talk to me about it whatsoever. In the beginning of the conversation, I had asked him if he had anything against me he said no, but if that's the case, why won't he tell me why he and I can't be friends? I asked him towards the end, when I realized that he wouldn't say anything, if I'll always have to wonder what I did and he said I guess.

I gently asked him if he would keep me on Skype anyway and he did say yes and he hasn't deleted me but heck...it's kind of pointless when he has an axe to grind with me for "no" reason.

Apparently I have done something so terrible that it is seemingly unforgivable and he doesn't want to be friends, but is absolutely adamant in not saying what it is. I don't even have a CLUE what the heck is going on.

I was so devastated about this that (you may make fun of me for this) that I thread up my ENTIRE supper afterward.

First of all, this.

Second of all, you cannot keep a friendship from one side only. At some point you may have to let go of this one, and it is very sad if that is the case, but it may be true.

Something like this happened to me some years ago in relation to a good friend, who refused to be reconciled. I left it a few weeks, and then called him again, and said, if this really is over, then fine. But I love you, and I think our friendship is worth fighting for, and this is me fighting for it. Now it is up to you.

He decided that he also did not want to lose the friendship, but it could have gone either way. I have to say, though, that any friendship ebbs and flows; no relationship can stay the same forever. Either it grows and becomes closer, or else it fades gradually, over time.

So, about this current situation; of course you are devastated; you have every right to be. You do not have closure, you do not have information, you are left in doubt and confusion about a situation that you do not understand. No wonder you are left wrong footed and feeling so uncertain and so troubled; anyone would be.

I think you may need to give yourself some time, and focus on those around you, and your remaining friends, for a time. If this friendship eventually mends, then fine, and if not, then at least you will have other support in place. Either way, bear in mind that a friend who is hurting does not have the right to hurt you in turn. We all do this, from time to time, but it is never right. Your friend is out of order, in other words. However, the less said about that, the better. Even with this disagreement, I suspect you don't want to hear anything said against your friend.

Meanwhile, talk all you want. Grief is a very difficult process, and you are grieving for your friend. If you have to talk for ten years, or twenty, or thirty, then talk away. Good friends will understand, and will listen, for as long as it takes.

God be with you.

 

[_Shannon_]

Why do you even want someone like that in your life? Obviously if he can't communicate effectively, there's not any hope of an actual friendship.

 

[loved33]

sorry you feel so devastated.

i think you are very loyal and committed to people you love....you have a big loyal faithful heart.

it strikes me though that you don't see that his not wanting to talk about it....isn't necessarily it being your fault.

you have assumed all of that.

you have assumed you have done something so terrible to him....but you have no idea of what...

he hasn't said you have done anything wrong.

to him....he is probably just learning some new stuff about himself.


when he was closer to you...he was learning new stuff then too.


but life isn't static.


some people we are friends with....will want to remain friends.....and others...in order to grow and be their full height ....will need to leave off...and go elsewhere....sometimes for a while....sometimes for good.


that is a fact of life.

it isnt about you.


i once had a friend who went through something awful, and i supprted her throughout the wholw horrible ordeal.....then out of the blue she wanted to have nothing more to do with me.....i was so upset ...i like you went to ask her ...why?...and she was honest and said......i hate myself for going through all of that....and you remind me of that period of mu life ....you havent done anything...but i want to forget myself and move on from that'


i was so so upset. we had been friends for years.

but.....it was what she needed to do.


i could understand it....amidst my own disappointment and feeling hurt.


it wasn't anybody's fault...it was just a necassary thing for her to continue to live and grow .


i'm sharing this just to illustrate how much it so probably isnt you.......but you are dealing with a guy...not a woman....


a guy is never going to say....i need to find out about myself in a new place.....

a guy is not going to ever want to make you cry...so won't admit he is wanting to leave.....because at his heart ...he doesn't want to hurt you.....


so instead...he does nothing.....

which for you hurts like hell.

nothing and non communication is a scourge to a human heart.

we were built for relationship.


but a relationship needs two willing participants hey?


and he isn't willing right now.....for reasons unknown


i do believe you would know if you had done something...you would know it


but you haven't


he's gone to be where he needs to be, right now.


be careful that you don't , in your heart , be trying to 'make ' him a lifelong constant companion....when that isn't what he is offering.


it would be so much easier if he d talk to you about why...but from my own experience with guys....they just hate to get too deep into stuff.....they by nature are more programmed towards 'doing stuff' than ' talking about stuff'


that's not to say that many men don't chat.....im just saying there's a lot who run a mile when a good chat is needed.


it s never nice to suddenly find someone gone...it s crappy to be honest....but people are at varying degrees of emotional maturity.....so....it can be pretty crappy how they handle 'endings'.


you 'd be wise to get on with ending it yourself....find your own ending for this....but im not sure you are ready to do that ....you are grieving .....and that will be the shape it need to be for you....until you want to get outta there.


sorry ...its a very painful business love....at times....isnt it?

 

[laurine]

I agree with what loved has said.
Its NOT your fault. You have so much to offer my dear.Take sometime away from this person and concentrate on your self and other friends.

 

[Lady Bug]

thank you for your support.

I had a very, very similar experience with another friend I lost many years ago (but happened to gain back - even though we otherwise have parted ways). I felt exactly the same as I do now - even suicidal - but the difference is that I didn't have a support base like CF and I wasn't a Christian - I hadn't found God.

I think I know what could have happened...what if...oh dear...

Sometimes I have written threads at this forum about this person, rendering him nameless.

An online friend of his who doesn't post here (who is a rather conservative Christian) knew from awhile back that I post on a Christian forum (this one) and I told her once who I am here (username wise) and I told her a long time ago what the forum was (before things went awry with him) and maybe...he got wind of this from her, and saw posts here by me and got angry because he thought that the posts were about him?

Why do I feel that it is this?

No one here would even KNOW who he is. He doesn't post here.

 

[loved33]

maybe you need to get some therapy over this issue of loss that you have.

it seems to be deeper for you and you struggle to find a resting place for your own inner self.....
...the ones who leave seem to be given major control over you in your own head ..your thinking, your time, your emotions .

every time i read a post you write, i always see the ' i miss mom's meatballs'.

and i feel for you.

maybe the issue of loss feels so great with anybody you lose....because you have feelings of loss there....so on a trigger of one person leaving....it all comes up....but you think its only this person that has left that is the problem?

maybe?

i don't know, just an idea.

maybe you you would benefit from some therapy.


if you cut your finger...you can put a band aid on it.

if you break a leg....you need proffessionals to help you set it right again , you can't do that for yourself.


some things, emotional ,we go through...are cause for a need of professional help.


it can make all the difference.


i make a connection with your missing your mom every time you speak about this....i think of that.

today i decided id say it out loud.


once again, sweet lady, im sorry it hurts so much right now.

 

[miss-a]

Or maybe you didn't do anything wrong at all. Maybe his behavior has nothing to do with anything you did. People are strange and complex. I'm sorry this situation has been so hard on you. But please do consider that his behavior may have nothing to do with yours.

Praying for you,
a

 

[aflower4God]

Hi there my dear sweet loving sister. First a ((((((BIG HUG)))))))))) to you and for your pain.
Please don't beat yourself up about this please, are such a precious lady and I agree with Miss-A, it may be all him not you.
Miss-A is right people can be so strange and complex. Just please be so kind to yourself you are such a lovly person and a good friend you have so many here who love you dearly and would be devisated if something happened to you, I know that I would be devistated.
Praying for you my dear sweet loving sister. God bless you and LOTS OF LOVE to you (((((((((((BIG HUGS)))))))))))))

 

[Winter]

Forgive my language, but now he's being a knuckle-head at this point. Seriously. Its not you LB. Its him. He's getting a huge ego high by having you suffer in this way. He would do this to others I suspect, it has nothing to do with you. In no way would I want to be friends with someone like that. Thank the Lord he is not your active friend right now. You don't need that. You are worth more.

There are plenty of folks out there that would appreciate your friendship. But still ... I know it hurts. You have a grieving heart and grief takes awhile to heal. Give yourself that time. (((hugs))) Praying for you LB .....

 

[Winter]

And Miss-A gives some very good advice. Listen to her!

 

[FaithPrevails]

I don't where to start. I just don't know. All I know is that those who know I lost a friend months ago (we haven't spoken for months) and who have gotten impatient with me being unable to get over it (if that is true) will cringe but there's no way on God's green earth that I cannot talk about this. NO way.

He and I managed to talk to one another on Skype last night (he somehow didn't delete me from there, but I hadn't been on there in months). He refuses to tell me ANYTHING what I did wrong to destroy the friendship. He won't talk to me about it whatsoever. In the beginning of the conversation, I had asked him if he had anything against me he said no, but if that's the case, why won't he tell me why he and I can't be friends? I asked him towards the end, when I realized that he wouldn't say anything, if I'll always have to wonder what I did and he said I guess.

I gently asked him if he would keep me on Skype anyway and he did say yes and he hasn't deleted me but heck...it's kind of pointless when he has an axe to grind with me for "no" reason.

Apparently I have done something so terrible that it is seemingly unforgivable and he doesn't want to be friends, but is absolutely adamant in not saying what it is. I don't even have a CLUE what the heck is going on.

I was so devastated about this that (you may make fun of me for this) that I thread up my ENTIRE supper afterward.

If I'm a terrible person that has done an unforgivable thing then fine. But you know, if someone were to apologize to ME after hurting ME deeply, although I'd still be angry, I'd forgive.

From what you've shared - whether you did something to justify his behavior or not - it sounds like he is being passive aggressive about whatever it is that is bothering him.

If it is something valid, you deserve to be told. Especially if you are flat out asking to be told - and apologizing even if you don't know what it was you did in the first place.

I'm sorry that he is causing you so much heartache and grief right now. All I can offer is this - you have done your part to try and repair the problem (whatever it is/if there is one) and you have apologized. You can't control his response, nor are you responsible for his response. He needs to choose to do the right thing.

My PM box is always open for you. &

 

[Chococat]

I am so sorry to hear about your friend. However he is being very unfair to you by not telling you why he no longer wants to be friends. I had an online friend who used to give me the "silent treatment" sometimes for apparently no reason. It used to really upset me. Personally I'd rather have someone yelling at me than doing that. Being yelled at would be very upsetting but at least I would know where I stood!!! I can totally relate to your pain as I have lost friendships in the past (partly my own fault) and it does hurt. People say "just let go" but it's not as easy as that because you've invested time, maybe even years into the relationship and you can't just forget it in about 10 seconds or even a few days. The friend that gave me that advice was right in a sense but "letting go" takes time. I think it would probably help for you to talk to a counsellor as it did for me. Also pray for your exfriend and ask God to give you strength to forgive him. I hope this helps.