extreme obsessive fears about not being a true Christian; being evil; hell etc

[abovetheclouds]

Hi.I'm ALWAYS and I mean, CONSTANTLY, needing reassurance that I'm savaved. I have many Psychiatric issues- Borderline PD, Munchausens, self harm, Histrionic PD and PTSD and also Scrupulous OCD. I used to be actually housebound because of my rituals. Now I just get obsessive and intrusive thoughts and constant checking for reassurance. I ask Christians always “ask God if I'm truly saved?” Constantly
Since becoming a Christian I have developed an extreme fear of Hell and worry if I fall short of 100 per cent obediemce that I am doomed. I always have doubted salvartion and from age of 7 hated God because my Christian parents were abusive and harsh at times. I was exposed to many teachings which caused me guilt. Then I became a believer age 24 (inow well into my 30s)I desire to please God but I became burned out.
Constantly I hear voices from God telling me I'm not really His child and this has obsessed me to the point where I haven't been eating or sleeping or taking care of myself. The cycles go on for weeks sometimes. I have intrusive and blasphemous thoughts which I have been diagnosed as Religious type OCD causing me to curse the Holy Spirit constantly.
But now I panic over whether I will lose salvation for watching TV or rreading secular books. I feel guilty about soing anything that isn't religious. And also resentdul because for me TV and books are a coping strategy that keep me stable.
God told me to do so many things I can't do. To give up all secular entertainment and fast etc and I'm struggling.
Also I keep hearing the words Hell and Judgement in my mind. I feel doomed constantly. Is all this worry just another form of Scrupulous OCD or is God judging me or convicting me?
I have had since 2009 a deep sense that I am evil and really a child of the devil. Its true I have many sins and demons due to abuse and past sin. I often hear God telling me I'm faking being ill or abused and that I'm making excuses. I question and doubt everything about myself. Even facts about my life. I also keep hearing the word WITCHCRAFT in my brain. I don't know what to do as I been told Psychology is a false religion and if I didt stop it I'd go to Hell. Deep inside I believe I'm a Tare amongst the wheat

 

[abovetheclouds]

Oh and I forget to add that I feel a strong urge to make restitution to everyone I hurt. I used to be a compulsive liar and I also stole so I have done a lot of bad things that nobody even knows about. Lately I've been obsessed with idea that God wants me to confess and I will go to Hell of I don't because then I won't have repented properly. Trouble is I know I'm not strong enough to confess and I would end up losing my home most likely. With a history of abuse I'd have nowhere to go if that happened. And medical issues mean I can't be on the streets as I need special diet and medication for insulin resistance caused by PCOS.
I am obsessed that I will go to Hell for being disobedient in this one area. I've heard that one act of disobedience can keep us out of heaven. I keep needing reassurance of salvation constantly. I go up for every altar call and also keep asking for words of prophecy. I got kicked out of a FB group for asking for words. They told me I had a Jezebel demon and was just doing it for attention. But I really was having panic attacks daily and almost committed suicide.

 

[Jayamashey]

Hi,

I don't have ROCD, but as a fellow OCD sufferer, I understand how OCD really causes you to doubt yourself and everything you stand for. Hopefully someone with R-OCD will comment with suggestions that have helped them, but in the meantime remember to tell yourself its just your OCD that is telling you these things. And take heart that we don't earn God's love. Its a gift to us that cannot be removed by anything or anyone (Romans 8:39).

 

[Bananagator]

Hi there,

If there's one thing you can be sure of, it's that God loves you.
It sounds like what you're going through is definitely OCD, and while I know that isn't new or helpful information in any way, you have to try and remind yourself that that's what is going on - just like Jayamashey said.

Of course, that's obviously easier said than done. But the number one thing that CLEARLY indicates that you aren't an evil person is that you feel so incredibly guilty about all of this. That's what intrusive thoughts do; they put thoughts in your head that you wouldn't otherwise have. They play on some of your greatest fears and make you think that they are becoming reality.


From my own experience, realizing that these thoughts are just your obsessive compulsive disorder speaking to you is the first step to getting them under control.

My methods of OCD handling might not work for everyone because mine has never been extremely severe, but I'll share with you anyway.
- The first is distract yourself. I picked a little song that I learned in my childhood and I would literally just shout it inside my head every time I'd feel my mind start to slide in a direction I didn't want it to go. The song itself is rather silly and it's always made me happy, so it'd distract me from any unpleasant thoughts.
- The second thing I'd do is just develop a sort of "whatever" attitude about the thoughts. If something pops into my head, I'm just like "Alright OCD, whatever. Are you finished?" and just go about my business as if it never happened. The one thing I basically hear all the time about curing OCD is that you don't make the thoughts go away. The key is learning to control them, and acceptance that you are indeed having these thoughts is the first step.

Please keep in mind that I'm definitely not an expert on controlling OCD and everyone's symptoms manifest differently. If you find that either of the things I mentioned aren't helping you at all, please don't get discouraged or think that there's something wrong. You just need to find another way to cope that works for you.


One of the most important and/or helpful things you can do is pray for God to help you through this. Everyone has a cross to bear in this life, and He will help you to carry it.

 

[abovetheclouds]

Thank you both so much. GoingBananas I love the idea of a song. I think I might try that song.

 

[James Is Back]

I'm going through the same thing myself. Doubting that I'm truly a Christian and my heart isn't with God.

It's awful. This started back in 2007 and for maybe for 6-7 years I was fine but now it's rear it's ugly head again and I'm upset to the point I was in tears and had to console with my mother on this issue.

 

[abovetheclouds]

I relate James Is Back. I can't talk to family because of the history there but I do try find consolation from my church and on here. Left alone with these thoughts is dangerous. I bought a new guinea pig yesterday after losing my other two in the summer. They had helped so much so I'm hoping this little pet will distract me again.
People told me concentrate on God alone instead of animals but that was hard. I tried and I tried. I feel I failed

 

[Ribosome]

Hi abovetheclouds,

It made me sad to read your post, I can relate to your pain. For years I've had a lot of obsessions about salvation and hell... I was suffering hell on earth similar to what you've described.

I was exposed to really conservative Christian theology right at the time of my conversion, and was brainwashed into a worldview similar to yours. In my case, it was reformed theology (Calvinism). I heard them say a million times about how dedicated and obedient a christian must be to prove to himself that he is in fact saved. After years of suffering and some experience, I realized the nonsense of their teaching. It is only good to make one feel guilty and afraid of hell, and then to force that person to do good works out of fear of hell.

Honestly I can rant on and on about the evils of the theologies out there in Christendom.

Thing is, this stuff is not only destructive to mentally stable people, but it's a lot worse for us fragile mentally ill people.

I would encourage you to ask yourself a question, is the God you were taught to believe a good and loving God? Is he still good if he makes you suffer so much just to save yourself? That you have to work and force yourself to be a good person to prove to yourself you are saved, or to do good works to earn your salvation? Both are works salvation, and only lead to misery.

My agony with assurance of salvation led me to study soteriology a bit. I learned about the various beliefs out there in Christianity about what one has to do to be saved. When I got a glimpse of the bigger picture, I saw that everyone believes different things, old views die, new ones appear. Eventually I became a Christian universalist. I now believe that everyone is going to heaven, and there is nothing one has to do to get saved. That gives me peace now, because I don't have to work up a faith or any good works. To me, faith is a work too... a cognitive work. Now that I know God did all the work for me, I can relax, no more need to be perfect, I can even sin on purpose for fun if I wanted to and my salvation wont change. A good God would take care of us when it comes to eternity, and do for us what we can't do for ourselves... he would not leave the decision of eternal life on us finite and limited human beings (especially those with damaged brains like us OCD people). I believe by his work Christ saved the world, and we are all safe.

 

[Ribosome]

**deleted my double-post**

 

[lyndseyb]

Hello,
I suffer from OCD and have gone through this. I am still going through this to a certain extent.
I was driven to despair by it to the point where I feared for my sanity and so did my family. I remember just laying there, being too scared to do anything, to scared to even eat or drink. It was terrible. But you know what?
It brought me to a place where all that was left to do was trust in God completely. To trust in his forgiveness and mercy.
I know I lacked trust before and I still do to but I feel more free now than I did before.

I like this way of looking at it:

Indeed, for the committed Christian, OCD represents a rare opportunity for spiritual growth. Martin Luther remarked that without his severe trials
(we would now call them OCD) he would not have been able “to understand Scripture, faith, the fear or the love of God” or “the meaning of hope.” The therapy of trust, furthermore, provides a direct way for us to please God. Another famous OCDer, the Catholic Saint, Therese of Lisieux, put this clearly. By the end of her life, she had no interest other than glorifying God through her trust in him. “What pleases God,” she writes in a letter to her sister, “is the blind hope that I have in his mercy.

I tried it my way by trying to surpess the blasphemous thoughts and I failed miserably. In fact, I just made it worse and more thoughts popped up.
Anything you read about Scrupulosity will tell you this. Suppressing thoughts makes them worse. Ignoring them is difficult because they feel too awful to just ignore but that is where the trust comes in.
Think about it this way, if I gave into the thoughts I would do nothing but lay there scared and crying and that isn't glorifying God or strengthening my faith or trust in him in any way is it?

I will pray for peace for you.