Exploding

[SpartanElite]

I am 20 years old. Last week was the one year anniversary of my mother's brutal death. She died last year, of suffocation after an operation went wrong. Not only that, but everything in my life that I've ever wanted has been taken from me, and/or ruined. From relationships with women, to friendships, to hobbies, to myself. I also may be dying of the same disease my mother had, which I will not know unil I am tested for it next month. I've been on many different medications. I've been put in a psychiatric hospital twice. Lately, my depression has come to anger, which has come to rage, which has come to hatred. Hatred of everything. Hatred of myself, hatred of the world and people around me, hatred of my circumstances, hatred of a God who never helps me from the hurt that I'm in. I feel it growing every moment of every day. When I was younger I was able to deal with my anger in healthy constructive ways, but now I find when things get bad, or people hurt me, the only thing I can do to get the rage out of me is to punch a wall or object, until my fist is bleeding all over. I find myself feeling like I am going to explode, from all the depression or pain, and I don't know what to do anymore. I feel scared and hopeless. I feel God has abandoned me, or that God is not even real or kind/loving for letting this be done to me. I sure don't just sit there and do nothing, I've listened to my doctors, pray, read the Bible, workout every day, try to have fun, but I feel like I'm dead inside and going to explode. I don't mean to sound as if I'm whining by posting this, but I'm in a lot of pain, and I want someone to listen.

 

[goldenviolet]

God bless you hun. you aren't whining. reaching out is wisdom. letting others share your burdens is right.
get it all out. the first step of healling is getting your grief and anger out. just slow down a wee bit to battle these things, not yourself. i'm dee. i will be praying for blessings over you.

 

[Im-revived]

Hey listen love, this is good youve actually managed to put your feelings and emotions down, it does help at times, and you have been through an awful lot, so its not suprising how you feel. Youve got fears, hurts, past emotions, anger and many other emotions. This is only a suggesstion as you say you tend to thump walls etc when you feel at your worse, and it may sound silly, but I did it when I was in my teens, to cause less injury to yourself in lashing out at walls, get yourself a pair of cheap boxing gloves and a punch ball, I found it very helpful. Thats just a suggestion!

What I do want you to remember though Love is God loves you, however you feel about yourself, and behind all the emotions hes got a wonderful plan for you. Don't give up on him, hes there OK and he knows what your facing. God Bless

Im-revived

I am 20 years old. Last week was the one year anniversary of my mother's brutal death. She died last year, of suffocation after an operation went wrong. Not only that, but everything in my life that I've ever wanted has been taken from me, and/or ruined. From relationships with women, to friendships, to hobbies, to myself. I also may be dying of the same disease my mother had, which I will not know unil I am tested for it next month. I've been on many different medications. I've been put in a psychiatric hospital twice. Lately, my depression has come to anger, which has come to rage, which has come to hatred. Hatred of everything. Hatred of myself, hatred of the world and people around me, hatred of my circumstances, hatred of a God who never helps me from the hurt that I'm in. I feel it growing every moment of every day. When I was younger I was able to deal with my anger in healthy constructive ways, but now I find when things get bad, or people hurt me, the only thing I can do to get the rage out of me is to punch a wall or object, until my fist is bleeding all over. I find myself feeling like I am going to explode, from all the depression or pain, and I don't know what to do anymore. I feel scared and hopeless. I feel God has abandoned me, or that God is not even real or kind/loving for letting this be done to me. I sure don't just sit there and do nothing, I've listened to my doctors, pray, read the Bible, workout every day, try to have fun, but I feel like I'm dead inside and going to explode. I don't mean to sound as if I'm whining by posting this, but I'm in a lot of pain, and I want someone to listen.

 

[madison1101]

Sweetie, I am so sorry you had to lose your mother in a tragic way. That is a difficult pain. I lost my father when I was your age, so I understand that sense of loss. I also understand that rage and being angry at God when it seems He is not there.

What I do know is that God is loving you and is there for you. He did not orchestrate your suffering, but lovingly permitted it for a greater purpose than we can understand. As I am suffering through some stuff right now, my friend is exhorting me that God is with me during this, andHe is seeing me through it. So, I share that with you to let you know that God loves you and is with your through this. He is strengthening you and holding you up in His hand.

Get yourself a pillow, a big body size pillow. Lay down with it and punch it all over when you are upset. Scream and cry and let it all out. Then, just collapse on it, and let the rest and sleep take over. You won't hurt your body.

Also, God can handle our anger and it's okay to pray and let Him know you are angry and don't understand what has happened in your life. He understands it.

Hugs,
Trish

 

[Tubachick]

Spartan, I will be praying for you. Godspeed!!!

 

[inHisgripkim]

I am 20 years old. Last week was the one year anniversary of my mother's brutal death. She died last year, of suffocation after an operation went wrong. Not only that, but everything in my life that I've ever wanted has been taken from me, and/or ruined. From relationships with women, to friendships, to hobbies, to myself. I also may be dying of the same disease my mother had, which I will not know unil I am tested for it next month. I've been on many different medications. I've been put in a psychiatric hospital twice. Lately, my depression has come to anger, which has come to rage, which has come to hatred. Hatred of everything. Hatred of myself, hatred of the world and people around me, hatred of my circumstances, hatred of a God who never helps me from the hurt that I'm in. I feel it growing every moment of every day. When I was younger I was able to deal with my anger in healthy constructive ways, but now I find when things get bad, or people hurt me, the only thing I can do to get the rage out of me is to punch a wall or object, until my fist is bleeding all over. I find myself feeling like I am going to explode, from all the depression or pain, and I don't know what to do anymore. I feel scared and hopeless. I feel God has abandoned me, or that God is not even real or kind/loving for letting this be done to me. I sure don't just sit there and do nothing, I've listened to my doctors, pray, read the Bible, workout every day, try to have fun, but I feel like I'm dead inside and going to explode. I don't mean to sound as if I'm whining by posting this, but I'm in a lot of pain, and I want someone to listen.

Keep on posting here and keep us up on how you are doing. This is a good place to come for support and prayer. You have endured alot. I can't imagine what you are going through. It hurts me to see you suffer so. I wish I could reach right through this Forum and give you a big hug.

Are you eating right and getting proper nutrition. I know you run, but, if you don't have the proper nutrition, the running can do more harm than good.

Try a natural multivitamin, buffered C, B-Complex, Amino Acid complex, and L-Triptophan. Make sure you are eating healthy.

In the meantime, we are here for you and we are praying for you.

Be gentle with yourself,
Kim