Explaination Please?

[rwl]

Maybe it's because I'm older but I've always been afraid that if I make the first move, the guy might think I'm 'loose' or something.

Ya know... it's sad but many guys would probably look at it that way. Not that your 'loose' exactly but definitely the opposite of prude. It's not the act either. Just the ego of the guy taking it as "Yeah, she wants me".

However I know that letting the woman make the first move sure does cut down on *alot* of the problems run into with nerves and such.

 

[caitlincares]

Ya know... it's sad but many guys would probably look at it that way. Not that your 'loose' exactly but definitely the opposite of prude. It's not the act either. Just the ego of the guy taking it as "Yeah, she wants me".

However I know that letting the woman make the first move sure does cut down on *alot* of the problems run into with nerves and such.

I would think the guy would think we would become to controlling in the relationship if we were the one to ask.
Especially if it is someone you really do not know.

Having said that I have a type A personality.
I have no problem letting a guy know I am interested.
So he does not have to wonder.

In college there was this guy I was really into.
I used the excuse of having him come with me to have my car looked at it as an excuse to go out to eat in payment of his willingness to do that.
He was as ignorant as me about cars but the thought was having a man with me the garage would not try to tell me all kinds of unnecessary repairs.
He could not go out to eat that night but took a raincheck which we did follow thru on later.
I also sent this guy a tickler bouquet at his professional workplace.
I do not remember why - maybe for his birthday.
He said he was surprised but thanked me for it.

Then there is this other dear guy friend who we have both had feelings for each other at different times.
I have proposed to him twice - partly joking - mostly not.
I do this to remind him it is always a possibility - it is on the table.
He never says yes - but he never says no.
He is very sweet about it because he makes sure I know he is okay with the thought.

I could not be as forward as this with someone I hardly knew.

 

[Sign Of The Fish Burger]

Ok well let's see what my brain can mush up here to answer this questions, and to some of the stuff I have seen in this thread.

I am certainly one of those girls that often times wonders, why arnt there any decent Christian men out there. Just as I hear my guy friends ask the same thing about girls. I think it is very hard to find a man or woman of the Lord with real integrity. Its hard to find in alot of men (and women). I dont want this to seem like a one way argument, because its clearly a two way street. And anyone who fails to recoginze that, probally shouldnt be dating anyways.

The initial reason why I wanted to post in this thread, was because someone mentioned about their female friend who only wanted to go for the "strong" type or whatever. Oh and the comment about girls wanting someone who is rich, good looking dr, GQ esque, nuclear bomb making-save the world type guys... although there ARE girls out there, they are few. Those are the ones who just seem to be more vocal about what they want, or I donno I guess they are just the ones who draw the attention to themselves. (Have you ever thought about asking your female friends what they look for in a young christian man?)

But on the same note, there are MANY men out there (yes even christian men) who want the blond bombshell, tight body, big breasts etc etc etc etc. BOTH sexes are guilty for thinking/acting this way.

Someone also mentioned how most women under the age of 25 are only discovering who they are, and not who or what they want in a mate. Well that CERTAINLY goes for men too. I have met very few 21 year old men who really truely know who they are in Christ.

Um yah and someonme else had mentioned how their female friends always want to set them up with their friends, and the comment about well hes not good enough for me, but hes good enough for my friend who is desperate..... well let me say something about that.
My best friend, Tim. I LOVE him to death. I really really do. We contemplated the dating thing. But we didnt. I just didnt share teh same feelings as he did. Mostly because I knew God didnt want me in a relationshipo at that time. But I love tim dearly as my brother in christ. He is a strong man of integrity, strong man of God. Has the biggest heart of ministry, hes a very good looking man, hes fun, good sence of humour, basically everything I myself as a single christian young lady looks for in a guy. However, I would never date Tim, why? Because I know he isnt the one God wants for me. However, I am constanatly on the look out for a young christian woman who I would deem worthy enough to date him. So No, its not always because hes not good enough for me, so I will set him up with someone who is desperate.

Listen, Im single, I have been for wow almost 2 years now. (How depressing) Anyways, so us girls have this problem too. Have you ever thought that (and this is if you are truely following the leading of the Spirit) but have you ever thought that maybe you are single for a reason? Obviously if you are seeking the will of the Lord, then you are exactly where he watns you to be in the dating departement. Have youe ver thought about leaving this in God's hands, and trusting him to provide exactly what you want, in HIS time, when it will be best for both you and her? Whats the point of senseless dating anyways. I reccoment I kissed dating goodbye. I dont agree with alot of it, but there are some great points hemakes in it.

Anyways, I think the best thing is to relax, and trust God. He is in control.

 

[klewlis]

I think about 80% of the posts in this thread have been fueled by bitterness (and thus over-generalization). Take a step back, people! Relax, calm down, recognize that everyone is different and as sotf said, that God is in control.

And if you can't say something nice.... well, you know the rest.

 

[HoosierCanuck]

And if you can't say something nice.... well, you know the rest.

With that in mind....I'm waiting to be kicked off the boards.

 

[bkg]

My sister's room mate once told me... hmm - it was Valentines day, go figger... that I'm a guy-girl. I, of course looked at her with a perplexed, almost offended look and said "uh - I'm a whuh?"

Guy-girl, as defined by her and her friends (who have also said I'm this way): A guy who women feel very comfortable around; who can hang 'w/ the girls' in a non-threatening way; a guy who is "safe"... and often, the last guy the girls think about dating.

So, at the time I was a couple months post-divorce and had not yet decided to stand for my marriage, so my self esteem kind of tanked a bit as I realized that she was indeed correct; I'm a very safe guy who women will talk to about anything, but who will often not date for whatever reason.

So w/ a preplexed, slightly bummed look on my face, I responded with... "uh... oh". She proceeded to tell me it's a good thing - a very good thing. And no, we've never dated.

A lot of people have made comments about age, and I think there is a certain truth to that. At 18-25 we often have no idea who we are as a person, let a lone in Christ. And because of that, we don't know what we want in a partner, or what type of partner we want to be. I think this is very easily proven by looking at the divorce rates amongst Bible College students married during under-grad... It's extremely high (not faulting Bible Colleges here).

All that being said - if you are a guy-girl, or a girl-guy (or whatever) - remember that being yourself is much more important that being someone your friends will date. As frustrating as that may be at times, becoming someone else to make yourself more "attractive" to the opposite sex IMHO is a recipe for disaster...

 

[TheDatelessLoserX2]

I think about 80% of the posts in this thread have been fueled by bitterness.

I'll admit, I'm a little bit on the bitter side, its just that there is so little positive to draw from, I vent sometimes. The thing with generalization, is that its hard not to when the only experience you have on that subject is reinforced by that generalization. I also understand being single for a reason, and I have read both Josh Harris' books, but theres a difference between that, and being kicked around BECAUSE you are single. Maybe I'm just a moron. Anything is possible.

 

[Sascha Fitzpatrick]

I know that in a perfect world the guy SHOULD be doing the asking out of the girl - to install that 'headship' quality at the start.

Unfortunately, for many reasons, it is rare to find a guy who will jump in like this anymore. It usually takes a few weeks of umming and ahhing and 'what the heck is going on here' for any solid declaration to be made. AND usually, it's the girl who ends up asking (most girls are FAR more impatient than guys)... That hesitancy has usually got to do with a massive fear of rejection, girls giving mixed signals, and a general 'I'm not really sure if I'm making the right decision here...'

It's come to the stage, that if I feel the guy is giving me a run-around (you know - you feel he might like you, but nothing has been declared), I tend to either ask him outright or send him a little email stating 'I'm not sure if I'm reading this right, but I think you're interested, as am I, would you mind just letting me know what's going on'... and then I leave it for him to clear it up - works really well, believe it or not!

Some might call that 'taking the lead', but seriously - I don't have time to be sitting down waiting on this guy to make his mind up after 5-6 weeks of uncertainty - if I have to give him a subtle 'push' such as that - I don't mind. Most guys have actually appreciated it - I haven't 'stalked and pounced' as such, but rather let them know how I feel and asked for a definition...


And I think that the guys could also do this - if you believe you HAVE made your intentions fairly clear by your behaviour, and you can't read the girl properly - ask her! We REALLY (if we're nice and have been in an uncertain situation before) don't bite!

Would like to know how the guys (and girls) feel about approaching things this way...

Sasch

 

[Sascha Fitzpatrick]

ps - Read the boundaries books - very good for setting up a healthy relationship - I find it had a heck of a lot more workable behaviours in it than any of the Harris/Ludy books. Try them - just for another option!

 

[Amadeus]

I'm sorry caitlin, but I couldn't agree with you less. Girls can decide who they want to date by saying yes or no to a guy that asks her out. Us guys on the other hand, we risk the humiliation in order to get a date. Maybe its just me, but im sickened by the way girls treat guys...like their feelings dont matter.

Amen!

 

[MrsGnomeCrusher]

I'll admit, I'm a little bit on the bitter side, its just that there is so little positive to draw from, I vent sometimes.

You should be learning from your past experiences. That is a positive. Instead of being bitter, look at what and how something went wrong. Use it in the future. It can't be positive unless you make it that way.

And the people who say these things and relationships that don't work out . . . I understand these feelings, but looking back I can state that everything happened because of God's will. I thank Him because potential relationships/past relationships fell through or that guy DIDN'T like me when I wanted nothing more than for him to ask me out on a date.

As Klewlis stated, everyone is different. I think that unless you're out just for a physical relationship, to "hook up," then I'm going to say that the majority of the people (men and women) aren't going to find you (me or whomever) potential dating material.

 

[Stanfi]

You got me on a bad day:

Gals care a lot more about guys feelings than guys care about gals feelings.

This may be considered the norm, but there are self centered girls out there who could care less about a guys feelings, as long as their happy, who cares? Been there, done that? Watched her ride off on her broom.

 

[BallRmDChamp]

LOL that so made my day. Its so true. Not to bash females or anything, but they give conflicting info so often. Take this one girl for instance, she jumps on guys who are masculine "strong" types, and yet she wants one! Go figure!

Ain’t life funny? You know, I said in many cases they say conflicting things because they’re young and don’t know what they want, and I think that’s true for the majority, but you know, in some cases they say one thing because they know (or think they know) it’s what they’re supposed to say, even if it’s not really what they want. Let’s face it, it’s a very shallow, materialistic culture, and unfortunately that’s often characteristic of professing Christians as well. They not only want near physical perfection and financial success in a mate, they expect it because they feel entitled to it. But it’s still considered crude to just say so, and that also contributes to the, “why can’t I just find a decent Christian guy/girl” thing.

But on the subject of not thinking of a friend in that manner, don't people who are friends first generally make better couples? You would think that having that kind of foundation would make someone MORE attractive, not easier to pass over?

Again, different people think differently. To someone who’s concerned with special ‘chemistry’ or getting a certain feeling from interacting with someone they don’t know well but really ‘connect’ with in a special way, being friends first may not be a huge factor. I don’t know if that’s good or bad. But, yeah I know what you mean. I don’t know, and I don’t have much experience but I’ve thought about it a lot, and I think it’s best to get to know someone quite well as a friend by being around them in some context without the pressure being on to ask them on a date in order to do so. I’ve never dated or courted, but I’m definitely in favor of courtship, to the extent I understand it. Honestly, I don’t think dating is a good idea for Christians. For me, anyway, I know it isn’t.

I don't claim to be perfect, but I don't see anything wrong with me........ (that may be the problem). I'm not a jerk, or come off as overpowering, or anything that would normally get girls to write you off ( 4' 2" and 700 lbs or something like that, or unapproachable) but its almost like I was invisible.

Aww, then it sounds to me like you should just go about life, be yourself, be patient and trust God. If and when He has a girl for you, He’ll get you together, and you won’t be invisible. You’ll be all she sees.

Heck dating random guys off the internet sounded more appealing to them! AAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH!

LOL, cool! I’ll PM you my addy and you can pass it along. J/K

Maybe it's because I'm older but I've always been afraid that if I make the first move, the guy might think I'm 'loose' or something.

Yeah, you wouldn’t want to put that on top of short and weird

 

[HoosierCanuck]

Yeah, you wouldn’t want to put that on top of short and weird

hehe. No I wouldn't. At least with short and weird I still have SOME dignity! lol!

 

[carine]

Have you thought that maybe the girls get the impression you arent interested in them??? Often ladies do wait for the guy to approach them for a date even in this day and age. Guess you are lucky they like you as a friend and maybe its up to you to show if you are interested in one of them!!

 

[klewlis]

I'm sorry caitlin, but I couldn't agree with you less. Girls can decide who they want to date by saying yes or no to a guy that asks her out. Us guys on the other hand, we risk the humiliation in order to get a date. Maybe its just me, but im sickened by the way girls treat guys...like their feelings dont matter.

Are you serious???

*looks around*
Ladies, raise your hand if all you invest in potential relationships is to sit around and wait for guys to ask you out.

First of all, this is the 21st century. The guys are not the only ones doing the asking.

But even those girls who wait for the guy to ask invest a lot emotionally and personally into it. They also take risks, trying to get the guy to ask.

And we get crushed just as often and just as severely as you do.

 

[BallRmDChamp]

hehe. No I wouldn't. At least with short and weird I still have SOME dignity! lol!

Which is more than I can say, so bravo!