expecting someone to change...

[robert0801]

i am currently separated, but starting down the reconciliation path. we have been married for 26 years. i'm the one who left.

it's a known fact between my wife and i that she loves me more than i love her. it's not that i am holding back any love, or consciously trying not to love her more... my level of love for her just seems to be less than hers for me.

it's also a very hard sticking point for her.

the question is: how do we handle the situation where she loves me more than i love her. does putting the other person's needs first also include changing personality traits?

 

[sweetdarcy]

I definitely understand what you are saying. I've always said that my husband loves me much deeper than I love him. We both acknowledge it and he feels insecure because of it, but I don't know if I have the capacity to totally give my heart to someone like he has. I'm his whole world. So when I cheated on him, his whole world came crashing down. I guess maybe I don't want to be that vulnerable to someone so in case they cheat on me, it won't hurt so much. Still trying to figure it out.

 

[visionary]

Be ye content...

When you relax... it helps them relax
When you enjoy their company... they can enjoy yours..

Contentment brings about that peace that passes all understanding.

Rest in God's love... When you ask Him to give you love for your spouse.. your cup will overflow.

 

[~Lynz~]

i dont want to sound cruel but there must be a reason u dont love her as much as u should.

my husband didnt love me as much as he should have hence he left then it became very clear hat he was wanting to cheat on me and did cheat on me at some point.
i believe my husband stopped loving me because of his own guilt.

so i put it to your self. why do u not love her as much as u should. as she or u done something u shouldnt have cause u need to address that.

you should want to put ur wife before ur self. and if u cant do that then u shouldnt put u or ur wife through any more heart ace.


i know i dont sound very kind but i know how it to feels to be the un loved partner. and it hurts. and i dont want anyone to go through what i have.

 

[robert0801]

sweetdarcy: yes, it's very difficult to figure out.

visionary: i appreciate the reply, but since i'm not a religious person, to just "relax" and wait for everything to work out really puts a lot of strain on the relationship and just forces one to suppress ones feelings.

lynz: one of the worst feelings in the world is to be loved, and not be able to reciprocate at the same level. even though i'm giving 100% of the love i have for her, it never measures up, because she will always love me more.

everything she does, no matter how sweet, gets filtered through a "why don't i love her more" lens. guilt and resentment can build up on both sides.

 

[visionary]

visionary: i appreciate the reply, but since i'm not a religious person, to just "relax" and wait for everything to work out really puts a lot of strain on the relationship and just forces one to suppress ones feelings.

the only strain is one of your own making, expectations, demands unmet, and such. Never even talking about waiting for everything to work out. I was instead trying to change your focus from works to acceptance.

 

[robert0801]

I appreciate the clarification but I'm still unclear of what you're suggesting I do about the situation. I'm the person who has "less love" apparently. The expectations and unmet demands are being placed on me, not her.

 

[visionary]

My love plays with me, wants me, loves to talk to me, thinks of me... does yours want the same?

 

[Johnnz]

Often family background causes issues later in life. A warm, affectionate, expressive childhood will produce a person more skilled at relating than someone who had had the opposite.

John
NZ

 

[~Lynz~]

there is a diffrent between not wanting to love some one and not loving some one.

u need to love your wife as god loves the church.

if u want to love your wife with your whole being then u have to break down the wall thats stopping you for what ever reason that may be. u have to identify why you feel like u cant love her as much as u should. and u have to let it go. break down the wall and just love her with everything u are. what u got to lose if she loves u as much as she says she does? are u afraid of loing her or getting hurt?

 

[eatenbylocusts]

Provided that your spouse isn't a harmful person, you shouldn't have anything to lose by giving this marriage everything you have to save it and nourish it. This is what I learned when my parents went to Marriage Encounter about 30 years ago-Love is a decision. My parents returned from their weekend and started telling each other every morning "I'm going to love you today." They chose to love each other for life no matter what.

If you want to have a great marriage for the rest of your life, make the decision to love your wife and follow through with acts and words that reflect it. Find out what makes her feel loved and do those things every once in a while even if it isn't first nature for you. I don't think intensity of love is even an issue in marriage. They are your spouse so you love them, period and do the things necessary to make the marriage work.

Totally off topic, but I did pick up that you stated you weren't religious. I do admire the 26 yr marriage. That isn't seen often enough these days. Is your wife a Christian? There are many Biblical standards for marriage which wouldn't apply to you, but you still might gain some wisdom from. Even non-Christians don't dispute a lot of what is in Proverbs.

 

[DZoolander]

Well, I guess the first and most obvious question to me would be...

...is there a reason you love her less than she loves you? Do you find her physically unappealing or something? Is there something about her that causes you to have that kind of "lesser" feeling?

"?"

 

[ido]

I'm not even really sure how you measure how much you love each other. Is it measured through actions in your relationship? What first brought this to play in your relationship? How, then, was the idea that this was true reinforced in your relationship?

I think the first thing you would want to focus on in reconciliation is to identify the things that you do for each other that make the other person feel loved. Then, identify the frequency with which you each desire to experience these things. Practicality (time, money, resources) has to come into play at some point and adjustments should be made on both sides.

These are just a few thoughts I have based on the limited info you provided.

 

[visionary]

I believe he is telling us his emotional attachments are weak.

 

[myanchor]

Love the noun is a decision. Love the verb is an action verb. Once you decide to Love (n.), you need to put it into action. You need to find the love language your spouse speaks and do the things that fit into that. She may be loving on you with things or actions that aren't in your love language so you just go ho-hum. One of the not love languages for me is presents. I really could care less. But for my daughter it is presents. Foir my wife, it is primarily kind words, and for me I just okay, that's nice, now spend some time with me to prove it.

And yes if you grow up in a secure attachment situation with your parents, you will more than likely be a secure attacher. You know the whole thing about children learn what they live. How we love is an excellent book to explain it, But be warned it cold trigger you if you had a rotten childhood and it is deep and thought provoking.