See I always ? my existence. Whether or not I'm real. Did I die in 05 of a drug overdose. Simply your responses would be of coarse not, your typing. Well that just doesn't cut it with OCD. To inflame the thought and to cause it to stumble is to attack it. Mother Teresa dealt with the same form of OCD I have. It was obsessing whether or not I'm standing before God. Now it's just plain am I in some what of a purgatory or why does this world scare me as much as it does. I never obsessed about things like this before I was a Christian. I had floaters in my eyes and would obsesse that I was going blind. Now I think when we get older we start to ? our own existence. And wonder why so many suffer when we suffer in our litl tightnit group. When many are suffering. Ya know somebody got me thinking today on the SZ forums about why our we so blessed and others in the world suffer without food or shelter. My response was I dare not tempt my God into demanding why these things happen but, I am curious. Why am I so blessed and others are cursed. Is it in the family I was raised. Did God look out for me why am I still alive. That is the ? I wonder so much everyday. I should of died that day in may of 05 but survived. It's beyond me the way God works.
Dabro, Jesus bless you friend! I can fully relate brother! I am also a born-again Christian who has been struggling with OCD for almost 2 years now. But on the topic of existential OCD, I can definitely relate to you- I have been through it and know the fear, confusion, and pain it creates. I pray my story will be of encouragement and of help to you. Like many Christians who struggle with OCD (but not exactly every case), my OCD and scrupulosity was born of fears of the unpardonable sin, or blasphemy of the Holy Spirit. My condition has always been bad and undesirable, but my condition worsened over time (not to sound like my case is worse than anyone else's here, I meant it in a different context). My OCD started in August of 2009 after coming across false doctrine on TV. I suffered with it for months, but the doubts did not start hitting me until late January of 2010, when I had compulsive doubts about God's existence. Now to any of us who suffer with OCD, we know that OCD is labeled a "disease of doubt", meaning even the most common and known things can be a bout of uncertainty for those who suffer from this disorder. For example, it is a known fact to everyone in the world whether you're an atheist or a Christian that the sky is blue. However, when you have OCD, you will always need "proof" to try to feel certain about something, even the most obvious things.
I started battling the existential form of it I think in January or February of 2010. One afternoon I was doubting, like in your case Dabro, whether life is an illusion or not. I was pretty wacked out to say the least and I was freaking out and I couldn't pull myself nor my mind together. I remember looking everywhere on the Internet for answers, none of which really "fit" what I was looking for and I was worried. All day long (most of us with OCD/scrupulosity can relate to this one!) I got into a repentance-and-rebuking marathon against the doubts and unwanted thoughts and asked God to help me. I remember I went out that same day I think to go to my school, where I was taking college classes at the time. Anyway, I came home that night from the bus stop and I remember all the way home I was fighting the thoughts, feeling tremendously troubled and hopeless. God answers in amazing ways though friend! I went in my room very distraught, and all at once as if a bolt of lightning just hit me, the thought just came to my mind- the people who say that are mere men, but what does God say about it? The Bible says nothing of the world being mere matter and this and that like some scientists reduce it to; but a tangible, physical, observable world in which we can function with the senses and the incredible body and mental system God has created us with. So that brought me great relief and calmed me down much from the frantic state I was in hours earlier that afternoon. But like most with OCD, even when it seemed our doubts are cured, it just keeps coming back.
One thing that helped me greatly Dabro, especially in managing existential is just letting the thoughts go. It sounds frightening and challenging to some, I know, but trust me, it works. I myself was also very frightened and reluctant to go about this method, but I will tell you how I came to go about it and why it helps greatly. Like many of us who suffer with OCD, it is very hard to focus or concentrate, and even prayer can become an imposing task. My girlfriend, who has been a tremendous support to me, had her mother call me on the phone that day. I felt that was a personal wake-up call for me to get my life right and find out what is going on and not let this take control of me anymore like it did for so long. I tried my best to pray, and I even prayed over some olive oil and put it on my head as I prayed. I prayed with everything that God would help me and lead me to some help and as to what is wrong with me. Not long after that, I went on the computer and learned about OCD, or scrupulosity (the religious form of OCD). I praise the Lord because after sitting in the darkness for so long, finally there was some help. I went on to purchase a book about the basics of OCD called "Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder For Dummies" lol. But no lie, it is very helpful. It was in that book that I read about doubt. One thing to know Dabro is that there is a difference between normal doubt and OCD doubt. All of us as human beings struggle with doubts from time to time, and we will come across uncertainties as we only have finite, limited knowledge. Only God knows everything my brother!
For example, I could have normal doubts about eating a sandwich from a certain restaurant because I experienced my food being undercooked and raw. That is normal. A person with OCD will inspect even the bacteria on a glass of water with a microscope just to see if there are germs present! There is a big difference brother Dabro!
Anyway, getting back to my point friend about "letting the thoughts go", the best thing is not to try to fight them. It sounds crazy, but I guarantee you it is the only way to be free. When you fight the thoughts you think you're getting better as you try to relieve the doubt. When relieved, you feel better temporarily until doubt starts to creep back in, that is. Trying to fight OCD doubt is like an uphill battle. It seems like a mountainous effort to overcome when you think of all the doubts to overcome! It is a vicious cycle. Letting the thoughts just go seems uncomfortable and uncertain at first, but it is helpful and will help in the long run. To be free from OCD, it usually takes confronting the thoughts. Before you do it, pray and tell God that you want to love and serve Him properly, not out of mental instability or compulsion. Know that you ARE NOT your OCD! The thoughts attacking your mind are the result of a disorder or some kind of attack, whether mental or spiritual, or something. Brother Dabro, ask the Lord to lead you on that, as to what it is that is troubling you and how you can find freedom. He will definitely answer, He loves you! Brother, when you use this approach the doubts and thoughts plaguing you will begin to trouble you less and less. I still struggle with OCD and have my occasional moments, but God is helping me and the trouble it once gave me has been reduced significantly, and I feel I am closer to being free every day. Nonetheless, try not to ask God for freedom specifically (although we badly want it!) but more so the strength to fight and the ability to manage it that it won't interfere with your life in Christ and your life anymore or at least less. Overcoming OCD is not an overnight process friend, it takes patience and time. Ask God to supply you with the strength and patience to fight and overcome, and ask Him to be by your side throughout. Jesus will never fail you my friend! Much love in Christ Dabro, I pray this helped you out! Feel free to message me anytime and keep me posted on how you're doing brother. I know of some great websites on the net that deal with these kinds of things. God bless you and everyone on this message board!
Love in Jesus Christ,
Michael Valleau
