- Hi , I am not really sure where to begin . I need some help in my relationship with my ex husband or lack of relationship .
Before I start I wanted to say I have got deep values regarding marriage for life . It took me a very long time to leave him my ex . I really got to the point where if I stayed with him I would have commited suicide. I was suffering from a autoimmune illness which affected my mobility and my relationship stress added to my ability to cope . I had also just located my father who my ex had lied regarding a address he had for a number of years preventing me seeing my father . When i finally located my dad my ex was extremely abusive , it was almost like he didn't want me to speak to my dad . I know now why , however two calls later my father passed away . My ex was still my husband at that time . If I try to start how this all started .
My ex was forever lying sometimes small lies sometimes big , but he was always very emotional abusive towards me and would often deny what he did . The list of things range from him making me go to his families house ( aboard) when I was not welcomed by his family . My ex would always trick me into going , but I would always be ignored by one of his family . I never in all the 25 years with him felt comfortable enough to get myself a drink . I always felt embarrassed about how they treated me , each time I would say anything to him I was made to stand outside the house while he spoke to them , he did not care how I felt .My ex would offered say it was because I was sensitive because of my own mother leaving me . I asked him countless times to go without but he would insist I needed to attend this time as he wanted to show me his it will be different etc. This happened a few times in the end I stopped requesting he go alone as I needed to see that he would respect our agreement, he never did . He would often book tickets behind my back and insist this was a surprise , deep down knowing I wouldn't be happy . This was the only surprise he had ever done for me , he never ever surprise me on my birthday etc . I always had to ask for things from him it was never just given I feared my birthday .
Apart from this major problem in our marriage, each time we had a disagreement he would refuse to take my calls or answer my text. This would cause major upset and we would often break up , he would often ignore my calls evenually he would answer and agree to counselling but after a few session stop as he felt the counsellor was on my side.
He would also say he knows his actings are wrong and his learned how to handle things better . However as soon as other issues came up in our marriage he would revert to this behaviour in all the 20 years I was fighting my illness he not once attended the hospital with me. if I address this with him he would insist I was asking too much from him and cause him issues at work , however if his favourite team was playing he would insist he can work at home or take the day off . I honestly felt sick that my ex wouldn't support me , through operation he would go missing, stay out and tell me I threw him out , he never saw it was because he would refuse to answer my calls or if he would he would be very abusive . I was far from prefect in our marriage and eventually got fed up of him treating me like a door mat, so I would refuse to allow him back in after he ignored my calls for hours . In the end I felt he was doing this so he could stay out . However he didn't appreciate before being asked to leave I would offer to leave , he would make threats of if I leave he will call social services , he did this on a number of occasions , he would refuse to allow me to leave which would result in him leaving . Each time we come to this concluding together yet every time he would insist I threw him out . Every disagreement with him my ex he would start to attack my role as a mother and wife . I could not address nothing with him . My ex would say let's fight and pull me on the floor knowing my joints would hurt , he would beat me on a number of occasions and called the police in front of me saying I would make up false reports , he would cover his tracks so to speak and play mind games . The police would never attend the property which I found strange and can only assume it's because he works with the Police. Our marriage was terrible , no matter how I tried to resolve issues it ended up in the same position . It got to the point where I knew if I did not divorce him he would never change we would continue to go on his merry go round until one or both of us ended up dead .
While talking about divorce with my ex he never once said he wanted to save our marriage although he blamed me for starting the process . I started to located my dad and I found out my ex had hidden his address for years , while this was going on my ex who was still my husband called the police saying I was harrassing him , he actually got me arrested for calling him . My dad was dying my husband took all the money and refused to help me in any of my dads funeral costs or just to support me . My husband went to the pub . My son who he brought up as his own spoke to him and basically my ex who my son has always seen him as his Dad told him he never wanted to see him again . I once again begged my ex and met with him at the time I knew he lied regarding my dad, I not once brought it up but begged him to see both our children . This resulted in my ex calling the Police and getting a pin against me so I could not contact him .,
I went through with divorce throughout finding more lies I had dreams regarding my father in law saying sorry to me and how I needed to look on a website - my father in law died two years before the divorce . I looked and found out my ex had change a house overseas to his mum name . While he did that seven years ago ( my father in law must have known ) I was very sick a year after and he told me to sign over our other property incase the worse happened I never changed it back . My ex was now trying to say we broke up around that time seven years ago . He got his mother to lie despite making me call her mum for 25 years . I had to show the courts we was still together and I truly believe his dad told me how to prove this as I found never get any support in my husbands country.
This was four years ago , since that point my ex has now got my youngest son to do all the things he use to do . He lies to me , he refuses to answer my messages and treats me exactly like his dad . He tricks me into going to places for example his guaduation all for him to set up his dad and new girlfriend show. I say show because all she is doing is looking around for me to kiss and rub up my ex husband. I could clearly see she was doing something and whispering in his ear and he would smirk .
I felt so confused I could have ripped my heart out how my ex was acting . His girlfriend even followed me to the toilet .
My son ensured I had no one to support me at his guaduation he lied to get me at that event. I know now that my son got the tickets so he would have known his dad and his girlfriend would be there at his graduation, my son told me that only me and his dad could get tickets as I feared something would happen I wanted to bring a friend but my son said it's only for his dad and me .
I know my ex probably told my son that his brother should not be there , or he would not attend and to lie to me regarding the tickets . My son would have known weeks ago that my ex was going use that oppunitunty to hurt me with his lady friend . My son knew I either wouldn't want to go or at least have someone a friend come with me for support , however my son lied insisting he can only get two tickets . Throughout the whole event my son kept saying I should leave and talking me back to my car despite the fact he had set this all up , he then refused to speak to me after this point because I found out he had lied . I have called and text my son I even went to his dad to confront him and his dad call the Police , my son said to me don't come round here then and allowed that situation to happen despite me just wanting an explanation ?
My son did similarly thing on Christmas Eve, he was going to his dads before saying he see me Christmas Day , Christmas Eve I drop him and he tells me his going ( overseas) with his dad . He says he don't know when , and refuses my calls despite the fact he knew I had booked and asked him before hand if it was ok to book things to do over Christmas . I had nothing from my son over Christmas and he basically ignored me . I felt like committing suicide as I had asked my kids countless times if I should leave their dad both of them said yes he treats you very badly however my youngest does the same things as his dad . I know I will be judged what type of person I am , by this point I lost my dad , my husband and my son .. I have never felt so hurt , finding out all my husbands lies but my son , I felt sick his 22. so an adult I completely felt at this time I had done the wrong thing and I deserved to be treated this way . I had so much hurt and guilt I did think talking my life was an opinion no matter how that sounds I want to be honest here .
What I do not understand is after everything this man has done to me . I still adore him and love him . I truly want him to be happy and obviously he was not happy with me feeling like he needed to lie to me , so I felt at the time like I should divorce him . He refused to ever acknowlege me throughout our marriage , he only lied and abused me . I wanted him to find someone he could never hurt the way his hurt me . However now his since found this lady who seems to be on his wave length of hurting people' I felt hurt and betrayed even though his divorce from me . I felt like 25 years means nothing to him then and it hasnt changed in the four years we been apart . He acts like his the only victim .
The problem is each time I start to move on and I get on with my life . I keep having dreams that he will come and say his sorry . I now live Day to day in hope for him to accept and acknowlege how he treated me . I am not sure if it's because I know I can't have a relationship with my son because his dad will bangs in his head how much of a man he is when he lies and devasted me , my ex will only stop that when he see he is wrong , or I need that acceptance from my ex to finally hold his hands up and say I was one percent wrong and there is no but ..
I know my son ultimately responsible for his own actings . I am not sure if I can ever trust my son again if he wants me to go to his wedding for example I feel I can't go because he sets up these crazy horrible situation where I am on my own. My son behaviour is totally abusive if I teach him how to drive he will say you don't know anything exactly like his dad . If I refuse I never do anything for him , he screams at me when I don't believe him yet I have every reason not to believe what his said as he lies .
I have now stopped seeing my son as he has refused to answer my calls and messages I said I won't see him until his actings change but am I just leaving in false hope .
I have much shame that this is the man I love , he is very wicked and evil and I am unsure why his so angry when he never ever wanted our marriage to work ? He even got his mum who I had to call her mum in the 25 years I was married to him , despite knowing she did not like me , he got her to lie in court for him so that I would not get a fair divorce settlement , he wanted me to have nothing and become homeless .
I never even saw my dad again because he died within a week of location him , my ex was calling me horrific names which he says I called him . I know My ex kept me from my dad and still I tried to reason with him , after he called the police I still was begging for him to love our son and forgive him . . My ex was very good at emotional abuse , yet I was devastated to see him with this woman , I can't ever imagine I will ever move on without him and I truly think I left him thinking he wound change and everthing would be ok .. I am just completely lost what to do with both my son and ex can anyone offer advice on whether staying away is the best option ? I am unsure of how much more I can physically take as I am struggling with Health and stress . I have said I won't see either but they do not care and not affected at all it's me who is hurt , none of these two seem to care which I truly wished to move on from .
My ex goes to church and believes in God so I don't understand how he can act the way he does , his mother is very cold hearted she is the same and will invite you to her home just to ignore you , she finds it funny , her daughter is also the same but worse They always has a problem with one family member and make sure she makes that known to the world , it's very humulating and embarrassing .
I am finally seeing the lengths my ex will go to he actually thinks I have no reason to end our marriage and all of this is my fault . If the children defend me in any way he say to my kids your scared of your mum and he compares me to my dad . My eldest has not had a relationship with his Dad since he told my son he never wanted to see him again because he asked his dad to lay off me and in my heart I know it's because he is not his biological son . My youngest does what ever his dad says to do because he fears losing him , but has no respect if he loses me . My youngest will always say to me I am keeping him from his dad when I always give him lifts to his dad and I go out of my way to ensure he see his dad , he only says this when he has done something to me and I confront him . My youngest is repeating what his dad has said to him to justify the very fact he treats me very badly .I am just at the point I can't fight anymore for these people to love and respect my feelings anymore however I feel confused on where I need to show that I can't tolerate their behaviour .
I have said to my son that does he think his actions are ok and he says no it's wrong, but each time he does something he denies it to the point you have to show evidence it's manipulative and my head feels like it's exploding . I question my sanity at times because both deny what they have done and twist things my son especally says things like me and my dad are wrong but you are right and just because your behaviour is wrong your looking to blame me and dad . He will completely deny what happened and pretend he didn't know anything yet admits it in a rage and says things like do you think she is going take your role . My son honestly thinks I have no right to be upset regarding the fact he lied , set up his guaduation so I was on my own , while knowing his dad would bring his girlfriend who would be kissing my ex , following me round a room and finally to the toilet. My son feels I have no right to decide if I wish to be in that situation or not . My son feels I should be lied to and tricked to think he will spend Christmas with me and at the last second when I drop him off to his dad he finally tells me his not spending Christmas with me and his actually leaving to go with his dad back to his dad country but he not sure when . I have no right to know that my son won't be here on Christmas Day and get told Christmas Eve , but I should not be upset right ? My son lied so many times I don't believe anything anymore and fear what will be next? I do not want to go anywhere with him and I have sacrificed everything to give him lifts to his dad just for him to spiteful suggest I am keeping him from his dad . The funny thing is I fought five years for my ex to get a visa if it wasn't for me he wouldn't be here , both him and his dad know this and both use it as some sort of weapon to destroy and hurt me .
After doing what he has my son now refuses to acknowlege me , his ignoring his brother as well and I have sent him more than 50 messages begging for him to resolve things but I am now fed up of this life , I've had Enough and feel I can't go through this anymore . I only seem to hear the truth when my ex is angry and my son is but both are angry with me for reacting to really cold mean things they both are doing and there is only so much as a human I can take before I say enough . I really pray god can stop me loving these people as they have used and abused my love for many years and I have suffered so much hurt . My ex seems to think I divorced him I should suffer for that he has never ever ever addressed the fact he pushed me off the cliff and it was either let go and face broken bones or die hanging on .
Why would I give him any more chances to hurt me , why would I keep dreaming he will change and most of all why do I love my ex after everything his done to me .. God release my chains to him.
Please has anyone got any advice for me ?
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Ex and son behaviour
- Thread starter Candy rose
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JAM2b
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I am so sorry for all you have gone through. I can't imagine the pain you endure.
I have experienced the things you describe, but not on the same scale.
I also had an abusive and manipulative husband, and now my 19 year old son behaves as his father does when he has been spending time with him. What I have done is decided how I am willing to be treated in my home by my own son. He is an adult, which means legally I am not responsible for him. However because I love him, I still help him and he lives with me for the time being. However, when he treats me the way his father used to, I put a stop to real fast. Once he graduates at the end of this year, he plans to move to stay with his father. He understands that I love him and want him around, but if he mistreats me, he will have to leave.
You do not have to allow your son to abuse you. You don't have to put yourself in a situation where he will hurt you in any way.
Don't worry about trying to make him understand, or trying to help him become a better person. The reason for this is because as the victim, you are not the person he is able to perceive the truth from. Also, he probably is in a state in which he is not receptive of hearing correction. It needs to come from another person he respects and wants to learn from. It might not come unless he has one or more "hitting bottom" experiences. He has to want to change and to choose to love and respect you.
I have experienced the things you describe, but not on the same scale.
I also had an abusive and manipulative husband, and now my 19 year old son behaves as his father does when he has been spending time with him. What I have done is decided how I am willing to be treated in my home by my own son. He is an adult, which means legally I am not responsible for him. However because I love him, I still help him and he lives with me for the time being. However, when he treats me the way his father used to, I put a stop to real fast. Once he graduates at the end of this year, he plans to move to stay with his father. He understands that I love him and want him around, but if he mistreats me, he will have to leave.
You do not have to allow your son to abuse you. You don't have to put yourself in a situation where he will hurt you in any way.
Don't worry about trying to make him understand, or trying to help him become a better person. The reason for this is because as the victim, you are not the person he is able to perceive the truth from. Also, he probably is in a state in which he is not receptive of hearing correction. It needs to come from another person he respects and wants to learn from. It might not come unless he has one or more "hitting bottom" experiences. He has to want to change and to choose to love and respect you.
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Thank you for your reply , I feel terrible for you that you are experiencing the same . I agree with everything you have said and tried hard to have a relationship with my son without his Dad bad influence , but my son as you said can not see it , I don't talk badly regarding his dad but I am honesty with him that his behaviour is like . I feel my son really does not care if if kills me , I have been very sick with the stress of our relationship . I felt so badly that he needed to live with his dad but he wouldn't accecpt or acknowlege hi son actions . It's just very diffcult to accept how badly things have become and how I need to give up the most precious things in the hope they will be saved . I know if I continue to go back things will never get better , but I also know my son probably doesn't care if he see me again and this is what hurts me .
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GirdYourLoins
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As hard as it may be I think you need to cut all contact with your ex and eldest son out of your life. You will not start to recover until you have done so. Let your son know that you love him and when he is ready to contact you and treat you correctly you will be there for him. I have recently been learning more about soul ties and have dealt with a few bad ones I had. Until you break the soul tie with your ex he will have a means to control you and influence you. I would say you also need to pray and break the soul ties with your eldest son. That will be hard but you need to be free of the hold they have over you.
Once you have severed he ties and hold they have over you, you need to get counselling. Years of abuse like that need to be dealt with properly.
I was the youngest son of an abusive father who was violent to me and one of my two brothers and my mum. When they divorced he told my mum that if she tried to get custody of us she would find us and slit all our throats. She knew he was capable of this so I was brought up by my violent and psychologically abusive father. He died years ago but it was only recently when I went through everything in prayer and severed all soul ties with him and the part of my family that act like him did I feel free from it. I think there was also a lot of demonic activity involved and the demons tried to attack me as a result of what my father opened up in his and my life, even after his death. I feel I am free of this now.
Once you have severed he ties and hold they have over you, you need to get counselling. Years of abuse like that need to be dealt with properly.
I was the youngest son of an abusive father who was violent to me and one of my two brothers and my mum. When they divorced he told my mum that if she tried to get custody of us she would find us and slit all our throats. She knew he was capable of this so I was brought up by my violent and psychologically abusive father. He died years ago but it was only recently when I went through everything in prayer and severed all soul ties with him and the part of my family that act like him did I feel free from it. I think there was also a lot of demonic activity involved and the demons tried to attack me as a result of what my father opened up in his and my life, even after his death. I feel I am free of this now.
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Kit Sigmon
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If they claim to know God and don't do what He say to do in the Bible....
1 John 2:4
"If someone claims, "I know God," but doesn't obey God's commandments, that person is a liar and is not living in the truth."
I would strongly encourage you to seek counseling for the emotional and psychological abuse you have endured for 20-some odd years.
It be possible that you are experiencing some type of Survival Identification
Syndrome and that is why you are "attached" to your spouse, given the circumstances and your own illness, that made it all too easy for a controlling person to get over on you and the children.
Also, it seems your husband comes
from a family where such controlling behavior was very present and thrived, you
noted his mother displays such behavior as well and that same behavior is evident
in your grown child(children)...hopefully you can get them to seek counseling as
well because it'd be a good thing to put an end to the bad behaviors (controlling/manipulative behaviors etc).
Are connected with mature christian believers and be in fellowship with them
on a regular basis?
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Yoona86
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i am sorry to hear this
no one is perfect
but you do not deserve the way you were treated
i say this because you mentioned "I know I will be judged what type of person I am" and "obviously he was not happy with me feeling like he needed to lie to me"
your ex has issues serious issues
you need to cut him off completely
you also need to distant yourself from your son completely
pray for Him and ask God to touch his (your son) heart and bring him to Christ
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com7fy8
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Hi, Candy Rose 
I am Bill; I am a man; so it is very possible that I do not understand you and feel for you as well as I need to. But I will offer what I can
I have been treated in ways that got me very upset. What has helped me is to first answer to God for how God wants to correct me and make me a loving person the way He wants. And He would encourage me that Jesus suffered and died like He did on the cross with hope for any evil person, at all; and so God expects me to become strong in His love so I follow the example of Jesus. Love "hopes all things" (in 1 Corinthians 13:7)
I did this with a church leader. I would get all upset and paranoid and looking down on him, then God would get through to me and have me trust Him to make be sweet and kind and strong with love and an attitude of encouraging the mean and haughty person to become for real in love and humble leadership. I would give him a clean slate, a fresh start like God gave me, and stuff my smiling and caring face in his face, as you might say. He did better, but he went with his wife to another church. But I know if I was God's example, he can still be fed my example, along with how other Christians have been good examples for him.
It is so much more interesting and better challenging to learn how to love in close sharing with other people, and to become creative in our Creator's love to do what is loving even to horrible and cruel and impossible people . . . knowing that God is able to use the good things we do and say and our good example to do some kind of His good for any person, at all. This is about how God is now able, Candy Rose.
This means that God is able to overcome any evil, at all, with us, Candy Rose. Most of all is how in us God changes us to be strong in Jesus love which makes us strong so we can even be sweet and kind in the faces of rotten and cruel people who are deeply ruined so they do not know how to love. Feel how Jesus was, on the cross . . . being sweetly pleasing to our Father, even while those people were hating and torturing Jesus like that. Jesus answered to our Father, and Jesus prayed forgiveness to those people > Luke 23:34.
No one, Candy Rose, is strong and real enough to do this. Only God is able to make us able to do the loving He desires and to please Him instead of letting evil decide how we are and what we do. So, you are actually the same as all of us; not a one of us has made our own selves wise and strong enough to handle our problems . . . or our nicer things. We need God for all
Even while others do not want me, there is someone who can be ready for me to love and help that person, or there is someone who will come to share with me, Candy Rose.
Jesus was on that cross, with so many rejecting Him. They planned all that, so Jesus would be all alone up there. But then that criminal hanging next to Jesus decided He needed Jesus; he became able to see how Jesus is right and He needed Jesus; he stopped letting the evil people fool him into supposing that Jesus was just a common criminal > Luke 23:32-43.
If you are with God, in any situation, He will give you opportunities to love and help someone . . . maybe not in your own family or church, but thank Him that you can love whomever God trusts you to love and help. If God is trusting you with someone to love, it is so special to be trusted by God, Himself, Candy Rose
I am Bill; I am a man; so it is very possible that I do not understand you and feel for you as well as I need to. But I will offer what I can I have been treated in ways that got me very upset. What has helped me is to first answer to God for how God wants to correct me and make me a loving person the way He wants. And He would encourage me that Jesus suffered and died like He did on the cross with hope for any evil person, at all; and so God expects me to become strong in His love so I follow the example of Jesus. Love "hopes all things" (in 1 Corinthians 13:7)
Every one of us has been wrong in our relationships; so we do not need only to suffer, but trust God for how He can have us learn how to do better. We should not keep giving in the suffering and say we deserve this, but trust God to correct us so we become different persons, with Him, and we learn how to love. Then we can be kind and caring but strong example in the faces of anyone who is mean to us.
I did this with a church leader. I would get all upset and paranoid and looking down on him, then God would get through to me and have me trust Him to make be sweet and kind and strong with love and an attitude of encouraging the mean and haughty person to become for real in love and humble leadership. I would give him a clean slate, a fresh start like God gave me, and stuff my smiling and caring face in his face, as you might say. He did better, but he went with his wife to another church. But I know if I was God's example, he can still be fed my example, along with how other Christians have been good examples for him.
I am encouraged by how you are sharing here with us, Candy Rose; please stay in this life so you with us all can be blessed by God to overcome all the evil and share with God and each other as His family. I offer that we all have been through horrible things. And anyone so cruel to you could be losing a lot more . . . inside themselves . . . than what they have taken from you. I have been a very mean and cowardly person who found it entertaining to be able to make other people cry, and oh how I missed out on love > I did not know how to love. So, I was losing so much.
It is so much more interesting and better challenging to learn how to love in close sharing with other people, and to become creative in our Creator's love to do what is loving even to horrible and cruel and impossible people . . . knowing that God is able to use the good things we do and say and our good example to do some kind of His good for any person, at all. This is about how God is now able, Candy Rose.
"Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good." (Romans 12:21)
This means that God is able to overcome any evil, at all, with us, Candy Rose. Most of all is how in us God changes us to be strong in Jesus love which makes us strong so we can even be sweet and kind in the faces of rotten and cruel people who are deeply ruined so they do not know how to love. Feel how Jesus was, on the cross . . . being sweetly pleasing to our Father, even while those people were hating and torturing Jesus like that. Jesus answered to our Father, and Jesus prayed forgiveness to those people > Luke 23:34.
No one, Candy Rose, is strong and real enough to do this. Only God is able to make us able to do the loving He desires and to please Him instead of letting evil decide how we are and what we do. So, you are actually the same as all of us; not a one of us has made our own selves wise and strong enough to handle our problems . . . or our nicer things. We need God for all
This is sad.
Make sure you answer to God, now in prayer, yourself, Candy Rose. Do not be so busy with what you hope for others. With God, we can get real change and strength of correction . . . of His love's perfection. This needs to come first, in trusting in Jesus for our own forgiveness and salvation and all our God and Father desires to do with us and share with us.
And when people put me alone, in my church, first I can be still with God, then discover someone who needs attention
Even while others do not want me, there is someone who can be ready for me to love and help that person, or there is someone who will come to share with me, Candy Rose.Jesus was on that cross, with so many rejecting Him. They planned all that, so Jesus would be all alone up there. But then that criminal hanging next to Jesus decided He needed Jesus; he became able to see how Jesus is right and He needed Jesus; he stopped letting the evil people fool him into supposing that Jesus was just a common criminal > Luke 23:32-43.
If you are with God, in any situation, He will give you opportunities to love and help someone . . . maybe not in your own family or church, but thank Him
that you can love whomever God trusts you to love and help. If God is trusting you with someone to love, it is so special to be trusted by God, Himself, Candy Rose
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Wow thank you for sharing your story I can see the pain you have experienced with your dad , I know what you mean about cutting ties . I am reading the secret at the moment and it talks about the negative energy we attract in our thoughts . I believe so much that I have done this deep down because of the traumatic life that I had also had . My father abused me , but I needed to let that go with his death , I have let a lot go but the hurt and pain I carry with me . I have to learn forgiveness doesn't mean accepting someone back into my life especally when no lessons have been learned . I went to see my priest and he helped me immensely , I have always felt I need to fix things despite destroying myself in that process . The priest said once my son speaks freely about his errors you will know he is coming to the place where he accepts his responsibilities and he wants to explain if thats what you need . I think this helped me see my sons behaviour , this is my youngest son , my eldest is a god send and has never spoken to me in the same way , admittedly he has said things which upset me , but he doesn't mean to and I can be quite sensitive because of my ex actions towards me . I have had therapy for a number of years and actually started to study therapy this is probably why I ended up leaving my marriage . I never thought I would turn my back on my marriage , ever I never ever thought I would divorce my ex , but I even had a limit in the end . I really pay God will stop tormenting me by giving me these dreams of hope this is manly what reels me back in . It's funny as we all speak of this as some sort of fishing exercise and it's exactly like that my ex sends out the bait I react and I am back into that pond of being caught and maybe not been able to unhook his grip on me
. I honestly feel so much compassion and love that you could share with me in the hope to help me through my difficult time . You should be very proud of the man you have become despite your father not being abled to show you this while you was growing up . I know more than anyone how as an adult you are affected more than when you was a child , it was so much easier to cope in them times we just pretended it never happen or hid from our dad , it's extremely hard . The other day I wanted to hid in a cupboard my brother used to do this and I wanted to know how he felt , I thought how could I ever know when I am no longer a child , but I felt so much hurt for him that he had to go through that , it brought up my father and how much hurt he had caused all of us , but I had to learn to forgive him knowing that his in Gods hands and at least now his healed . I can't really imagine where you are in life , but I hope like me you have forgiven your dad as much as you can and know that you have such a wonderful propose now to fulfill , helping me is just the most beautiful thing that has come from that pain you experienced .
. I honestly feel so much compassion and love that you could share with me in the hope to help me through my difficult time . You should be very proud of the man you have become despite your father not being abled to show you this while you was growing up . I know more than anyone how as an adult you are affected more than when you was a child , it was so much easier to cope in them times we just pretended it never happen or hid from our dad , it's extremely hard . The other day I wanted to hid in a cupboard my brother used to do this and I wanted to know how he felt , I thought how could I ever know when I am no longer a child , but I felt so much hurt for him that he had to go through that , it brought up my father and how much hurt he had caused all of us , but I had to learn to forgive him knowing that his in Gods hands and at least now his healed . I can't really imagine where you are in life , but I hope like me you have forgiven your dad as much as you can and know that you have such a wonderful propose now to fulfill , helping me is just the most beautiful thing that has come from that pain you experienced .
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Thank you Bill , I have cried so much reading your response , what a loving kind man you are today . I want to thank you firstly for being a man and seeing deep into my heart . I found so much Tears , laughter and strength from your words and find it difficult to believe you once did not express yourself in such a loving giving way . What has changed you is something I've never stopped hoping for even for myself to understand more even if someone has done such horrific things to me . I want to become a better person , however I can't seem to do that with the hurt and the pain I am feeling at the moment . I hope with pray God will give me all the tools I needed to handle my situations with the love and compassion that Jesus had . It is very sad that I want my ex to find someone he doesn't have to lie to , but that's how much I loved him enough to let him go . I think throughout the years his made me feel I was not good enough for him so was willing if someone else could fix his soul to step aside . I was married for many years and I don't believe he hates me as much as he makes out . I am the type of Person that really wants someone to be happy and with someone they could never lie or hurt part of me really wants that for him . I really wish he could have loved me the way I needed but because he can't I hope he can find someone he can even though I would be devastated I want him to be a better person and I guess I feel with the right person he may achieve this . My self worth Is rock bottom I meant nothing to him in the 25 years I was with him he often made me feel I was not good enough , but there was a lovely side to him he often rub my legs and I mean all night long ,he tell me he adored me etc he was not always so unloving , it's these parts which I wanted to see more in situation of conflict .Hi, Candy Rose
I have been treated in ways that got me very upset. What has helped me is to first answer to God for how God wants to correct me and make me a loving person the way He wants. And He would encourage me that Jesus suffered and died like He did on the cross with hope for any evil person, at all; and so God expects me to become strong in His love so I follow the example of Jesus. Love "hopes all things" (in 1 Corinthians 13:7)Every one of us has been wrong in our relationships; so we do not need only to suffer, but trust God for how He can have us learn how to do better. We should not keep giving in the suffering and say we deserve this, but trust God to correct us so we become different persons, with Him, and we learn how to love. Then we can be kind and caring but strong example in the faces of anyone who is mean to us.
I did this with a church leader. I would get all upset and paranoid and looking down on him, then God would get through to me and have me trust Him to make be sweet and kind and strong with love and an attitude of encouraging the mean and haughty person to become for real in love and humble leadership. I would give him a clean slate, a fresh start like God gave me, and stuff my smiling and caring face in his face, as you might say. He did better, but he went with his wife to another church. But I know if I was God's example, he can still be fed my example, along with how other Christians have been good examples for him.
I am encouraged by how you are sharing here with us, Candy Rose; please stay in this life so you with us all can be blessed by God to overcome all the evil and share with God and each other as His family. I offer that we all have been through horrible things. And anyone so cruel to you could be losing a lot more . . . inside themselves . . . than what they have taken from you. I have been a very mean and cowardly person who found it entertaining to be able to make other people cry, and oh how I missed out on love > I did not know how to love. So, I was losing so much.
It is so much more interesting and better challenging to learn how to love in close sharing with other people, and to become creative in our Creator's love to do what is loving even to horrible and cruel and impossible people . . . knowing that God is able to use the good things we do and say and our good example to do some kind of His good for any person, at all. This is about how God is now able, Candy Rose.
"Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good." (Romans 12:21)
This means that God is able to overcome any evil, at all, with us, Candy Rose. Most of all is how in us God changes us to be strong in Jesus love which makes us strong so we can even be sweet and kind in the faces of rotten and cruel people who are deeply ruined so they do not know how to love. Feel how Jesus was, on the cross . . . being sweetly pleasing to our Father, even while those people were hating and torturing Jesus like that. Jesus answered to our Father, and Jesus prayed forgiveness to those people > Luke 23:34.
No one, Candy Rose, is strong and real enough to do this. Only God is able to make us able to do the loving He desires and to please Him instead of letting evil decide how we are and what we do. So, you are actually the same as all of us; not a one of us has made our own selves wise and strong enough to handle our problems . . . or our nicer things. We need God for all
This is sad.
Make sure you answer to God, now in prayer, yourself, Candy Rose. Do not be so busy with what you hope for others. With God, we can get real change and strength of correction . . . of His love's perfection. This needs to come first, in trusting in Jesus for our own forgiveness and salvation and all our God and Father desires to do with us and share with us.
And when people put me alone, in my church, first I can be still with God, then discover someone who needs attention
Jesus was on that cross, with so many rejecting Him. They planned all that, so Jesus would be all alone up there. But then that criminal hanging next to Jesus decided He needed Jesus; he became able to see how Jesus is right and He needed Jesus; he stopped letting the evil people fool him into supposing that Jesus was just a common criminal > Luke 23:32-43.
If you are with God, in any situation, He will give you opportunities to love and help someone . . . maybe not in your own family or church, but thank Him
Thank you Bill for you beautiful kind words . I wonder what made you change? Did you finally find love ? Sorry if I a mess too personally I just hope you did as you sound like you have a wonderful heart to share .
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Thank you so much for your reply , I think From a young age i was told i wasn't good enough , my dad treated me quite badly I feel I took this thought into my marriage . My ex was always making feel I was not good enough so I often think I deserve to be abused I was always at fault I think this is a coping strategy ?
I know I need to be firm and not see my son but being someone who has lost they whole family it is very diffcult to let go of that dependence . My mother left when I was five and I lost contact with my family at the age 17 , the only family I had was my ex family he treated me poorly . I guess I have always felt I was worthless because of my mother Leaving . I have no contact with my siblings and I think both my ex and my son use that for their own needs . I totally agree but I am very depressed that my son does not want to resolve things , I can't quite believe how cruel he is being towards me . I found that very hard to accept
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Thank you , I found going to church hard to deal with since my dad died and all my ex lies came out I am quite annoyed that he will go church and not bat one eyelid , it's all a status thing for him and his family , this and medical issues has not allowed me to keep in touch with Christians. I know some friends who meet on Fridays but I have not hear back from them I asked them for guidance as I have lost my way . I will always believe in God it's just I am not happy with the pain and suffering I had to suffer and the year I have begged for things to be at peace . I just want peace whatever that means my life to be stable and happiness even if I am alone , I just want to be rested my mind feels so burden with problems .
Thank you for your reply it really helps to see I do have people who care enough to post . I can not thank you enough for helping me find my way . I read a lot and read the shack which helped me a lot with the suffering I was feeling I just really want an end to it .
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com7fy8
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You are not by yourself. We have Jesus praying for us and the Holy Spirit making intercession for us. And we have one another, Candy Rose.
There are different things people will say about what you have shared.
My simple thing is I love you and care about you and I have seen how women can suffer because of the men they are with. It was partly their own responsibility to make sure with God about if they got with those men. But a man needs to be honest and know how to love. But if men want to just use a woman, a man might not trust her, and he feels he has to control her.
But, too, a lady needs to not be looking for a man she can use for what she wants, or this can get her with the wrong one. So we all need to pray, then, about who God wants us to trust and how each one will benefit from being trusted, Candy Rose. Every one of us needs to be prayerful in our relating.
So, while a man may be so wrong or at times affectionate when he might want you for pleasure . . . love does not have us only using anyone. We all need to learn how to love, with Jesus as our example, and how God in us has us changing and becoming stronger with Him, and then we can love any person, at all, and not give in to how anyone would hurt us . . . or how we can misunderstand someone >
"And who is he who will harm you if you become followers of what is good?" (1 Peter 3:13)
There are people, Candy Rose, who are not getting hurt in their relationships, but this does not mean they are strong people in God's love. But they may have managed to arrange what seems to be safe and so nice; but when someone dies or later someone does something to betray or hurt them, they are not ready and can suffer deeply and greatly for a long time > why? In my opinion and experience, we can be picking and choosing who is worth loving, but this means our love is weak so we can get hurt and deeply suffer > Jesus says,
"if you love those who love you, what reward have you?" (in Matthew 5:46)
There are plenty of church people who are trying to keep safe groups of ones they think are like themselves. But are they strong to keep out of "complaining and disputing", like Paul says we need, in Philippians 2:13-16. Are we sensitive to God while we relate with people? >
"swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath" (in James 1:19)
So, Candy Rose, even if you seem to be suffering a lot more than others . . . it could be any of us, if something hard happened to us, and if we have not been preparing in prayer and trusting God to correct and strengthen us so we are ready to not give in to evil and people dying. So, you can do well to feel for others, even if they now are not hurt and suffering
Possibly, caring about others can help you to get stronger in God's love. Trust Jesus about this. Matthew 11:28-30 God bless you
He needs to become a person, in his character, who does not lie and hurt anyone, Candy Rose. In case he were to get some woman who could so please him that he does not hurt or lie to her, that could be a major problem for him, because he would be getting his own way and not know where he is heading.
But my lady friend says may be there have been ways you have helped to cause the problem. We do not know you, of course, but we all need to pray for how God evaluates us, ourselves, no matter how evil and cruel and impossible other people are.
Consider how Jesus was on the cross . . . so hated . . . they planned to get Him all alone up on that cross. And He had been whipped and beaten and spat-on and nailed. But Jesus did not let those evil people decide how He was, on that cross. And Jesus stayed busy with obeying our Heavenly Father and loving even those people, right there.
And Jesus in us shares this with us, in our hearts . . . more and more as we grow in Jesus. So, trust God for this.
"be strong in the Lord and in the power of His might" (in Ephesians 6:10)
Do not judge by how you are now or how you fail. God is able. God is almighty, and God is our Supreme Being of family caring and sharing love, Candy Rose; so His almighty power to heal you and strengthen you is in His gentle and kind and quiet family caring and sharing with Him and with one another who are Jesus people, His children. So, this does not come with you alone ! ! !
You will need to learn how to tell the difference between people God has you trust, and people you need to not trust. And you will need to be able to share closely with other children of God. And expect others to test you, too
Love does not have us trusting blindly, Candy Rose. But we test who to trust, depending on God to make us reliable and safe; this is possible with God; so do not accept less But yes this comes with maturing, this does take time, and we will fail and make mistakes, but then we do well to keep offering ourselves to God, for how He is able and He is committed >
"casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you." (1 Peter 5:3)
This is very sad that he does not know how to love. And you were fooled; this is sad, too. But how a wrong person can make you feel is not to be trusted. Trust Jesus.
Read and feed on how Jesus related with women, including ones who had done things wrong. There were women who knew how to handle Jesus, God's own Son. Have you noticed in the Gospel of John how Jesus appeared first to Mary Magdalene after He rose from the dead? Take a look at that > John and Peter had even come to the grave, but Jesus did not appear to them first!
Jesus is the One worthy to be your Groom. And learn from how He shares with you, but also corrects you. Trust God, seek God . . . to correct us so our character can not be overcome by how evil would have us be and suffer. But with this comes being able to relate quietly and gently and sensitively with whomever is a child of God, also.
You ask me how I have become the way I am. In a post below, I hope to share about this, Candy Rose. It is so good to see you, again. I offer that ones of us are very encouraged to see you staying her to share with us. But if you have or discover some real mature Christians, including who have been through pain and hardship, they can help you in person.
But we need to always stay ready to forgive and have mercy for ones who are pretending to be nice people, and ones who on purpose do and say things to hurt us. We are in this evil world, Candy Rose; so we need Jesus so we can overcome with Him, all the evil, yes, but especially we need to seek God and trust Him about how we ourselves can have selfish character and the problems it brings.
And we do not only get rid of problems, but we learn how to submit to God and relate with other Jesus people, and have hope for ones who would betray us and hurt us. Love "hopes all things" (in 1 Corinthians 13:7).
And having hope does not mean so somebody can be selfishly happy with somebody who goes along with being used.
Love does not have us just using anyone.
Hebrews 12:4-11 talks about how God's real correction will take care of us.
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com7fy8
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No one ever did much to hurt me, Candy Rose, but still I did very cruel things to people while I was young. And then I was deeply weak so I could suffer agony of worry, and I could feel hurt about things when there was no reason to feel hurt. That was because I was in sin and my selfish nature. Then I did change from being cruel, on purpose, but I only was trying to be religious, and this was very weak and I was conceited, looking down on other people.
But God had mercy on me; I did not have a clue how wrong I was, but He changed me enough so I could feel and think more clearly, but still I was very insecure and afraid of getting used by women.
But I asked Jesus to save me so I would not go to hell, and so He would take care of me for all eternity. But then for some time I was just critical of pretty much anyone. It was awful and so stupid. But it seems people somehow knew I was the stupid person. So, I would say God had it like this so I could not escape by being critical only of others.
Then I started seeing how I was my problem. And God brought me to look for what it was He wanted with me. I met with people of different church groups, did different things to try to make sure I was saved. And then, one day while I was quite displeased and frustrated, I was at temporary work, and in me I was told to trust in Christ, but do not try to get myself straightened out, first, but Jesus knows what to do with me; just submit to Him.
And then I thought of that criminal hanging next to Jesus; he only knew Jesus is right and he needed Jesus and he trusted in Jesus and Jesus received him. So, I offered myself to Jesus and trusted Him to be the Judge of if it was really God having me do that and if I was being real with Him, or not. And I was blessed with big spiritual drops of mercy and encouragement.
And more and more I would just keep offering myself, for however God wanted me to submit to Him and do what He wanted. And there were plenty of things which that led to, Candy Rose. But what helped a lot was how I met certain people who were an example of how I needed to be with people. And in me I would get correction about how I was being unforgiving and a crybaby about how people didn't give me the attention and recognition I expected.
And in me at times I would experience God in His love so pure and pleasant and kind and caring and sweet and gentle and humble. And this would prove how I was not being with people; I needed to be changed into how His love would cure my character so I would be all-loving, not nasty-angry reacting, and able to sweetly and kindly share in mutual submission with any person who was a real child of God's love and an example for me.
So, I prayed for God to give me real correction so I could tell the difference between the real Jesus people and others. And I understood that in case I found out someone was not for real, God was trusting me to love and care for the person and have hope for him or her, in prayer and with a good example "in the sight of God" > not only acting and toning my voice and making gestures to make myself seem to be loving.
And as I got committed to real loving, like this, I would say . . . I started to connect with people who were effective to minister the Holy Spirit's power of love to me, to change me to be ready to love any and all people. These people did not only win me to greatly praise and honor and love them, but they ministered effectively so I was ready to love any and all people. And the Bible has given me so much, Candy Rose, for how to be and relate with God and how to share with other Christians.
And one thing led to another. For a while, I just helped in churches, without spending much personal time with people. But I understood how other members already had families and close relationships with special people; so I loved them as myself, by thanking God for blessing them while I helped so they could have time to share with each other.
And this possibly helped me to prove myself to others, so more and more we shared personally. They were welcome to test me; God could show if and how He knew I was ready to share with others.
And then I got my lady friend
And this has had me in much closer involvement with another person; and so I have needed much more correction and learning the difference between when she really needs forgiveness, when to be prayerful with patience so I make sure I really understand her , and when she really needs correction or I am the one needing the correction. And God's ways, Candy Rose, are "past finding out" (in Romans 11:33). We can not figure out how His love will have us relating and sharing; so often, I would say, He has her doing better than I can appreciate; so I keep needing correction and more maturing so I can relate right with her and not be trying to correct and boss and manage her
But she is very sweet and sensitive and kindly patient with me, always talking about how she can't understand why I stay with her. She is an example of compassion. She might at times get upset about what certain people do, but I now see how she never wants to get rid of even problem people and thorn-in-the-flesh people. But she cares about them and has hope for them.
She is ready with love, for any person. But yes she is not perfect; so at times she can break down and be fussing; and if I'm more with it at such a time, I will talk with her and encourage her to not let wrong people get the better of her, and I say how I so appreciate how she has been such a good example of compassion, for me.
And she'll say, "I don't know how you can see that, about me." And I say oh she isn't perfect, but there are the times I am with her and I see how sweet and kind she is with people while helping them. And I am so proud of her, and I thank God. And so, even if at times she has a problem, I say, she can't fool me by putting herself down while she is having a hard time
And I tell her she is so good, at times, with saying things to correct me > when I really am wrong. But my trying to correct her can be about picky things which don't have much to do with loving, if anything. Her correction has to do with how I really need to get more real in love. So, thank You, God, for however You bless Candy Rose with what I have offered; and now You are able to bring her to better than what she can hope for, now. And thank You so much for whoever the people are whom You bless her with, to help her. And may she know how You want her to love each and every person, even while she needs correction > even now, there are people You are trusting her to love and care about
in the name of Jesus Your own Son 
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