Everything you ever wanted to know about Lent, explained

Michie · Mar 20, 2024

The confessional blob

Dear Simcha,

Obviously I want to get to confession sometime during Lent, and I have examined my conscience and cleared my schedule. I can deal with unhelpful or annoying priests (because I know they’re still acting in persona Christi), and I can deal with pushy, rude fellow Catholics, because it’s easy to remember to offer it up when you’re right there in church. But, Simcha, there’s no line. No line! There’s just a blob of people vaguely centered around the confessional, and every time someone new shows up, they look confused, smile nervously, and then park themselves in some random spot. It is anarchy, and it drives me absolutely out of my gourd. It would be so simple to just post a sign telling people where to form a line for confession. Why is this so hard?

Signed,
Line Lover

Dear Lover,

Jesus actually had a parable about this, although it usually gets the “omit portion in brackets for shorter reading” treatment because it’s a hard teaching. In this passage, Jesus tells the Sanhedrin about the time a certain king was giving out riches to all his subjects, and all they had to do was line up like normal people and they would get some, and it was a really good deal for them. But they couldn’t do it. They just couldn’t line up, even though it was easy! So he got mad and BLEW UP THE PLANET, because it is RIDICULOUS. Even the Good Shepherdhas his limits. Sorry. You could always dress up like an elderly Italian nun and just elbow your way through to the front, and nobody will have the guts to stop you. This only works if you are less than five feet tall, though.

Low-fat, scraped raccoon

Dear Simcha,

I’m really running out of ideas for meatless meals. If I serve pasta, eggs, tuna or beans to my family one more time, I’ll have a revolt on my hands. Any ideas for how to keep them from starving while staying in the Church’s good graces?

Signed,
Fed up with fasting

Dear Fed,

Three words for you: Joy Of Cooking. Yes, the answer is in this venerable cookbook that used to grace the kitchen of every American house, Catholic or not. But the catch is, you have to find one of the vintage editions, that shows you, WITH ILLUSTRATIONS, how to prepare choice meats like possum, raccoon or squirrel. I haven’t opened my copy in a while, but I feel like I remember a lot of 24-hour baths in lye (for the raccoon, not you) and scraping (also for the raccoon). Friend, there is no ban on cooking meat on Fridays in Lent; there is only a ban on consuming it. So break out your finest lye and dish up a generous portion of old Irma’s fabulous scraped raccoon. Then we’ll see who’s revolting, and who manages to abstain from meat.

Note: This won’t actually work, but it will give your kids something else to talk about with their therapists besides the same old “I felt so unvalidated, blah blah blah.”

A young volunteer displays food prepared for dinners served at a Friday evening fish fry at Sweetest Heart of Mary Catholic Church in Detroit. Planning Friday Lenten meals or volunteering together are activities families can do during Lent. (CNS photo/Jim West)

Fish-fry extravaganza

Dear Simcha,

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