ERP: Trying and Struggling!

[RachelZ]

Hi...the title says it in a nutshell really! I'm trying to live with doubt and say maybe so and not fight the spikes but it's so hard to feel I'm squishing down stuff that feels important! I had a spike earlier and it's like how do I not fear what feels so terrible? I've been feeling quite anxious anyway so a spike on top is really not needed! In a way I've failed with the ERP even coming on here cos I know what I want is someone to say something to make me feel better and with ERP that's counter-productive. I just don't feel like doing this is gonna make me a whole lot better. Sorry...rant over...gotta go get the little one's lunch now...thanks for reading...take care, Rachel

 

[RachelZ]

I feel like my body and mind are screaming at me..."PAY ATTENTION...THIS IS IMPORTANT...STOP DENYING WHAT YOU DON'T WANT TO BE TRUE...STOP TURNING A DEAF EAR TO WHAT YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR!" What if that is what I should be listening to and not trying to do ERP?

 

[Jayangel81]

Its easy to think ERP wont make you a whole lot better. But it will Rachel. You cant be afraid of these thoughts/obsessions. And a good way to stand against it is with ERP.

Keep at it please

 

[seajoy]

Rachel, what you are feeling is so normal for ERP, at first. You are doing great by working on this. All of a sudden...one day...you will feel a little better. Little by little, it will work.

I'm real proud of you. This is hard. You can do it.

 

[RachelZ]

Thanks Seajoy, I really appreciate your encouragement! I know that with a lot of therapy it's normal to feel worse before you feel better...I guess where I struggle with all this is thinking that it's also normal to feel anxious and like you're ignoring a real problem if you really ARE ignoring a real problem if that makes sense. If someone is an anxious type of person and they face a problem then acute anxiety may ensue. I know that even with real stuff I can get anxious so how do I tell when to deal with stuff and when to treat it as OCD? I feel like I'm ignoring reality and yet when I feel better reality feels different anyway. I'm confused and I'm anxious but I don't want to give up if this is the way forward.

Thanks again, hope you're doing ok...take care, Rachel

 

[seajoy]

Thanks Seajoy, I really appreciate your encouragement! I know that with a lot of therapy it's normal to feel worse before you feel better...I guess where I struggle with all this is thinking that it's also normal to feel anxious and like you're ignoring a real problem if you really ARE ignoring a real problem if that makes sense. If someone is an anxious type of person and they face a problem then acute anxiety may ensue. I know that even with real stuff I can get anxious so how do I tell when to deal with stuff and when to treat it as OCD? I feel like I'm ignoring reality and yet when I feel better reality feels different anyway. I'm confused and I'm anxious but I don't want to give up if this is the way forward.

Thanks again, hope you're doing ok...take care, Rachel

I understand everything you just said! That was me when I first started ERP! My doctor told me a trick to help with these feelings. He said "if it feels wrong, you are doing the right thing in therapy." Now there's a comfort, right! But really, ERP will feel very wrong...but it's the rightest thing you will ever do for yourself.

God's blessings,
seajoy

 

[ObsessedButBlessed]

Wow, great adivce seajoy! ERP will totally make you feel like you're ignoring a big problem... well, I take that back... OCD makes you feel like you're ignoring a big problem!

The first few weeks of ERP were so hard for me. It is hard to be willing to feel like poop for awhile when all you want to do is feel better and have some relief. ERP is just as much about attitude as it is acceptance of everything your mind is going to throw at you during this time. Your mind is throwing a temper tantrum right now! It's a 2 year old child throwing himself on the floor, flailing his arms and screaming at the top of his lungs - pay attention to me, pay attention to me! The brain is resistant to change and if you have thought a certain way for so long, it's going to freak out a little bit!

But you should be assured. This is exactly what it is supposed to do. It is very important you keep doing what you're doing...it means it's working!

Here are some things I've learned along the way...

1. Agenda - During this time, it's important to keep on with your plans and DON'T retreat into solitude because of OCD. I don't know about you but when my OCD is bad I tend to want to withdraw from everyone and the world, and I am so stuck in my own mind. Make extra effort to be engaged, involved and attentive as if you do not have OCD.

2. Acceptance - Be ready to feel everything and think everything, because you will. I had such twisted thoughts and feelings when I was going through it. I felt I would never get out of it! But like seajoy said, one day you just start to feel a little bit better. Try not to get caught up or be surprised by everything your mind is going to throw at you...because it's getting ready to throw out the big stuff now!

3. Pray - Even if it's just a small prayer of "Lord, help me through this." There were some times when ERP was just too much to handle, and the feelings were too overwhelming, so I would pray that God would calm my mind and my spirit, and within a few minutes, I would always feel better. Lean on God even when you don't feel like it or feel afraid to talk to him!

4. Journal -I found that keeping a journal showed me at how much progress I was making, which was encouraging. I also used it to copy stuff about OCD or ERP that I had learned, as a reminder and as encouragement. There is loads of info out SIAD from people who have gone through ERP and recovered. I also kept a running list of my exposures there, so I could go through them each day. The mind cannot be bored and afraid at the same time!!

Praying for you Rachel....you're doing great!!!!!

 

[gracealone]

I feel like my body and mind are screaming at me..."PAY ATTENTION...THIS IS IMPORTANT...STOP DENYING WHAT YOU DON'T WANT TO BE TRUE...STOP TURNING A DEAF EAR TO WHAT YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR!" What if that is what I should be listening to and not trying to do ERP?

HI Rachel,
Awesome counsel from both Seajoy and Sad. There's very little that I can add to it. Another clue that it's OCD is that when you begin to engage in any of the mental compulsive activities, checking, reassurance seeking, mental debate, demanding proof etc. you will find that you will begin to feel worse and that it's very hard to stop the Obsession - Anxiety - Compulsion cycle. I had to get to the place where I recognized that attending to all those "What If's" in any way wasn't helping me but only making me feel worse.
I like what Sad said about forcing yourself to stay active or engaged in other activities even while you are in the midst of intense anxiety. This is very hard but she's right that retreating to your room or into yourself will only make matters worse.
One thing my therapist said that was useful to me regarding this was that I should "act as if". So I kept on functioning as if everything was OK regarding my OCD spikes. And believe me it really does feel like an act for a very long time but in the end feelings will finally begin to follow. But it's not going to be an overnight change. The change is subtle and gradual, like Seajoy said and that's why you have to measure it over the long haul.
I think you're doing a great job. Don't beat yourself up when you fall back into the compulsive cycle. We all do that. Just turn around and head in the right direction again.
Praying for you,
Mitzi

 

[RachelZ]

Hi JayAngel...I'm so sorry I haven't thanked you for your post yet...have just sent you a pm apologising that I hadn't done it before. I appreciate your encourgaement...you're a real asset to this forum with your help and the way you spend time applying the bible to people's situations! I have seen that people on here have been really helped by doing ERP and I know that the fear of the thoughts is a real problem. I'm still trying and still struggling but I do appreciate your encouragement!

Thanks Seajoy again for your wise input...it's so helpful to know you who have come so far can relate to my feelings! It feels like others with OCD maybe feel different and that the way I feel proves it isn't OCD related but when people like you can truly empathise then that does really help! What your therapist said is helpful too...I'll try to bear that in mind!

Thanks Sad...again as with Seajoy it's so helpful to know that others can relate! I totally agree that it's a good idea to stick with your agenda and I will try and do that as much as possible! Thanks for your prayers and encouragement. How are you doing with your aim to ask for a joyful spirit each day? Sorry I had meant to contact you to ask. Hope it's really helping you!! I'm trying to ask when I remember...need to make a real habit of it so I don't forget! Hope you're garden is getting there! We have just had the turf laid and it looks fab!

Thanks so much Mitzi...I agree that as ever Seajoy and Sad have good stuff to say! Thanks for understanding...even as far as not getting it perfect goes! I really like the idea about acting "as if!" I think before you and/or Sad have mentioned about choosing to do stuff despite the feelings and I have tried to do that. This is another take on that idea I guess...maybe taking it a stage further...I will definitely try to do this hard though I know it will be!

Thanks again to you all for your wisdom, encouragement and patience...it's appreciated more than you know! Hoping you all have a good day and weekend...take care, Rachel

 

[ObsessedButBlessed]

Rachel, sounds like you're feeling more positive today! I'm praying you find some relief and real improvement from ERP soon!!

Landscaping is going great... all of our grass is in, we got some of the flagstones down for the path through the backyard... soon to finish! We should have it done within the next two weeks...hooray!

Praying for a joyful spirit each day has been going very well. I no longer find myself really annoyed or down about little things. As you know with OCPD or even OCD I guess, little things can turn into big problems, and I find myself being able to let go of things easier. That doesn't mean my habits (automatic responses) are gone... old habits die hard, but I am really working on it. For instance my husband wasn't feeling too well yesterday so I cleaned all the dishes and kitchen after dinner by myself, which was fine, I didn't mind doing it. Later on though he saw a dish that I hadn't washed and asked if I had cleaned it. My automatic response was to think to myself "why is he bugging me about this! I cleaned the whole kitchen and all the dishes earlier!" But I think the joyful spirit part kept me from getting angry. He was actually asking if it was clean, because he was going to wash it if it wasn't... not nagging me about it like I had first assumed. The habit is there, the automatic response is still there, but the emotions aren't.

I no longer look at things I MUST do (chores, paying bills, etc.) as things that make me upset because I have to do them... things that would normally get me down... I try to take joy in everything I do, remembering to thank God that I CAN do these things.. because we own a house, we have jobs, etc.

Now some days are easier than others, some days are more joyful than others, but the biggest lesson I learned is that only events can make me happy... happiness is not a state of mind or state of being... unlike before when all I could focus on is all the ups and downs in life (which happen, OCD or not) and why wasn't I FEELING happy?

Something my OCD has been playing on is the "meaning or point of life" or "what happens when we die?" There is a lot of fear surrounding that because my religious fears play on what if God isn't real or what if I'm not really saved. Been struggling with thoughts about why work all the time if we just die, yuck! We had Bible study at our church on Wednesday night and my anxiety was definitely kicking up because everyone was talking about looking forward to seeing Jesus when they die and all I could feel was fear! But since then, God has comforted me, I realize now we live in a very broken world and one day we'll get to heaven where there is no more OCD and suffering. I really look forward to that day. Now if you had asked me this two days ago I would have panicked thinking "what if there is no heaven??"

Having a joyful has made my marriage improve as well. I just notice that I am in a better mood and so is my husband.... sometimes I wonder if he has been praying for a joyful spirit, too! I will tell you this... after 5 years of going to the same church and never being involved in anything, we joined a married couple's Bible study as well as another Bible study taught by our pastor... so we do two Bible studies a week. I think fellowship with other Christians, especially ones that have been married for 20+ years with lots of wisdom about Christian marriages has really made an impact on us. For one it tells us that a lot of stuff we go through is normal, another is that God can do anything and take any marriage and make it right, and last (but probably first) is that God needs to be the center of our marriage. Just being around other positive, uplifting Christians in fellowship has made me more joyful, too!

Anyway, so yes it's going well... I teeter on praying as a compulsion so I just have to watch myself! Thanks for asking!

 

[gracealone]

Sad - Wow great job!! I'm so thrilled at the progress you're making.
I have to tell you that more and more I'm realizing that emotions like joy, love, happiness, faith etc. are not always spontaneous. Sometimes they are and that's a real gift when that happens, but more often than not we have to choose to act joyful, to act happy, to act loving and to act in faith. So many times in my own life I find that when I choose to act in these ways that my feelings will eventually follow. I guess that's why God has had to command us to "Love the Lord our God with all our heart, mind and strength and to love our neighbor as ourselves." If we were going to automatically feel loving toward Him and our neighbors then there would be no need for Him to instruct us to do so.
So I love your post. It's about choosing what's right and taking action even when your emotions aren't backing you up. Cool!
CS. Lewis said that, "obedience is the key to all doors." Looks like you're unlocking quite a few doors these days.
Thank you for all that you share. It's inspiring and encouraging to me.
Mitzi

Rachel, sounds like you're feeling more positive today! I'm praying you find some relief and real improvement from ERP soon!!

Landscaping is going great... all of our grass is in, we got some of the flagstones down for the path through the backyard... soon to finish! We should have it done within the next two weeks...hooray!

Praying for a joyful spirit each day has been going very well. I no longer find myself really annoyed or down about little things. As you know with OCPD or even OCD I guess, little things can turn into big problems, and I find myself being able to let go of things easier. That doesn't mean my habits (automatic responses) are gone... old habits die hard, but I am really working on it. For instance my husband wasn't feeling too well yesterday so I cleaned all the dishes and kitchen after dinner by myself, which was fine, I didn't mind doing it. Later on though he saw a dish that I hadn't washed and asked if I had cleaned it. My automatic response was to think to myself "why is he bugging me about this! I cleaned the whole kitchen and all the dishes earlier!" But I think the joyful spirit part kept me from getting angry. He was actually asking if it was clean, because he was going to wash it if it wasn't... not nagging me about it like I had first assumed. The habit is there, the automatic response is still there, but the emotions aren't.

I no longer look at things I MUST do (chores, paying bills, etc.) as things that make me upset because I have to do them... things that would normally get me down... I try to take joy in everything I do, remembering to thank God that I CAN do these things.. because we own a house, we have jobs, etc.

Now some days are easier than others, some days are more joyful than others, but the biggest lesson I learned is that only events can make me happy... happiness is not a state of mind or state of being... unlike before when all I could focus on is all the ups and downs in life (which happen, OCD or not) and why wasn't I FEELING happy?

Something my OCD has been playing on is the "meaning or point of life" or "what happens when we die?" There is a lot of fear surrounding that because my religious fears play on what if God isn't real or what if I'm not really saved. Been struggling with thoughts about why work all the time if we just die, yuck! We had Bible study at our church on Wednesday night and my anxiety was definitely kicking up because everyone was talking about looking forward to seeing Jesus when they die and all I could feel was fear! But since then, God has comforted me, I realize now we live in a very broken world and one day we'll get to heaven where there is no more OCD and suffering. I really look forward to that day. Now if you had asked me this two days ago I would have panicked thinking "what if there is no heaven??"

Having a joyful has made my marriage improve as well. I just notice that I am in a better mood and so is my husband.... sometimes I wonder if he has been praying for a joyful spirit, too! I will tell you this... after 5 years of going to the same church and never being involved in anything, we joined a married couple's Bible study as well as another Bible study taught by our pastor... so we do two Bible studies a week. I think fellowship with other Christians, especially ones that have been married for 20+ years with lots of wisdom about Christian marriages has really made an impact on us. For one it tells us that a lot of stuff we go through is normal, another is that God can do anything and take any marriage and make it right, and last (but probably first) is that God needs to be the center of our marriage. Just being around other positive, uplifting Christians in fellowship has made me more joyful, too!

Anyway, so yes it's going well... I teeter on praying as a compulsion so I just have to watch myself! Thanks for asking!

 

[forgiveable]

What was that saying
A rising tide raises all ships

It's good to hear that you are coming through some of the rough times with optimissim and it's sooo uplifting!

He's always been there whether you knew it or not..
Have a great Sunday! ~ B

 

[RachelZ]

Hey Sad...so sorry I haven't been able to respond to your post before...as Mitzi and Forgiveable have said it's so encouraging to hear how well you're doing...and what makes it all the more so is that you tell it how it is without making out it's all plain sailing! I think when stuff sounds real it is easier for people to relate and feel that what you're striving for can be attained by them as well. I'm just so pleased for you that God is blessing all your determination and hard work to beat this thing! The way the OCD attacks you in terms of your questions re God sounds really hard and I'm glad God has been comforting you in that. I know when I get hung up on some religious theme it can be so difficult. I really must remember to keep asking God for that Joyful Spirit...sounds like it's really helping you not to mentioning it rubbing off and influencing your hubby and others on here! Who knows how many people God will bless as a result of what He is doing in your life...which in turn blesses Him too!? (Sorry, hope that doesn't sound too corny...it's sincerely meant!)

I've been doing a bit better and trying to choose how to act rather than just REact to my feelings which I think is helping. One thing that happened yesterday which really showed me again how little we can trust our feelings is that I had a counting compulsion which I determined not to act out...I can't tell you how hard it was...it was so ridiculous cos it really didn't matter if I counted or not but my feelings were pretty much screaming at me that I needed to count! Well, I didn't and I survived of course...but it just shows me how crazily our minds and emotions work with OCD!

I'm really glad your garden's going well...we now have grass too which is fab...I can't wait for it all to be done...it can be quite stresfull having work like that going on especially when it goes on for a while...not to mention all the decisions that have to be made and decisions are NOT my strong point.

I'd value any prayers for Sunday as my brother-in-law is getting married and I know that the OCD could really try and kick in and I want to be able to enjoy it not to mention needing to have my wits about me trying to keep a 20 month old amused for such a long time. Obviously hubby will be helping but he's on the top table and I'm not so he's not gonna be able to be totally to hand.

Thanks again to everyone who's helped me in this thread and thanks Sad for sharing how you're getting it...it's encouraging and inspiring! Take care, Rachel