Equal work

[ValleyGal]

Even today, most women who work full time outside the home still do the majority of the housework and caring for the children. While men are becoming more involved, women still do most of the work.

When a woman is working full time outside the home and the husband isn't, then, imo, he should be doing the majority of the housework and cooking. When a husband is working full time outside the home and the wife isn't, then she should be doing more of the housework and cooking. Iow, the combined workload should be somewhat equalized. If one is sick, the other should pick up the slack. If one is away for a bit, the other should pick up the slack.

Some men might think it is emasculating to be "just" a house husband. If that is the case, you might consider looking for work outside the home - although that still does not absolve you of your ongoing responsibilities in the home. Men, your wives work hard. They deserve the workload to be equalized.

And they think women are the "weaker"... hmmm.

 

[Slytherina]

(ignore my post. posted by accident.)

 

[Paidiske]

Ohh, I'm right there with you, ValleyGal. As I worked more outside the home and the other half worked less, the balance of domestic work didn't shift...

I pay a cleaner. I figure it's an investment in our marriage (and my sanity).

 

[ValleyGal]

NM

 

[Paidiske]

No need to apologise, you know that. You post whatever's helpful to you.

I think a lot of the differences can, if not be removed, at least be something a couple learns to work around; I compromise my preferred style a bit and so does he, and we meet in the middle, kind of thing. But that's where really good marriage preparation becomes important, and I observe a lot of people don't get it...

 

[ValleyGal]

NM

 

[Dave-W]

I was amused once to read that couples to go to bed together at the same time also have longer surviving marriages. Personally, I can see why.

That depends a LOT on the individuals.

For almost all of our 39+ years together, my wife has gone to bed at least an hour earlier than I, and got up after I left for work. She could not survive on my 4-5 hours of sleep a night. Now we work at the same place and get up (almost) at the same time.

Our worst arguments were when we went to bed together.

 

[Dave-W]

Marriage is a lot more work than some people realize, and part of making it work is finding someone who will work on it just as hard as you do.

Work indeed. I completely agree.

But it ALSO takes an attitude that even if the spouse will not do their part, you must step up and do it as well.

 

[ValleyGal]

NM

 

[Dave-W]

I disagree, Dave. Marriage is reciprocal. One person can only carry it until they break down from the load.

Breaking down from the load means they are NOT truly do it in the strength of the Lord.

"I can do ALL THINGS thru Christ who strengthens me."

And that applies equally to men and women; although I would apply it FIRST to the men.

 

[yeshuaslavejeff]

That depends a LOT on the individuals.

For almost all of our 39+ years together, my wife has gone to bed at least an hour earlier than I, and got up after I left for work. She could not survive on my 4-5 hours of sleep a night. Now we work at the same place and get up (almost) at the same time.

Our worst arguments were when we went to bed together.

Sort of, perhaps.

But if even just one does what is right,
as God says,
then God does bless (sanctify) both of them,
and the children if any.

Even if one is an unbeliever.

 

[ValleyGal]

NM

 

[yeshuaslavejeff]

I disagree, .... Marriage is reciprocal. One person can only carry it until they break down from the load.

The strength of the Lord will get a person a long way, yes, but we are human, with human capacity. No one - not even God - will stay in relationship that is not reciprocal. Remember, God divorced Israel for a time. Relationships are reciprocal. And both must contribute.

Yet,
that is not what God tells us in Scripture.

 

[ValleyGal]

NM

 

[mkgal1]

Breaking down from the load means they are NOT truly do it in the strength of the Lord.

"I can do ALL THINGS thru Christ who strengthens me."

I think we need to be careful about applying this verse as a blanket statement that one [in marriage] can do ALL THINGS (and to subtly imply that "God has got your back through it all" or...if you're reaching your limit, you're not relying on God enough). That's ruinous to a person's faith in God when that all hits reality with an extreme situation (like an abusive and/or addicted spouse). Humans are way more complex than that (and TWO people only makes things more complex). This often shifts the guilt to the wrong person (one that's already wrongly feeling the burden of guilt from another person's behavior).

 

[Dave-W]

The Bible says each should carry their own load. A lopsided marriage means one is not carrying his own load.

I agree.

The Bible talks about doing unto others as you want them to do to you...if one neglects the marriage, it is reasonable to expect that the other will follow suit because that behavior tells the other that's how he wants to be treated.

Maybe so. But the one that takes the marriage vows and obeying God seriously will no more give their spouse that kind of "tit for tat" retaliation for bad behavior than they expect God to give them tsuris for their own mistakes and bad deeds.

And nowhere do you see "sit back and let your spouse do it all." Instead, you find reciprocation in all things. That's what relationship is about.

What about Hosea and Gomer?

 

[mkgal1]

God created Adam. But there was no one to help him, so he created Eve to help him "have dominion" over the earth.

Personally.....I'm a bit uncomfortable with this phrasing (it's too close to what I heard repeatedly all those years I spent in a fundamentalist conservative church). The "problem" Adam had was that he was alone (with no one suitable for him). When I read "helper"--I think, "assistant" (I know I shouldn't).....and that just reminds me too much of that whole "man has authority" dogma.

The phrase ezer kenegdo, in the original language of Genesis 2:18 and 20, does not mean “subordinate helper”. A Suitable Helper (in Hebrew)

 

[mkgal1]

The Bible talks about doing unto others as you want them to do to you...if one neglects the marriage, it is reasonable to expect that the other will follow suit because that behavior tells the other that's how he wants to be treated.

I think I'm in agreement with Dave on this one---but you just can't apply it to ALL marital difficulties...and all marriages (like all things--there's no set formula--prayer and discernment is necessary).

I've read/heard about some beautiful transformations that have occurred as one spouse has supported the other through difficult times of personal healing (with boundaries!). Hurt people hurt people (and we're all hurt.....aren't we?) and typically the ones in closest proximity get hurt the worst. To me.....a critical aspect of marriage is accepting influence from each other. In fact....just this morning I read this (and I know, VG, you're very familiar with this):

Couples get in trouble when they match negativity with negativity instead of making repairs to de-escalate conflict. Dr. Gottman explains in The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work

When a spouse finally gets to their limit---the other spouse is wise to carefully listen to what they're hurt about. The other thing I heard too much in my former church was how women need to be "soft" about their confrontation......but the two transformations that are on the fore-front of my mind began when the wives finally reached their limits and got ANGRY---really angry. Instead of responding by shutting down.....minimizing their emotions....or demonizing their expression....their husband's *listened* and were influenced (they didn't match the anger with more anger). This is one example of what I mean:

 

[yeshuaslavejeff]

A believer doesn't carry any baggage of guilt, not even for their own sins, let alone anyone else's sin.
(when they have been forgiven and washed clean by the WORD,
and the shed blood of JESUS atoned for them).
No guilt at all. No condemnation to all who are in CHRIST JESUS.

Even as slaves were purposefully returned to their masters,
willingly, if the slave was a believer in the assembly.

And instructed to obey as if obeying Jesus Himself.

Hardships and persecution are promised by Jesus to everyone, married or not, who wants to follow Jesus.

 

[mkgal1]

A believer doesn't carry any baggage of guilt, not even for their own sins, let alone anyone else's sin

Our transformation in Christ doesn't happen as an event---it's a process, where we still have to bring our past to Him and allow Him to transform our past. That woman in that video I posted (Geri Scazzero) and her husband, Pete, have created an excellent series called Emotionally Healthy Spirituality. To me.....*that's* how God "works"--when we partner with Him to understand what's healthy and what's not healthy. To ignore things from our past---and to just consider it all "former self"---is honestly where I believe a lot of Christian marriages fail.