To Life Immortal
Because I have DID from trauma and isolation, I don't remember much of childhood or adolescence.
My earliest memories are of eating graham crackers and drinking milk in kindergarten. Another memory is being very very sick. My aunt's minister and other people were praying for me. I had a very high fever from German measles. I think they thought I was going to die or something.
Bad things starting happening when I was 8. I got a concussion running into the edge of a wooden door. I had terrible headaches. Not fun at all. I also got my periods the same year. Had to grow up very quickly.
I remember being hunted down by the older kids and teens. They would attack me if I didn't avoid them or outrun them. This happened for 3 years. I remember watching a nature show about antelopes. They jump while they run; it makes them go faster. I started running the same way.
I could 'talk' with inanimate objects. I could feel things other people couldn't. I had a private world all to myself. At night, when I did sleep, I would have nightmares. I couldn't stand for people to touch me. Noises bothered me. If one word could describe my growing up, it would be fear.
My parents worked, so when school was out in the summer, I was shipped down south to South Carolina where my grandmother lives. The good thing about this was there were forests near the house and I would love to go out among the trees. I felt like I was at peace and with God in the wilderness. I really didn't get close to my cousins; they thought I was weird. I never learned how to socialize with people and make friends.
I did good in school. I liked math and reading. My IQ is 135, but that didn't help me with people. The violence got so bad, I ran away from home when I was about 10. I ran away about 3 or 4 times.
My mother was raised Southern Baptist, but when I was little she joined the Jehovah's Witnesses. My father was Baptist. When I was about 8 or 9, my mother joined an Apostolic storefront church. This caused problems between my parents. My mother was very zealous. I wanted to try to get her to like me better, so I joined when I was 12. I got baptized in Jesus' name and I had to 'tarry' for Holy Ghost. Tarrying is when you keep repeating 'Jesus' until you drool and stuff. They said it was evil coming out. You do this for days until you being to speak in tongues and jump up and down.
When I was 14, I quit going to church. The people said that their way was the only way to Jesus. They would put down Baptists, Methodists, Catholics, and everybody. I didn't like the way they acted. They weren't compassionate and they had a holier than thou attitude. My Aunt Rose and the minister were nice people despite the church, but I had enough when some of the people started arguing in the church. I got up and walked out. I thought that if they are the only way and I have to act like that, then there is no god.
For years I was agnostic. Being a teen was awful for me. Overweight and overdeveloped, boys and men were nasty toward me. I didn't like being stared at and receiving bad attention. I wished my breasts would go away; I didn't like my body at all. I tried to starve myself; It didn't work. I would have bursts of energy; I felt as if I could do everything at the same time. I could even socialize and be humourous. Then I would fall into a deep dark depression. I couldn't get out of bed for days. It would cycle like this. I didn't know what was wrong, but I knew this wasn't normal, even for a teen. It would take 25 years before I found out about bipolar/manic-depression. It nearly destroyed my life.
One day, my mother just took me and left the house. I didn't know my parents were breaking up; everything happened without any warning at all. The next day, I was in a strange new house sleeping on a mattress on the floor. I didn't even have time to take the cat with me.
I didn't know what I was. I thought I was an alien or psychotic. I just didn't know what was wrong with me. Sunlight and indoor light bothered me. It hurt my eyes. I hated going out in the daytime. Nights were much more better. Secretly I would eat raw beef liver and hamburger. I would feel better after doing this. I would eat steak rare secretly. I didn't know about being sanguine when I was a teen; I just thought it was part of me being weird. Maybe I'm really some kind of alien that was left here. I would hope that whoever left me would come back for me. I had attempted suicide by taking too much pain meds; it didn't work I only fell asleep. I prayed to God to for Death to come take me. I felt something coming and then I got scared and prayed for it to go away. Too scared to live and too scared to die.
When I got to college, I took chemistry and physics. I learned about how things are made and the structure of matter and energy. It caused me to think that there is a God. How elements have energy shelves and about atomic structures and stuff. I saw God within chemistry and physics; it helped me believe in God again.
So I started searching for God. I went to various churches and listened to people. I even converted to Conservative Judaism for a while. I visited a Hindu temple and went to a Santeria service. Read about Buddhism and Islam. I was hungry for spirituality. I wanted to know God and have a relationship. I also wanted to know what was wrong with me. Maybe God could tell me.
One day, I was in Border's bookstore downtown. You can go on the second floor and read books and drink coffee and stuff. I was in the spirituality section when I saw this book about Wicca. I never heard of Wicca, so out of curiosity I read the book. It was one of those books from Llewellyn. I liked the nature angle, God is male/female, God is within everything and everything is in God (pantheism). I read about different gods and goddesses. I tried to join a coven and learn more, but the lady didn't want me. So most of what I know is from books and reading stuff online and message boards. I was solitary.
I looked to my heritage to choose a pantheon to work with. I am West African/Cherokee/Germanic. I like the values and strengths of Asatru. I felt an affinity with Heimdall and the Vanir, but I couldn't deal with the racialism and paranoia of some of the people. So I chose to work with the Egyptian deities. I got this book called Invocation of the Gods by Ellen Cannon Reed. She talked about Lady Aset and Lord Asar and the other deities. I enjoyed the stories about the deities and wanted to know more. I visited a group for people who practice Traditional African religions. It was awesome. The deities would come and visit people. You could actually talk with a deity! It kind of reminded me of the Apostolic church. I started to learn more about the Egyptian deities. I began to have dreams about Lord Tehuti and Lady Sekhmet.
I wasn't good at magic. I tried a love spell, but it didn't work. I would speak with the elements, but that's all I did. I still speak to the sylphs on a windy day. Just say hello. I tried to get to know Lord Tehuti and Lady Seshat, but it wasn't easy. I wanted to have a real relationship with God.
Finally, one day I was bored and surfing MSN chat. I came upon Christian Chat World. I visited it and listened to the people. I told them that I was a Pagan of the Ancient Egyptian Tradition. To my surprise, they didn't judge me. They asked questions about why I was a Pagan. We talked about Jesus and religion and spirituality.
I found out that I had some wrong ideas about Christianity. I learned that my mother was involved in a cult; that wasn't real Christianity. I began to read bible. I saw how Lord Jesus had real compassion for people. He cared for people, even gave them food and healed them. I continued to go to Christian Chat World to learn more about Jesus. At the same time I started listening to Bible Answer Man on radio.
On 26 February 2003, I became a Christian. I prayed with the people on Christian Chat World. I returned to the church that I felt closest to God; Greek Orthodox. I am a newbie Christian still learning about God and myself. I pray to understand how to receive and give love to people. I'm not a pantheist anymore; I'm more of a panentheist now. I enjoy receiving the sacraments when I do go to church. I like reading the bible now and try to read as much as I can.
Today I am doing much better dealing with being bipolar and DID. I am slowly learning to have faith in God and accept myself. I have learned much in my short time here. I thank God for this forum.
Peace and Long Life
~*~ Epiphany ~*~
Because I have DID from trauma and isolation, I don't remember much of childhood or adolescence.
My earliest memories are of eating graham crackers and drinking milk in kindergarten. Another memory is being very very sick. My aunt's minister and other people were praying for me. I had a very high fever from German measles. I think they thought I was going to die or something.
Bad things starting happening when I was 8. I got a concussion running into the edge of a wooden door. I had terrible headaches. Not fun at all. I also got my periods the same year. Had to grow up very quickly.
I remember being hunted down by the older kids and teens. They would attack me if I didn't avoid them or outrun them. This happened for 3 years. I remember watching a nature show about antelopes. They jump while they run; it makes them go faster. I started running the same way.
I could 'talk' with inanimate objects. I could feel things other people couldn't. I had a private world all to myself. At night, when I did sleep, I would have nightmares. I couldn't stand for people to touch me. Noises bothered me. If one word could describe my growing up, it would be fear.
My parents worked, so when school was out in the summer, I was shipped down south to South Carolina where my grandmother lives. The good thing about this was there were forests near the house and I would love to go out among the trees. I felt like I was at peace and with God in the wilderness. I really didn't get close to my cousins; they thought I was weird. I never learned how to socialize with people and make friends.
I did good in school. I liked math and reading. My IQ is 135, but that didn't help me with people. The violence got so bad, I ran away from home when I was about 10. I ran away about 3 or 4 times.
My mother was raised Southern Baptist, but when I was little she joined the Jehovah's Witnesses. My father was Baptist. When I was about 8 or 9, my mother joined an Apostolic storefront church. This caused problems between my parents. My mother was very zealous. I wanted to try to get her to like me better, so I joined when I was 12. I got baptized in Jesus' name and I had to 'tarry' for Holy Ghost. Tarrying is when you keep repeating 'Jesus' until you drool and stuff. They said it was evil coming out. You do this for days until you being to speak in tongues and jump up and down.
When I was 14, I quit going to church. The people said that their way was the only way to Jesus. They would put down Baptists, Methodists, Catholics, and everybody. I didn't like the way they acted. They weren't compassionate and they had a holier than thou attitude. My Aunt Rose and the minister were nice people despite the church, but I had enough when some of the people started arguing in the church. I got up and walked out. I thought that if they are the only way and I have to act like that, then there is no god.
For years I was agnostic. Being a teen was awful for me. Overweight and overdeveloped, boys and men were nasty toward me. I didn't like being stared at and receiving bad attention. I wished my breasts would go away; I didn't like my body at all. I tried to starve myself; It didn't work. I would have bursts of energy; I felt as if I could do everything at the same time. I could even socialize and be humourous. Then I would fall into a deep dark depression. I couldn't get out of bed for days. It would cycle like this. I didn't know what was wrong, but I knew this wasn't normal, even for a teen. It would take 25 years before I found out about bipolar/manic-depression. It nearly destroyed my life.
One day, my mother just took me and left the house. I didn't know my parents were breaking up; everything happened without any warning at all. The next day, I was in a strange new house sleeping on a mattress on the floor. I didn't even have time to take the cat with me.
I didn't know what I was. I thought I was an alien or psychotic. I just didn't know what was wrong with me. Sunlight and indoor light bothered me. It hurt my eyes. I hated going out in the daytime. Nights were much more better. Secretly I would eat raw beef liver and hamburger. I would feel better after doing this. I would eat steak rare secretly. I didn't know about being sanguine when I was a teen; I just thought it was part of me being weird. Maybe I'm really some kind of alien that was left here. I would hope that whoever left me would come back for me. I had attempted suicide by taking too much pain meds; it didn't work I only fell asleep. I prayed to God to for Death to come take me. I felt something coming and then I got scared and prayed for it to go away. Too scared to live and too scared to die.
When I got to college, I took chemistry and physics. I learned about how things are made and the structure of matter and energy. It caused me to think that there is a God. How elements have energy shelves and about atomic structures and stuff. I saw God within chemistry and physics; it helped me believe in God again.
So I started searching for God. I went to various churches and listened to people. I even converted to Conservative Judaism for a while. I visited a Hindu temple and went to a Santeria service. Read about Buddhism and Islam. I was hungry for spirituality. I wanted to know God and have a relationship. I also wanted to know what was wrong with me. Maybe God could tell me.
One day, I was in Border's bookstore downtown. You can go on the second floor and read books and drink coffee and stuff. I was in the spirituality section when I saw this book about Wicca. I never heard of Wicca, so out of curiosity I read the book. It was one of those books from Llewellyn. I liked the nature angle, God is male/female, God is within everything and everything is in God (pantheism). I read about different gods and goddesses. I tried to join a coven and learn more, but the lady didn't want me. So most of what I know is from books and reading stuff online and message boards. I was solitary.
I looked to my heritage to choose a pantheon to work with. I am West African/Cherokee/Germanic. I like the values and strengths of Asatru. I felt an affinity with Heimdall and the Vanir, but I couldn't deal with the racialism and paranoia of some of the people. So I chose to work with the Egyptian deities. I got this book called Invocation of the Gods by Ellen Cannon Reed. She talked about Lady Aset and Lord Asar and the other deities. I enjoyed the stories about the deities and wanted to know more. I visited a group for people who practice Traditional African religions. It was awesome. The deities would come and visit people. You could actually talk with a deity! It kind of reminded me of the Apostolic church. I started to learn more about the Egyptian deities. I began to have dreams about Lord Tehuti and Lady Sekhmet.
I wasn't good at magic. I tried a love spell, but it didn't work. I would speak with the elements, but that's all I did. I still speak to the sylphs on a windy day. Just say hello. I tried to get to know Lord Tehuti and Lady Seshat, but it wasn't easy. I wanted to have a real relationship with God.
Finally, one day I was bored and surfing MSN chat. I came upon Christian Chat World. I visited it and listened to the people. I told them that I was a Pagan of the Ancient Egyptian Tradition. To my surprise, they didn't judge me. They asked questions about why I was a Pagan. We talked about Jesus and religion and spirituality.
I found out that I had some wrong ideas about Christianity. I learned that my mother was involved in a cult; that wasn't real Christianity. I began to read bible. I saw how Lord Jesus had real compassion for people. He cared for people, even gave them food and healed them. I continued to go to Christian Chat World to learn more about Jesus. At the same time I started listening to Bible Answer Man on radio.
On 26 February 2003, I became a Christian. I prayed with the people on Christian Chat World. I returned to the church that I felt closest to God; Greek Orthodox. I am a newbie Christian still learning about God and myself. I pray to understand how to receive and give love to people. I'm not a pantheist anymore; I'm more of a panentheist now. I enjoy receiving the sacraments when I do go to church. I like reading the bible now and try to read as much as I can.
Today I am doing much better dealing with being bipolar and DID. I am slowly learning to have faith in God and accept myself. I have learned much in my short time here. I thank God for this forum.
Peace and Long Life
~*~ Epiphany ~*~
