Engaged

[Kelly42105]

I have been engaged to such a wonderful man who treats me with respect and love and has been there as friends and also as a significant other through my past abusive relationships as well as my illnesses. Although, the closer we get to the wedding day (although I am excited) it seems to bother me about his past, in which he says he regrets and wishes he had waited for me to be his first love and wishes he did not have sexual relations with whom he already has. He tries to comfort me and understand my feelings, and I would just like advice on what we should do on account he has had a number of past lovers? Although he told them he never wanted to get married, nor did he care about them, I still feel that there is that connection with a person once you have intercouse. I am just wondering if there will be something missing from our relationship/marriage becuase of this....i would love to hear from all of your personal experience, becuase other than this EVERYTHING is really good with us, meaning we are able to work out our problems and talk and we just simply enjoy one another and really, I cannot wait to marry him, but I just feel bad (hurt) that I am one of numerous girls to have intercourse with him! What should I do and oh my goodness, what should I really be feeling??
I love you all, to whom help me and give me any advice, it means so much to me...sorry for rambling.
God Bless

 

[goldenviolet]

you aren't rambling honey. you will both work through this. i think forgiving him and working through it together is really your only option. continue to ask God to help you with how you feel.

 

[Kelly42105]

Thank you very much for your opinion and support, if you think of anything else or any particular verses or quotes that could later help me, that you come accross feel free to instant message me....or if you ever just would like to check in, and by the way your grandson is adorable, congratulations!!
God Bless

 

[Akathist]

You asked for bible verses, here is some:

"If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." (1 John 1:9)

"Repent therefore and be converted, that your sins may be blotted out, so that times of refreshing may come from the presence of the Lord." (Acts 3:19)​

"I, even I, am He who blots out your transgressions for My own sake; and I will not remember your sins. Put Me in remembrance; let us contend together; state your case, that you may be acquitted." (Isaiah 43:25-26)​

"Come now and let us reason together," says the Lord,
"Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow." (Isaiah 1:18)
​

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away, behold, all things have become new." (2 Corinthians 5:17)​

"In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins, according to the riches of His grace." (Ephesians 1:7)​

I assume your boyfriend is a Christian. If he has confessed and has repented (turned away) from his past sins these bible verses indicate he is restored to righteousness. He will need to continue to repent (in that I mean, continue to be turned away from this past sin) to remain in righteousness but the former sins are forgiven.

If he is not also a Christian, then I would suggest the two of you wait until he has made a committment to follow Christ.

Here is the verse that convicts me on this subject:

"Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. For what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? And what communion has light with darkness? And what accord has Christ with Belial? Or what part has a believer with an unbeliever? And what agreement has the temple of God with idols? For you are the temple of the living God." (2 Corinthians 6:14)

But remember, even though he may have had lovers in the past, if he has repented and confessed he is forgiven and returned to righteousness. Therefore, you would not be unequally yoked.

Here is another thought. All sin is bad. Therefore, consider that you yourself have sinned in life. The bible says that we have all sinned and fallen short of the Glory of God.

So, therefore, you are equal to your boyfriend since you have had some kind of sin also and you have also (I assume) repented and confessed.

Hope that helps.

 

[Kelly42105]

Your verses have helped, especially Isaiah 1:18, that verse really did speak to me, thank you very much! And yes Ryan, my fiance is a christian, although he has just started to come out with it, he says that he has always believed in God but his mother turned him away from church and things of outwardly expression of christianity, so he is a believer but now is embracing it! So I really am happy with your constructive advice, it helped a lot! Thank you thank you thank you,
God Bless

 

[UnitynLove]

If he is repentant than his past should be forgotten just like God has forgotten your past.

 

[Onlythingavailable]

Forgiving is indeed the most important thing, but I think you should also try to figure out why it's bothering you. It's important to know what makes us angry. I'm afraid I'm not of any real help in trying to figure out what's annoying you. The only thing I can say is that his sin is in the past, and the past is gone. The future and present remain, and that time is shared only by you and your fiancé, and God I hope.

 

[bliz]

You have had past abusive relationships... how long ago was the last one?

He has had many sexual partners... how long ago was the last one?

What Christian counseling have each of you received?

He has only recently been o pen about his faith... how long has that been?

I have this feeling that this marriage is being rushed a little... that in different ways, both of your are hoping that your marriage will fix things in your lives. This is not a great way to get married.

Have the two of your had premarital counseling? I'm not saying "Don't get married!" but rather, there are some things that should probably be sorted out before marriage.

 

[Kelly42105]

You have had past abusive relationships... how long ago was the last one?

He has had many sexual partners... how long ago was the last one?

What Christian counseling have each of you received?

He has only recently been o pen about his faith... how long has that been?

I have this feeling that this marriage is being rushed a little... that in different ways, both of your are hoping that your marriage will fix things in your lives. This is not a great way to get married.

Have the two of your had premarital counseling? I'm not saying "Don't get married!" but rather, there are some things that should probably be sorted out before marriage.

I have only had one past abusive relationship and that was because I was younger and sought out a cool older guy, I had never seriously dated and I wanted to be certain that I did in fact wish to be alone, and the whole time I was with Scott (the abusive b/f) I always knew deep down that I someday wanted it to end between me and him, I've never rushed into anything and when I did with Scott I became controlled by him, he ended up telling me a number of things that led me to believe that I should have sex with him and that otherwise I would be nothing. And growing up with an abusive father I believed that this was how relationships were or atleast how all guys were. So right before we had sex I told him that I really was scared, I did not think he was the guy for me and that I didnt want to have sex and he slammed all of his body weight on me and his response was..." Too Bad!" And that was how I ended up loosing my virginity. I have never been able to talk about it with anyone except Ryan ( back when we were friends). I was with Scott about 3 years ago! It only lasted 2 months, if that, before I found out that he had not only mentally and physically abused me but had also cheated on me! I have been able to work through my feelings about him and what had happened after the help of Ryan.
Ryan as well, had never felt he wanted to get married and part of that was because no one really showed they cared about him, while being with him, and he was cheated on as well!
Ryan and I have known eachother for 4 years and have been dating for about a year and a half! He had never asked a girl to marry him and thought he never would, until he realized that I did not love him for $, intercourse, his looks, what he said, but for who he was, how he has helped me and how he has been there for me through my whole illness and doctor visits, even as a fresh relationship, he had always told me, he will take off work, he felt he needed to be there even if he couldnt do anything, he could atleast be there for support and comfort! We have faced so many things together and we have finally realized that through it all there has been a way we have worked things out and just a couple of days ago.........after I had written this first thread, he and I sat down and talked. We talked so much about his feelings on our relationship, on the marriage, and even on his past. I realize now, from what he has said that it was a time in his life where he was lost, he did not love or care to be loved by them. He had given up on women and he told me about how much he seriously had to think before even asking me out, becuase he wanted to know in his heart that he would not mess a friendship up, and also that he did truly want to be serious with me, becuase he had not really found anyone like this before, it caught him off guard and really made him think and analyze his feelings that he was developing for me! It opened his eyes and showed him after 3 dates that he could really be cared about becuase I saw what an amazingly sweet generous guy he truly was/is!!!! So he asked me out after a year or two of friendship and after three serious dates! In this relationship we have not stepped further without thinking and we both said to one another, "I know you have had problems and there are things (baggage) that we are accepting when agreeing to date seriously!" We both, myself included knew what I was getting into with him, but we said that we cared enough to work through it all and to talk and resolve our issues as they come and present themselves!
Ryan's last woman he has been with was 4 & 1/2 years ago.
I really do appreciate the feedback and opinions, they gave me clarification as to what I pretty much was certain on, all of you have been a big help already!
God truly has blessed this earth with some wonderful, helpful people! Thank you so much
Kelly