Engaged now doubting

[Nola6411]

My fiancé and I have been together for two years it has been great but later in our relationship doubt formed. I wondered if she was the one for me, she's attractive but I find we don't have a lot in common. I feel like I'm changing myself to fit. Anyway I've been to counseling and been told by my fiancé and others its fear, I've been working on myself for months. Well I proposed and I felt peace for the first time instead of frightened by the thought of proposing. But a month later with the wedding already being planned I feel doubtful. I find we both lack self esteem, I feel like I'm doing this all for her because she bugged me for months to propose. I feel like I'm settling and I try to find out what's wrong. I don't know what to do and she wants to marry this year. People are happy for us but at times I feel like I'm falling apart on the inside. Shes attractive, kind, loving and supportive but I'm clueless on how to deal with this. Anyone ever had this, what did you do? Have anyone of you broke an engagement? I don't want to break up but I don't want to live like this anymore.

 

[LottyH]

Hi Nola6411

I really feel for you, it must be tough. On one hand it sounds like you are not ready to marry. But on the other hand it sounds like you don't want to lose her either.

I was very sure of my decision to marry because I knew in my mind the type of values I wanted my future partner to have. Although we are very different in some ways, we share the same faith in God, our moral values are on the same wave length and we talk to each other about everything. Communication is the most important thing especially if you go on to have children as that's when a lot of conflicts can arise. Ups and downs will happen in every marriage so if you are not communicating well things wont be good.

I would strongly advise pre-marriage counselling for both of you together to thrash out what is behind all of this. On the surface it sounds like you've been pressured into doing something you don't want to do. But I don't know what's going on deep down, so I'd continue going to counselling but take your fiance with you. A good counsellor wont tell you what your problem is, but they will guide you so you can figure out yourself what the issues are.

Whatever happens I wish you all the very best. Praying for you

 

[mina]

I 2nd counseling. Do not get married if you feel this way; it is not fair to your spouse or to you. marriage won't solve this; it will make the problem bigger. I don't think any good comes from one partner pressuring the other to propose or to marry; it's just one person trying to get what they want out of the other. This is a huge red flag in my opinion. Do not get married until you have worked all this out. Push back the wedding until this is resolved. She needs to listen to your feelings on this and not just insist on her way or write it off as fear on your part. If she won't listen or care how you feel; then if it were me- I'd break it off. It might hurt; but it will hurt worse later on if you are married and can't stand to be married to this person.

 

[Inkachu]

Do not get married right now. Back up, put the brakes on, do not pass Go!

If you've already been through counseling and you've spent two years working on this relationship, and you're still feeling doubts and hesitations, that's a pretty clear signal (to me) that this isn't the right path for you.

 

[iambren]

Postpone the wedding. You are not in the right inner peace to marry at this time. That dis-ease may be that you aren't ready yet OR that you are not to marry HER forever.

The goal of premarital jitters is NOT to resolve them to make anyone else happy. The goal is to arrive at a Holy Spirit's guided peace. Then it will be a steady joy to take your bride with a loving heart.

Don't feel alone; this is a hard process but an honorable one in light of all the divorces today. This SHOULD be a reflectful process. Seek Him, take time, don't let others push you.

 

[Spunkn]

Red flags everywhere. You need to back off from this relationship a little, and see what it really means to you. Whether you are doing this just to please people, or whether or not this is something you actually want.

 

[CounselorForChrist]

Usually I'd say you are getting cold feet. But theres more going on here. If your changing yourself to fit then it may not be a good match. You should be accepted for who you are really.

 

[LinkH]

For me, my perspective was that since betrothals were like marriage in the Old Testament, if I were going to propose to my wife, I wanted to be completely convinced and settled on the issue before I did it. I know not everyone takes that approach, but that was mine personally. If I were going to ask her father to marry her, I already had to be sure of it. So I settled the issue with God in prayer before I proposed. It was a good thing I had resolve. It was hard to marry someone from her people-group.

When I came back from the trip to meet her parents, I was confused and conflicted. They'd planned the wedding in a language I did not know. I wasn't doubting whether to marry her, though, but about how it was going to happen, and it turned out okay after some struggles and trials with extended family issues.

What are you afraid of actually? Do you think you would be afraid no matter what? Do you think she's not a good match.

Having a lot in common is highly overrated. My wife loves to cook. I don't. But I like to eat. We don't really have that in common, but it works out okay. If your wife likes to do extreme couponing and you don't, does that matter? If you play golf while she does needlepoint, does that matter?

What matters is that you have faith and values in common. You also want to have a philosophy on marriage in common. My wife and I had very similar beliefs on faith. We came from a similar church background, in spite of the fact that we were from opposite time zones. We had a general agreement on the husband and wife's role in marriage, at least on a theoretical level. A lot of things you don't know much about until you do them.

Something else to keep in mind is that you are to love your wife as Christ loved the church. People have gotten married in different ways throughout history. Some got married through arranged marriages sight unseen. Some were set up by their parents with someone in the community they grew up in. In modern times, a lot of us found someone and dated. However you met, a husband must love his wife. The wife is to reverence her husband and submit to him in everything. Marriage is to express something of the mystery of Christ and the church. If you are going to marry this woman, love her and commit to her and resolve to be committed in your decision. If you do decide to marry her, you should not allow yourself to waiver in your commitment at all. It's a waste of time and emotion to sit around thinking you should not have gotten married.

 

[Luther073082]

My fiancé and I have been together for two years it has been great but later in our relationship doubt formed. I wondered if she was the one for me, she's attractive but I find we don't have a lot in common. I feel like I'm changing myself to fit. Anyway I've been to counseling and been told by my fiancé and others its fear, I've been working on myself for months. Well I proposed and I felt peace for the first time instead of frightened by the thought of proposing. But a month later with the wedding already being planned I feel doubtful. I find we both lack self esteem, I feel like I'm doing this all for her because she bugged me for months to propose. I feel like I'm settling and I try to find out what's wrong. I don't know what to do and she wants to marry this year. People are happy for us but at times I feel like I'm falling apart on the inside. Shes attractive, kind, loving and supportive but I'm clueless on how to deal with this. Anyone ever had this, what did you do? Have anyone of you broke an engagement? I don't want to break up but I don't want to live like this anymore.

I would postpone the wedding or something until you get this figured out.

What I want to know is how much you are changing yourself and if she is changing herself too?

Things change when you get married, that's a reality. So if someone says they are changing themselves and things are changing, then I would say that is normal and to be expected.

But it's a question of how much they are changing themselves and it's also a question of if their fiance is making any changes.

I'd also like to know what you mean by feeling like you are settling. Because if you are thinking "well I don't know that I want to do this because I might be able to get someone better." then you should just straight up break up with her and end the relationship now. There is NO room in marriage or in committed relationships to be thinking about if you could find someone better. It is quite frankly completely unacceptable.

You certainly should postpone the wedding because you don't feel confident enough in her at this point to marry.

Be aware though, this may cause her to end the relationship.

 

[paul becke]

I 2nd counseling. Do not get married if you feel this way; it is not fair to your spouse or to you. marriage won't solve this; it will make the problem bigger. I don't think any good comes from one partner pressuring the other to propose or to marry; it's just one person trying to get what they want out of the other. This is a huge red flag in my opinion. Do not get married until you have worked all this out. Push back the wedding until this is resolved. She needs to listen to your feelings on this and not just insist on her way or write it off as fear on your part. If she won't listen or care how you feel; then if it were me- I'd break it off. It might hurt; but it will hurt worse later on if you are married and can't stand to be married to this person.

Absolutely right. You will obviously hurt the girl, but not as much as if you leave until close to the wedding. Or if you divorce her later. My wife's first husband wanted to call it off the night before, but didn't have the heart to do so, knowing the humiliation and grief it would have caused her.

They divorced about 18 months later and it wasn't pretty, with a back-story that revealed an immaturity on both sides. I believe my wife was someone very special even by high standards, but I felt sorry for both when I heard the story, piece-meal from her. She was always honest.

But the bottom line is: explain to your fiancee, that much as she wants to marry you, there is some unresolved issue in you that means it would only lead to tragedy. Better to pick up your crosses now, than have heavier ones placed on you later that we could have avoided. Time is a great healer, and she may find a good husband quite soon.

It seems a shame that you've been friends for so long and must have come to know each other quite well, but something is baulking the possibility of your becoming best-friends-life-partners with your love growing every day. But if that is the reality, you both need to heed it, imo. Now.

 

[LinkH]

Nola,

I was thinking about your post. You said she's beautiful, kind, etc. Why exactly do you feel like you are settling? Do you think thinks should be more 'magical' -- that if it were right there wouldn't be any internal struggles?

I can't tell you if you are settling or not, but you could also ask yourself whether it could be an issue of your own personal lack of resolve? Are you resolute about other areas in your life? Do you have difficulty making decisions and sticking with things? If you have a problem making commitments and being resolute about things, then maybe that is what needs to be fixed. It's just a suggestion. I don't know you, but it's something to think and pray about. You could ask yourself if you think you would be feeling the same way if you were going to marry anyone else, no matter how good she was.

 

[Adelyn Woodcock]

When in doubt when it comes to marriage, resolve the issues first before getting married. Once you have put the ring on, then there no turning back.