Hi all. This is my first post on this forum... I actually have been praying a lot about this (and won't give up on that) but I found this forum and thought I might as well put some thoughts out there...
First of all, with respect and gentleness, I simply ask that all readers and potential responders are respectful when reading/replying. I have many thoughts and need to get them out to some fellow Christians who may or may not have been in a similar situation as me, and I simply am looking for a little bit of help, if anyone has any to offer.
I feel like I should provide some background info, and I also apologize in advance if this gets a bit long. I am not married, but for the past year and a half, I have been dating a guy who was not raised in a Christian household, and was not always hismself a Christian. I knew him for over a year before we began to date, and I'll admit that faith was not something we discussed when we did begin to date. I did know that he used to be extremely skeptical about God's existence, but I also knew he was not an Atheist at that time. I fully realize that figuring out matters of faith back at that time would have probably been most beneficial (however, I can't change the past) - but, we would attend church together, and not long into the relationship, he began to actually have a stronger longing for God, wanting to seek Him and asking me questions about him, telling me He believed, asking for my prayers and saying he believed God has a reason for everything. All these various things happened at various different times, with no "prodding" or "forcing" from me (because I know that isn't right), especially during a particularly tough time for us involving someone from his past saying nasty things about him & our relationship... and that's why I was absolutely thrilled by them, because although I hadn't exactly made faith a big part of the equation when we got together, it was really wonderful that he seemed to be making God a bigger part of his life now and it was something I wanted us to do together. (After all, I certainly could have used improvements on my own relationship with God - that's not really something that you ever have to stop working on though!)
Over time, we experienced more kinda tough times, none of which included abuse, cheating, or lying, but which did include some icky communication habits on both of our behalf. I am proud to say we absolutely used them to improve how we communicate... but, over time, as I'm looking back on it, I realize that his passion and his want for a relationship with God also deteriorated. I guess what I'm saying is, our mutual spiritual walk that we were taking, just kind of went downhill. The reason I bring up the tough times is because I'm wondering if that's what caused it? I have absolutely no idea if that even makes any sense... or if it's because we were searching for a new church home and church was no longer attended every Sunday by us like it used to be, or if we didn't provide enough spiritual encouragement for one another, or if daily life just got the best of us, or if all of what I'm saying just sounds really stupid
... either way, I came to realize recently that he is now nowhere near as interested in God as he used to be, and actually seems pretty skeptical again, and I've realized the extent of this because of a couple of conversations we had recently..
Long story short, somehow the topic of the future came up, and we began discussing children and faith. He said he wasn't sure anymore if he would feel comfortable with children of ours going to church to learn about a God that could not be proven (or disproven). This was the first time I had ever heard him say anything like that. I told him right away how I felt about that - if I took my children to church to share in something that's been so wonderful for me, yet my spouse was opposed, how could we run a harmonious household like that? I didn't think that would work, and I told him that. He did apologize for seeming disrespectful, and it ended up resolved (if you could say that...for the time being), but not long after we had that conversation, we had another discussion that ended up more tense because he said he worried about "being in a competition with God." This shocked me and I told him that God was going to continue being a big part of my life and, once again, I didn't know how we would be married with him thinking that. By this point, I was baffled, but when I explained to him how I felt about it, he did end up apologizing and saying that had been a dumb thing to say, and that he wished he could take it back & he would always completely respect my faith without question, but he didn't know if he had it himself.
I can't seem to find a proper way to discuss this with him further. My big thing is that I want to be respectful, and I wouldn't know how to maintain respect by pressing him with questions about why exactly his faith has deteriorated. These faith conversations have actually been had a couple of different times in order to lead to the conclusion that he would always respect me having faith even if he didn't really think it'd work for him. I have prayed, and I fully know and understand the verse about being "unequally yoked" - I understand God's reasoning for this, and honestly, the desire of my heart (and a path I thought we were once headed down, and was thankful about it) is to have a Christian marriage. So, my question is not "Should I break up with this guy or stay with him?" It's more along the lines of... I have tried to discuss this with him, but am lost as to precisely how to explain my reasoning for ending the relationship if it is what I must do? I consider myself a respectful and open-minded person, who really wants to be kind to all people, but if I build my life around my faith, whereas he is no longer making it a priority, I don't honestly see how we'd have a super strong marriage in all ways. My problem is, if our conversations lead to him saying "I'll always respect you and we can still make it work even if our beliefs aren't quite the same," what do I say to that while maintaining respect? Has anyone been in a similar situation? I have been praying for God's will to be done, and if he and I truly aren't meant to be together, to please give me guidance and whatever I need to move to where I'm supposed to be... should I be praying differently? If my boyfriend is no longer interested in living a faith-based lifestyle, he could not fully (nor could I fairly expect him to) completely understand reasoning for ending a relationship such as this. It wouldn't make sense to him. I am just so confused as to what to do, and the "how" of this, not really the "why"...because I understand why. I have prayed in the past for both our faiths to grow and remain strong, but now lately, I am terribly worried that a marriage with someone who did not share my faith anymore would just be... lacking. But I don't know how to talk about this. How to resolve it.
I do not believe that because someone's faith is lacking automatically means they're going to treat everyone in their life like crap, and he certainly doesn't! He is open and honest with me, enjoys making me laugh, asks for my input on things, values my opinion, looks out for me to make sure I'm doing okay... he's gentle and respectful to me, so there aren't any additional red flags or big problems here.
Like I said, I will continue praying, but any advice would be appreciated.
First of all, with respect and gentleness, I simply ask that all readers and potential responders are respectful when reading/replying. I have many thoughts and need to get them out to some fellow Christians who may or may not have been in a similar situation as me, and I simply am looking for a little bit of help, if anyone has any to offer.
I feel like I should provide some background info, and I also apologize in advance if this gets a bit long. I am not married, but for the past year and a half, I have been dating a guy who was not raised in a Christian household, and was not always hismself a Christian. I knew him for over a year before we began to date, and I'll admit that faith was not something we discussed when we did begin to date. I did know that he used to be extremely skeptical about God's existence, but I also knew he was not an Atheist at that time. I fully realize that figuring out matters of faith back at that time would have probably been most beneficial (however, I can't change the past) - but, we would attend church together, and not long into the relationship, he began to actually have a stronger longing for God, wanting to seek Him and asking me questions about him, telling me He believed, asking for my prayers and saying he believed God has a reason for everything. All these various things happened at various different times, with no "prodding" or "forcing" from me (because I know that isn't right), especially during a particularly tough time for us involving someone from his past saying nasty things about him & our relationship... and that's why I was absolutely thrilled by them, because although I hadn't exactly made faith a big part of the equation when we got together, it was really wonderful that he seemed to be making God a bigger part of his life now and it was something I wanted us to do together. (After all, I certainly could have used improvements on my own relationship with God - that's not really something that you ever have to stop working on though!)
Over time, we experienced more kinda tough times, none of which included abuse, cheating, or lying, but which did include some icky communication habits on both of our behalf. I am proud to say we absolutely used them to improve how we communicate... but, over time, as I'm looking back on it, I realize that his passion and his want for a relationship with God also deteriorated. I guess what I'm saying is, our mutual spiritual walk that we were taking, just kind of went downhill. The reason I bring up the tough times is because I'm wondering if that's what caused it? I have absolutely no idea if that even makes any sense... or if it's because we were searching for a new church home and church was no longer attended every Sunday by us like it used to be, or if we didn't provide enough spiritual encouragement for one another, or if daily life just got the best of us, or if all of what I'm saying just sounds really stupid
... either way, I came to realize recently that he is now nowhere near as interested in God as he used to be, and actually seems pretty skeptical again, and I've realized the extent of this because of a couple of conversations we had recently..Long story short, somehow the topic of the future came up, and we began discussing children and faith. He said he wasn't sure anymore if he would feel comfortable with children of ours going to church to learn about a God that could not be proven (or disproven). This was the first time I had ever heard him say anything like that. I told him right away how I felt about that - if I took my children to church to share in something that's been so wonderful for me, yet my spouse was opposed, how could we run a harmonious household like that? I didn't think that would work, and I told him that. He did apologize for seeming disrespectful, and it ended up resolved (if you could say that...for the time being), but not long after we had that conversation, we had another discussion that ended up more tense because he said he worried about "being in a competition with God." This shocked me and I told him that God was going to continue being a big part of my life and, once again, I didn't know how we would be married with him thinking that. By this point, I was baffled, but when I explained to him how I felt about it, he did end up apologizing and saying that had been a dumb thing to say, and that he wished he could take it back & he would always completely respect my faith without question, but he didn't know if he had it himself.
I can't seem to find a proper way to discuss this with him further. My big thing is that I want to be respectful, and I wouldn't know how to maintain respect by pressing him with questions about why exactly his faith has deteriorated. These faith conversations have actually been had a couple of different times in order to lead to the conclusion that he would always respect me having faith even if he didn't really think it'd work for him. I have prayed, and I fully know and understand the verse about being "unequally yoked" - I understand God's reasoning for this, and honestly, the desire of my heart (and a path I thought we were once headed down, and was thankful about it) is to have a Christian marriage. So, my question is not "Should I break up with this guy or stay with him?" It's more along the lines of... I have tried to discuss this with him, but am lost as to precisely how to explain my reasoning for ending the relationship if it is what I must do? I consider myself a respectful and open-minded person, who really wants to be kind to all people, but if I build my life around my faith, whereas he is no longer making it a priority, I don't honestly see how we'd have a super strong marriage in all ways. My problem is, if our conversations lead to him saying "I'll always respect you and we can still make it work even if our beliefs aren't quite the same," what do I say to that while maintaining respect? Has anyone been in a similar situation? I have been praying for God's will to be done, and if he and I truly aren't meant to be together, to please give me guidance and whatever I need to move to where I'm supposed to be... should I be praying differently? If my boyfriend is no longer interested in living a faith-based lifestyle, he could not fully (nor could I fairly expect him to) completely understand reasoning for ending a relationship such as this. It wouldn't make sense to him. I am just so confused as to what to do, and the "how" of this, not really the "why"...because I understand why. I have prayed in the past for both our faiths to grow and remain strong, but now lately, I am terribly worried that a marriage with someone who did not share my faith anymore would just be... lacking. But I don't know how to talk about this. How to resolve it.
I do not believe that because someone's faith is lacking automatically means they're going to treat everyone in their life like crap, and he certainly doesn't! He is open and honest with me, enjoys making me laugh, asks for my input on things, values my opinion, looks out for me to make sure I'm doing okay... he's gentle and respectful to me, so there aren't any additional red flags or big problems here.
Like I said, I will continue praying, but any advice would be appreciated.
