Please listen to my story with an open heart.
Well, I have struggled with homosexuality since I was in 9th grade I think. When I began the struggle is a little fuzzy.
In 7th grade I was almost raped by my best friend's older brother, but the Lord quickened me and gave me the ability to get out of the house.
A year before that my parents divorced and my dad tried to make me go with him, but I refused because I still felt he was the one who ended the marriage indefinitely. Yes, my mother left him for another man but came back and begged for forgiveness that she did not receive because my father always cared more for his congregation than he did his own family. Yes, I come from the Church of God as well as a long line of pastors within and I am one of the 'chosen' sons of this denomination.
When my father moved away for whatever selfish reason it was, which by the way included loyalty to the very denomination that the devil was using to rip my family to shreds, I stayed with my mother who despite was she did, I never blamed. You see, I grew up with a father who was always there physically, but always tending to the church's needs and not his own flesh and blood's and his world fell apart rightly so.
All that being said, I have a strong relationship with my father, my mother, and the majority of my close family members today. I still hold many statements that I believed when I was a teenager and when I was rebellious to be indefinitely true but I have made a cavalier effort to accept them for what they are and love my dad, mother, and other family members in spite of what they allowed Satan to do to me both emotionally and psychologically.
I know this is a lot to read, but please bear with me.
When I graduated high school, I wanted to bust hell wide open. I was tired of living a certain way because I was told to. I wanted to make my own choices. Because I was foolish and stubborn, the Lord allowed me to stray but He was always with me. In my 'searching' years he hid me, so that my reputation would be in tact when I returned to the fold which I indeed did but with a different perspective than the one that I had left with.
I was involved in a homosexual relationship for 5 months in which I thought I was 'in love.' Now, the whole entire time of this 'love' relationship I was depressed, angry, bitter, hateful, tired, cynical, etc. I saw myself becoming something that I did not like. Then, randomly in the midst of the relationship it came to an abrupt end by my hand. The Lord quickened me in the middle of the night and he spoke, "Enough," and there was a moment of divine clarity. That night I began to get my life back on track all the while fighting the person I was in a 'relationship' with. He did not want me to go and would not 'let go' for the life of him, no matter how much I pulled away and the only answer was to move 10 hours away and to a different college.
Now, when I said there was a moment of clarity before.. let me elaborate. The Lord allowed me to see this for what it really was and to understand homosexuality from the homosexuals point of view and why they resist Jesus so much. I was blind as many are today because I fell into the trap and was deceived. I don't know what the reason is for this but for everything there is a purpose and God doesn't let us suffer without a purpose.
The Lord has called me to evangelism and counseling, but not in the States. He has also promised me a wife and three sons. I still struggle with homosexuality to this day and I don't believe I will ever be free from the temptation of it. But I'm here to remind myself and others that just because you are tempted, does NOT mean you are bound. Some days are worse than others, and some days are great. I feel alone every single day and I just have to take it strides because the Church of God community especially is cold, out of touch, and cruel to people who are struggling with homosexuality. We wonder why homosexuals hate us and the answer is in the mirror.
I don't understand why God has chosen me to bear this burden and frankly I don't care, because God knows what is best for me and He is in control of my life. I love Him and one day I will have a family of my own and a ministry and I will most likely continue to be persecuted by the enemy in my mind. Welcome to Earth. But one thing is for sure. One day I will no longer have to put up with this and I will reside in heaven with my Lord and Savior and I will proclaim to the enemy, "I'm smarter than you." Why smarter? Because I'm learning to accept this temptation as a daily thing I'm going to face and by preparing the right way, I can battle it the right way.
If I wake up everyday thinking I've been miraculously cured of temptation (which is impossible, because then there would be no reason to follow God), then I won't know how to face it because I'm approaching it as if I've been relieved of temptation. By waking up in the morning and thinking that I will possibly be visited by the homosexual temptation, I'm preparing myself how to make the right choice when I am indefinitely approached.
I have a strong relationship with God and will continue to grow closer to Him. I wish I didn't have to deal with this, but I do and life is solely about the cards your dealt... It's how you play them that matters.
I started writing this to ask for help really because I'm having a down day, but I ended up affirming myself again. I hope someone needs to hear what I wrote. I don't claim to have all the answers but I think I'm on the right path to joy even if their are strings attached.
I LOVE JESUS CHRIST. I EMBRACE THE HOLY SPIRIT AND I DENY THE FLESH POWER IN MY LIFE.
Let me finish by saying this... Keep me in your prayers. I know what I'm up against and I know what I'm capable of and I never want to be in that place again. And this....
~There are two wolves living in each and every one of us and there is a constant battle between the two. One is good and one is evil. Which one wins? Whichever one you feed.~
Thank you for listening.
~Lonelyboy
Well, I have struggled with homosexuality since I was in 9th grade I think. When I began the struggle is a little fuzzy.
In 7th grade I was almost raped by my best friend's older brother, but the Lord quickened me and gave me the ability to get out of the house.
A year before that my parents divorced and my dad tried to make me go with him, but I refused because I still felt he was the one who ended the marriage indefinitely. Yes, my mother left him for another man but came back and begged for forgiveness that she did not receive because my father always cared more for his congregation than he did his own family. Yes, I come from the Church of God as well as a long line of pastors within and I am one of the 'chosen' sons of this denomination.
When my father moved away for whatever selfish reason it was, which by the way included loyalty to the very denomination that the devil was using to rip my family to shreds, I stayed with my mother who despite was she did, I never blamed. You see, I grew up with a father who was always there physically, but always tending to the church's needs and not his own flesh and blood's and his world fell apart rightly so.
All that being said, I have a strong relationship with my father, my mother, and the majority of my close family members today. I still hold many statements that I believed when I was a teenager and when I was rebellious to be indefinitely true but I have made a cavalier effort to accept them for what they are and love my dad, mother, and other family members in spite of what they allowed Satan to do to me both emotionally and psychologically.
I know this is a lot to read, but please bear with me.
When I graduated high school, I wanted to bust hell wide open. I was tired of living a certain way because I was told to. I wanted to make my own choices. Because I was foolish and stubborn, the Lord allowed me to stray but He was always with me. In my 'searching' years he hid me, so that my reputation would be in tact when I returned to the fold which I indeed did but with a different perspective than the one that I had left with.
I was involved in a homosexual relationship for 5 months in which I thought I was 'in love.' Now, the whole entire time of this 'love' relationship I was depressed, angry, bitter, hateful, tired, cynical, etc. I saw myself becoming something that I did not like. Then, randomly in the midst of the relationship it came to an abrupt end by my hand. The Lord quickened me in the middle of the night and he spoke, "Enough," and there was a moment of divine clarity. That night I began to get my life back on track all the while fighting the person I was in a 'relationship' with. He did not want me to go and would not 'let go' for the life of him, no matter how much I pulled away and the only answer was to move 10 hours away and to a different college.
Now, when I said there was a moment of clarity before.. let me elaborate. The Lord allowed me to see this for what it really was and to understand homosexuality from the homosexuals point of view and why they resist Jesus so much. I was blind as many are today because I fell into the trap and was deceived. I don't know what the reason is for this but for everything there is a purpose and God doesn't let us suffer without a purpose.
The Lord has called me to evangelism and counseling, but not in the States. He has also promised me a wife and three sons. I still struggle with homosexuality to this day and I don't believe I will ever be free from the temptation of it. But I'm here to remind myself and others that just because you are tempted, does NOT mean you are bound. Some days are worse than others, and some days are great. I feel alone every single day and I just have to take it strides because the Church of God community especially is cold, out of touch, and cruel to people who are struggling with homosexuality. We wonder why homosexuals hate us and the answer is in the mirror.
I don't understand why God has chosen me to bear this burden and frankly I don't care, because God knows what is best for me and He is in control of my life. I love Him and one day I will have a family of my own and a ministry and I will most likely continue to be persecuted by the enemy in my mind. Welcome to Earth. But one thing is for sure. One day I will no longer have to put up with this and I will reside in heaven with my Lord and Savior and I will proclaim to the enemy, "I'm smarter than you." Why smarter? Because I'm learning to accept this temptation as a daily thing I'm going to face and by preparing the right way, I can battle it the right way.
If I wake up everyday thinking I've been miraculously cured of temptation (which is impossible, because then there would be no reason to follow God), then I won't know how to face it because I'm approaching it as if I've been relieved of temptation. By waking up in the morning and thinking that I will possibly be visited by the homosexual temptation, I'm preparing myself how to make the right choice when I am indefinitely approached.
I have a strong relationship with God and will continue to grow closer to Him. I wish I didn't have to deal with this, but I do and life is solely about the cards your dealt... It's how you play them that matters.
I started writing this to ask for help really because I'm having a down day, but I ended up affirming myself again. I hope someone needs to hear what I wrote. I don't claim to have all the answers but I think I'm on the right path to joy even if their are strings attached.
I LOVE JESUS CHRIST. I EMBRACE THE HOLY SPIRIT AND I DENY THE FLESH POWER IN MY LIFE.
Let me finish by saying this... Keep me in your prayers. I know what I'm up against and I know what I'm capable of and I never want to be in that place again. And this....
~There are two wolves living in each and every one of us and there is a constant battle between the two. One is good and one is evil. Which one wins? Whichever one you feed.~
Thank you for listening.
~Lonelyboy
