Empty nesting

[quartzy]

My daughter has left home for three years now, and gradually she is a different person. I have a grand daughter too. But the pain is very apparent as my daughter does not seem to care about me anymore. She has no cuddle for me and wants to limit any contact to only when she wants contact. About once a month. I am in so much pain and realise that I need to create a new life for myself. But I dont know where to begin. Not with all this pain and stress I have. Anyone else in the same boat?

 

[Sandycane]

Yes, a similar boat...
It's hard to accept when our children don't need us any more, but their independence is a good thing.
We need to refocus all that energy we devoted to them back to ourselves now.

I read an article several years ago that talked about the third stage of a woman's life (1 being before children/family, 2 during, and 3 after). Women in this stage of life are not only capable of amazing personal and spiritual growth, but are also able to make tremendous contributions to society.

That said, in reality, it's hard to "move on" when a loved one is missing.

 

[rebornfree]

Hi quartzy,

I'm sorry you're hurting so much. I'm not in the same boat, as we never had children, and that can hurt too, especially when I'm around families.

I wouldn't take your daughter's attitude too seriously. I suspect it's just part of being a young adult, and wanting some independence, but don't mistake that for lack of care. I think you're right about creating a new life for yourself. What about hobbies or interests? Perhaps join a daytime/evening class. Do you work, or could you volunteer? What about your church, and also keeping fit? Also the internet is excellent for those times at home, when we can't go out. I think if you don't expect too much from her and get on with other things it will help your relationship.

I know losses really hurt, and maybe you do have to go through a grieving process for that time of your life when she was at home. I found doing a book of memories helped when I had a loss. I cried my eyes out but the tears were cleansing and healing, and then I found myself getting interested in other things again.

I know I haven't been through the same thing, but I hope that helps, and remember that the Lord knows and feels for you. for you, and a

 

[quartzy]

thank you both for your encouraging words. will heed your advice. had an op so cant write much right now

 

[rainbowpromise]

Yes and No.

We have five kids, the oldest is 37 in two weeks, the youngest two are 28 year old twins.

We have come through some rough times with some of the kids. Some are still deluded.
Same goes with my mom. She had five and only two of us have come around. Yep, even I avoided her for a long time.

We, as parents don't have instruction manuals for each kid. We do our best, but when the kids act against us, we have to let it go and wait till they are ready.

Although in my case I am pretty sure that my oldest daughter will not come around. The epilepsy and the meds for epilepsy are taking away her memory. There is nothing good left of her memories of me.

 

[Galilee63]

This is the time whereby I would be praying to Jesus and our Blessed Virgin Mary Mother of God asking for God's Holy Callings to be received by you Quartzy while trusting in Jesus to give these to you.

If you are interested in receiving Jesus' Holy Callings, just PM at any time and I will let you know how I received mine from Jesus Himself and our Blessed Virgin Mary, Mother of God,

A word of warning, once you receive God's Holy Callings, he keeps people extremely busy! However, there are breaks in between LOL!

Love and kindest wishes your Sister in Jesus Christ our Saviour

 

[quartzy]

Thanks Galliee
At the moment I am trying to settle into a new home so I think that my calling is that for now. As the stress is high with it all. God bless

 

[Galilee63]

Thank you for your reply Quartzy!

Well, you would be extremely busy with your new home!

Don't forget to establish a veggie garden weather permitting Quartzy and just realise that your Daughter, in her new Role as Mother is learning and enjoying this role as you have experienced. How beautiful that your Daughter is standing on her two feet thanks to your wonderful job as Mother to Her through Jesus and our Heavenly Mother Mary. At the end of the day, be joyous that both of them are healthy, safe and happy!

Love and kindest wishes your Sister in Jesus Christ our Saviour

 

[Galilee63]

I will include you in The Holy Rosaries prayed Rainbow Promise and for your Daughter's health and wellbeing,

What a beautiful Mother you are Annette,

Love and kindest wishes your Sister in Jesus Christ our Saviour

 

[quartzy]

Anettee
thank you for responding to my post. I really do think that day to day is the most important, even though some of our kids are stuck in the past with unforgiven hurts. I am talking of your daughter with epilepsy, thank God she still needs you with that illness.

 

[country woman]

I am sorry you are going through this
give your daughter room to express herself and expeience life on her own
she will come around
I went through it when my daughter left home
when she left I was lonesome but made friends and now I am married and my daughter
lives close to me and we talk often
We have a great relationship now

 

[If Not For Grace]

Call me a bird..I could not wait..for mine to go and be on their own and see what they would become.. 2-3 have done Very Well. The other is a deadbeat living off his RN wife..but that is not my circus or my monkey. In today's world, they Skype, IM, FB and yap...and occasionally visit in person..when do you have time..to miss out? IF I do I can go visit them..and personally that's the way I like it.

 

[quartzy]

I think that circumstances are different when you have more than one child

 

[mimibeloved]

Quartzy you have all my sympathy, I know how you feel. My only child, my daughter, emigrated immediately after finishing her studies, in January, and I grieve as though she has died. The pain of missing her is unbearable. I'm also deeply hurt that she is ok with the fact that we haven't seen each other since, nor will we ever see much of each other again. She is happy about starting a new life there with her boyfriend and I try to hide my grief from her. I don't think I'll ever get over losing her. I know kids leave home, but I always thought that we would visit sometimes. I also grieve because I will not see my grandchildren, if there are any.

 

[mimibeloved]

For me skyping etc is useless. There is no space for connecting and bonding there. Texting, all that stuff, is meaningless. Real closeness, for me, is about spending time together, in person, and caring and supporting.

 

[quartzy]

Yes, I agree mimi for me when I do see her it is all about arguing and if I need advice I will ask for it when I say anything about my granddaughter. It is like they say OK you brought me up and now I am free to leave you if I want. My daughter even said to me you should not have had a child if you wanted her to look after you. Well I dont want that but company yes. At least I have my two cats. And one day you may learn how to Skype and get a computer.

 

[mimibeloved]

Quartzy I do sometimes skype my daughter but it is not the same.
You know how moms love their daughters, it never ends. Love is forever and that's real love. Maybe if I had a husband it would be easier, I don't know.
No one can take her place in my life though.
I am basically shocked that her mom now suddenly means so little to her.
I pray that time will make it easier, and for you too.

 

[quartzy]

yeah understood and agreed on
God bless

 

[faroukfarouk]

Quartzy you have all my sympathy, I know how you feel. My only child, my daughter, emigrated immediately after finishing her studies, in January, and I grieve as though she has died. The pain of missing her is unbearable. I'm also deeply hurt that she is ok with the fact that we haven't seen each other since, nor will we ever see much of each other again. She is happy about starting a new life there with her boyfriend and I try to hide my grief from her. I don't think I'll ever get over losing her. I know kids leave home, but I always thought that we would visit sometimes. I also grieve because I will not see my grandchildren, if there are any.

Don't lose hope; air fares have come down a lot.