emotionless

[MemoriesXx]

I don't really talk about what happened to me, every.
But the few times I have, I've just felt so emotionless. Like, I'm completely detached from myself and the memories. Like I'm talking about someone else or something.. i dont know
It seems weird, because while I feel so emotionless while talking about it, but then when the memories come back to hunt me at night. It kills inside. I can barely cope.

Is this crazy? I am crazy?
I feel like even if i try to get help, noone will believe me.

Katherine

 

[Criada]

Your not crazy, sweetie Dissociation is quite a common way of the brain coping with trauma.
If you can, sweetie, try to find someone you trust who you can talk to, because it is important to deal with the emotions and pain.
I tried to ignore it for a long time, but then it hit me and I had to deal with it twenty five years after it happened. Don't let that happen to you, sweetie - get some help while you are still young, and don't let someone else's actions mess up the rest of your life.
If you need to talk, PM me (you'll need to make a few more posts first) - or I can send you my email address.

Hang in there, sweetie, you *can* make it through this, but you will need some help.

 

[spazlegs]

Definitely what Sarah said. The emotions when you let them will overwhelm you, so you cut yourself off from them. Unfortunately that cuts off joy, and peace too. You are engaged in a battle with yourself all the time to keep the emotions at bay, but at night when your guard is down as you drift off to sleep they come roaring back. Am I describing it fairly well?

See, you aren't the only one. Others have dealt with it too. Do find a good therapist you can trust, one who works with you instead of sitting there like a passive lump in her or his chair.

And come back here, this is a community of people who have gone through similar things.

 

[Mayflower1]

I use to feel this way the few times I did tell my story. but then, the more I told it, the more feelings I felt. the feelings are hard to feel, because you will feel anger, sadness, hurt, and grief towards what happened... but then you will start feeling joy and peace again, and you won't feel so detached.

My flashbacks sometimes would come back as me watching what was happening. so no, you are not alone.

I promise you though, and encourage you to share your story more with people you trust, because then you will be able to start healing.

what has happened has grieved God, who deeply cares for you, and though this can't be redone, God can go in and heal you, and teach you how to forgive the one who did this. He can take off your rags of mourning, and put on you a garment of praise, which you deserve.

You are a precious child of God who is in my prayers. Please pm me when you post enough, if you ever need to talk. Know that you are not in this alone.

Shara

 

[MemoriesXx]

I kinda have a counsellor, but it just feels like I sit there and go round in circles going anywhere. She says i don't have to talk about what happened, i don't know whether its good or bad.. isn't the point of it to work through the issues? not just avoid them? I tend to look down and have to fiddle with things while im talking, even talking about my friends suicide last week, I just felt so emotionless talking about it.. but now, thinking about it. its kills that shes not here. so, i look down, hoping she can't see the fact that im so emotionless. i feel like she'll think im weird or making it up or something.
I don't know whether to keep going with the counselling. I feel like its going nowhere. but i dont know where else to turn for help. if a specialist can't help me, who can?

Thanks for letting me know im not crazy though.
spazlegs- yes thats how i feel.
lily00- sometimes my flashbacks are like that too. they're the ones that are easier to deal with.. because it doesn't feel like his doing those things to me.

 

[spazlegs]

You need a different counselor, this one is too passive. And you have to deal with it before it destroys all peace for you.
Sarah talks up EMDR and she's right it does work.

 

[MemoriesXx]

hmmm. maybe. but i dont know how to go about finding another one. plus, they're soooo expensive!

 

[ChristInAction]

aw, hun. if you're crazy, then I am too. you could be discribing me right now. thought i was the only one!
its so hard, but there are places who can do counselling for free, you just have to look around for it.
don't settle for what you have because of price if its not helping. hang in there.

 

[Mayflower1]

Memories. I know this is hard, please give yourself some time. I remember sitting in the counselor room, some days just dying inside. Because yes, I was tired of rehashing it, tired of saying something and not feeling anything, like it never happened.

but it is okay... our defenses were put in place, because we couldn't handle all the overwhelming feelings at once. and now, they are going to come back slowly... at first I felt nothing, and then one day at a time, I started to feel something and once I worked through that feeling, another would come up... it is a tiring process, but Rome wasn't built in a day... and healing to trauma doesn't heal in a day either...

Know you have my full support. If you ever need to pm me with anything, please do. It looks like we have a lot in common. Know God can use this one day. You will be able to look back and it won't hurt as much. I was sexually abused by my father for three years (four to six years old). It saddens me to think about it sometimes, but then I see where God has brought me now, and what I feel when I think back on it, is forgiveness and I pray for my dad...

I don't say everyday will be like this, but it gets easier... don't give up... please know you are not in this alone, and you are not alone in this problem. there are many who have been the same way you are now. God has got you in His arms, and He is not going to let go.

 

[MemoriesXx]

okay. i dont know whether that was better or worse. i had a minor freak out in the counsellors office. i dont even know why, we weren't really talking about anything heavy, but i felt like crying, i felt like walking out. i really didn't know what to do. she was trying to ground me, but the way she was trying to get me to sit, it just made me feel more vunrable. i sat on the floor in the end, it helped. she was glad that i asked to move there because it helped. i was so close to opening up about it, when she changed the converstation.
she explained that they don't make clients talk about what happened, they try to let them lead the converstation there. or maybe just touch on it and see the reaction. they dont want to talk you somewhere you're not ready for. which i like. because i wouldn't have been ready before now, but i think i might be for the next appointment. i feel like i can trust her now, after actully feeling something real there.

thank you so much lily.
i am holding onto the knowlage that God will use this to help others one day because without that, i wouldn't be able to be fighting.

 

[Mayflower1]

you will one day, Memories. with a tenacious spirit you have shown. It shows great courage to go through this process. yes, there were times I wanted to get up and run and say no more, go right back to my prison cell of pain... but when you get to the other side and you look back into the hole, all the scratching and clawing to the top was worth it... because at the bottom there is death, but at the top there is light... now my life drips light and peace... because I realize, it doesn't matter the awful things that happened to me... my value hasn't changed at all. I am still a child of the most High God and a valued human being, and NOTHING can change that. praying for you fervently sister, because I know that you will make it through. God bless you.

 

[MemoriesXx]

does anyone know why a counsellor might want a client to go to the doctor/a GP?
she asked me to.. and im kinda not wanting to call the number for the youth centre she gave me the number for.
she said to say that she had sent me from the centre against sexual assult and to talk about whats going on at home. but... im kinda like, thats a doctor.. not a psychologist, your suppose 2 help with that stuff. lol

 

[RuthD]

I kinda have a counsellor, but it just feels like I sit there and go round in circles going anywhere. She says i don't have to talk about what happened, i don't know whether its good or bad.. isn't the point of it to work through the issues? not just avoid them? I tend to look down and have to fiddle with things while im talking, even talking about my friends suicide last week, I just felt so emotionless talking about it.. but now, thinking about it. its kills that shes not here. so, i look down, hoping she can't see the fact that im so emotionless. i feel like she'll think im weird or making it up or something.
I don't know whether to keep going with the counselling. I feel like its going nowhere. but i dont know where else to turn for help. if a specialist can't help me, who can?

Thanks for letting me know im not crazy though.
spazlegs- yes thats how i feel.
lily00- sometimes my flashbacks are like that too. they're the ones that are easier to deal with.. because it doesn't feel like his doing those things to me.

Counselors usually like you to talk about how you feel, like if you are numb, scared, angry and all the other human emotions that are normal. I'm sorry about your frineds suicide, that is awful. The usual first stages of grief are denial and feeling shock or numbness. It's so hard to go to another counselor and get another evaluation, I've been there many times. If you could take a risk and just tell her your emotions and feelings that would be a big step and maybe you would get better reppor with her. Just my 2 cents. Wishing you all the best. Praying for you. Jesus loves you always, we all need to seek to get closer to him by getting to know him better. Jesus and counseling work together. I would just try to totally show my counselor what I feel and see how she responds. It may be good. God bless you.

 

[spazlegs]

Okay the GP is for you to get checked out for any diseases you may have gotten, for any other underlying things that might be affecting you with anxiety or depression of suchlike. An adrenal tumor could cause flooding of adrenaline for example. Your GP can send you to what many call a p-doc, a psychiatrist. The pdoc prescribes their magic potions and they will help you hold it together as you go through the hard work of therapy.

Also, I've read a few things that indicate to me that abuse tends to seriously affect the amygdala. The amygdala is the controller of emotions in the brain. Flight, fight, terror, and other things. Abused people tend to have hyperreactive emotions. Google abuse amygdala as your keywords and I'm sure you will be amazed at the amount of information you will see. I first saw something about it a few years ago, I think in Scientific American.

The therapist is also doing their due diligence. It makes me think the therapist is on the ball.

Yes, you have gone through some real junk, but when you've come through the other side, you will have a wonderful story of God's grace and be able to help others.

\ edited to add, I'm sorry about your friend, I just saw it when lily mentioned. I'm a bit rattled about that. It is not the answer. You will get through this, keep on doing the work, praying and coming on here to talk, okay?

 

[MemoriesXx]

yeah, I spoke to a friend of mine who knows that im going to counselling but not what for and is doing psych at uni, why she thought i would have to go to the GP and she said the same thing. about maybe getting pills or something.
its a week untill my appointment, but i've pretty much decided if they recomend pills, im not going to take them. that's my choice right? i dont have to take them. theres gotta be other ways. i take pills when im sick.. but i dont want to take pills for something wrong in my brain. its my brain, its me, its who i am.
I'm so scared of being told I'm crazy.. but at the same time.. at least it means theres a reason to feeling crazy for half my life.

 

[spazlegs]

Okay now. If you had diabetes where you pancreas wasn't producing enough insulin, would you not take the medicine? Or if your pancreas needed some help in producing enough, wouldn't you take it?

Abuse does change the brain chemistry. If you need something to help your brain function right, shouldn't you take it?

I read once that meth addicts and coke addicts sometimes have to take dopamine because they basically gave themselves parkinsons. At least that is how I remember it. Shouldn't they take it?

Please be compliant with the experts.

 

[MemoriesXx]

yeah.. but its not the same thing.. my brain isn't sick.. i just works differently. lol. i dont know. i just really dont like the idea of pills.
has anyone do it without them?

 

[Mayflower1]

doctors are to help you, not hurt you. I would at least go in and see what the doctor says.

You are in my prayers now and always. Shara

 

[MemoriesXx]

yeah, ill go to the doctor.. see what they say first. if i can make up an excuse for the day that satisfys mum. i think im gonna see if my friend can come & go shopping with me for the day, because i dont want to spend 5 hours between the counsellor & the doctor doing nothing either. and then its less of a lie about where i am.

what about side effects too? like i know lithium is used for depression, it is a poision and has made people blind! stuff like that. its crazy.

i'm really annoyed at my counsellor right now for not properly explaining why she wanted me to go to the doctor.

 

[spazlegs]

Okay lithium carbonate is a naturally occurring compound. It like salt, sodium chloride is a poison in huge quantities. But can be useful in proper quantities. It is the first, I think, successful treatment for manic-depression known known as bipolar.

Did you google abuse and amygdala?

A hyperreactive amygdala sends you into fight of flight too easily.

Depression may be a brain chemistry thing. It is for me. Without it I am in a deep well and can just barely see the sunshine. With the right med for me, life is what it should be, full of some ups and downs, but mostly good. If it is for you, and your doc says keep taking it, then you should. Some don't have to have it for all their lives, some do.