Emotionally abusive husband

[krodtiltheend]

I am abused every day by my husband. Not physical, never physical, but always emotional. Some days it's nothing, maybe a little thing here or there (something he calls a "joke"), but really nothing to ruin the day. Other days are much worse and all I hear are the bad things about myself, my family, etc.

I feel like I need perspective as I don't know what to do anymore. My husband and I have been married for almost 7 years, together for almost 9. He is a war veteran (served in Iraq twice) and between that and the general military mentality (he's out now but still has that in him) and some things from his childhood he's definitely got some issues. There are also issues from our past. I am a recovering drug addict and have done some things both while we were engaged and the first part of our marriage that I'll regret for the rest of my life. But I have been clean for about 5 years and feel I have done everything I can to move past all of that and rebuild us.

When he was about to get out of the Navy I was advised by a counselor we were seeing and a psychologist I was seeing that I should leave him. They told me to do it before he got out while I had support from the military. I didn't do that then. It seems silly now but I was sad about possibly having to give up the cats. I also knew that I believed marriage was for life. I was (and am) a Christian, though I wasn't really practicing at the time. I still had that core belief.

It's now been almost 5 years since he got out. We attend church regularly, I try to pray as often as I can (though still not as much as I should) and read my bible regularly. He responded to an alter call about 6 months ago at church and prayed the prayer in front of the whole church. It was amazing. There is a couple at our church that we meet with pretty much weekly. They're like mentors. First we did Dynamic Marriage with them. Now we're reading through a book, Positive Discipline, with them. We still have the 2 cats, we also have 2 dogs now, own a house together, and have 2 kids. Our son is 2.5 years old and our daughter is 5 months old.

He's still emotionally abusive. Sometimes I think he's getting better, then he'll have a bad night again. Maybe I'm just getting more used to it. I have a mom's group online with kids my son's age. We're all very close and they've told me many times in different ways they think I should leave. I asked our pastors wife about it. She told me it sounds like he just doesn't know what to do as a parent. So I talked to that couple from our church which is why we're now reading the parenting book. It's been good as it's shown him some things that aren't right in what he does, he claims that he's changing, maybe he is, but it's still bad at times.

Financially speaking I would be so screwed if I left. I have an insane amount of student loan debt that we can't even really afford together, and he makes majority of the income in our house. I've been working hard at increasing my income, but I'll be happy to just get to where I'm covering the minimum payments alone.

Ugh, I feel like I'm not making much sense here. I just found this board looking for Christian support. I don't know what the answer is, just feel like I need to get this out there.

 

[busymomma]

((HUGS)) sorry you are dealing with this. Only you can decide if leaving is what you want to do...but if you do... (and again only you can decide that) from experience it can be done. I had 5 kids no job n no money. They have apartments and daycare that will go by your income,they also have public assistance....I had to swallow ALL my pride but it helped us until we got back on our feet. Please take care of you so you can be the best mamma for your babies. My oldest 3 grew up listening to their dad belittle me,and watched it slowly erode my self confidence. Now they HATE their father and my daughters are angry with me that I stayed as long as I did. We had periods of great times....he'd say he was sorry and was going to do better...and it would last for a little bit but each time it got a little worse,the remarks got a little more nasty....and one day I woke up and without even realizing it...I believed those things he was saying about me. I never want to see anyone else go through this! I posted on here just a few days ago I was torn and considering taking him back because my family preaches so much on once married it's a life long commitment. But I know that it's not a life I can live. When you are thinking about what to do make sure you take everything into consideration. I don't want anyone to walk in my shoes. You'll be in my prayers. <3

 

[Amber Bird]

Here's my take as someone who was there, not husband wise but in an abusive relationship none the less, and this is what I gleaned from it. See if any of this resonates with you as I relate in terms of "he", recalling my former man and in terms of "you", as I recall the conversation I had with myself in deciding what to do for my own sake.

(HUGS) God be with you in your struggle. It is my hope that you find peace. And if my words in any way guide you to that place it is a my blessing then to have endured what sharing may save another from.

He beats you down with words because a punch would show he's been there. He'd rather get you down, make you weak, break your spirit, than break your face, bust your skin, make you bleed with the rage behind his fists because he's a brutal offender at the mouth,while terrified of having to answer for what the physical brutality would call for.

If he can make you feel less than your present strength proves you to be, he in his present state of insecure coward will feel more the man that even he himself knows he is not. He needs to make you need him, fear him, feel less than worthy of him because he deep inside feels like nothing is there to offer anyone. So if he makes you feel empty his hollowness is full of the power that resonates as what made that possible in you.

He owns you now. You fear him and he then feels superior and in control.

His abuse is not your responsibility.
You did not make him into this.
This is what he was before you met him. And it shall be what he is long after you've gone. If not you it will be some other woman who's next to suffer him.

There is no cure.
You can't fix it.

You can only survive until you realize you deserve better than to feel like this.
When you start to go numb. When you start to forget who you were before all this pain and insecurity began to take root in you, it's time to reassess. When you start to die to who you are, which is the only one you have to live with for the rest of your life, you will realize you have to make a choice.

Do you love you more than how this situation makes you feel as you slowly come to realize you're loosing all feeling?

Or do you think you love him more and thus are willing to die as that woman you were so as to willingly be beaten with words, until you form into the woman he can stand? Knowing it will never ever stop! As long as you're there to hear.

If you stay now in the midst of this cascade of evil words directed at you, that break through you and draw from you sorrow, tears and pain, and ever find yourself saying to him at all; 'I love you...'
Realize what that is truly saying about yourself, first.

I love you...who violates my sense of self with words meant to destroy who I am.
I love you who...and then insert those words he uses when he verbally assaults you one more time. Over, and over, and over.

How's it feel?
If you still feel something it's not too late.

Look in the mirror. Do you love her?

Hear his words surrounding you as you gaze at that reflection and then ask, do those words prove he loves her?

Sometimes love means loving yourself enough to free you from that what's slowly killing you inside.

It's scary to leave what strangely enough becomes comfortable after awhile. But that's where he's been all those years. Comfortable in being that kind of guy.
His intent is to mold you with hate filled words so that he now has company there. Someone afraid to leave because they don't hear it in themselves to know they deserve better. Instead, they become what his words call them to be.

When I walked out with my bags in the car and one over my shoulder, I did it when he was gone. I didn't want to hear the pleading. The, "baby I can change if only you'll give me another chance." When I knew if he was capable of that he wouldn't have been that in the first place. He would have recoiled at hearing his own words fall from his lips toward the woman whom he'd said he loved prior to forming those dark thoughts he chose to give voice to.

And when I closed that door, having left the keys on the table for him to find first thing, I said out loud. "I LOVE YOU!"

And I smiled so wide and so deeply within myself that tears streamed down my face. Because I knew I had heard me and that was exactly who I was talking to when I walked away and never looked back.

You are worth more than feeling to be made less than.

 

[RuthD]

I'm so glad that you and your husband are doing some things to improve things. Have you thought of marriage counseling for his abusiveness? Personally I hate to see marriages end but if there is no hope at all I support it. I had a husband who physically and emotionally abused me and cheated on me. I left him because he left the state for a vacation when I had sprained my back. Left me all alone when I could hardly even walk. So I left him when I was feeling better. My mom helped me with moving expenses. I am praying for you and your family. God bless you.