Emotional Potty Oopses

[Jenna]

I'm a little uncertain what to say to Anna lately. I'm trying to be gentle, but not confuse her by making it seem like it is alright when she repeatedly messes in her underpants. I don't have a problem with changing her, if she's going to have accidents. She just knows that she's not supposed to go in her undies, and I'm trying to find a way to comfort her without confusing her. She's been under so much stress with Grandma dying this week, and she's been having lots of accidents.

You know, while I'm asking for advice, let me throw something else out there also. Being that Anna is so upset, some pretty sad things have been happening. Anna was with my dad last night, and when he tried to stroke her hair, she pushed him away. He tried again, and she pushed him away again and said , "No, only mommy can do that". Now, she was never like that before, only after Grandma passed. She is getting particular about some things like that. I tried to tell my dad that she is just insecure since Grandma isn't here anymore. I know that she is really upset, and I'm hoping that he understands that. I'm not sure what I can do to help Anna feel better though. When we last talked about Grandma, she said that Grandma wouldn't come back from heaven to see us because she didn't like us anymore. I tried my best to comfort her and explain that Grandma always loves her and that she will see her in heaven some day. Other than that, I don't know how to help her feel secure. She's holding me tighter, hugging on me more, calling out when I walk in the door, and snuggling more. I think that it also has been affecting her that I've been having her sleep in bed with me while Michael stays downstairs to watch over papa (basically suicide watch). I enjoy the attention from her, but I feel that maybe there is something more that I need to talk to her about, and I don't know where to begin. I can't tell her that I will always be here, because that isn't true. God could call me home tomorrow for all I know. I'm just uncertain of how to handle the grieving process of a young child. I know that Michael and I have been grieving hard, but we are able to understand the reality of the situation more. I just feel so ill equipped to help her.

 

[selune]

Just keep giving her your love. Maybe try pull ups for a bit? Until the immediate chaos subsides? As for trying to help her understand better, maybe create a memory thing for Anna, a book or blanket or something special. I'm praying for your family. I hope you find some comfort in your time of sadness.

 

[HeatherJay]

I wish I knew what to tell you to help Anna deal with this loss...sounds like you're doing the right things. Keep reassuring her and holding her close when she needs it.

As for her potty training accidents...are you sure she's ready for it? If she's not, the added pressure about wearing big girl panties could be slowing her down even more. I only mention that because she seems to have been (according to your posts) pretty consistent accidents for a while now. I have a 3 1/2 year old who's still getting the hang of it (she pees in the potty, but she won't poop...she's scared). We don't make a big deal about it. For us, potty training isn't as big a deal as a lot of parents make it out to be. Kids know when they're ready, and feeling like they're failing at potty training can really cause some undue stress for them.

JMO, and I'm very sorry for your loss.

 

[alaskamolly]

Here's an idea I got from a friend (who lost a child--and this is what they did to help the younger siblings handle it). They sent the child a balloon (helium, so it floats off "to heaven") each year on the anniversary of the death--though for your Anna, sending one off soon (and maybe one every week for a while) might be a better idea.

It was a very special gift for the siblings and they really were helped by it--making the "lost one" still a part of life, you know? I don't know if that (or something like that--drawing pictures for grandma and attaching them onto the balloon?) that might help Anna...

The other thing I was going to suggest was just to echo the advice of an above poster--I'd buy a week's supply of pull-ups. I'm sure she's perfectly able to be potty-trained, but with all the stress...that way it doesn't stress her out and it doesn't stress you out, at least through the next week till things start settling down a bit.




I'll be praying for you!!!!!!!!!
Love,
Molly

 

[Jenna]

Yes, Anna is able to use the toilet when she wants to. We're having some problems because it doesn't bother her to be messy. She's not one of those kids that are bothered by something yucky on their bum. So, if she decides that it's too much effort to stop playing to tell me that she has to go potty, then she doesn't. If I can catch her soon enough, and often enough, we can have some real good days. But, it's rare that she wants to really stop what she is doing to use the toilet. So, we have pull-ups already, since it's never fun trying to clean messy poo out of panties. She was doing very well at the beginning of her toilet training because she thought that it was so fun and exciting. She didn't have any accidents and went poo on the toilet also. But, now even treats aren't enough to motivate her. *shrugs* I don't know. I guess she'll figure it out one day. Hopefully it won't be by her friends humiliating her. I think that that is my strongest motivator, just wanting to shelter her from the mean things that other kids can say.

I really like the balloon idea. Maybe we can try that with her, and see if that helps her to feel like she can give to Grandma and feel happy about thinking about her. I'm still trying to figure out how I try and explain why Grandma can't come back from heaven without making God sound like the "bad guy" for "not letting her". I don't want her to be angry with God, but I also don't want her to feel as though Grandma is purposefully staying away from us, because Anna takes that to mean that you don't like her anymore.

 

[HeatherJay]

Yes, Anna is able to use the toilet when she wants to. We're having some problems because it doesn't bother her to be messy. She's not one of those kids that are bothered by something yucky on their bum. So, if she decides that it's too much effort to stop playing to tell me that she has to go potty, then she doesn't. If I can catch her soon enough, and often enough, we can have some real good days. But, it's rare that she wants to really stop what she is doing to use the toilet. So, we have pull-ups already, since it's never fun trying to clean messy poo out of panties. She was doing very well at the beginning of her toilet training because she thought that it was so fun and exciting. She didn't have any accidents and went poo on the toilet also. But, now even treats aren't enough to motivate her. *shrugs* I don't know. I guess she'll figure it out one day. Hopefully it won't be by her friends humiliating her. I think that that is my strongest motivator, just wanting to shelter her from the mean things that other kids can say.

I really like the balloon idea. Maybe we can try that with her, and see if that helps her to feel like she can give to Grandma and feel happy about thinking about her. I'm still trying to figure out how I try and explain why Grandma can't come back from heaven without making God sound like the "bad guy" for "not letting her". I don't want her to be angry with God, but I also don't want her to feel as though Grandma is purposefully staying away from us, because Anna takes that to mean that you don't like her anymore.

Would she understand if you described heaven to her? Maybe tell her about the streets of gold, and the buildings built on foundations of jewels, and the crystal sea, and walking and talking with God all the time? Maybe understanding that Grandma is in a really wonderful place would ease her mind. Tell her that we have to wait until God says it's time for us...that we all have a special job (purpose) to do for God here on earth, and when our work is done then we go Home (heaven). It might also help to refer to Grandma's death and funeral as her 'home-going' (or going home). It's a term we use frequently in my church but I'd never really heard it until we began attending.

I have a 3 year old, too. I know it's hard to explain concepts like death to them...I guess all you can do is just continue to reassure her that Grandma is okay and she's very happy and she's never far away, even if Anna can't see her. Molly's idea about the balloons is a good one. I've also heard of people picking out a star and saying 'goodnight' to Grandma every night. Or if you have a picture of Grandma, maybe you could put it by Anna's bed so she can kiss her goodnight or something. I think just continuing to remember and talk about her is something that will help Anna realize that she'll always be in her heart.