Emotional abuse

[heidi140]

Although I've spent too much time on google looking up emotional abuse and psychological abuse, I find myself still questioning whether I have been abused in this way. Maybe part of the self-doubt that goes along with it, maybe not.

My parents are both a mess, from my perspective. My mom is extremely controlling and when I was living near them, would always seem to be mad. She puts on a good show for others and most people I know think she's great. They don't see her when she's screaming at the top of her lungs at me or my sibling, yelling how stupid we are. If I dropped a glass and it broke, there would be a tirade about how I could be so stupid...stupid, stupid, stupid. However, I think my sibling had it worse with her. I just distanced myself more and did better for it.

My dad on the other hand is more overt aggression. He can explode at any time, for little or no reason. There's no alcohol involved, which makes it tricky. He has broken and thrown things out of anger, punched holes in doors/walls, injured pets, etc. I always feared him growing up. Usually I would just hide somewhere and hope he didn't come after me. Even when he was in a good mood, he'd think little of me and tell me I was worthless or good for nothing for not doing something he thought I should have.

As I got older, my mom even worried about murder-suicide and hid weapons in my room at times to try to prevent it. But there was never any physical abuse that happened, which is why I doubt so much. It would be easier for me if I had bruises. I actually used to wish at times that he would hit me so that I would have a mark and could know that it was wrong.

I don't live around them anymore, and the distance has been a blessing. The hardest part is the mind games. Now that I don't live there, they put on the show for me too....which is really confusing and gives me a guilt trip. They act as if we're a happy family and everything is perfect. The medication my sibling is on and the hours on counseling are just her interal issues that have nothing to do with family (according to my mom). When I've tried bringing things up with my mom, she just dismisses it and makes me think I'm making more of it than it really is. So am I? Was there emotional abuse, or just a normal, slightly dysfunctional family? Please be honest...if I'm making too much of it, let me know.

 

[EbonNelumbo]

Sounds like it, but I think the best person to know would be yourself or a trained professional ((heidi140))

It sounds like your parents had some pretty serious issues themselves, and I am very sorry you had to grow up with that. If you ever want to chat, send me a PM or add my messenger info from my profile.

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

Sorry, not doing well enough myself to read it thoroughly, but scanning as best I can, I'd say you're DEFINITELY a victim of abuse. Hugs.

 

[selfdev]

Whether you were abused or not, the important is your recovery from the brutal past. To escape from the sadness you had endured.

I know how difficult it is to be imprisoned and haunted by the past. It's just difficult to move on.

What I do though, is to keep looking forward. While some counselling focused on the problems in the past, I focus on my bright future. The loving person I'll meet, the friends that I have and the career that I want to achieve.

I'm so sorry that you had to go through this experience. I will pray for you tonight.

Again, I don't think it's important to know whether you've been abused or not. What's more important is that you've recognized that you've been mentally bruised by your parents. What you need to do now is to focus on your recovery - focus on your future.

God bless!

 

[VictoryNGrace]

First of all, I wanted to send Hugs.. Second of all I know how hard it is to walk away from abuse in our past physical or emotional.. I believe I've had both and thats what makes it so hard to walk away from and realize that I'm in a some what stable environment and I have to keep thinking and praying to the Lord for strength and help during those times.. I feel you on your mom's side being controlling, mine was now that older I see it.. I adored my dad and miss him greatly I didnt and still dont see him as a controlling person but then again they are in heaven or where ever the afater life is, and that they are at peace..

My prayers go out for you as well.. I pray you find someone to talk to and seek their advice on what to do.. Best of luck and God bless..

VNG

 

[heidi140]

Thank you so much for the advice and warm thoughts...it's all very helpful.

Fortunately I'm in a very positive place in my life right now and am very happy overall. It definitely helps a lot to have physical space between myself and my family. But I find that no matter how much I try to deal with these issues, they will surely stay with me forever.

My strength definitely comes from God and he has been so good to me. And most of the time I can move forward now....but for some reason there are just these times when I seem to get stuck on some of the feelings and thoughts from negative family stuff. That or I start focusing too much on someone who I look up to and find myself wishing that I could finally have that family relationship which I've been missing. So thank you for helping with this time of doubt.

 

[AxionEsti]

I have been through much the same things as you, heidi140, and it seems to me you have been through some severe psychological abuse. You seem very strong, and have come out of it quite well. Distance was a good thing, and I wish that could have been in my case at an earlier age, like 20 or so. My mother is still alive, and she is the one who moved away. It has been a true blessing. Yet, I do not hate her for the things she did. She was, and still is, a very sick individual. I will pray for you and your parents, and your sibling.

 

[heidi140]

Thank you for your input and thoughts. It's comforting to hear from others who have gone through similar experiences. Although at times I slump into a feeling of hate towards one or both of my parents, most of the time I do feel sorry for them almost. I know that they are both very dysfunctional people and I think it is actually those feelings sometimes that cause me to question myself. Which then leads to guilt and an incredible feeling of conflict. It's that conflict that really drops me the lowest.

So sometimes it just helps to get a little validation about my feelings. In fact, it keeps me much healthier. The times when I'm in the worst state of mind are when I start doubting reality and what exactly has gone on in our family. I guess that is the power of the emotional/psychological stuff though. I mean, this is after two years of counseling that I did a while back. And I still have these questions that come up and I still look for validation.

I'm just thankful that I'm in such a good place now. Most days, I can't believe how or why I am so blessed. And I know that God is the only one who can really help me with those times of conflict.

 

[oneofthem]

Hey.

I can tell by the way you described your situation that you have been a victim of emotional abuse.

And certainly, all of what you said - being told you are stupid all the time, worthless, good for nothing, subject to others outbursts of anger - that is definitely emotional abuse.

Some things i see in victims/former victims of emotional abuse (including myself) are:

* Very very very confused about what reality is. What they think they know, and what they have been brainwashed with by their "in denial" abusers are on two seperate ends of the spectrum. And if the abuser constantly discredited/invalidated their victim's feelings/thoughts/opinions/even what they are so sure they know to be facts, sometimes by outright lies, it wears down the confidence of the victim to trust the reality they know.
* An almost impossibility to have closure, to be confident in themselves, because they can't bury that reality for what it was because it is so interwined with lies and denial of other parties and to a point, puts in question their present state of sanity if they could be so wrong about something.
* In need of validation of feelings and reality

One mistake i made for a long time was depending on my mother to acknowledge her abuse for me to have closure and a confidence in my sanity. That made it impossible to forgive her. I had to let that go, and to trust that God would validate and heal me, whether or not she ever came out of denial.

Heidi, do you have a good Christian network around you? Do you receive healing prayer? Are you in a good church? And with the forgiveness, it does take time. Feelings take time to settle. Forgiveness is a choice, and you can choose to not hold them to a debt of apology or acknowledgement. But with the feelings and the aftermath of abuse, they take time to work through.

I hope some of this has helped.

Cheers

oneofthem

 

[oneofthem]

Just to add some examples of abusive denial brainwashing you may or may not relate to...

Outright denial (also may be called lying...the abuser may or may not be consciously aware they are doing this, some people have a selective memory)
"That didn't happen. I never said that. As if i would say that! Do you really think i would say something like that? How could you think that? I'm your own mother!"

Trivialising/Minimising
"You're just saying it like that for attention. You're a drama queen. It just wasn't that bad, and no, it would not fall into the category of abuse. You don't even have a bruise, it clearly didn't hurt and it clearly wasn't that bad. I'm not mother of the year, but i'm not the world's worst mother"

Intellectualising
"I work with abuse victims all day, and they have gone through much worse things than you. This is not abuse, this is discipline. This is deserved. You talked back, you get a lesson. I used an open handed slap, not a fist (or) i used a fist on your behind, not your head. You don't even have a bruise". (that's probably not the best example, others are invited to fill in this gap) In terms of emotional abuse with no physical abuse, maybe "Why do you expect everyone to be perfect all the time? I don't hit you, i don't sexually abuse you, i provide for you, i give you food and school books, how then could i be an abusive parent?"

The "others have it worse" line (a form of minimising/justifying)
"There are others who have it heaps worse off than you. Stop being so self-centred. You're not the only one who's ever had a smack for being naughty. Get over it."

The "you deserved it" line
"You copped what you deserved. You talk back, you get a lesson. You brought it upon yourself. You have no right to complain."

There are many more, but i think you get my drift.

 

[oneofthem]

And sometimes, even in subtle ways, they can mess with your head, just on unrelated topics. Eg, you mention that this is possible now because of stem cell research. They say "no it's not. I know it's not." You say "I learned it at school in advanced science mum". She says "no, that's not right. I know for a fact (she's lying to your face) that is not the case. The man i work with used to be a scientist, and his buddies are blah blah blah savy. You must have misheard or misunderstood because that's not right."

Just a breaking down of confidence in your mind. You may begin to question everything you know, you may question your sanity, you may automatically believe someone who is lying to your face and telling you such a load of bs story, but your mind is programmed to believe their word over anything you thought you were certain of up until that point. This programing is very very dangerous and makes you easy prey to other forms of abuse in the future.

 

[heidi140]

Thank you "one of them" for your posts. They do really help so much. And I can tell that you have experienced some similar things in your past...or even present, considering that it's more of a lifetime experience.

I definitely can relate to some of those feelings. Sometimes it makes me sad to know that I lack confidence in so many areas. Even with others giving me so much support and hearing so many good things from others....I just can't ever see myself the way that they do. And I know I could be so much more if only I didn't doubt myself so much. That's something I'm working on with God's help though. And He has given me more strength than I thought I could have.

As for forgiveness, I also work on that. I don't expect an apology....in fact, I don't even expect my parents to recognize anything at all. And I've taken a close look at the difference between forgiveness and reconciliation, which has helped a lot. Right now I'm at the point that I'm nice to them and keep contact with them to the point that I feel I have to. But in reality, I wish I didn't have to be in contact at all. I feel incredibly guilty for it, but I would be much better off if I didn't have any contact with them. It won't ever happen, but that's kind of where my thoughts are at.

Thanks again for the advice and thoughts.

 

[s_gunter]

Oh man, do I know where you're coming from on this one, heidi. The mind games they play,

As to the no contact thing you mentioned: Yes, that may indeed be something you have to do. Yes, it is hard to stick with it through all the guilt. But, it is okay to take care of oneself and to keep oneself safe too.

You're right, you'll probably never get an apology or even admittance from them that they did it. You don't need validation from them. You know what happened to you, and that's all that counts.

Oh, and I believe you. Every word of it, I believe you.

 

[NostalgicGranny]

Yes you were abused. Your sibling is on meds right? Doesn't seem like a coincidence that both of you are struggling in your own way.

I want to point out that it is ok to remember. All of us who have been there remember sometimes. And it is ok in those moments to feel sad. There is nothing abnormal in that. It's just not ok to let it consume you. Because ultimately that just hurts you more.

Forgiveness on the other hand is hard. But it is a must for us Christians. So is Love.

I heard a famous Evangelist on TV say that in those moments or times when someone has done something so awful that you feel you can't forgive them, that you should give them Christian forgiveness & love and turn the rest of the forgiving and love up to God. He will do what is right. There is a difference in the two types of love and forgiveness. BUT he also said it is important not to allow yourself to be hurt again. It doesn't mean you have to put yourself in the line of fire again.

Take your bible and sit down at your desk, or table, or wherever you read it and tell God you are struggling with this and that you need to turn it over to him. Then ask him to lead you to a verse that will help you cope with this. It works when nothing else does.

 

[heidi140]

Thank you so much for the encouragement....and for believing me.

 

[churchlady]

I find myself still questioning whether I have been abused in this way. Maybe part of the self-doubt that goes along with it, maybe not.

When I've tried bringing things up with my mom, she just dismisses it and makes me think I'm making more of it than it really is. So am I? Was there emotional abuse, or just a normal, slightly dysfunctional family? Please be honest...if I'm making too much of it, let me know.

In some ways emotional abuse is more insidious than physical abuse because it usually has no witnesses, and the people who perpetrate it, deny it's existance. It's a very toxic and crazymaking atmosphere inwhich to live.

The mind games that the abusers play are for their protection against the truth that they just won't or can't face about themselves.

You grew up in an evil home. Those who should have loved and protected you were willing for you and your sibling to hurt, rather than face up to, and deal with their own wrongdoings.

You are wise to keep your visits and contact to a minimum. They have shown no change.

Forgiveness is possible and when it is complete, you will think back on these times and remember them, but the pain will be gone. Only when you witness someone else going through this, will you feel the familiar pain. That is God's way of redeeming what you have been through for His use, to help someone else.

God bless you sweetheart.

 

[Moriah_Conquering_Wind]

... emotional abuse is more insidious than physical abuse because it usually has no witnesses, and the people who perpetrate it, deny it's existance. It's a very toxic and crazymaking atmosphere in which to live.

The mind games that the abusers play are for their protection against the truth that they just won't or can't face about themselves.

...Those who should have loved and protected you were willing for you ... to hurt, rather than face up to, and deal with their own wrongdoings.

Quoted for maximum absolute irrefutable truth.

Family of origin bes not the only place where these toxic dynamics can take place. Wherever humans gather they can occur, and fresh incidents of them can reopen old wounds you thought long healed ....

 

[VictoryNGrace]

also what bothers me is people who go through emotional abuse its hard to really tell someone that there was emotional abuse.. say for my mom, she'd spout off that i'm not a "Christian" when i was doing my best to love the Lord and honor him in what i could do and could understand.. mnid you my mom clamed to be a "Christian" and she was a natural born phsic(SP?) so its like uhhh ok mom..

its hard even to this day to deal with what i do remember and try and peice alot of it to see am i being real or is it all a dream..?

vng

 

[happiebunnie1313]

Although I've spent too much time on google looking up emotional abuse and psychological abuse, I find myself still questioning whether I have been abused in this way. Maybe part of the self-doubt that goes along with it, maybe not.

My parents are both a mess, from my perspective. My mom is extremely controlling and when I was living near them, would always seem to be mad. She puts on a good show for others and most people I know think she's great. They don't see her when she's screaming at the top of her lungs at me or my sibling, yelling how stupid we are. If I dropped a glass and it broke, there would be a tirade about how I could be so stupid...stupid, stupid, stupid. However, I think my sibling had it worse with her. I just distanced myself more and did better for it.

My dad on the other hand is more overt aggression. He can explode at any time, for little or no reason. There's no alcohol involved, which makes it tricky. He has broken and thrown things out of anger, punched holes in doors/walls, injured pets, etc. I always feared him growing up. Usually I would just hide somewhere and hope he didn't come after me. Even when he was in a good mood, he'd think little of me and tell me I was worthless or good for nothing for not doing something he thought I should have.

As I got older, my mom even worried about murder-suicide and hid weapons in my room at times to try to prevent it. But there was never any physical abuse that happened, which is why I doubt so much. It would be easier for me if I had bruises. I actually used to wish at times that he would hit me so that I would have a mark and could know that it was wrong.

I don't live around them anymore, and the distance has been a blessing. The hardest part is the mind games. Now that I don't live there, they put on the show for me too....which is really confusing and gives me a guilt trip. They act as if we're a happy family and everything is perfect. The medication my sibling is on and the hours on counseling are just her interal issues that have nothing to do with family (according to my mom). When I've tried bringing things up with my mom, she just dismisses it and makes me think I'm making more of it than it really is. So am I? Was there emotional abuse, or just a normal, slightly dysfunctional family? Please be honest...if I'm making too much of it, let me know.

that sounds a lot like the relationship between my exstepmother and I. Though she hit me, as well, the scariest times were when she yelled and called me names...it was scariest because she never left evidence of her abuse, yet I was still terrified, and the fact that she left no evidence, only left me to believe that it was all in my head and I was the one doing the wrong.
I know that I was a kid and a young teenager when these things happened, and im sure she got frustrated with me sometimes, as I probably would too. However, her treatment was wrong, and it took me almost 8 years to realize that and have enough guts to confront her and leave.

You have suffered a lot of mental damage from this, and sometimes psychological abuse and emotional abuse can have more of a terrible and lasting effect on the people. I still have self esteem and self worth issues that I need to work out. It sounds like you need to see a counselor or talk to someone who you know and respect very well. DONT speak to someone who has a biast view and will just tell you what you want to hear to make you feel better. You need someone you're close enough to that they arent afraid to hurt your feelings sometime or tell you that your being stupid. I know the friends of mine that tell me im stupid once in a while, I tend to believe in every say life situations than any other people.

You need to pray as well that God will heal your heart. It might be hard for a while, but He will always be there to listen to you no matter what.


Feel free to PM me if you need anything.

 

[CVL]

Part of psychological abuse is trying to make you believe nothing happened or that it was your fault. Escapism at your expense.