Emotional abuse

[Shaun_Musings]

I was emotionally abused by my parents for many, many years. My mother, very critical, never taught me how to cook, clean, or do laundry or anything. You might say 'Well, geez, I wish that had been my life.' No, because the message she sent was 'You're incapable of doing this, you're not worthy enough for my time to teach you,' etc. She sent me many mixed messages through the years; I honestly concluded the only time she loved me was when I was doing what she wanted me to do. Now that I've moved out, I struggle with the emotional baggage of this.

My father was different. He was rarely involved in my life. We went on trips and stuff, but we never bonded as a real father-son would do. I never mowed the lawn or anything; my parents were terrified I would hurt myself. I'm not incapable of doing things (I'm doing okay on my own; it's just this emotional stuff is like an anchor).

What I'm trying to get at is, how do I let go of all this? I do forgive my parents for the negative messages they sent through the years; still the baggage remains. How do I let it go? Furthermore, how do I maintain my relationship with my parents without letting them get to me?

Shaun

 

[marli]

Emotional abuse often wears down our sense of self -- sense of identity and sense of self-worth. Who are you? Don't define yourself in terms of your interactions with other people; instead, dig deep and once you've cleared the debris away, find out for yourself whether your past has left you a broken person or a whole person. I believe it's the latter.

You need to see yourself as someone who is capable of faith, hope, love, and being loved, capable of overcoming any obstacle if you set your mind to it, and capable of having the brightest of futures despite blemishes from your past. Don't make a bleak outlook a self-fulfilling prophecy.

 

[Shaun_Musings]

Marli,

Thank you for your kind words. If you look at my post in general struggles, I'm confronting the truth: I have caused much of my own struggles. God is convicting me for living with whom was my fiance, but I am now having doubts because I'm realizing that none of the things God wants me to do are happening (tithing, church, etc.).

Shaun

 

[luv4godremains]

have you tried to find yourself in God, because that is where you will find the truth, not in posessions or in people, or how people treat you, your true identity is only in God.

also, even though God is convicting you, he loves you no matter what, he has the perfect love for you, is the perfect Father, and none of his love is conditional! he cries for you!

 

[Yasha]

Hi. Welcome to SoA.

I had a question? Why were they terrified that you would hurt yourself? Were you a self-injurer? Or were they just over-protective of you for some reason? Just need clarification, thanks.

I'm real sorry about your Mother's effect on you, too. I think parents are just unconscious of the power they have as parents to make lasting marks on us.Thanks be to God that the Father in Heaven values, guides and confirms us like He does.....we sure do need Him that way.

 

[reeann]

I felt that from my mother. I would work real hard to please her, and wait for her to come in the room. SHe was suppose to pick me up in her arms, hug me and tell me how wonderful her little girl is and what a great job she did. But what she would do is find something that was not perfect and fix it and walk out the room, never knowing she had left my heart and self esteem in shambles on the floor. I went to work with my mother when I was in my thirties (same building, different dept). We would meet for lunch everyday. BUt she was always trying to like fix my hair, or straighten my shirt out, or fix me in some way. People would meet me and say, oh your just like your mother, yadda yadda yadda.. I hated it!!! Then I was saved. I learned to forgive my mother. One day I was meeting her for lunch. I met her halfway and she reaches out and straightens and tugs my shirt down in the back. I finally had the loving courage to say, mom, why are you always showing me the things that are wrong with me, why do you always try to fix me, why can't you just love me for being me. She started crying, and apologizing right away. She said, I could not be prouder of the woman you are. I just want to be your mom, and to take care of you, I thought you liked me to mother you. I am so sorry that I made you feel that way. Do you know how many blessings I missed, and my mother, for not saying something to her??? Sometimes we are always those little children, even when we are adults. My mother is far from perfect, and she still fixes my shirt, but I know she loves me now, and I look at the action as a loving gesture now

 

[SH89]

I feel the same way...I clean the house, do my laundry, get all "A's" at my school, etc etc... Yet, my mom comes home drunk and keeps on whining about how our Dad/ Husband left us 2-3 years ago. WHAT A WONDERFUL WORLD!

 

[Johnnz]

Emotional abuse is hard to work through. There is not a 'one thing to do' recipe. It is far too complex. Healing has two aspects. One is working through the effects it had on you. Here a good counsellor can be helpful. There are books around too.

The other is your need to learn positive, healthy principles from good people. You can end up with a very limited range of emotions and behaviours from an abusive environment. There can be quite a lot to learn.

John
NZ