My husband of 25 years had an emotional affair with a young college student. He made multiple phone, text and e-mail contacts everyday and arranged things so they could work together. Hers was the first voice he heard every morning and the last one every night. Conversations were not personal, basically about work but he seemed to thrive on her "attention." I knew about the relationship early on. It made me uncomfortable and I asked him to stop. He hid it and accelerated it. It came to light when another crisis occurred in our family. Since then he has done what I have asked but initiated nothing. We have seperated for a weekend here and then but have tried to remain together. We are now in an emotional stand off. I need him to take some action, initiate something that shows he wants me and our marriage. I feel like I have been a puppet master--he does what I say but initiates nothing. He says the past is the past, he is not going to deal with it anymore. Is the marriage just done? I know I can not tell him what to do anymore and know I can not stay in a marraige where he can't initiate something to try and work through our issues. I feel hopeless. I cry and pray and function through day to day life but know I need to make a decision. When do you know it is time to move on? My faith has always told me marriage is till death do you part and yet I can not live an empty marriage. Where does my Christian faith lead me here?
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emotinal affair support needed
- Thread starter Valerie86
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iambren
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First, I acknowledge the pain you're going through. After reading your post I wondered what does "initiate something " mean? It IS like you are locked into a "puppetmaster" mode in which you are tugging for him to move in just the right way to satisfy you. Could it be that his escape from a puppetmaster is just what this affair is about?? I would think that some good counseling where each of you owns their OWN stuff is in order before throwing away 25 years.
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Yes--you are right about the "pupetmaster part" After some original counseling, I came to realize that there had alway been an acountability part to our relationship--meaning I wanted him to do certain things and I held him accountable to those--so this become a pattern we developed over time. Him feeling he needed to do things a certain way for me and not feeling appreciated when he did and then me feeling like he never really knew me and initiated nothing for us. I have tried (not always so successfully) the past two years to work on giving up that part of me as know it is not right and woud love to do counseling etc. to work on both our issues. What I can't get over though is me being the one to "hold him accoutable" to it--pretty much forcing him to go. And he would go if I pressed the issue. I am just at that point where I need him to press the issue. It's like every part of me wants him to just do some thing that would let me know he wants this marriage and is not just "doing what I ask." I know he has made many other choices over the years for other things-another woman included and need to know he can make those same choices for us.
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Is this the first time he has done this? This remark here makes me wonder: I know he has made many other choices over the years for other things-another woman included and need to know he can make those same choices for us.
From my experience, you will never be able to make him do what you want him to do. He has to WANT to make this marriage work. You can't be his mother which sounds like what he is expecting you to be. I was my ex husband's accountability partner (his choice for me to be so) for many years and he still couldn't stay faithful. I'm not saying that to upset you, I just know with the exception of my two kids, I wish I had not wasted 17 years on our marriage.
Is he a Christian? If so, I would think the convicting power of God should let him know he is not doing right in his marriage. And like Bren said, before I would give up on 25 years, I would go to counseling. Why don't you go for a while and then see if he is willing to go as well? Perhaps your pastor and his wife could be a starting point.
From my experience, you will never be able to make him do what you want him to do. He has to WANT to make this marriage work. You can't be his mother which sounds like what he is expecting you to be. I was my ex husband's accountability partner (his choice for me to be so) for many years and he still couldn't stay faithful. I'm not saying that to upset you, I just know with the exception of my two kids, I wish I had not wasted 17 years on our marriage.
Is he a Christian? If so, I would think the convicting power of God should let him know he is not doing right in his marriage. And like Bren said, before I would give up on 25 years, I would go to counseling. Why don't you go for a while and then see if he is willing to go as well? Perhaps your pastor and his wife could be a starting point.
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The only person you can control is yourself. You can control how you respond to things, how you feel about things and who you spend time with and how that time is spent. Become the puppet master of yourself and then you will be in control. Let your husband be himself and see where he decides to go with it.
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iambren
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It's really hard to know when you've gotten enough of that "pound of flesh" before there is no flesh left to freely love you. Interesting dynamic there. I see your need, your desire for him to wholly affirm you. Understandable. It's just that you may be in a sabotage of what you would like him to do. Your need for control stands in the way of intimacy. Tease apart these puppet strings with him to a happier marriage.
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agreed. your changing you first is what is needed here. If you need to see either an action from him or a reaction, then you have to be the first one to move.
In this case if you want to save your marriage and you know that, then make a move in that direction by seeking counseling.
The key here will be that when you go to counseling (as the perverbial 'guinny pig"), share with him what you have learned and what actions your counselor has advised for you to do. In this way you will hopefully perk his interest, and he might very well start watching you to see if there are any changes in your attitude or your behaviour.
But do this without mentioning a word to him of any changes expected on his part.
it sounds like he has cold feet right now regarding the counseling. But as your counseling goes on, he might want to find out more about what counseling would involve for him before putting his 'feet in the water', before freely telling his innermost thoughts to a perfect stranger, and putting himself out there for something that he isn't sure would work, or even how much of a contribution he would have to make to the whole process.
for women this counseling process is much easier to go thru than it is for a man.
Men usually have a problem in asking others for help, especially if they don't know the man personally. For them it's necessary to establish a relationship of trust and common interests first before they even consider letting their hair down.
And it takes them about 4 times as long to do that as it does for a woman.
the good news is that once they do ask for help and begin to see results, they usually go all out, full steam ahead, to achieve their goals.
In this case if you want to save your marriage and you know that, then make a move in that direction by seeking counseling.
The key here will be that when you go to counseling (as the perverbial 'guinny pig"), share with him what you have learned and what actions your counselor has advised for you to do. In this way you will hopefully perk his interest, and he might very well start watching you to see if there are any changes in your attitude or your behaviour.
But do this without mentioning a word to him of any changes expected on his part.
it sounds like he has cold feet right now regarding the counseling. But as your counseling goes on, he might want to find out more about what counseling would involve for him before putting his 'feet in the water', before freely telling his innermost thoughts to a perfect stranger, and putting himself out there for something that he isn't sure would work, or even how much of a contribution he would have to make to the whole process.
for women this counseling process is much easier to go thru than it is for a man.
Men usually have a problem in asking others for help, especially if they don't know the man personally. For them it's necessary to establish a relationship of trust and common interests first before they even consider letting their hair down.
And it takes them about 4 times as long to do that as it does for a woman.
the good news is that once they do ask for help and begin to see results, they usually go all out, full steam ahead, to achieve their goals.
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