Im sorry in advance for this post, it's going to be, by no means, elegant. Im panicking a little, and I just need to vent, and I fear this may be the only place im comfortable doing so. So... here we go.
As one may predict by my displayed age, I will be graduating from university real soon, first week of May in fact. This is good! Im excited, mostly. Partially. College has been fun, i made good friends, lost some others. But with this time in my life coming to an end i expected to have a lot of changed happening in my life. I mean, im graduating, things are going to change! But, my parents are also moving out of my childhood home, leaving that behind for a smaller home near the church at which my father works, the same chuch at which i will soon be working.
And so we arrive at the real problem: I have a job there, starting in September, i'll be working a sort of custom internship at the church, doing things to expose me to the inner workings of the church. After a year, two if i need it, the church will subsequently help send me to seminary to help me become a pastor, either at this church or at one that needs help. This is all awesome, im excited for all these opportunities, esepcially considering the time and financial risks the pastors are taking on me. But that's the thing: they're taking a risk on me. and im afriad, God im so afraid. Im afraid i don't know enough, im afraid im going to fail, and fail so spectacularly. Im afraid that this amazing chance will be the only one i get. Im afraid that i won't be able to cope with all the changes that are happening.
But what im most afraid of is the fact that im a fake. I mean, im a Christian, and i do want this job that's been basically handed to me on a silver platter, but i don't know things! I have a degree in english, not theology! I can think my way around most topics given clear definitions, but that's not really theology, and if i don't have those definitions then what? Im afraid that i will only be able to fake it for so long, and that one day ill break and everyone will see me for who i am: a fraud, someone with a quick enough mind to make it look like he knows what he's talking about when in reality he's just stalling to try and get out of the conversation, the kind of person who has to remind people that, no im not as smart as i seem. The kind of person who doesn't believe it when people tell him he's smart, even though by all objective standards i at least do OK (3.0GPA). Im afraid that im just going to wind up a dissapointment, a burden on society.
But that would all be ok, i know objectively, there's that little rationial voice in the back of my mind that says, "this is just a phase, you're going through a lot of changes in your life right now and you're not thinking rationally" but that voice always needed support from the outside, and i can't go to anyone for that right now! My parents- my dad works in the church and has vouched for me over and over, i can't talk to him about how i feel like im going to fail at every thing i do. My best friend since elementary school is way up in Gainesville (5 hours away) and he and i never really talked about this sort of thing before, i'd be weird. He's my only friend from home. At college i have a couple friends, two of which are agnostic, so i don't exactly feel comfortable going to them with my religious troubles. the other of which is way too talkative to spend an extended period of time listening to me have a nervous breakdown.
And there are so many other changes, my friends are losing their faith one at a time, and i feel somehow responsible to bring them back to the faith and i have no idea how to do that. Like i said, my parents are selling their house. I'll be getting a different job. Ill be living back home full time instead of at school. Im going to start trying to date again in May, and if history is any example that's going to go extremely poorly.
I just don't know how to cope with it all. I feel like im downing and i can barely fight back the panic and depression and fear, there is so much fear. and i know, i know the verse about love and fear, but i just can't feel it. I KNOW it's there, i know it, but the fear is... there's so much. and it compounds, and
i don't know.
help?
As one may predict by my displayed age, I will be graduating from university real soon, first week of May in fact. This is good! Im excited, mostly. Partially. College has been fun, i made good friends, lost some others. But with this time in my life coming to an end i expected to have a lot of changed happening in my life. I mean, im graduating, things are going to change! But, my parents are also moving out of my childhood home, leaving that behind for a smaller home near the church at which my father works, the same chuch at which i will soon be working.
And so we arrive at the real problem: I have a job there, starting in September, i'll be working a sort of custom internship at the church, doing things to expose me to the inner workings of the church. After a year, two if i need it, the church will subsequently help send me to seminary to help me become a pastor, either at this church or at one that needs help. This is all awesome, im excited for all these opportunities, esepcially considering the time and financial risks the pastors are taking on me. But that's the thing: they're taking a risk on me. and im afriad, God im so afraid. Im afraid i don't know enough, im afraid im going to fail, and fail so spectacularly. Im afraid that this amazing chance will be the only one i get. Im afraid that i won't be able to cope with all the changes that are happening.
But what im most afraid of is the fact that im a fake. I mean, im a Christian, and i do want this job that's been basically handed to me on a silver platter, but i don't know things! I have a degree in english, not theology! I can think my way around most topics given clear definitions, but that's not really theology, and if i don't have those definitions then what? Im afraid that i will only be able to fake it for so long, and that one day ill break and everyone will see me for who i am: a fraud, someone with a quick enough mind to make it look like he knows what he's talking about when in reality he's just stalling to try and get out of the conversation, the kind of person who has to remind people that, no im not as smart as i seem. The kind of person who doesn't believe it when people tell him he's smart, even though by all objective standards i at least do OK (3.0GPA). Im afraid that im just going to wind up a dissapointment, a burden on society.
But that would all be ok, i know objectively, there's that little rationial voice in the back of my mind that says, "this is just a phase, you're going through a lot of changes in your life right now and you're not thinking rationally" but that voice always needed support from the outside, and i can't go to anyone for that right now! My parents- my dad works in the church and has vouched for me over and over, i can't talk to him about how i feel like im going to fail at every thing i do. My best friend since elementary school is way up in Gainesville (5 hours away) and he and i never really talked about this sort of thing before, i'd be weird. He's my only friend from home. At college i have a couple friends, two of which are agnostic, so i don't exactly feel comfortable going to them with my religious troubles. the other of which is way too talkative to spend an extended period of time listening to me have a nervous breakdown.
And there are so many other changes, my friends are losing their faith one at a time, and i feel somehow responsible to bring them back to the faith and i have no idea how to do that. Like i said, my parents are selling their house. I'll be getting a different job. Ill be living back home full time instead of at school. Im going to start trying to date again in May, and if history is any example that's going to go extremely poorly.
I just don't know how to cope with it all. I feel like im downing and i can barely fight back the panic and depression and fear, there is so much fear. and i know, i know the verse about love and fear, but i just can't feel it. I KNOW it's there, i know it, but the fear is... there's so much. and it compounds, and
i don't know.
help?
