Let me preface this by saying that the writing I do is almost always scientific writing, and isn't remotely of the nature of what someone would have to write for law school. I did, however, do mock trial in college, and so I had to write opening statements fairly often. Not sure how much my suggestions are worth (remember, you know a lot more about this stuff than I do), but I'll offer them anyway.
I take it this is an opening statement for a criminal trial (i.e. not a witness statement or something of that nature). To my knowledge, opening statements tend not to be descriptions of the crime, but rather "tables of contents" about the case that you are about to present. You've included a lot of graphic detail, and I'm not saying that this isn't helpful. But it might be a good idea to cut back a bit on the description of the crime, and replace it with details about the case. Perhaps you could give a shorter description of the crime that's taken place, and give more information about the other witnesses that will testify, what corroborating testimony they will offer, and the forensic evidence that will be revealed by any expert witnesses. From this opening statement, all we know is that the rape victim will testify, and that she will assert the truth of the description of the events that you've provided. But if the jury doesn't afford the victim any credibility, they'll be left wondering why they should believe that her testimony is true. If you can explain why her testimony should be believed, by mentioning that it will be verified through other witnesses, then your shorter description of the crime will be more powerful. It's also important to write with a narrative style. Opening statements are supposed to be narrative, as opposed to closing statements, which are argumentative. In your opening statement, you don't need to refute possible arguments by the opposing counsel, since the statement is intended to introduce the judge and jury to the case. Just explain the case that you'll be presenting, so that the jury will know where you're going when you call witnesses.
Well, I hope that helps. Sorry if I sound overly negative. When I correct papers, I tend to only point out the flaws, since those are what need correcting. Anyway, I hope this helps. And if I'm way off the mark (again, I know jack squat about law apart from my mock trial experiences), feel free to dismiss this post as nonsense.
