Editing myself

[Letter Never Sent]

I was really sad the other day. The best friends I ever had was when I first became a Christian while in the Air Force. I was attending 2 small groups - one off base and one on. Shortly afterwards my time was up and I left thinking I would find good friends at a church back home - never did. Sad part is I have found all of them on facebook and got back in touch a year or two ago only to lose their friendship. They all have a good sense of humor and I would often joke with them, but it seems everyone is so serious now. I would even ask my wife often times before posting something. Don't know what happened.

When I became a Christian I had to change things about myself that were not right. I had to edit myself and watch my tongue. I didn't have too big a problem figuring out what was the right or wrong thing to say. Most of it was black and white. Gossip, complaining, and swearing were out. I could discern right from wrong... and actually doing it came with time.

Living in another state I thought I would join facebook and have someone to talk to. However facebook is 99.9% small talk and I'm having the hardest time editing myself. I can't write "doing laundry." I write stuff like "I have reason to believe that I am not the biological father of my oldest daughter -- I offered her bacon and she said no!" and "It's hot today, but at least it's humid." This seems to confuse and sometime offend my "friends" Some find it funny and will sometimes respond. I think others get annoyed. I can't tell though. I'll write something stupid, doesn't even make sense, and everyone finds it hysterical. Other times I write something that I think is very funny and no one responds, and I assume they don't find it all that funny. And when someone stops talking to me, or even un-friends me, I have to assume I've done something wrong.

I'm trying to find everyday stuff that others might find interesting and write less bizarre stuff. But at what point do I stop being myself and become a programmed robot so as to conform to everyone else? Right now I don't write very often, and I try to keep a balance between "normal" stuff and "fun" stuff.

Somewhere between "weird" and "boring" lies a balance, but it's definitely not black and white!

Right now I have 25 friends and they are people who have known me my whole life and accept me for who I am, but realizing that I've lost those friends has really been a wakeup call! Any suggestions?

 

[Sabertooth]

Use your native Aspie tongue with those who know it (or, at least, those who accept that about you). Speak NT (as best you can) to everyone else. I refer to this as NTSL [Neuro-Typical as a Second Language... ].

 

[Letter Never Sent]

I refer to this as NTSL [Neuro-Typical as a Second Language... ].

This really did have me laughing out loud! VERY funny! And true. There are some people I can joke with and some I shouldn't.

This thread is just another example of me writing everything out, standing back and taking a good look at the problem (maybe even from the point of view of the reader), and then it hits me - it all becomes clear! Usually it never makes it to this forum, this time it took me a day to realize.

When I'm abiding in Christ, as I always should be, what to say and how to say it becomes clear. The "wrong" stuff usually doesn't even come to mind.

I always liked when Jesus said "the Father who sent Me commanded Me what to say and how to say it." (John 12:49) And I think this applies to everyone who struggles socially - lean on Jesus for the words! He is The Word!

I want to always "be myself", but on the other hand that's not always the best thing to do. Especially in marriage. I'll chalk this one up to "spirit" vs "flesh"

Peace,
Brian

 

[Letter Never Sent]

Usually it never makes it to this forum, this time it took me a day to realize.

Maybe it's for the best I share my questions and answers on this forum as they might help others that have the same questions.

 

[Letter Never Sent]

I'll chalk this one up to "spirit" vs "flesh"

To be more specific - fearing man vs fearing God, since I'm usually just making a lame attempt to bond with people or gain some sort of short lived acceptance.

If anyone else is trying to fill the loneliness with people look into Edward T. Welch's book When People Are BIG and God Is Small.

 

[setfreebygod]

I too have a hard time understanding why many people I meet seem interested in getting to know me, but they never call. I have attempted to call them but nothing ever comes of it. I honestly don't know when I offend people and when I don't because many never say anything. I have a few close friends that accept me as I am. With them I can be me. I use to try to change myself to adapt to what other people wanted me to be. But this lead to oppression and I decided to let Jesus be my guide. He has helped me stop trying to please people and just be myself.

 

[MoeSzyslak]

I honestly can't relate to the original post. 25 Friends!! really?!

Besides my wife- no friends. I have no idea what it would feel like to lose a friend?

I was invited to a church party at someone's house about 4 years ago. That was the last outing for me.

 

[Letter Never Sent]

I too have a hard time understanding why many people I meet seem interested in getting to know me, but they never call. I have attempted to call them but nothing ever comes of it. I honestly don't know when I offend people and when I don't because many never say anything. I have a few close friends that accept me as I am. With them I can be me. I use to try to change myself to adapt to what other people wanted me to be. But this lead to oppression and I decided to let Jesus be my guide. He has helped me stop trying to please people and just be myself.

That's awesome! Looks like you found were you fit and are content there.

I remember when I moved near my brother and went to a new church and got involved in a singles group. I tried making new friends. One day my brother told me "you're looking to make new friends. They already have friends, they are not looking to make new ones." True. I'll never forget that.

No real point to that story. Just thought of it and decided to share.

 

[Letter Never Sent]

I honestly can't relate to the original post. 25 Friends!! really?!

Besides my wife- no friends. I have no idea what it would feel like to lose a friend?

I was invited to a church party at someone's house about 4 years ago. That was the last outing for me.

No, these aren't "25 friends" -- they are 25 "Facebook friends" Facebook friends are like Monopoly money.

For anyone who is not on fb it goes something like this:

First let me say that I wouldn't even be on fb if it weren't for the fact that I moved 1,500 miles away from home. I hate running into people I used to know. It's like "hi, we used to be friends at one point, but then we both decided we don't care to know each other anymore... so, here we are." And I knew someone would say "hey, we should get together." That and I'm no good at small talk.

FB friends are made up of family members, distant relatives, in-laws, elementary - high school classmates, church members, co-workers, military buddies, college chums, and even people from high school you never knew.

So as soon as you add someone from your old neighborhood all of that person's friends are aware of it. Some of them will add you and so on... There are some people who like having everyone from school on there friends list. They will never say 1 word to them, but they will add them. And if you move around a lot, like I do, there are lots of people from different churches and jobs - they will find you. They like to look at your pictures and see what you're up to, but that's about it.

At one point I had 99 friends and didn't even know some of them - my wife's nieces and nephews in the Philippines. She didn't even know some of the people who were requesting my friendship. So I started over with a new account. 25 friends. Granted some I barely know - a girl who lived up the hill from me, we have the same friends and she is nice and she's a Christian now. Some have an account but never write anything. So of the 25 there are maybe 5 that I really like, wife included. The others I just knew from school or church. Someone to talk to. And I feel really bad denying a friend request - so much so that I removed my last name so I wouldn't get any more requests from people I barely know.

There are also these invisible lines, just like at work or school, but they are harder to see on fb since everyone looks equal. In high school you couldn't just walk up to the most popular person and jump right in on the conversation - on fb you can! Most people have hundreds, some even thousands, of friends, but they typically only talk to their inner circle. Close friends and family. You don't know who they are, but it's understood.

For me that's my wife and kids here in the house. Outside of that I have 2 brothers that I talk to regularly on the phone, they don't go on fb. That's it. No one calls me, no one stops by. The fb "friends" are just casual acquaintances that probably wouldn't notice if I left. Some I like, some are just okay. But I'm not in anyone's "inner circle"

Joining fb, and learning about AS, has taught me a lot about myself. I now know my place now, and I'm fine with it. At first I didn't see the lines and crossed them all the time. I thought I was, or tried too hard to be, an insider.

What was confusing at first for me was the on the surface it's social paradise - the bullies lies down with the nerd. Everyone is friends. People I had tried keep in touch with, but never responded to my email, are so happy that I found them on facebook!?? Everything was so easy. You can be friends with just about anyone. But fb doesn't change anything. You pick up right were you left off. If you weren't close before, you're not close now. And it's all small talk. You can't expect too much from people. Just because I long to be close doesn't mean they do. I still just want to have fun, but I've toned it down a lot.

Overall it's a good experience. Especially for someone like me who doesn't get out of the house - stay-home dad. There are hobby groups you can join so you can talk about your favorite subjects. I even have a private group with just me and my wife where I can share videos, stories, or send a quick note before I forget.

I originally wanted to be a blessing to others, offer prayer, show how my life has changed being a Christian. No one noticed or cared. I should use the opportunity to get better at small talk and be a blessing to others.

As for losing friends. One family I actually pulled the plug on. One guy doesn't really talk to me anymore, but he also has hundreds of friends and we barely know each other. And another pulled the plug on me (either that or he turned off his account again, which he may have done - I don't know.)

 

[dayhiker]

It can be work to find new friends for sure. I like the brother's comment on some people already have friends. So clearly they don't want to add more, because they don't have time to keep up with more friends.

So the trick is to find some people that are in transition. They are losing their old friends and will need new ones. That is when one can make new friends. But even then only an occasional person will one connect with. When that happens, one has to put the effort in to keep the friendship going.

That's what I've found.

 

[Letter Never Sent]

It can be work to find new friends for sure. I like the brother's comment on some people already have friends. So clearly they don't want to add more, because they don't have time to keep up with more friends.

So the trick is to find some people that are in transition. They are losing their old friends and will need new ones. That is when one can make new friends. But even then only an occasional person will one connect with. When that happens, one has to put the effort in to keep the friendship going.

That's what I've found.

I'm definitely not interested in meeting anyone new. With every "friend" I've ever had everything was on their terms. I had to enter their world and do what they wanted -- not interested. Maybe I'm too old, or too cynical, or maybe I'm content with my family and brothers, but I feel like that's all I need.

 

[ARWENN]

"Friendship is a little more trust , a little less try, a little more laugh, a little less cry, a little more we and a little less i."

 

[Letter Never Sent]

"Friendship is a little more trust , a little less try, a little more laugh, a little less cry, a little more we and a little less i."

Very nice! Maybe if the people where I am from were like this I would have had
more friends. Everyone was very selfish. And to make matters worse I am sensitive, caring and thoughtful - which would be fine if I were an old lady, people would think I'm charming. But for an young man in the NYC area that's not cool... it's odd!

 

[Sabertooth]

... And to make matters worse I am sensitive, caring and thoughtful - which would be fine if I were an old lady, people would think I'm charming. But for an young man in the NYC area that's not cool... it's odd!

And Christianity/the Holy Spirit intends to make it "worse..."

GAL 5:22 "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control..."

 

[setfreebygod]

I too have a problem with being very sensitive and emotional. I personally don't like facebook. It is too exposed. I have discovered that I am a private person. I tend to share too much and when I do I regret having done so because the friendship is just not at that level. Therefore, I also have shared too much on FB. I am concerned that my business will get all on the internet. So I tend to not post. In fact, I will be canceling my account because I don't like the casualness of it. I have one very close friend, whom I share a lot of myself with. It is because she gets me. We share a lot in common and she has helped me in some pretty tough stuff. She was the one who introduced me to Jesus and she has taught me since to follow the Lord. I am OK with her friendship and I have my children to keep me focused on others besides myself. I find that in the quiet, I am learning to listen to Jesus more. It is in the silence that his voice can be heard. So, I don't think having a lack of friendships is a bad thing. I believe that the less "human wisdom" I have the better so I can learn to follow Jesus better.

 

[Sabertooth]

SetFreeByGod,

For Facebook and almost every other forum it is best to use a "handle" instead of your real name. Even declaring (on the 'net) that you have Aspergers under your real name could come back to haunt you at a job interview. The only place that I openly use my real name is on LinkedIn. Having a handle is a good TMI safety net.

 

[ARWENN]

"Friendship is a little more trust , a little less try, a little more laugh, a little less cry, a little more we and a little less i."

God,family,friends,...but a major importance in our lives is what we choose.Show selective in terms of your group of friends it's to your advantage.Attitude makes the difference in everything.Your perception about your person,is very important.No matter the number of friends that u do, count their quality.Also,does it matter what u invest in a friendship, and what u do expect from that friendship. Be bless.