Dredging up sexual past

[Hetta]

Ezoo, my thoughts are in accordance with yours - and as usual you put thing so much more clearly. It isn't that I hate people who have had many relationships, I am sure that many people I know have been promiscuous or may have cheated, and that's none of my business. I don't ask them. If they want to tell me, they may, and I will not think any differently of them. But when it comes to the person I marry - there are some things that I do need and on which I will not compromise.

 

[Spunkn]

It makes sense - but ya know...

On these boards, and in my own life, I've seen a lot of people who try and diminish how they really feel about things because they believe they "ought" to feel another way. I've known people that married folks they weren't attracted to - because they thought they "ought" to overlook those things. I've known people that married folks who rubbed them the wrong way for other issues - because they thought they "ought" to look beyond those things.

...and all that does is cause turmoil. When it comes down to it - while you supposedly "ought" to overlook the fact that a man or woman weighs 500 lbs - if you're not attracted to the morbidly obese - it ain't gonna work for you - and IMHO you're a fool if you make that decision.

I'm a firm believer in accepting who you are on those types of things - and going with it. For example - sticking with the obese - I would never marry one. Or say - women I find unattractive? Say she has a great big old hair-growing mole in the middle of her face? I'm not attracted to them. But who says that the only type of relationship I can have with a woman is one that needs to have marriage as a potential outcome?

I'm perfectly happy having fellowship and friendship with all sorts of people...but those that I wasn't attracted to were the ones that I dropped off at the end of the night with a hug and nothing more...and I see no "sin" or problem in that.

A wife - or spouse - should be someone that you're excited about on ALL levels in my mind.

Sexual history is no different. If you've been with 0 people and you can't emotionally get around the fact that your potential-mate has been with 5 guys - then don't date her. You don't *NEED* to get past it. Be her friend - and have the both of you find partners that you can emotionally accept on all levels. If you've been with 5 people and can't accept someone that's been with 10 - same thing. If you've been with 50, and can't deal with the fact she's been with 5, you're a hypocritical jacka**...lol (had to throw that in)

But - back on topic - I don't believe that personal feelings on things are issues you *ought* to figure out a way to work beyond. Marriage is (hopefully) a once in a lifetime shot/deal. Allow yourself to be who you are and only do it with someone that you can freely love and accept on all levels. Otherwise - you're likely setting yourself up to be another statistic.

I agree with this to an extent. And I can't imagine God wanting you to marry someone you are not attracted to. The attraction may not be there instantly at the beginning, but I definately think before you get married, there would be some attraction on ALL levels as you say.

I'm just saying...what if God brought someone to you, who was the right person for you, but they had quite a sexual past. You may not think you could get past it, but I believe with God's help you could. I'm not saying it would be easy. And I myself would have an extremely hard time with it. But I think with God's help I could change my heart. Usually I dont think people bring up their sexual past unless they are getting pretty serious about one another. And at that point, is it really going to become a deal breaker? If you are serious about this person, and they have dealt with their past, are you going to let that past break up your relationship?

Not saying it'd be wrong to break it off or a sin by any means. I'm just saying you should definately pray about it, and if God wants you to stay in this relationship then pray for him to change your heart about it.

 

[Hetta]

Ezoo, to my knowledge, is happily married.

I would hope that a person who was dating me (in this theoretical scenario) would have come clean about their sexual background long before we "got serious". In fact, I would not allow myself to have strong feelings for a person without a great deal of consideration. Part of that consideration includes their past.

I have taught my children to be wary of those who come with 'baggage'. They should really think carefully about the person that they hitch themselves to for life. We are not social workers in our marriages, after all. Marriage is difficult enough without managing previous marriages, or live in relationships, or children with multiple partners - this kind of thing. It is very hard to manage.

 

[DZoolander]

Yeah - it's possible.

Heck - the first girl that I was with (my first marriage - despite the disaster it turned out to be regardless of this issue) had been with a number of guys. I had been with one (her) and she'd been with her number (to be fair - it wasn't some astronomical number...but when you're sitting at "I've been with YOU" - and the other person's been with a good number more - everything seems astronomical).

To be honest - at the start - it bugged the heck out of me. I remember going to college and sitting in class...counting guys in the row in front of me...and going "Damn - that's how many guys she's been with." I remember it really eating away at me.

Eventually, however, I made a decision. Did I love her or not? Would I let this consume me or not? Eventually - I released the anxiety over it - and never thought about it again. So - yeah - I think it's doable. But I also think it's probably a function of how many we're talking about though. Hers could be counted on your hands. Say she had been with 100 guys (as an extreme example) - or say she'd been a prostitute or something - I'm pretty sure I couldn't have gotten over that.

...and in retrospect - I should've let it consume me and broken it off...lol

But once again, yeah, I suppose you could work it out within reason.

 

[DZoolander]

Yep - very happily married - to someone that posed me no such scenarios of trying to figure out "sheesh, how am I going to overcome that issue I 'should' overlook"

 

[Hetta]

I do understand what you are saying, Spunkn, and if you have a particular woman in mind who you are dating who has a 'past', then more power to you. All that I am saying is that it is each to their own, when they chose a marriage partner.

 

[Spunkn]

No I don't. I just thought it was an interesting discussion.

 

[RobertMerton]

Is that really true, though?

Like let's say your wife were to come to you and say "I banged some other guy - but it was just once"

Would you look at that as a mistake, or a choice?

Well that is a quote in reference to a christian girl having pre-marital relations. (and the circumstances in which is that we have just started dating)

If my future wife came up to me and said 'i banged some other guy - but it was just once' , i'd be very very shocked. I will look at it as both a mistake and a choice she made.

So that is your criteria, and all well and good, but it's a shame to close the door because a woman had two sexual partners. That said, i do not know what "my" number would be for a man, if I was single, but it would be very low. I have never had any interest in the 'stud' kind of man. My husband's "number" was very low, and that was good for me.

Well somewhat my criteria.
It's not so much as 'having slept with two or more sexual partners', it's more along the lines of claiming to be a christian, yet having pre-marital sexual relations more than once.

If she had more than 2 sexual partners before she knew Christ then that is fair enough. It's not good, but i can live with that.

Now I can apply that 'once is a mistake, twice is a choice' quote to my life,
as I am not a virgin. But It was only with one girl.
So far it has not been a choice yet, primarily because i have been very careful about dating since high school.
I will have to be very careful in my next relationship.

 

[CounselorForChrist]

I wanted to add also that we all have pasts, even once your saved you make mistakes so that to will become part of your past. I am reminded of the marriages I see where one person cheats and the other is unwilling to forgive and/or quick to divorce. We will skip why cheating happens and stick to the topic of forgiveness.

How can we be so mad because of someones pasts when we are no better? Some say "Well I didn't do what they did (in this case sex before marriage). And? If I understand right all sins are the same. We can't get mad over one sin but not over another because we think its a worse sin. True, cheating/sex before marriage is a terrible thing in terms of morality. But in Gods eyes sin is sin. Whether you stole a pack of gum or got drunk and mated with a goat.

This is why forgiveness is essential in a relationship. If someone can't forgive before marriage then I wouldn't trust their forgiveness level once they do marry. As stated obviously though there is a difference between having sex once with a person and having sex hundreds of times with hundreds of people. But that falls more along the lines of caution towards being with someone.

My fiance had sex with one person years ago...just once. It doesn't bug me in the slightest. I do trust her 100%.

 

[Verve]

I personally didn't ask or want to know. For me it was an intentional decision to say
"Whatever happened in your past happened in your past. All I need to know are facts that would affect us."

For me those fact based questions were

1) Do you have any transmittable diseases?
2) Do you have any children? Is there any possibility of children you are unaware of?

To which we both answered no.

Grace and forgiveness covers anything prior to our marriage.

I've had some say this was a stupid move and others say it was a pretty great idea. I just know it worked for us.

Neither of us brought in any "ex baggage", it has worked out great.

 

[CounselorForChrist]

For me those fact based questions were

1) Do you have any transmittable diseases?
2) Do you have any children? Is there any possibility of children you are unaware of?

Those are really the only questions that should be asked. Even if someone hasn't had sex before I still ask because you never know with some people. One girl I met said she was a virgin but did have a STD. I was like "But how if you are a virgin?". She said she had oral sex. I was like "So you aren't a virgin then.". SHe replied "Oral sex is not sex, I am a virgin!".

I face palmed and said "Then why is the word sex in oral sex? Just because your hymen isn't broke doesn't mean your still a virgin!". She disagreed. Granted people seem to forget a hymen may not be in a virgin. Some are born with messed up ones none at all. Still I ask questions because people have varied views on what sex actually is.

 

[ParentofChildren]

I had this subject before: http://www.christianforums.com/t7536958/

http://www.christianforums.com/t7560874-7/#post60952974