Dredging up sexual past

[RobertMerton]

A members reply to a different thread got me thinking on this one.

For those who were not virgins at the time of their wedding night, how soon did you discuss sexual history, or even ex partners?

Should you?
Shouldn't you? (if both partners are not virgins)

 

[DZoolander]

Well, I think it's good to know a basic #.

Ever seen that movie "Best in Show"? In it - there's a guy that is married to some lady where no matter where they go - they inevitably come across some guy that the wife had banged previously. While I'm certainly not a big "you should marry a virgin" guy - I wouldn't want to be faced with that either...lol

 

[LinkH]

I think you ought to discuss it before marriage. Don't talk about sex in the dark alone sitting on the couch. But before proposing, when a man starts thinking of marriage, I think it wise to find out her sexual history (and let her know it is a BIG violation of trust to lie about it if that could be an issue), her philosophy on how a marriage should function, her beliefs on divorce and remarriage, her beliefs about sexual 'duties' in marriage, how many children she wants to have and how negotiable that is, priorities about work and where you would want to live, and all about her beliefs and her relationship with God. Try to spot any anger problems and see if she has any unhealthy relationships with her family or friends. Is she a forgiver? Disclose all this kind of stuff about yourself, too.

I don't think it's wise to propose without covering any surprises that could be potential deal-breakers.

 

[CareyGreen]

In my experience counseling, it has ALWAYS been good to get the unknown past out into the open. Too often spouses/fiances are prone to "dreaming up" what happened... when it's much better to know the facts so you actually know what you are dealing with. Whatever says hidden, stays dangerous.

 

[Luther073082]

A members reply to a different thread got me thinking on this one.

For those who were not virgins at the time of their wedding night, how soon did you discuss sexual history, or even ex partners?

Should you?
Shouldn't you? (if both partners are not virgins)

Discussed it well before we got married. I don't think you have to go into detail of everything you did. But the person you are marrying needs to know who you've been with.

 

[Hetta]

A members reply to a different thread got me thinking on this one.

For those who were not virgins at the time of their wedding night, how soon did you discuss sexual history, or even ex partners?

Should you?
Shouldn't you? (if both partners are not virgins)

You both should be totally open and honest about your previous experiences. It doesn't have to be a full description of what you did with whom and when (and how many times), but at least a ballpark figure. That said, it shouldn't be forced or demanded, it should be a part of the conversation that most couple have about their expectations of marriage, and of each other. Again it should be both of you being open.

 

[Shane R]

The only thing I have to add to this is there are more people that have been raped or sexually assaulted than what many of us realize. Sometimes sexual history can be a dark cloud. Those experiences and instances can be a hard thing to discuss, especially if they go back to childhood or adolescence.

 

[If Not For Grace]

Sex is not a numbers game..if someone ask's me how many people I've been to bed with, I generally respond with Why do you want to know-let em yap a minute and say
more than 2 and less than a million..

Was everybody but me saved at age 12 or under?


I had a past..so did my husband and as Jeremiah Johnson would say "That is all you need to know".

 

[DZoolander]

Well, everyone's got a # that they think is skanky, and it's simply an interest in knowing if you exceed that #. The # is entirely subjective and usually (I've noticed) is kinda contingent upon their own #. Like - so long as you're in the same ballpark as they are - then they're cool with it. But what most people don't want is someone with a # that is astronomically higher than theirs.

 

[If Not For Grace]

So If I slept w/100 and you w/50- I'm not "pure enough" ---please...

I would not want to marry someone who "claimed to be" a christian-to whom the number mattered..We should be a way down the road BF such a conversation is acceptable..If I said BF I was saved I had a very carnal life, living in hedonistic bliss for years and then....(gave a conversion testimony)..would all this still be relevant to you?

What about who I am now, whatever attracted you to me initially and what you have known about me since? Does a number of sexual partners, make that null and void?
Who is it that you think you can marry who has not "sinned"? And why so much weight on this one?

 

[DZoolander]

Well, you're actually asking the wrong person, because premarital sex has never been my issue by any stretch of the imagination. I believe people choose what their issues are - and what they focus their energies upon.

My chosen issues have always been things other than sexual. In many ways I view sexual issues with about as much as weight as your average Christian probably views issues like anger, jealousy, being judgmental, etc. It's there - but it certainly never consumed my thoughts.

So - nah - I don't really care in that respect. I do, however, have that same sort of ingrained idea of "she ought not have multiples of where I'm at". Why? Because I like most people sort of view myself as the "average". Everything up to where I'm at makes perfect sense to me. Anything way beyond where I am reeks of lack of control...lol Yeah - I know it's kinda lame - but I do admit that's how my mind works.

 

[RobertMerton]

If they were not christians at the time then that does not really bother me.
If they were however, and they claimed to be christians at the time,
and the number is more than one..

then i do have concerns with that.
I read a quote here that i like
'Once is a mistake, more than once is a choice'. < -- (does not include non-consensual actions)

 

[CounselorForChrist]

'Once is a mistake, more than once is a choice'. < -- (does not include non-consensual actions)

I have said that many times on here!

Once your a christian, if you mess up then its understandable (granted its still a sin). But having many sexual partners over and over becomes a choice after the first time. For me I had sex countless times with my ex at the time. So it was my choice. Of course I was mad at God at the time, not that it changes anything since I still was having sex out of free will.

Also it is important to bring up our sexual pasts...saved or not. Some people want nothing to do with you even if you had sex once (christian or not). Where as others may like you have had sex (for whatever reason). Honesty is one of the keys to a relationship. Lying about one thing sets you up to be ok with lying about something else. Which eventually it will catch up with you and destroy the trust the other person had with you.

Me and my fiance told each other within a few days time of meeting that either of us was virgins. She was actually sacred to death to tell me for fear I would not want to be with her because she wasn't a virgin. BUt thats when I told her I wasn't a virgin either and I don't hold it against her since neither of us can stand on high ground claiming to be better (not that we should do such things really).

She felt better knowing I understood. Since then we have not held back anything. We are very honest.

 

[DZoolander]

'Once is a mistake, more than once is a choice'. < -- (does not include non-consensual actions)

Is that really true, though?

Like let's say your wife were to come to you and say "I banged some other guy - but it was just once"

Would you look at that as a mistake, or a choice?

 

[Spunkn]

Should be discussed. However details about specifics should -not- be discussed. That's just adding fuel to an already potential wildfire.

 

[Hetta]

So If I slept w/100 and you w/50- I'm not "pure enough" ---please...

I would not want to marry someone who "claimed to be" a christian-to whom the number mattered..We should be a way down the road BF such a conversation is acceptable..If I said BF I was saved I had a very carnal life, living in hedonistic bliss for years and then....(gave a conversion testimony)..would all this still be relevant to you?

What about who I am now, whatever attracted you to me initially and what you have known about me since? Does a number of sexual partners, make that null and void?
Who is it that you think you can marry who has not "sinned"? And why so much weight on this one?

But don't you think that it's everyone's right to make that decision based on facts? I do not condemn anyone for the number of their sexual partners. I just do think that when I married my husband, I had the right to know if he had slept with half of the town, or even only with one woman. When I trusted my body to a man, I wanted to know that it was safe. Do you know what I mean?

Of course, if you meet a man, and he asks you how many sexual partners, you can certainly refuse to answer, or make up a number, or walk out and never see him again.

 

[Hetta]

If they were not christians at the time then that does not really bother me.
If they were however, and they claimed to be christians at the time,
and the number is more than one..

So that is your criteria, and all well and good, but it's a shame to close the door because a woman had two sexual partners. That said, i do not know what "my" number would be for a man, if I was single, but it would be very low. I have never had any interest in the 'stud' kind of man. My husband's "number" was very low, and that was good for me.

 

[Spunkn]

But don't you think that it's everyone's right to make that decision based on facts? I do not condemn anyone for the number of their sexual partners. I just do think that when I married my husband, I had the right to know if he had slept with half of the town, or even with his high school sweetheart. When I trusted my body to a man, I wanted to know that it was safe. Do you know what I mean?

Of course, if you meet a man, and he asks you how many sexual partners, you can certainly refuse to answer, or make up a number, or walk out and never see him again.

The biggest question is....is it God's will? Does God wants you to get married to this person. If you are getting clear indications that yes it is, then it doesn't matter if she "slept with half the town" or with "two or three people". What matters is that she is walking with the Lord and has truly gotten healing and dealt with her past. I think the danger is in that if you put a limit on certain areas, then all of a sudden you decide this person isn't who I thought they were, or this is more than I can handle.

Would it be hard to deal with if the person in question had "slept with half the town?" Yes. Should it be an automatic deal-breaker ever? No, in my opinion. What you should look at, is how has she changed since then? Is she sincere in her walk with the Lord? Are you following God's will in this relationship? If you truly are, then I think anyone will eventually be able to deal with her past, whatever it may be.

The person should be safe because of their walk with the Lord and you trust that they've changed. Not because of the specifics of what they did and with who.

I hope that makes sense, I'm just trying to describe a different perspective.

 

[Hetta]

I understand your perspective, but I wouldn't be able to get past promiscuity. I am talking about a man by the way, not a woman. Women also do not want a promiscuous partner. Even if that person has changed, and glory be to God that they are healed and now whole, I would find trust a hard issue, and I do not feel called upon to marry the promiscuous man. Someone else may do so. Just not I.

This said, I am married for a long time and do not expect to ever date a man again, but if by some sad circumstance I did, this would be a breaking point for me.

 

[DZoolander]

The biggest question is....is it God's will? Does God wants you to get married to this person. If you are getting clear indications that yes it is, then it doesn't matter if she "slept with half the town" or with "two or three people". What matters is that she is walking with the Lord and has truly gotten healing and dealt with her past. I think the danger is in that if you put a limit on certain areas, then all of a sudden you decide this person isn't who I thought they were, or this is more than I can handle.

Would it be hard to deal with if the person in question had "slept with half the town?" Yes. Should it be an automatic deal-breaker ever? No, in my opinion. What you should look at, is how has she changed since then? Is she sincere in her walk with the Lord? Are you following God's will in this relationship? If you truly are, then I think anyone will eventually be able to deal with her past, whatever it may be.

The person should be safe because of their walk with the Lord and you trust that they've changed. Not because of the specifics of what they did and with who.

I hope that makes sense, I'm just trying to describe a different perspective.

It makes sense - but ya know...

On these boards, and in my own life, I've seen a lot of people who try and diminish how they really feel about things because they believe they "ought" to feel another way. I've known people that married folks they weren't attracted to - because they thought they "ought" to overlook those things. I've known people that married folks who rubbed them the wrong way for other issues - because they thought they "ought" to look beyond those things.

...and all that does is cause turmoil. When it comes down to it - while you supposedly "ought" to overlook the fact that a man or woman weighs 500 lbs - if you're not attracted to the morbidly obese - it ain't gonna work for you - and IMHO you're a fool if you make that decision.

I'm a firm believer in accepting who you are on those types of things - and going with it. For example - sticking with the obese - I would never marry one. Or say - women I find unattractive? Say she has a great big old hair-growing mole in the middle of her face? I'm not attracted to them. But who says that the only type of relationship I can have with a woman is one that needs to have marriage as a potential outcome?

I'm perfectly happy having fellowship and friendship with all sorts of people...but those that I wasn't attracted to were the ones that I dropped off at the end of the night with a hug and nothing more...and I see no "sin" or problem in that.

A wife - or spouse - should be someone that you're excited about on ALL levels in my mind.

Sexual history is no different. If you've been with 0 people and you can't emotionally get around the fact that your potential-mate has been with 5 guys - then don't date her. You don't *NEED* to get past it. Be her friend - and have the both of you find partners that you can emotionally accept on all levels. If you've been with 5 people and can't accept someone that's been with 10 - same thing. If you've been with 50, and can't deal with the fact she's been with 5, you're a hypocritical jacka**...lol (had to throw that in)

But - back on topic - I don't believe that personal feelings on things are issues you *ought* to figure out a way to work beyond. Marriage is (hopefully) a once in a lifetime shot/deal. Allow yourself to be who you are and only do it with someone that you can freely love and accept on all levels. Otherwise - you're likely setting yourself up to be another statistic.