It has been almost 7 months since my wife departed, and I am still looking for reassurance that she is OK. I receive subtle hints, sometimes in dreams, sometimes a television show, sometimes my son will say something completely off the cuff that gets me thinking. But I have this desire to know without a doubt that she is truly home, that she is well, that she surrounded by joy and love.
After the one intense dream I had just days after she passed, I rarely had any memorable dreams about her at all. But lately I have been dreaming once again. There seems to be a recurring theme of being reunited and separated, longing for the past but accepting that we cannot go back and must move forward. Strangely, our son hardly figures into them at all. Perhaps that is because he is still with me in this life.
One recent dream began with a feeling of great anticipation, that a joyful event was about to occur. I walked into a crowded restaurant, and approached the bar. As I got closer, I saw a familiar woman turn and look at me. It was my wife. A smile appeared on her face, and it was the same smile she greeted me with when we were first dating and our love was new. In the back of my mind, I knew that she had died, and I did not understand why she was here with me or why I was allowed to see her, but none of that mattered. I felt such joy as we embraced. But I knew we could not remain together, and before I knew it I awoke. I felt such deep loss and loneliness at that moment that I could not even cry.
Another began with my wife and I at home. I remember that she was not pleased with me for the way I have been conducting myself. I was being reminded of all the selfish things I have done. But she still let me know that she loved me, and she forgave me, for there is no healing without forgiveness. Anyway, in this dream we had already been living in our current home for a while, but we had gone back to our previous house, which was vacant. We really missed the old place, and so we began moving things in as if we were going to live there again. Part way through this process, we decided together that we didn't belong there and needed to go back to our new house because that's where our future is. The rest is a blur, but the last thing I remember is that I knew I had to say goodbye to her, and that my son and I were going to be alone. There was such a feeling of sadness that I woke up crying intensely.
I've learned through grieving that sometimes it doesn't matter what you know. You feel things, and you can't deny those feelings, you can't bury them, and you can't change them. There is a deep longing to have our loved ones back, a strong desire to have everything back the way it was, a wish for a chance to right past wrongs.
At the same time you are slammed hard with reality, by the finality of it all, the fact that what you can never go back. It can be debilitating, but you know that you must move forward.
Throughout all of this, the one thing that keeps nagging at me is that I really don't know for certain what the state of her eternal soul is. I probably never will know until I am there too. It is so difficult to take it on faith alone, without evidence, despite the subtle hints I have been given. If anything, these dreams tell me that I am still holding on and refusing to let go.
Anyway, I apologize once again for such a long-winded and pointless post. I guess I'm just looking for some reassurance that this is normal and that I'm not alone.
After the one intense dream I had just days after she passed, I rarely had any memorable dreams about her at all. But lately I have been dreaming once again. There seems to be a recurring theme of being reunited and separated, longing for the past but accepting that we cannot go back and must move forward. Strangely, our son hardly figures into them at all. Perhaps that is because he is still with me in this life.
One recent dream began with a feeling of great anticipation, that a joyful event was about to occur. I walked into a crowded restaurant, and approached the bar. As I got closer, I saw a familiar woman turn and look at me. It was my wife. A smile appeared on her face, and it was the same smile she greeted me with when we were first dating and our love was new. In the back of my mind, I knew that she had died, and I did not understand why she was here with me or why I was allowed to see her, but none of that mattered. I felt such joy as we embraced. But I knew we could not remain together, and before I knew it I awoke. I felt such deep loss and loneliness at that moment that I could not even cry.
Another began with my wife and I at home. I remember that she was not pleased with me for the way I have been conducting myself. I was being reminded of all the selfish things I have done. But she still let me know that she loved me, and she forgave me, for there is no healing without forgiveness. Anyway, in this dream we had already been living in our current home for a while, but we had gone back to our previous house, which was vacant. We really missed the old place, and so we began moving things in as if we were going to live there again. Part way through this process, we decided together that we didn't belong there and needed to go back to our new house because that's where our future is. The rest is a blur, but the last thing I remember is that I knew I had to say goodbye to her, and that my son and I were going to be alone. There was such a feeling of sadness that I woke up crying intensely.
I've learned through grieving that sometimes it doesn't matter what you know. You feel things, and you can't deny those feelings, you can't bury them, and you can't change them. There is a deep longing to have our loved ones back, a strong desire to have everything back the way it was, a wish for a chance to right past wrongs.
At the same time you are slammed hard with reality, by the finality of it all, the fact that what you can never go back. It can be debilitating, but you know that you must move forward.
Throughout all of this, the one thing that keeps nagging at me is that I really don't know for certain what the state of her eternal soul is. I probably never will know until I am there too. It is so difficult to take it on faith alone, without evidence, despite the subtle hints I have been given. If anything, these dreams tell me that I am still holding on and refusing to let go.
Anyway, I apologize once again for such a long-winded and pointless post. I guess I'm just looking for some reassurance that this is normal and that I'm not alone.
