Doubt, Fear, and my Return.

[Mankin]

I have never really expounded this before so please forgive me if it comes out sounding akward. I remember when I was first baptized. I was only 13-14 at the time. My friend's mother told me Satan would tempt me a lot more now that I had been baptized. I never believed her until now that I look back. I began to doubt God's existence soon after that. It was a slow and steady course. At times I felt like I knew that God existed and at other times He seemed so far away. I was caught in the gap between faith and disbelief known as agnostic. I knew that God existed in my heart, but there was always something there nagging at me saying, "What if He doesn't exist?" Even with all the stories of miracles and the evidence for God, I was still caught in that gap.
But whenever I started to believe in God fully, the concept of heaven frightened me. My mind could not comprehend a place where you lived forever. It just crumbled whenever I thought about it. But at the same time, death terrified me. I just couldn't wrap my mind around not existing anymore. So I went back and forth. There was a breaking point for me however. It was last year as I was laying on my bed staring at my globe. I was thinking deeply about God, when suddenly I burst into tears. God had to exist. My entire being cried out for Him. I cried out to God, and I began to feel a sense of peace overtake me.
Then I heard one man preach a sermon at our church. He told about how God had worked through his life and brought him from being a drug dealer to being an evangelist.
One reason that brought me back to God was the discovery of my talent. In my younger teenage years, I felt like I had no talent. Then I discovered writing. it was something i exceled at. Something that felt good to do. If we are all just made by chance, why do we all have talents? God gives us all talents.
One thing that also brought me stronger into God was doing my first sermon. I prayed about it and it just felt good giving it. Studying theology also brought me closer to God.
In the end I realized that God was always there in my life. Today, yes, I still do doubt sometimes. But I can't get rid of that feeling deep down in my chest that God is out there and He does care. I've seen Him work miracles in my grandmother. I've seen Him use my type one diabetes for good. I know He exists, and thanks to my recent studies, I have good reason to believe He exists.

Sorry for the long post.

 

[DarylFawcett]

It wasn't a long post, and thank you for sharing this with us.

 

[thecountrydoc]

Hi Mankin,

Thank for your post. I can fully relate from both the physical and the spiritual points you mentioned. Please know that you will never face anything in this life that hasn't been faced by someone before. When we feel like we're down to nothing, God is up to somthing.

Your brother in Christ,
Doc

 

[Mankin]

Thank you. One thing I love about Jesus is that he can relate to us. He's been here and been through every temptation we went through.

 

[AndrewK788]

Thanks for sharing that with us Mankin! It's amazing how God works in our lives, and I'm happy to hear you're doing better now. I've been through a lot of the things you have. It's kind of funny, because I like writing too!

 

[digdeep]

"All that the Father gives Me will come to Me, and the one who comes to Me I will certainly not cast out." John 6:37


DD

 

[TrustAndObey]

Mankin, like the others I'd like to thank you for sharing your story with us here today, but I'd also let you know that I received a true blessing from it this morning.

I read it first thing and didn't have time to respond because I have a list of chores a mile long that I do on Sundays. I decided to take a break and thank you.

As I've been cleaning I've been thinking about a situation that recently came up for my own teenage son, and really trying to see what this could mean for his future and for his faith.

He's at a very real crossroad in his faith right now. He may not recognize it as such but I definitely do.

I don't want to hijack your thread by explaining the situation, but with your permission I'd like to share it briefly and then ask your advice about what I should.

It's been a long time since I was teenager, and I'm unsure right now about how much I should try to intervene (if at all) and how MUCH of this I should let him experience without trying to protect him.

Our experiences mold us, and I don't want to take those away from him (even the bad ones) but this situation really could crush him, and I don't know the extent of how much he can take.

If it's okay, can I tell you the situation and then you tell me, as a teenager, how much you'd want your mom to step in? I'd really appreciate it, but at the same time I don't want to take anything away from your testimony here.

~Lainie

 

[Mankin]

Go ahead Trust. I don't mind at all.

 

[TrustAndObey]

Awesome, thank you.

Okay, about 5 months ago Riley and I started butting heads about rules and responsibility. He's almost 14 and he has been rebelling in a major way.

On one particular occasion he got very angry and was very disrespectful toward me. I told him that he wasn't honoring me as his mother by doing that, and he replied with "so what, I don't believe in God anyway."

I know we all say things we don't mean when we're angry so I didn't jump on his case, but I did ask him why he said that. He said, "too many bad things happen in the world for there to be a God."

I've been there, I know exactly what he's feeling, you know? I haven't been pushing him at all, but I've been pointing out good things that happen and how that even bad things could usually be worse than they are.

A couple of months ago he came back from a weekend trip with his dad and he seemed like a new kid. They had gone to see his uncle Darren in Texas, and Darren happens to be on his second battle with malignant cancer.

Riley was deeply touched by Darren's fight and the way Darren maintains faith in God through his horrible crisis and he told me "I know God won't let him die Mom."

He talked about what a good father Darren is, and how much his boys love him, and he said "no way would God take him away."

He was right. Darren survived the second surgery, and seems to be doing quite well.

Here's the problem:

Even though the second bout with cancer and the second surgery did not kill Darren (thank God), there is always the possibily that it could come back. It has before.

They're not even sure if they got all of it this time.

There's also the possibility that the cancer will eventually kill him.

Should I start preparing Riley for that NOW? I'm thinking it's not a good idea to wait until Darren dies to let Riley know that good people do get taken away from their families sometimes.

If Darren does die from this, I truly do think it will devastate him and he'll be convinced that God doesn't exist.

I want him to know that we can't just have faith when things are going well and that true faith is about holding on when things look totally bleak and knowing that God's plan is good anyway.

I just don't know how to do it without being his creepy mom. Because that's what I am right now in his eyes. I'm Riley's creepy mom with rules and guidelines, and I don't think everything in life should be about having fun, like he does.

How do I give him this huge lesson without him automatically rebelling against it just because I'm his mom?

I really would appreciate any advice you can give me on this Mankin.

 

[TrustAndObey]

I didn't really stress enough in my last post that Riley attributed his newfound faith in God on Darren and the encouragement that Darren gave him when he was in Texas. Darren was able to talk to Riley in a way I haven't been able to in a long time, and I am very grateful to him for that.

But do you see my overall dilemma here that the person that made Riley love God again is the same person that Riley's great controversy might surround?

 

[Mankin]

First of all, you need to have faith that Darren will survive. Second of all, you need to go about this in a round about way. Don't just blurt it out to him because that will only likely cause him to become angry. You should bring up the story of Job to your son to teach him that bad things happen to good people. His outburst could either mean one of two things. He just yelled it out in rebellion of what you seem to represent, God, or he truly has difficulties with his faith.
Like I said before, do it in a roundabout way, but not too round about where he says, "Just come right out and tell me what you're trying to say." Perhaps you could share experiences with your son when you lost someone important to you and it hurt your faith. I went through something similar with my grandmother this week and it had me questioning God somewhat. Sorry, not the best explanation. I'll post some more later.
Also, I think one reason he is rebelling is because he feels restricted by you and sheltered. He feels like you are holding him back from all the things he could experience. All teens consider their parents too stuck in their ways.

 

[Mankin]

Don't approach him in an authoritarian kind of manner when you talk to him about this. That will make him think of it like a lecture and he'll try to tune you out. Just talk with him casually about it.

 

[TrustAndObey]

Thanks for your advice about this Mankin and it really did help.

It's not that I don't have faith that Darren will survive. It's just that I know sometimes our prayers are not always answered in the way WE think they should be.

Riley is all about testing people's credibility right now, and I never mentioned before the surgery that there was always a chance that it wouldn't go well, because Riley would've seen that as putting negative connotations on the whole thing (or "jinxing" it) and he would've said, "see, you were wrong" when it did go well.

I knew it wasn't something that I wanted to bring up beforehand, but I wasn't sure at all how I would handle it if the surgery didn't work out well.

For whatever reason, Riley feels Darren is very credible and has placed a lot of stock in his words. I'm very thankful for that, but that's also the exact reason I think it could seriously hinder his faith if it had/did end up ending poorly.

The ideal situation would be for Darren to tell Riley that it's important to have faith even when things don't go our way. I'm just not close to him (he's my ex-husband's brother) and that's not something you want to call someone out of the blue about.

I'll definitely tiptoe around Riley with this one because I do recognize that it could very well be a life-altering situation.

Thanks for your help again little bro!

 

[capnator]

since this is a thread about you... can I ask why you have the description Dark Lord under your name? I've just sometimes wondered about that time myself.

 

[Mankin]

since this is a thread about you... can I ask why you have the description Dark Lord under your name? I've just sometimes wondered about that time myself.

It's a Lord of the Rings reference. And it is usually the title of the antagonist from a fantasy novel which I enjoy to read(at least some of them). Also it's kinda of a joke in the Teen area.

 

[AndrewK788]

Hey I wondered what the 'dark lord' meant too! lol now I know!

 

[thecountrydoc]

Hi Mankin,

You might want to rethink the use of your screen name. Think about what it is actually asscoiated with.

Respectfully, your friend in Christ,
Doc

 

[Mankin]

I can't believe you would use this thread on faith to patronize me. Then again, why am I surprised.