Don't know what to do

[raven1]

I feel a majority on here really don't doubt God exists. I doubt his existence, feel thoughts like yeah right when I read the bible am drawn to athiestic opinions, think maybe it is better we don't have a afterlife, think athiests are smarter,etc. If there are others that really do doubt then the doubt itself is not OCD I believe anyway, therefore I feel like I am participating in Pascals wager. I cannot know I am saved. How are my feelings not how I truly feel? If I doubt God exists, feel meaness towards him, feel like atheists are smarter etc. but fear I may be wrong and believe in case that is Pascals wager not salvation. I can't even trust him that the world won't end on dec 21 I plan my life around it. I can try not to fear it and trust but that is just being fake too. I can't fool him. There is no way I am saved. The biggest thing is Christianity doesnt make sense alot of the time. I have also been pushing God away be not wanting to get closer to him then physically squeezing why face with my hand as a reaction along with the thought I don't want to go to hell and that is the only reason I care. I don't want to go to hell not because I love God or care about him.

 

[kaykay9.0]

Raven, I think much of your feelings of "meanness"" you say you have toward God is simply a result of your frustration with your doubt. I still say that anyone who is this concerned about the situation has a core of belief there somewhere. Otherwise you would simply not be that concerned or afraid.

 

[gracealone]

Here's what you do. Print this post out and take it to your therapist on Tuesday as an example of how your thoughts torment you. That's where I'd start.
Love you,
Mitzi

I feel a majority on here really don't doubt God exists. I doubt his existence, feel thoughts like yeah right when I read the bible am drawn to athiestic opinions, think maybe it is better we don't have a afterlife, think athiests are smarter,etc. If there are others that really do doubt then the doubt itself is not OCD I believe anyway, therefore I feel like I am participating in Pascals wager. I cannot know I am saved. How are my feelings not how I truly feel? If I doubt God exists, feel meaness towards him, feel like atheists are smarter etc. but fear I may be wrong and believe in case that is Pascals wager not salvation. I can't even trust him that the world won't end on dec 21 I plan my life around it. I can try not to fear it and trust but that is just being fake too. I can't fool him. There is no way I am saved. The biggest thing is Christianity doesnt make sense alot of the time. I have also been pushing God away be not wanting to get closer to him then physically squeezing why face with my hand as a reaction along with the thought I don't want to go to hell and that is the only reason I care. I don't want to go to hell not because I love God or care about him.

 

[raven1]

Kaykay no they are real yeah right feelings when I read the bible. Or I get them when people say God is planning your future. I have even been intentionly pushing God away. Like I don't want him. Please everyone pray for the devil to let me go. I am even having feelings I don't want that. I don't even want to do things like read the bible anymore. Today I had a thought pop in what if there is no God and 2012 does happen. I wanted to not think it I told God I wouldn't analyze the thought because I felt like I needed to process that as a possibility but analyzed it even though I told God I wouldn't and I knew it would make me doubt if he exists more so now I am terrified he will send me to hell for analyzing it and I still fear it may happen and the world may end or be the start of the end so I took that week off. Am I doomed. If I don't take the week off will I be trusting him even if inside I will still be scared. What should I do? When people say read your bible I am just like oh yay. I am tired of reading the bible this is bad. I have real feelings I don't want to try to be Christian anymore and not of annoyance just I don't. I don't want to do anything like church anymore etc. it is like I really don't want to try to be Christian I have this I don't care and want to attitude. I am at a whole new stage of being away from God. I didn't think I could get farther away. I am even glad my therapist I am seeing tues. is athiest. I tell myself believe in the truth which is God is real then I push that away and it REALLY feels like it is because I don't want to believe in him. I look at people's most about how God gave them the words to share etc. and I think yeah I doubt that he isn't there probably. This stinks!

 

[raven1]

Freaking out here. I don't even want God anymore it seems.

 

[kaykay9.0]

I am praying for you, Raven.

 

[raven1]

I dont want to go to hell kaykay. I really in my hearts of hearts am turning from God and thinking he is a joke. I am in tears becausae I am mot able to go to this therapist. I just got a call that she only accepts ppo not HMO. I said do u know of any others and only one other she said does exposure therapy I have already seen and she was not good. I don't want to go to hell for doubt in Gods existence or fearing 2012 but I plan all my life around 2012 like y do this or that if the world is going to end or be in chaos I took that whole week of dec 21 off because I am terrified. I am slipping into depression thinking about never seeing my little girl again. I have been crying my eyes out I was so looking forward to therapy. I dont even believe Ocd causes doubt God exists so I dont know what I was expecting, to pawn my doubt on ocd I guess. I have had four people tell me I there sister in christ then bail.

 

[Accune]

Come before the Lord in honesty and tell him your problems.Never give up and stay the course.

Leaving that place, Jesus withdrew to the region of Tyre and Sidon. 22 A Canaanite woman from that vicinity came to him, crying out, “Lord, Son of David, have mercy on me! My daughter is demon-possessed and suffering terribly.”
23 Jesus did not answer a word. So his disciples came to him and urged him, “Send her away, for she keeps crying out after us.”

24 He answered, “I was sent only to the lost sheep of Israel.”

25 The woman came and knelt before him. “Lord, help me!” she said.

26 He replied, “It is not right to take the children’s bread and toss it to the dogs.”

27 “Yes it is, Lord,” she said. “Even the dogs eat the crumbs that fall from their master’s table.”

28 Then Jesus said to her, “Woman, you have great faith! Your request is granted.” And her daughter was healed at that moment. Matthew 15:21-28

 

[raven1]

Guys my therapist bailed can you please respond to my last post on this thread. I dont even like to read what people say about God anymore I bypass it like whatever. I am really turning athiest or something but I do believe there could be a hell.

 

[gracealone]

Raven, I'm so sorry about your therapist not participating with your insurance. That totally stinks. I'll check around online for your area and see what kind of programs are available. For now would you be willing to go back to the other therapist and tell them why you felt they weren't helping you? I also think a trip to your GP is in order right now. You are in a terrible state and I feel that something should be done for you to ease your suffering. My GP was actually more helpful to me than my therapist. You'll just need to be as transparent as you can with your GP about just how badly you are depressed and how hard it is for you to function in a normal manner right now. Basically tell him/her that you are experiencing unbearable mental pain. Sometimes a GP can advocate for you in order to get you the help you need. Stay in touch OK?
I love you,
Mitzi

Guys my therapist bailed can you please respond to my last post on this thread. I dont even like to read what people say about God anymore I bypass it like whatever. I am really turning athiest or something but I do believe there could be a hell.

 

[Living in the Light]

Why not study the Bible with someone who is trained in scripture and can give you better insight and truth? The Bible is not easy when one is doing it on their own. Maybe a Bible study on-line? I'm praying for you and hope you will find proper guidance.

 

[gracealone]

PS.
Raven can you tell me the name of the Doctor you went to before so I can look her up and check out her methods for treating OCD. Also can you tell me exactly what you think she did wrong in how she approached treatment? Treatment will always feel wrong to us. It should feel risky, scary and be the exact opposite of what our brain is pushing us to do. Any therapist who spends time trying to reassure you about your fears or tries to get you to see that they are illogical isn't going to be of any help to you. Therapy is hard and in the beginning may make you feel worse rather than better but the end game is what matters. You must expect that you won't like it at all.
Anyhow could you fill me in, (only if you want to), as to what happened with the other Dr. that made you quit therapy with her.
I'm praying for you.
Mitzi

I dont want to go to hell kaykay. I really in my hearts of hearts am turning from God and thinking he is a joke. I am in tears becausae I am mot able to go to this therapist. I just got a call that she only accepts ppo not HMO. I said do u know of any others and only one other she said does exposure therapy I have already seen and she was not good. I don't want to go to hell for doubt in Gods existence or fearing 2012 but I plan all my life around 2012 like y do this or that if the world is going to end or be in chaos I took that whole week of dec 21 off because I am terrified. I am slipping into depression thinking about never seeing my little girl again. I have been crying my eyes out I was so looking forward to therapy. I dont even believe Ocd causes doubt God exists so I dont know what I was expecting, to pawn my doubt on ocd I guess. I have had four people tell me I there sister in christ then bail.

 

[raven1]

I can although not right this second.what should I do about my 2012 fear and m y purposely pushing away God. Ok her name was ronnie saunders in richmond va.she just get tellimg me y I wasnt a pedophile even though she knew that wouldnt work but I am cofused about exposure therspy. I will have to explain that later.

 

[gracealone]

I'll see if I can find out anything at all about her. You are right that telling you that you weren't a pedophile doesn't help the OCD so that's just a waste of time and also counterproductive. Don't do anything about your 2012 fear, nothing at all. It's just there because your brain needs something to be freaked out about. If 2012 happened to be the "end of the world" what you could do about it any way? (Not that I believe it is but I can certainly seee how when my OCD was bad it would be very easy to dwell on it.)
As far as you pushing away God, this is a pretty common thing for people with religious OCD. It's called "avoidance". If you focus on God, either by reading the Bible, or going to church, or trying to pray it causes you to "spike". It's often easier to avoid than to stay in the presence of the fear. But then what happens is that the avoidance makes the fear that you really don't want God all the more threatening. I mean after all, " a real Christian would never feel this way about God." (a quote from my past) I couldn't even listen to hymns withoug spiking when my OCD was bad. The music seemed more like a theme from a horror movie than music to soothe my soul. This made me feel evil. Kind of like a vampire avoiding a cross. What misery!
But it was all due to the fact that my OCD had latched onto my faith and freaked out in all sorts of various ways concerning it.
Get to your GP ASAP and tell them your anxiety is at an unbearable level 10, every waking moment of every day.
Mitzi

I can although not right this second.what should I do about my 2012 fear and m y purposely pushing away God. Ok her name was ronnie saunders in richmond va.she just get tellimg me y I wasnt a pedophile even though she knew that wouldnt work but I am cofused about exposure therspy. I will have to explain that later.

 

[raven1]

Ok got a min. She said her and the therapist I have already seen arw the only two that do exposure therspy the last one didnt but that wasfor pedophilia ocd. Also my physiological anxiety symptoms are gone so how will exposure therspy help over talk therspy

 

[gracealone]

First of all talk therapy is pretty much useless when it comes to OCD.
Secondly are you saying that you aren't currently being tortured mentally? I'll tell you what also, as soon as you begin exposure therapy, if you are doing it correctly the anxiety symptoms will come back. The life robbing compulsions that you are engaged in all the time are like your drug of choice. They temporarily ease the anxiety but they pound the obsession into your brain like a jack hammer. As soon as you refuse to do the compulsions the anxiety will peak. But just like a drug addict - withdrawal is never easy but it is necessary. This is how exposure works. It's just like treating an allergy. Pretend for a moment that your OCD obsessions are like allergens. Your brain is overreacting to their presence and putting out all this fight or flight chemistry. When you do the compulsions it's just like scratching a reallly bad itch. The more you scratch the worse the itch gets. ERP teaches you to stop scratching that itch. It teaches you to allow the obsessions to be in your brain in a way that allows for the brain to become habituated to them so it stops over reacting to them. This means purposely exposing yourself to the fearful obsessions by exaggerating them and purposely dwelling on the worst case scenario or outcomes without seeking any reassurance whatsoever in response to them. NO SCRATCHING!! This means no more asking questions in an attempt to gain proof or evidence or reassurance that your not doomed to hell or becoming an athiest. No more mental debate or arguing with the thoughts. You allow those "allergy shots" into your brain through exposure until eventually your brain quits overreacting to them. It becomes desensitized. This is often done by having you write out a story on paper as to what it would be like for you if the obsessions were really true. You would do this with as much vivid detail as you can imagine, no matter how horrid it is. Then you'd read it out loud to yourself, maybe even tape recording it. Then you'd listen to it while allowing yourself to become as upset at possible WITHOUT engaging in any of the compulsive reassurance seeking behaviors.
Everytime someone reassures you in regard to the fears they are only helping you with the compulsions which in turn makes the OCD worse. NOT GOOD! Try to remember that.
Meanwhile let's get proactive here and look for help in as many ways as you can till you get what you need. Never, never, never give up!
Here are three OCD support groups in your area. Pick one and go to it. You may end up being helped more by someone who has OCD like you than you are the professional who heads up the group.
#1. OCD support group - Ronna Saunders 804 -270-4111
meets -1st and 3rd Tues. every month 7:15 - 8:45 PM
#2 OCD support group - Robert Falk 804-794-4482
meets 3rd Wed. of every month 6 -7:20 pm.
#3 Trish Evans 804-270-1124
Meets 1st Wed. of every month - time?
Balls in your court kiddo.
Love you,
Mitzi

Ok got a min. She said her and the therapist I have already seen arw the only two that do exposure therspy the last one didnt but that wasfor pedophilia ocd. Also my physiological anxiety symptoms are gone so how will exposure therspy help over talk therspy

 

[gracealone]

PS. I gotta scoot. I'm supposed to be working out this morning but I've been so concerned for you that I just had to check in. Now I've got to get at it. So I'll catch you later.
Mitzi

Ok got a min. She said her and the therapist I have already seen arw the only two that do exposure therspy the last one didnt but that wasfor pedophilia ocd. Also my physiological anxiety symptoms are gone so how will exposure therspy help over talk therspy

 

[raven1]

I will definately go to my gp. Probably tonight. I just meant some things are not bad like I dont get panic attacks thinking about hell but I am scared I will go there. I also dont know if I will ever believe the ocd caused my doubt or and there fore. I can be forgiven for doubting he exists. So I am not sure what therspy can do. AS far as falling away from God it is like when I am l looking at facebook and I see like someone praising or saying God will answer prayers. I feel this disrespectful rude feeling come up.

 

[raven1]

The 2012 thing is I plan my life around it saying y do this or that if it is the end or beginning of. I even took that week off so one says that shows no trust which makes me feel hellbound. I also think it is hillarious when people say bad stuff about God our take his name in vain.

Also did you have ah ha moment when you started to not doubt God exists. Au said it won't send you to hell to doubt God exists if not caused by OCD but I can't prove that. I feel like that is just something we think to make ourselves feel like we won't go to hell we can't know that we doubt God exists! I did go to my go today. He put me on seroquel. Someone please answer my questions I know I am annoying.

 

[kaykay9.0]

Raven, I'm so sorry about your therapist not participating with your insurance. That totally stinks. I'll check around online for your area and see what kind of programs are available. For now would you be willing to go back to the other therapist and tell them why you felt they weren't helping you? I also think a trip to your GP is in order right now. You are in a terrible state and I feel that something should be done for you to ease your suffering. My GP was actually more helpful to me than my therapist. You'll just need to be as transparent as you can with your GP about just how badly you are depressed and how hard it is for you to function in a normal manner right now. Basically tell him/her that you are experiencing unbearable mental pain. Sometimes a GP can advocate for you in order to get you the help you need. Stay in touch OK?
I love you,
Mitzi

I agree! Praying for you! I also would encourage you to follow up on the support group idea!