Don't know what to do?

[brokenman]

I have been dating a wonderful woman now for about 3 months. We have both come out of a divorce (not recently) and have both learned and grown (with the help of God) from these horrible experiences.

Anyways things are really good and it is really our first "real" relationship since our divorces and our first God focused relationship. We have run into minor issues, but have dealt with them and/or are dealing with them.

One of the issues, though I don't know if I want to call it a issue, b/c it sounds so harsh, is that she keeps herself distant from me...physically (my love language is touch...which she knows) and emotionally. I am a open guy when it comes to the relationship, so I can see how I can be too up front.

I know some of this is on my side and me letting her wait to drop some walls so she feels safe to talk to me (and I am willing to wait for that). But she has voiced she is distant from me/us and doesn't know why and doesn't really want to talk about it. I don't want to make it a hot topic we discuss all the time b/c I would rather focus on the good and continue to build trust.

But I guess I need something back, some sort of reaction to something. I know I'm a guy and there are times where I need to know "everything is okay." But its more then that, just that she is okay and if she isn't or isn't happy with the relationship, we can work on it and/or if she doesn't want to be in it anymore, then (as tough as this is to say) she would feel free to leave.

I don't know if that makes sense at all, but yeah...any questions please ask! Thanks in advance.

Brokenman

 

[MrsSeptemberPenguin]

I'm not sure if I completely get what you're saying, but I'm going to try to give you a few ideas anyway, speaking from personal experience, even though I'm not in a relationship right now.

You said she didn't really wanna talk about why she was distant, at least to an extent. Is it possible she was hurt in her past? Abused? It can be extremely difficult for a woman to open up after being hurt. 3 months isn't really that long, especially if she's a bit wary of men. How long did you guys know each other before you started dating?

I understand that your love language is touch, but what's hers? Maybe you can stick with holding hands, or some form of touch that isn't really that invasive of personal space for the time being until she becomes more comfortable? Also, you if you know her love language, communicating to her that way may help her to open up a bit more.

Just a few thoughts I had, hope they make sense, I'm a bit out of it right now

 

[brokenman]

Thanks for the reply (hope you feel better!).

She had been married before so there is some hurt that came from that, which most people coming from a divorce have. I do know the extent of what happened in her previous marriage. And I whole heartely agree with 3 months not being very long. And I don't expect her to share something if she isn't comfortable.

Its more of her just sharing in general. Her love language is touch and quality time, which I try to speak whenver I/we can. I do that with her, holding hands, scratching back, etc. Sometimes I feel as though I push for it...you know? I have said that to her too and she just doesn't know why she isn't more "agressive" in that fact.

If it's me, good let me know, then we can work on it or I can work on it to make her feel more loved/appreciated/respected.

I guess I am just looking for more of a response in general from her. Her holding my hand more (and other touch things like that), telling me encouraging things (I'm a affirmation guy)...be more "excited" about the relationship. I don't want to appear as selfish, so if it comes of that way, well I can see it, but I don't want to be that way.

I don't think there is a clear cut answer other then "it will come with time." Which if I knew was the case (I guess from her) then great.

 

[brokenman]

I know what I have to do...

Put a bridle on my emotions, pull back, slow down and cool out. I'm just a "all in" type of guy, wears his heart on his sleeve (a little too much) and not everyone else is like me. Continue to love her and seek God in everything.

Now its just doing all of that...

 

[eatenbylocusts]

Maybe she just wants to go real slow and I'd have to commend her for that. I tend to get swept away at whatever speed the guy sets and if it's too fast, I end up sorry. Some of the things you mentioned that you needed, I have often wanted the same things. Very often I've needed some affirmation, but a lot of those times it really wasn't coming because there was a problem. I got a little of that today when my bf popped by unexpectedly with his boss.

 

[ImperialPhantom]

Maybe you should pull back a bit. Don't bombard her with affections and touch and quality time. Give her space and time, so she can work out her interest in you on her own, and thus become more comfortable with touch, time and affection.

 

[joyouspirit]

I also came from a divorce. For 5 years I was a single parent and entertained the idea of dating just recently and finally got married again.

There are still hurts in the past marriage that I still need to deal with. There was one time, I cried because unknowingly my husband did exactly what my ex did to me. We talked about it. And he has refrained from doing it, for me.

But sometimes I think I am not being fair to my husband for he is a completely different person and I should deal with the situation.

What I am trying to say, and what everybody else has said, give her time, and pray for her. Because sooner or later, both me and your SO would have to learn to move on from the hurts.

I'm sure she doesnt want to hurt you as much as I don't want to hurt my husband.

God bless!!!

 

[brokenman]

I know its easier said then done...I just wish she would know that I would never betray her or anything like that...that she is open to share whatever, whenever, even if it sucks for me

i'm just too open I think sometimes for a dude

but I know that loving someone isn't what I can get from them, but what I can give to them...if she needs space or whatever (though I wish I would exactly know) then its all her

thanks for the input everyone

 

[joyouspirit]

I know its easier said then done...I just wish she would know that I would never betray her or anything like that...that she is open to share whatever, whenever, even if it sucks for me

i'm just too open I think sometimes for a dude

but I know that loving someone isn't what I can get from them, but what I can give to them...if she needs space or whatever (though I wish I would exactly know) then its all her

thanks for the input everyone

My husband always say this, and it gives me comfort especially after what happened in my first marriage.

People are different, so I don't know if it will do good if you will keep saying that, not all the time but you know when, to your SO.

 

[koban4max]

I have been dating a wonderful woman now for about 3 months. We have both come out of a divorce (not recently) and have both learned and grown (with the help of God) from these horrible experiences.

Anyways things are really good and it is really our first "real" relationship since our divorces and our first God focused relationship. We have run into minor issues, but have dealt with them and/or are dealing with them.

One of the issues, though I don't know if I want to call it a issue, b/c it sounds so harsh, is that she keeps herself distant from me...physically (my love language is touch...which she knows) and emotionally. I am a open guy when it comes to the relationship, so I can see how I can be too up front.

I know some of this is on my side and me letting her wait to drop some walls so she feels safe to talk to me (and I am willing to wait for that). But she has voiced she is distant from me/us and doesn't know why and doesn't really want to talk about it. I don't want to make it a hot topic we discuss all the time b/c I would rather focus on the good and continue to build trust.

But I guess I need something back, some sort of reaction to something. I know I'm a guy and there are times where I need to know "everything is okay." But its more then that, just that she is okay and if she isn't or isn't happy with the relationship, we can work on it and/or if she doesn't want to be in it anymore, then (as tough as this is to say) she would feel free to leave.

I don't know if that makes sense at all, but yeah...any questions please ask! Thanks in advance.

Brokenman

Hmm, i guess u tried to communicate with her, yah?
If she's stuck with hurt from the past...i think it's better to move on.

 

[brokenman]

Well, I don't know what her hurt is/was...but today she thought it would be better if we separated.

I guess that's that.

 

[joyouspirit]

Well, I don't know what her hurt is/was...but today she thought it would be better if we separated.

I guess that's that.

oh shucks! I guess she isn't ready yet. I went through that phase too after me and my ex separated. Sometimes the feeling of guiltiness lingers, like, I should have worked enough to save the marriage.

I am sorry to hear that. There is always a reason for things that happens out of our control. It always turn out to be good though not encouraging at first.

God is in control, always. God bless!!!

 

[TG39051]

There are still hurts in the past marriage that I still need to deal with. There was one time, I cried because unknowingly my husband did exactly what my ex did to me. We talked about it. And he has refrained from doing it, for me.

But sometimes I think I am not being fair to my husband for he is a completely different person and I should deal with the situation.

What I am trying to say, and what everybody else has said, give her time, and pray for her. Because sooner or later, both me and your SO would have to learn to move on from the hurts.

I am in that exact situation. I am in a relationship of four months with a great Christian guy. He has given me no reason to doubt his feelings for me or his devotion to me; however, b/c of past relationships, I am insecure. I tend to jokingly say he's looking for someone else or going to dump me. I think I say those things out of fear that it is going to happen so I just bring it to the forefront as a joke. That is hurting him and our relationship. I've forgiven past SOs for wronging me so I don't feel I should still be harboring these insecurities. I just don't know what to do. Some days, I full of confidence and self-worth; other days, I feel like I am unlovable.

I've been struggling this week. Maybe it has some to do with an minor accident on Sunday and my pride being hurt and my disappointment with myself though I could not have prevented anything. I have been praying and praying but still feel like mud.

Anyone have suggestions for how you address your old hurts when they arise?

 

[brokenman]

oh shucks! I guess she isn't ready yet. I went through that phase too after me and my ex separated. Sometimes the feeling of guiltiness lingers, like, I should have worked enough to save the marriage.

I am sorry to hear that. There is always a reason for things that happens out of our control. It always turn out to be good though not encouraging at first.

God is in control, always. God bless!!!

Long story short she loved everything about me but didn't love me..."something" kept her from being 100% in, i say that with " " because she says she doesn't know

I believe God played a part in it...hardened her heart, break up with me, then I feel bad... I say this because I rely on other people's love to feel love (I fully realize this now) and not God's

Now I have to figure out how to be sustained by God's love b/c I can't count on people's.

TG39051...we ALL have past hurts and we all bring baggage into our new relationships. But it is our choice and responsibility to leave these things right where they should be. In the past. Let the history be history...learn from it, leave it behind. You know its hindering your current relationship. So you have a choice then. Continue to bring it up, think about it and stew about it and potentially ruin a great relationship OR leave it behind and give it up to God and love like God loves us.

If he knows about your past hurt then its up to him to jump ship or hold your hand along the process of healing. But keep in mind (as I didn't in my last relationship), God sometimes wants us to heal with Him, focus on Him and not on the relationship with the SO. He wants us to suffice on His love. So, as I am learning, when people let us down, we will heal better b/c His love is soooooooooooooo much more then any person can give.

You are worth it and you are loved. God didn't send his only Son down here to die for no one, He sent Him for you and I.

Choose love.

 

[joyouspirit]

Anyone have suggestions for how you address your old hurts when they arise?

As much as it hurts me when the past lingers, I focus on what I have now, and that is a very loving and understanding husband. And i always pray.

Long story short she loved everything about me but didn't love me..."something" kept her from being 100% in, i say that with " " because she says she doesn't know

I believe God played a part in it...hardened her heart, break up with me, then I feel bad... I say this because I rely on other people's love to feel love (I fully realize this now) and not God's

Now I have to figure out how to be sustained by God's love b/c I can't count on people's.

I believe GOd always plays a part in our lives only if we let Him. I don't know about hardening her heart . You are hurt.

I don't know if I mentioned to you, I made a very heartfelt prayer when some men hurt me constantly, loving me and then leaving me. I told God, this time you pick for me. And to tell you the truth I didn't even have the slightest amor (love) for my husband but he just kept on going to our church and eventually I fell in love with him.

Yes, I have learned through the hurts how to be joyous in God's love and then I guess what Psalm 37 said, "He will give the desires of our hearts".

 

[brokenman]

So I need to get things right with God...I know this. Be sustained by His love.

But it just seems like that's why it got called off...maybe I'm making excuses.

I look back at our relationship and it was good. Very good. I can't help and think that's why God broke it off. "Get it right with Me, then try it again." Kind of what God is saying to me. Because I never acknowledged this in the past, now that I see it, I want to get it right before I move on.

But I don't want to lose her. She is an amazing person with an amazing heart. I just know i gotta get my heart right (finding self worth in God and accepting/believing His Love).

I'm rambling.

 

[joyouspirit]

So I need to get things right with God...I know this. Be sustained by His love.

But it just seems like that's why it got called off...maybe I'm making excuses.

I look back at our relationship and it was good. Very good. I can't help and think that's why God broke it off. "Get it right with Me, then try it again." Kind of what God is saying to me. Because I never acknowledged this in the past, now that I see it, I want to get it right before I move on.

But I don't want to lose her. She is an amazing person with an amazing heart. I just know i gotta get my heart right (finding self worth in God and accepting/believing His Love).

I'm rambling.

Okay, I was in the same boat with you. This was the man before my husband.

"Ask and you shall receive". I was so focused on that that even after we broke off I couldn't and wouldn't believed it was over between us. I believed if only I stay faithful to God that He would bring us back together. But I missed what He was trying to tell me. Yeh, I was focused on Him but not what He was trying to tell me. That relationship hurt me a lot, it was only when I finally laid everything, things turned 360 degrees to where I am now.

I know very much the rambling part.

God bless!

 

[brokenman]

I know I need to work on my relationship w/ God...that's not even the question. But I have this looming feeling that when I get this "right" w/ God that things would get better w/ her. I don't want to feel that, I mean it could be that way, but in thinking that, it feels like I am taking "something" away from God...if that makes sense.

But I know that's whats wrong with me at this time. I need other peoples love to survive where it should be God's.

I don't know, it almost like I am trying to make things "better" with God so I can get back with her...but its not like that. I want to get things right b/c 1. I have/need to 2. b/c I'm going to get my heart probably broken again and this time, I want to rely on God's love

So I am going to be friends with her, b/c I want to...but I guess, I am trying to figure out where to draw the line between g/f and friend. I mean I know the difference but I don't want it to every seem like I'm insensitive.

I'm sure I'm over thinking this.

Eh.......

 

[joyouspirit]

I know I need to work on my relationship w/ God...that's not even the question. But I have this looming feeling that when I get this "right" w/ God that things would get better w/ her. I don't want to feel that, I mean it could be that way, but in thinking that, it feels like I am taking "something" away from God...if that makes sense.

But I know that's whats wrong with mewhere it should be God's.

I don't know, it almost like I am trying to make things "better" with God so I can get back with her at this time. I need other peoples love to survive ...but its not like that. I want to get things right b/c 1. I have/need to 2. b/c I'm going to get my heart probably broken again and this time, I want to rely on God's love

So I am going to be friends with her, b/c I want to...but I guess, I am trying to figure out where to draw the line between g/f and friend. I mean I know the difference but I don't want it to every seem like I'm insensitive.

I'm sure I'm over thinking this.

Eh.......

I did this, to the point that it hurt me a lot for again, I missed what He was trying to tell me and that is to let go of this guy I was talking about.

You can be friends with her but draw a line. I stayed friends with the guy then it just kept on hurting and hurting so I layed low and then eventually when I was really ready to be just friends....we are friends up till now. But of course I have priorities now.

Yes, it is normal I guess to over think it for I did the same. I am worse I think too for I do over analyze.

Okay? Pm you in a sec.