Don't know what to do!

[farmer]

Gudday,
I have been reading the threads etc and am a bit anxious about staring my first one, but here goes. My beautiful wife is unable to love me ie kind words, encouragement, affection, etc. I have discovered her being untruthful to me about phone calls and visiting other gentlemen....(not that I think anything physical is going) we have a 2 year old son who is absolutely wonderful and I love him dearly. I have asked my wife if she would like to go to marriage counselling but she resists. It has slowly come to this point over 1 1/2 years and wonder whether despite me sorting myself out ie my inadequacies as a male , husband and father, how long do you perservere?
it is hard for me to describe my feelings but loneliness and isolation would be pretty huge descripters.
I dont want to look at the door ....but I wonder how much more I can cope with these very sad feelings?
Your ideas would be most welcome as I dont have too many people to talk too out here.
cheers

 

[desi]

Jesus said 'if a wife is unfaithful the husband can divorce her' Look into things to see whats what and move on from there. For a wife to withhold affections from her husband is something I would take personally as a man and get to the bottom of one way or another. To quote a poem I remember from my days of carousing, 'If of herself she will not love, nothing can make her. The Devil take her!' I pray your wife will love you as she should and you will treat her as you should.

 

[bkg]

Jesus said 'if a wife is unfaithful the husband can divorce her'

Whoa... let's slow down just a bit here. Jesus said "may divorce", but He also said "MUST forgive"!!!! Find me a passage where Jesus endorses a divorce in any circumstance, and I will back down... find me a passage where He says it's okay to not forgive, and I will back down... Suggesting that a person dig for answers on infidelity to find the "out" for the divorce is a very scary, and worldy, piece of advice.

Farmer,
First and foremost, I understand and feel your pain. There are two things that I want you to do, for yourself, that will help in this situation. First and foremost, stop focusing on her and start focusing on God. If you don't trust her, trust GOD! Seek His face and His will. Pray for your wife and your marriage.

Second, buy two books: "How God WILL Restore your Marriage" by RestoreMinistries (www.marriagehelponline.com) and "Marriage on the Rock" by Jimmy Evans (www.famtoday.com). I'm reading the first one for teh second time now. I've listened to Jimmy's "Marriage on the Rock" CD series and it's amazing, so I'm sure I'll be just as pleased with the book. I say do this for yourself because you cannot change your wife, only God can. But through these resources, I believe you will be blessed as I have been.

On to your question - how long do you persevere? Forever. I know that sounds daunting, but your vows never said "until unhappiness do we part" or "until struggle do we part"... they said "until death do we part". God can and will restore your marriage, you just need to seek and trust in Him. Also, remember two other things: What God has brought together, let no man separate... and With God ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE!

Sorry if I sound harsh at all. Divorce is not a road that you want to go down, even if it feels hopeless right now. Having a signed divorce decree will not make you happier or make your situation any better.

bkg

 

[tonya]

I totally agree with BKG and also am reading a book by James Dobson..Love Must Be Tough...He is a christian man with a series called Focus On the Family..remember that the devil vomes to lie cheat and steal....Do NOt give him a foorhold...satnd firm on the Word and find peace in the Lord...ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE WITH HIM.....

 

[charligirl]

bkg gives some good advice, there are also website ministries where you may find encouragment and support. www.marriagebuilders.com and www.restoreministries.net

There is also a great book called 'The Power of a Praying husband'

God is FOR you and FOR your marriage, he can work miracles with the tinyest scrap of hope... and even where there seems to be no hope! Cry out to Him for your marriage and He will hear you. 1 John 5 says 14 Now this is the confidence that we have in Him, that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us. 15And if we know that He hears us, whatever we ask, we know that we have the petitions that we have asked of Him. Wow, if we ask ANYTHING ACCORDING TO HIS WILL (which your marriage is!) and we will have what we ask!

 

[sarah marie]

I agree wholeheartedly with what bkg said.

The book The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands by Dr. Laura talks about what you are experiencing. She is going to be on "Focus on the Family" with Dr. James Dobson on the radio tonight talking about the book.

 

[tonya]

I agree wholeheartedly with what bkg said.

The book The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands by Dr. Laura talks about what you are experiencing. She is going to be on "Focus on the Family" with Dr. James Dobson on the radio tonight talking about the book.

WOW!!!! What station does this come on???

 

[bkg]

One thing I want to add....

You have such a wonderful opportunity to lead your family out of this situation through God's amazing grace. You are still married, still a family, and this is the best time to turn to God and prevent a divorce from taking place. As others have said, God WILL restore your marriage - sort of. It will never be the same, it will be better!

Take a momen to sit back and reflect on why you got married, why you fell in love. Put today's issues aside for just a momen to remember when you could find nothing wrong with your wife and let that feeling flow over you. Satan has a great way of getting us to focus on the negatives, no matter how large or small they may be. Focusing on the negatives will not bring restoration, it only serves to destroy. Ask me how I know....

The bottom line is that you are in a perfect position to have an amazing and blessed marriage. You just need to focus on the Cross and remember what true and pure love is really all about. Ask God for wisdom; ask for patience; ask for a hedge of protection for your entire family; ask Him to work through you for your marriage. Focus on Him and your marriage will survive and be happy.

Marriage is tough - it's a lot of effort. Right now you may be in one of the "for worse" times. But God never said that He'd lead us INTO the valley of death... He said He'd lead us THROUGH!!!!! He's your trail guide - focus on Him....

bkg

 

[farmer]

Thankyou for your replies, your words are comforting and offer further direction in my day. I listen to dr dobson....but being in Australia, we are a little behind...maybe I can go online or something. Thankyou people for your encouragement....maybe we will see each other in heaven one day and I can personally thankyou for taking the time to put your hand out to a brother who tripped over on lifes path.
cheers farmboy

 

[oldrooster]

An affair is an affair however, once trust is gone it rarely comes back.

 

[Sascha Fitzpatrick]

farmer - I just read this and had an idea about listening to Dr Laura - if you go to www.family.org and look up the online radio part - they have it in the archives there - part one AND two - plus a lot of other things about marriage and struggling people. You do need windows media or real player though...

Hope this helps,

Sasch